Don't Give Up

Had to be my deer medicine yoga pants this am

I woke up this morning having had an upsetting dream. I was alone in the kitchen of a friend's house -- a friend who was one of the closest friends I've ever had but whom I'm no longer close to -- and I saw an envelope addressed to me. It had a big fat letter in it, and it wasn't sealed, so I snuck a peak at it. It said three words over and over again for pages and pages and pages:

I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you

Oof. In the dream, when I saw it, I went to a place of rationalizing -- hate is not the opposite of love, she just needs to figure out what she is angry about and express it -- but when I climbed onto my bike at 6:25 am, a song came belting into my barely awake head that carried a different message:

Got to walk out of here
I can't take anymore
Going to stand on that bridge
Keep my eyes down below
Whatever may come
And whatever may go
That river's flowing
That river's flowing

And from that I took away the idea that it is time to let that all go. Whatever may come and whatever may go, that river (of life) is flowing. I'm trying, have been trying for years, to become more easy come, easy go. But it's not the way I was formed, so it's a struggle. I looked up the significance of deer -- I love my deer skull yoga pants -- and found this: Deer symbolizes the power in nature that is not easily subdued. Yup, that's me. That's how I'm constructed.

One of my favorite parts of this song is this:

Rest your head, you worry too much
It's going to be alright
When times get rough, you can fall back on us
Don't give up, please don't give up

I'm not gonna give up. That's not the way I'm wired. But I am going to keep trying to rest in the idea that I can let go of what is no longer serving me and settle into knowing I have my people and there's a place where I belong:

Don't give up
'cause you have friends
Don't give up
You're not the only one
Don't give up
No reason to be ashamed
Don't give up
You still have us
Don't give up now
We're proud of who you are
Don't give up
You know it's never been easy
Don't give up
'Cause I believe there's the a place
There's a place where we belong