I Hung My Head

Gonna miss this kid like crazy

You've got your man in black, and today, you've got your woman in black: me.

My baby left for college today, flying off to Seattle with his Dad.

This is one of those times I wish the world would just stop to accommodate the massive feelings I'm dealing with, but it doesn't.

Instead, I drive away, bawling my eyes out, comforted at least a little by this song on the radio, knowing that this suffering thing is not just mine, it's universal:

Early one morning
With time to kill
I borrowed Jebb's rifle
And sat on a hill
I saw a lone rider
Crossing the plain
I drew a bead on him
To practice my aim
My brother's rifle
Went off in my hand
A shot rang out
Across the land
The horse, he kept running
The rider was dead
I hung my head
I hung my head
I set off running
To wake from the dream
My brother's rifle
Went into the sheen
I kept on running
Into the south lands
That's where they found me
My head in my hands
The sheriff he asked me
Why had I run
And then it come to me
Just what I had done
And all for no reason
Just one piece of lead
I hung my head
I hung my head
Here in the court house
The whole town was there
I see the judge
High up in the chair
Explain to the court room
What went through your mind
And we'll ask the jury
What verdict they find
I felt the power
Of death over life
I orphaned his children
I widowed his wife
I begged their forgiveness
I wish I was dead
I hung my head
I hung my head
I hung my head
I hung my head
Early one morning
With time to kill
I see the gallows
Up on a hill
And out in the distance
A trick of the brain
I see a lone rider
Crossing the plain
And he'd come to fetch me
To see what they'd done
And we'll ride together
To kingdom come
I prayed for God's mercy
'Cause soon I'd be dead
I hung my head
I hung my head
I hung my head
I hung my head

It also managed to give me a little perspective: although I feel a tremendous sadness that this stage of my life is over -- the one in which I had both kids at home -- no one is dead, and my son is off to new adventures.

This is something to mourn and celebrate, not one or the other, and I'm gonna feel it all...

Juke Box Hero

When I was setting off this afternoon on my run, I decided to go in a little different direction on Slacker -- 80's hits. When this song came on, I felt compelled to sing along:

Standing in the rain, with his head hung low
Couldn't get a ticket, it was a sold out show
Heard the roar of the crowd, he could picture the scene
Put his ear to the wall, then like a distant scream

He heard one guitar, just blew him away
He saw stars in his eyes, and the very next day
Bought a beat up six string in a secondhand store
Didn't know how to play it, but he knew for sure

That one guitar, felt good in his hands
Didn't take long, to understand
Just one guitar, slung way down low
Was one way ticket, only one way to go

So he started rockin'
Ain't never gonna stop
Gotta keep on rockin'
Someday he's gonna make it to the top

And be a juke box hero, got stars in his eyes
He's a juke box hero
He took one guitar, juke box hero, stars in his eyes
Juke box hero, he'll come alive tonight

Running by a bunch of college kids, I couldn't help but think about the fact that none of them had even been born when this song came out in 1981. Which also means I'm closer to the age of their Mothers than I am to theirs. Which isn't really good or bad, it's just weird, because I so distinctly remember my days roaming the campus as an undergrad:

In a town without a name, in a heavy downpour
Thought he passed his own shadow, by the backstage door
Like a trip through the past, to that day in the rain
And that one guitar made his whole life change

Now he needs to keep rockin'
He just can't stop
Gotta keep on rockin'
That boy has got to stay on top

And be a juke box hero, got stars in his eyes
He's a juke box hero, got stars in his eyes
Yeah, juke box hero, got stars in his eyes
With that one guitar he'll come alive
Come alive tonight

Running the 7 miles from the Capitol to Picnic Point and back, I felt a lot of gratitude. To be able to run that far, even if I had to do it a little slowly and stiffly, to live in a place with such scenic runs right outside my home and work, to be able to return from a windy run to a shower and sauna at the gym...

Afterward, I met my babydaddy and my kids -- one of whom will be 11 tomorrow -- for a sushi birthday dinner. Again, I felt very grateful. For my daughter, her brother, the fact that we could all comfortably eat out together. There's no doubt that there are things about my life that are not as I would like them to be, but there's also so much for which I am profoundly grateful...