Crazy in the Night

Jack-o-Lantern debut after Halloween eve carving

I loved Halloween when I was a kid. Dressing up. All that candy. But I'm not one of those people who continues to have fun with it as an adult by dressing up myself -- maybe one day I will be -- but I'm not now.

So with one kid too grown up to trick or treat and one who wanted to go out with her friends from her Dad's neighborhood, I was content to have Halloween this year consist of carving the pumpkins my parents grew for us and getting to see the kids in their costumes briefly.

My ghostbuster and my zany teenager

Or mostly content. I decided I didn't really feel up to staying home to answer the door, so I took myself to a movie. Gone Girl. It was a great flick, and I love being at the movies -- especially at Sundance - but I'd be lying if I said it was as much fun to be by myself sandwiched in between two couples at the movies as it is to be in a couple myself.

In other words, it felt tricky being me tonight, managing Halloween in the post divorce world, especially now that my world that no longer includes either of the boyfriends who were my favorite movies dates -- gay and actual.

It's also tricky navigating this trauma recovery process and all that it brings up, and much of which comes to me at night, while I'm sleeping, or trying to sleep.

Last night I had a dream that I was handing my ex-husband back his cell phone when it fell to the floor and shattered. He got super angry and I felt terrible about it. I also felt scared.

I know that the fear that I wake up with a lot of mornings is related to things that happened in the past rather than things in the present. I am learning to sort that out from the way my body feels, and it's giving me some information that is useful in the healing process.

All of this -- Halloween, the bad dreams -- makes me think of this song that I'm pretty sure came out when I was a kid, probably about as old as my daughter is now:

I used to love doing this when I was a kid!

Sometimes I really think I'm going crazy in the night
When I hide down in the covers and I won't turn out the light
I think nothing's gonna get to me but then again it might
What can I do to keep from going crazy in the night?

I need a drink of water but I swallow hard instead
'Cause it's hard to move a muscle when you're frozen in your bed
If I could make it to the phone before I die of fright
What can I do to keep from going crazy in the night?

Sometimes she really thinks she's going crazy in the night
When she hides down in the covers and she won't turn out the light
She says nothing's gonna get to her but then again it might
What can she do to keep from going crazy in the night?

When my man left, my kids got me a teddy bear

There's a monster on my ceiling, there's a monster on the wall
There are thousands in the closet, now they're coming down the hall
I'm so hidden they can't find me but then again they might
What can I do to keep from going crazy in the night?

I'm not so worried about monsters; thankfully, I feel safe in my house even when I'm by myself. And I have people I can call and talk to about the nightmares -- some of which are much more upsetting than the one about the cell phone I described above.

And I know I'm not going crazy, no matter how disturbing some of my dreams are. I know that this process of opening to healing the deepest wounds of my childhood is what will lead me to wholeness. Seems like that's worth just about any price -- including a peaceful night's sleep...