Water, Fire and Smoke

Tonight in my group another person shared their story. It was incredible to bear witness, and to mark this day I'm sharing the beautiful song that the group leader uses in preparation for each person to tell her story:

It's been a long journey to come to this place
I've traveled in time and I've traveled in space
And I've traveled in circles til I've come face to face
With the water, fire, and smoke

I've pondered and worried, I've tightened the rope
I've feasted on sorrow and starved out my hope
now I come like a lover, my heart in my throat
Give me water, fire, and smoke

Water for cleansing my eyes and my ears
Fire the transformer of sorrows and fears
Smoke for the ancestors drawing them near
With the water, fire, and smoke

So run from the churchyard, the word and the cross
Run to the forest to the rivers and the rocks
You will find a green altar deep in the moss
You'll find water, fire and smoke
Water, fire and smoke

Ancient the wisdom of rocks, trees, and wind
Ancient the rites of the green sacrament
Long before judgement, atonement and sin
There was water, fire and smoke

I lay down my burden, the weight of my years
Gods I have worshipped and causes held dear
And who will I be when they all disappear
Into water, fire, and smoke

I've knelt in the ashes, in peace may I rise
Empty of knowing and full of surprise
Clothed all in silence a baby baptised
Into water, fire and smoke

So run from the churchyard, the word and the cross
Run to the forest to the rivers and the rocks
You will find a green altar deep in the moss
You'll find water, fire and smoke
Water, fire and smoke
Water, fire and smoke

For Your Glory

True confessions time: I started watching Nashville on Hulu Plus and I'm hooked. It all started with an article in the New Yorker about the guy who created it. I know so many people who say they hate country music, but do they really hate it, or just worry that it isn't cool to like it?

For me, the show takes me back to my childhood. Friday nights, my Dad would make popcorn, and he and my sister and I would settle on the couch and watch the Dukes of Hazard and Dallas.

Speaking of being taken back to my childhood, I'm doing some work right now to continue my own healing process, and I'm learning a ton about myself. It's going to be an ongoing process for sure, but already I can see how not being able to clearly hear my own voice has made it difficult for me to navigate my relationships with other people.

This song -- from the show Nashville -- has a bit more of a religious overtone to it, but it's about finding one's voice. Being able to hear one's heart. Letting it get broken open rather than living in fear of loss:

I'll rise up and be your voice
I made my choice.
This is my story.
Your songs are stored inside my heart
So break me apart
It's for your glory.
Let it pour out of me.
Let it pour out of me.
It's for your glory.

And whatever one believes about God or the Divine or the Universe or whatever it is that is out there -- I believe in a force for good -- I'm learning that tuning into my voice helps me better connect to that force for good. And that helps me treat everyone better -- myself, my kids, my loved ones -- and makes me feel more optimistic about the world in general.

See what a little country(/church) music can do?

Express Yourself

The discomfort I blogged about yesterday has a number of ways of manifesting itself, two of which I've decided are related to what I'm going to call finding my voice. And when I use the phrase finding my voice, I mean being able to speak clearly, kindly and honestly to both express my needs and what I have to offer to meet the needs of others and the world.

Turns out, not being able to do this, for me anyway, sometimes comes in the form of yelling, as it did last night with my kids, and sometimes in the form of being inarticulate, as it did yesterday during a phone call. And while neither one of them felt good, or comfortable, it helps me to think that the way to avoid that particular brand of discomfort in the future is to continue to work on grounding within myself.

To that end, when I woke up this morning, I had the sense that my yoga practice needed to deviate from the usual -- Ashtanga -- and focus on the fifth chakra, or the throat area. I got some ideas from this blog post that I stumbled onto, and was able to find a few videos that were helpful too, including this one demonstrating lion pose, and this one with a series of poses intended to balance the fifth chakra.

Sure enough, I felt a whole lot better when I was done practicing. Enough better, as a matter of fact, that one of the songs that the blog post I linked above referenced as being about the fifth chakra started to play inside my head:

Come on girls
Do you believe in love?
'Cause I got something to say about it
And it goes something like this

Don't go for second best baby
Put your love to the test
You know, you know, you've got to
Make him express how he feels
And maybe then you'll know your love is real

You don't need diamond rings
Or eighteen karat gold
Fancy cars that go very fast
You know they never last, no, no
What you need is a big strong hand
To lift you to your higher ground
Make you feel like a queen on a throne
Make him love you till you can't come down
(You'll never come down)

Long stem roses are the way to your heart
But he needs to start with your head
Satin sheets are very romantic
What happens when you're not in bed
You deserve the best in life
So if the time isn't right then move on
Second best is never enough
You'll do much better baby on your own
(Baby on your own)

Express yourself
(You've got to make him)
Express himself
Hey, hey, hey, hey
So if you want it right now, make him show you how
Express what he's got, oh baby ready or not

Now I love a good Madonna song, and there are few things I love more than when my man's expressing his love love for me, but I'm a little disappointed that there isn't a little more in here about expressing what I've got. Because baby ready or not, that's what I'm focusing on today...

This is the New Year

I heard this song a while back on an episode of Glee, and it seems a fitting way to mark the first day of a new year:

Another year you made a promise
Another chance to turn it all around
And do not save this for tomorrow
Embrace the past and you can live for now
And I will give the world to you

I'm feeling a lot of things with a new year on the horizon: open, grateful, raw, sad, scared, empowered, strong. A lot of the same things I felt in 2013. But last year, I had times when I didn't say or do what I really felt, didn't write down what I need to document, didn't use the full range of my voice:

Speak louder than the words before you
And give them meaning no one else has found
The role we play is so important
We are the voices of the underground
And I will give the world to you

Say everything you've always wanted
Be not afraid of who you really are
'Cause in the end we have each other
And that's at least one thing worth living for
And I will give the world to you

This year I'm going to try to do more of those things I'm scared of and just see where it leads. Try not to attach to the prospect of someone giving the world to me, and focus instead, on giving myself to the world:

This is the new year
A new beginning
You made a promise
You are the brightest
We are the voices
This is the new year
We are the voices
This is the new year...