Constant Craving

My Grandpa, breaker of two hearts (my Grandma's and my Dad's)

When my Dad was about 10, his parents split up. It was hard on him, and he never forgave his Dad for it, partially because of the way my Grandfather behaved. He left my Grandmother and started dating a much younger woman, but then when my Grandma started dating someone, he left his new woman and came back to my Grandma just long enough for her to break it off with her new guy, and then he left her all over again. Ouch.

Now there's probably more to the story than that, but she was around 40 when that happened, and she never dated anyone again. I remember going to visit my Grandma in her retirement home, where one time I found a little book about how women can live without men and are actually better off. Even as a young girl who hadn't really experienced love, I recognized that as a rationalization rather than a truth*.

I have no doubt that my Grandmother lived a fulfilling life. She was well-liked and was always of great service to her community (first Berkeley, then Oakland when she moved into the retirement home). But I also don't have any doubt that somewhere inside her there was a constant craving that she refused to satisfy and told herself she didn't have because she'd been wounded so badly by her babydaddy.

During some of my darkest moments this summer, I thought about my Grandmother, and it made me all the more resolute that I would get through this heartbreak and go on to the next phase.

I thought about her again when I heard this song last night:

Even through the darkest phase
Be it thick or thin
Always someone marches brave
Here beneath my skin

Constant craving
Has always been

Maybe a great magnet pulls
All souls towards truth
Or maybe it is life itself
That feeds wisdom
To its youth

Constant craving
Has always been

Craving
Ah ha
Constant craving
Has always been

Constant craving
Has always been
Constant craving
Has always been

Craving
Ah ha
Constant Craving
Has always been
Has always been
Has always been
Has always been
Has always been
Has always been

Yep, and as long as I live, I'm going to make sure it always will be, too!

*Just to be clear, when I say that not needing a man is a rationalization, it isn't a commentary on those who partner with their own gender like the uncapitalized artist featured here. It's merely a commentary on opting out of love after being hurt.