Last Love Song

Heard this sweet little song on the radio today after a very early morning practice:

We were never the marrying type, oh no,
We won't buy dishes or stained glass lights, oh no,
For a table we'll never sit at,
In the house that we won't ever get,

I won't wake up and pick out your tie, oh no,
You won't come home and kiss me at night, oh no,
We won't lie in this king bed for two,
Say goodbye to us saying "I dos,"

No more white picket fences,
No more lace veils or vows,
No more "You're the only one" 'cause that's all done with now,
This is the last love song I'll ever write for you,
This is the last love song I'll ever write for you,

Take these roses and this Jameson, oh no,
Find a subway that I can sit in, oh no,
Buy a one-way out of this city,
Everything that I need, got it with me,

No more white picket fences,
No more lace veils or vows,
No more "You're the only one" 'cause that's all done with now,
This is the last love song I'll ever write for you,
This is the last love song I'll ever write for you,

All these notes and all these words,
Are all that's left in me,
Bend these pages, count my woes,
One last song to set me free,

No more white picket fences,
No more lace veils or vows,
No more "You're the only one" 'cause that's all done with now,
This is the last love song I'll ever write for you,
This is the last love song I'll ever write for you,
This is the last love song I'll ever write for you,
This is the last love song I'll ever write for you, oh.

That's a tearjerker, isn't it? Sure wish we human beings could figure out how to love each other better so there wasn't so much heartbreak in this world. But then again, maybe, as some suggest, we need to be broken open to create the world we want to live in and leave for our children and grandchildren...

Better Be Good to Me

Today one of my friends sent me a link to a blog post about heartbreak. The basic gist of it was that there are two ways to have your heart broken. One is to have it broken open into new life and the other is to have it fracture into a million pieces. Last summer, my heartbreak felt like the million little pieces variety, but now, it definitely feels broken open. I can feel things starting to shift, and unlike last summer and fall, when all I wanted to do was isolate myself, I'm now feeling social and full of life.

Case in point: After work today I hopped in my car and drove out to the Trek headquarters to meet my new friend (who both works at Trek and is a mountain biker) to ride Trek's private trails. It was a gorgeous day and the trails and the company were really fun, but I'd be lying if I didn't say that the ghost of my former boyfriend and mountain biking pal wasn't riding right along with me. He was. And there was an element to that that felt good -- imagining how he'd have chosen to do all the optional crazy shit (of which I only tackled a small amount) -- and how much he would've enjoyed it, especially in the context of his Wisconsin mountain biking life, which he found so wanting. But there was also -- especially after my hostess's fiance and stepson showed up -- an element of profound sadness.

When we finished riding, a big group of guys were gathering around a fire pit, getting ready for their Wednesday night ride, and I had the sense that I wanted to be more connected to that group than I am. Which I guess is a good thing, because I think ongoing connection is available there, and I'm excited to see the shape that it takes.

On the drive back to Madison, I heard this Tina Turner number:

A prisoner of your love entangled in your web
Hot whispers in the night
I'm captured by your spell
Captured
Oh yes, I'm touched by this show of emotion
Should I be fractured by your lack of devotion
Should I? Should I?

Part of me does feel fractured by his lack of devotion, but not nearly as fractured as I felt last summer. Now I feel more resolute about demanding what I deserve and moving on if he can't provide it:

Oh, you better be good to me
That's how it's gotta be now
'Cause I don't have no use
For what you loosely call the truth
And you better be good to me
Yeah, you better be good

Come on, come on
Be good to me

I think it's also right that we don't need to fight
We stand face to face and you present your case
Yes, I know, you keep telling me that you love me
And I really do wanna believe
But did you think I'd just accept you in blind faith
Oh, sure baby, anything to please you

But you better be good to me
That's how it's gotta be now
'Cause I don't have the time
For your overloaded lies
And you better be good to me
Yeah, you better be good, good to me

Be good to me

And I really don't see
Why it's so hard to be good to me
And you know, I don't understand
What's your plan that you can't be good to me

What I can't feel I surely cannot see
Why can't you be good to me
And if it's not real I do not wish to see
Why don't you be good to me

Why can't you be good to me?
Why can't you be good to me?
Why can't you be good to me?
Why can't you be good to me?
Why can't you be good to me?

I don't know. Seems like his wounds are just too in his way right now, and for as long as he chooses to let them be...

Midnight Train to Georgia

When I got home yesterday, I didn't want to be here. I didn't feel happy to be home. I felt anger and rage. There's a huge part of me that feels like a toddler having a temper tantrum because I don't get to have what I want. And I believe it is that part of me that selected this song from the inner jukebox today:

So he's leaving a life he's come to know, ooh
(He said he's going)
He said he's going back to find
(Going back to find)
Ooh, what's left of his world
The world he left behind not so long ago

Yep, so that happened last summer. It wasn't Georgia, but he did go back to find what's left of his world:

He's leaving
(Leaving)
On that midnight train to Georgia, yeah
(Leaving on the midnight train)
Said he's going back
(Going back to find)
To a simpler place and time, oh yes he is

And he seems to have found a simpler place. A place where he only needs to think about himself. A place where he can pursue his hobbies to his heart's content. Of course, he misses me and the kids. It's not a perfect solution. But it's what his heart led him to do.

There's definitely a part of me, upon seeing him out there, who would like to join him there:

(Whenever he takes that ride, guess who's gonna be right by his side)
I'll be with him
(I know you will)
On that midnight train to Georgia
(Leaving on a midnight train to Georgia, woo woo)
I'd rather live in his world
(Live in his world)
Than live without him in mine
(Her world is his, his and hers alone)

And this part of me tearfully sang those last four bars over and over today.

But even as I sang, I knew it wasn't true. Because the truth is, nothing is more important to me than being here in Madison while my kids grow up. And although it feels so wrong to me for us to walk away from this love, I can't control that. Just like I can't control whether my favorite New Englander chooses to address the issues that got between us -- in addition to the geography issue -- so all I can do is live my life.

Without him.

In Mine.

Falling (Death of a Tree)

When I bought this house, one of the photos that the realtor showed me was of the red maple tree in bloom in the backyard. The picture was nice, but it was late November and all the leaves were down, so it was pretty hard to imagine what it would really be like.

I'm here to say it really, truly is magnificent, and worth every bit of yard work that it and its many tree friends in my much-bigger-than-at-my-old-house yard produce:

Here's the view from my living room window

Here's the tree in all its glory

When most of the leaves fell, they made a gorgeous ground cover...

But the tree, all ready for winter, is not nearly as photo-worthy!

I heard a beautiful song the other day that is nearly perfect for marking this day -- I say nearly because luckily, my tree isn't dead:

I'll awake to find your love
Falling like leaves to the ground
I'll awake to find your love, falling like leaves
You will look to find me down upon my knees

Without a sound
You will look to find me
Down upon my knees

I'm not sure I really understand this song, but it seems to speak to my experience in my last relationship. Although I didn't literally get down on my knees, I did hang it all out there, and even proposed at one point:

Then we can fling wide the gates
Let go the last of our hate then we can sigh
Like the cool clear wind up high through the sky above
Then we can say we're in love

And we did say we were in love, from the first weekend we spent together when the leaves were just beginning to change in the East:

Then we can rest mortal eyes
Laugh as we run out of temporal breath
Then we can move, we can sing, we can tremble
Like birds through the sky above
Then we can say we're in love

Yep, we were able to do all those things, and yet, our love, like the leaves of the red maple -- as majestic as it was -- eventually fell...