With Teeth

I once had a huge crush on a dude who was a huge NIN fan. I sort of tolerated the music at the time, but didn't really understand the appeal. I still only sort of get it, but I read a great article about him in The New Yorker a few weeks ago, and then heard this number today:

She comes along
She gets inside
She makes you better than anything you've tried
It's in her kiss
The blackest sea
And it runs deeper than you
Dare to dream it could be

With teeth [x4]

There's definitely something animalistic about this guy on stage, so the fact that the lyrics are a little out there should come as no surprise:

Wave goodbye
To what you were
The rules have changed
The lines begin to blur
She makes you hard
It comes on strong
You finally found
The place where you belong

I cannot go through this again [x8]

She will not let you go
Keeps holding on
She will not let you go
Keeps holding on
This time, I'm not coming back
She will not let you go
This time, I'm not coming back
She will not let you go

I heard that, Trent. I will not let him go.

Closer

There's a rage inside me that I'm just starting to be more comfortable acknowledging, and I saw it again today. It is an urge to destroy, to burn, to rip... It comes out when things aren't going the way I want them to with men. I have so much anger about how I was treated and what I was taught as a young girl, and sometimes it just comes brimming to the surface. I don't indulge it, except in productive, controlled ways, but I also don't ignore it, or pretend it doesn't exist, or even that it shouldn't exist. That little girl has a right to be mad.

As does Trent Reznor, a man who brings anger to music like few others:

You let me violate you

You let me desecrate you

You let me penetrate you

You let me complicate you

(Help me...)

I broke apart my insides

(Help me...)

I've got no soul to sell

(Help me...)

The only thing that works for me

Help me get away from myself...

...And lots of other nasty lyrics that I don't want to repeat here. This song may help express my anger, and it may give some clues about what I've been through, but it doesn't express where I'm going with my anger or pain.

Because I've got a soul. It's not for sale. And the thing that works best for me is to help me get back to myself, and that's exactly what I intend to do...

Head Like a Hole

Trent Reznor and the rest of NIN will always have a soft spot in my heart. Although it wasn't until I googled the lyrics that had popped into my head:

Bow down before the one you serve

You're going to get what you deserve

...that I realized it was a NIN song, when I fired up this video, it felt like seeing an old friend. I once had a crush (that might be a bit of an understatement since it consumed my every action and feeling for a good six months or so) on a guy who was super into NIN, so the music just reminds me of that time in my life. It was a good time, in a lot of ways. We had a lot of fun together -- I was just always unsatisfied by the lack of action, and yet I continued to go out with him and let him crash in my bed rather than moving on to more physically and emotionally satisfying pastures. Looking back on it, although it didn't feel like it at the time, I must've, on some level, been getting what I needed, even if I definitely didn't feel like I was getting what I deserved.

Which is a great segue to the reason I reckon this song came to me this evening. It must be related to a conversation I had this morning with a friend about the nature of deserving and needing and how to differentiate them. We'd both recently had experiences where we didn't get what we felt we deserved, and had thus come away frustrated, angry. And we talked about the fact that there is often little to no relationship between what one deserves and what one has or is or feels in any given moment. Defined as what one deserves, if that isn't what the moment holds, disappointment ensues. Defined as what one needs, the need might not be met in the moment, but once it is identified, a plan can be made to get those needs met. That was the step I didn't take when I was obsessed with NIN-boy -- identifying the need and then opening myself to the need being met. Instead I fixated on the deserving piece. It didn't get me very far then, and it doesn't get me very far now -- so I'm going to make every attempt to get in touch with and articulate my needs.

And right now, I'm tired and I need to sleep, but I can't sign off without citing these choice lyrics -- some of the best fodder for an angry mouth that I can think of:

Head like a hole,

Black as your soul.

I'd rather die than give you control...

Probably not a recipe for happiness, but so satisfying in its very own goth-punk way.