(You're) Having My Baby

Some of my family's youngest at the cabin!

While up at the cabin with family, we were talking about a relative who is my age and recently had a baby.

My Mom asked me if I can imagine having a baby now, and I told her I really couldn't. She pointed out that a few years ago I had really wanted another one.

It's true. I really did. It felt so important to me at the time, for several reasons:

1) Being a Mama is something I've wanted for most of my life, and I've always pictured myself with more than two kids.

2) A pretty severe postpartum depression kept me from really getting to enjoy my daughter when she was a baby, and I love babies! So that's never really seemed fair.

3) When I fell in love with The New Englander, and he was so good with my kids, and he really saw me as a mother, I wanted desperately to have his baby -- to have this sweet song (which I have to admit I'm only familiar with because of Glee) -- be our reality:

Havin' my baby
What a lovely way of sayin'
How much you love me
Havin' my baby
What a lovely way of sayin'
What you're thinkin' of me
I can see it, face is glowin'
I can see in your eyes
I'm happy you know it

That you're havin' my baby

You're the woman I love
And I love what it's doin' to ya

Havin' my baby

You're a woman in love
And I love what's goin' through ya

Yes, I was a woman in love, but no baby for me. And now that I'm on the other side, of that need, and that relationship, I'm grateful that I didn't go down that road. It leaves me free to focus on my beautiful teen and tween, and to reinvent myself in terms of my career.

It also leaves me free to fall in love with someone else without another babydaddy in the picture -- at least without one that has any kind of romantic hold on me.

And for that, I'm both grateful and pregnant with possibility!