Blue Monday

Man, I feel like shit. I just can't seem to move this energy, and I must not have been ready to, because it occurred to me last night when I was in the bathtub soaking my sore muscles that it would have been smart to make some sort of appointment to have some help in dealing with this loss while my kids were with their Dad. Maybe having them back today will help shift it. I don't know.

Do I look like this girl's Mama?

I must look like shit too. Last night I went to a going away party for a 22 year old friend and former coworker (Pictured at left), and one of her friends asked if I was her Mom. Ouch. My friend said: "No but if she was she'd be the coolest Mom ever!" which was sweet, but made me feel only marginally better.

Before the big departure, I could comfortably call what I was feeling grief. I cried, a lot. Now it's not so straightforward. Maybe because I know there's no one here to comfort me, so I'm afraid to let it rip like I did while he was still here, leaving the anger in control.

I don't know. But it sucks, whatever this is that I am feeling.

Yesterday when I was running to work (I ended up biking part of the way too), for the first time since I've gotten back to running, I decided to listen to music while I ran. I turned Slacker to Alternative Workout, and appropriately, this was one of the songs that came on:

How does it feel
To treat me like you do
When you've laid your hands upon me
And told me who you are

I thought I was mistaken
I thought I heard your words
Tell me how do I feel
Tell me now how do I feel

And I still find it so hard
To say what I need to say
But I'm quite sure that you'll tell me
Just how I should feel today

And I thought I was mistaken
And I thought I heard you speak
Tell me how do I feel
Tell me now how should I feel

Now I stand here waiting...

That's probably the problem. That I'm waiting. What am I waiting for, exactly? To stop feeling like shit? Yep. For him to realize he doesn't want to live without me and come back? Yep. To get over him if that's not going to happen? Yep. And none of those things is, unfortunately, anything I can really influence. Maybe the first one, but I'm doing everything I can -- eating right, exercising. And it's not helping.

I get it, Universe. I'm not in control, and I'm gonna have to deal with it. Hope it starts getting easier soon. Hope I stop waking up in the middle of the night hungry and out of sorts. Hope I stop being generally pissed off and bristly (which doesn't feel good from the inside, and I'm sure it doesn't feel good to those experiencing it on the outside, either.) Wait, but I'm supposed to abandon hope, right? And just be with feeling like shit. So I guess that's what I'll try to do...