Been Here Before

There's no easy way to be where I am right now. Unlike the title of this lovely song by Jeremy Enigk, I haven't been here before, but I can relate to many of the lyrics:

Been here before.
Though there's something in the air this time.
Now I wanna give away what I've taken back.
Run away with you toward the night.
A thousand names.
Though this something in me cannot smile,
don't wanna spend the day retracing steps.
Run away with you toward the light.

There is definitely a part of me that cannot smile right now, and though I don't wanna spend the day retracing steps, I often find myself doing just that. Would that running away with him toward the light was an option, or wait, maybe not, would that mean dying? I wouldn't choose that, because there's a part of me that still can and does smile, and a part of me that understands on some level that my world with him going wrong is ok, even if it doesn't feel ok:

I can't stay long in the morning.
Another world went wrong - it's ok.
Now that you're gone,
hold me in your eyes or suddenly deny
I sympathize.

And while I'm not 100% sure I understand what he means by hold me in your eyes or suddenly deny, if I had to guess, I'd say it's related to something with which I am intimately familiar -- that space when letting go of a love where nothing feels quite right: lack of connection with him feels difficult and connection with him leaves me wanting more:

Those diamond days
A thousand strands of sunlight in her eyes.
Now I wanna give away what I've taken back.
Step away with you toward the night.

I wonder, too, what it means to give away what one has taken back? To move on to a new love, perhaps?

I'm not there yet, but there is a discernible difference between how I feel now and how I felt last week and how I felt last month. It's getting easier -- I have to believe it'll keep getting easier -- and hopefully eventually I'll stop vacillating between two painful poles:

Hold me in your eyes or suddenly deny
I empathize.

But for now, I'm going to go sleep, just as Jeremy suggests:

Hurry up and sleep,
to the night you go.