96 Degrees in the Shade

It was a hot one today -- the title of this song is quite literally an accuweather description of this afternoon. And it was "Fun Day" at my kids' school, an entire day spent outside playing. Luckily a lot of the games involved water -- including the station that I (wo)manned this afternoon. Although I missed the rotation of my own kids through the squirt gun and splash pool area (they visited it in the morning while I was at work), I did get to see other kids between the ages of 5 and 14, and I was struck by how remarkably similar their play was, even given the big age range. For example, there was an ageless fascination with squirting people's butts, and in each group, there was at least one person who loudly and repeatedly announced: "I don't want to be squirted!"

Me? When I was asked if it was ok to squirt me, I relished every moment of the "Squirt the teacher!" barrage of water that ensued when each group discovered I was fair game.

And here's something else about me. I dig these black dudes, and I fully appreciate that they are singing about a lot more than hot temps in this song:

You caught me on the loose

Fighting to be free

Now you show me a noose

On the cotton tree

Entertainment for you

Martyrdom for me

96 degrees in the shade

Real hot in the shade

Some may suffer and some may burn

But i know that one day my people will learn

As sure as the sun shines, way up in the sky

Today i stand here a victim the truth is i'll never die

96 degrees in the shade

Real hot in the shade...

Let Me See

I was listening to my ipod tonight when it shuffled on to a previously unknown track that spoke to me -- particularly the line "Waiting for you takes so long." Then I checked out the lyrics and I'm finding them fascinating in that "I think there's a religious message in here but I'm not really sure what it is" kind of way:

Who can you trust when you need to?

Why do we rust when we heed you?

Crashing back down to earth I've found

We can love

Oh, let me see

All of the places that I can be

Oh, let me know

All of the places where we can go

Do you ever think in bubbles?

Do you ever shake up troubles?

Falling apart right from the start

Crawling 'round

Oh, let me see

All of the places that I can be

Oh, let me know

All of the places where we can go

Show us how to stand up, strong

Waiting, for you takes so long

Shadows leave us standing naked

We can't fake it

Oh, let me see

All of the places that I can be

Oh, let me know

All of the places where we can go

It sounds like a prayer of sorts, doesn't it? Or maybe a description of an experience with narcotics? In any case, the chorus is one I can get behind: I am indeed feeling ready to for the places I can be to be further revealed...

Cold Beverage

It ain't always easy being a solo homeowner, especially without the financial cushion recommended for those in such a position. Today, as it became clearer and clearer that my malfunctioning freezer needed some serious attention, was one of those times. I don't have the cash to splash out on a new one, and I don't feel like driving up my credit card balance, so I'm going with the repair route. Hopefully it'll all work out in the end, but as the day wore on and my not-quite-cold-enough-freezer gave way to warm-even-in-the-fridge and I sent the contents of both to temporary homes, I had to bring out a little G. Love to get me through:

Caught a chill vibe

Orange juice in my ride

Wawa's to the right

They got beverage inside

Dig me a hot coffee

Fill it up with ice

Watermelons like drink

Please fix me a large slice

Summertime is cool the heat is getting old

Yeah I'll have a beverage

Just make sure it's cold

Yeah

I like cold beverage, yeah

'Cuz I'm feelin' kinda thirsty

Stick it in the fridge, stick it in the fridge,

stick it in the fridge, stick it in the fridge

On top of the fridge/freezer issue, I'm preparing for some coffee-free time ahead and I think that's making this all a little tougher. On Tuesday I'm starting the Clean Program, 21 days during which I'll give up most of the things that sustain me on a daily basis including coffee, sodas, sugar, wheat, dairy, chocolate and alcohol. I'm not a huge consumer of any of the above -- I drink decaf coffee, and I'm generally what my friend and I used to skeptically refer to as a one-drink wonder. But still. I'm starting to wean from these items before the cleanse starts so that it isn't so painful once it does, and as I nurse the dull ache from the caffeine withdrawal that six ibuprofen couldn't even blunt, I'm beginning to face that there's a lot tied up in the consumption that is my norm, both physically and emotionally. More on that over the next three weeks -- for now, I leave you with my favorite lyrics from this perennial favorite:

Go girl work the cold one

Go girl work the cold one

Go girl work the cold one

Go girl work the cold one

Before you serve my drink

Please stick it in the fridge!

Everybody Hurts

This afternoon I had a long talk with my man, mostly about loss. I don't think there's any two ways about it: divorce is one big motherfucking loss. I cried talking to him about both his loss and mine, and I also had a beautiful moment in which I realized that the man I'm in love with now has such a hugely open heart he's never going to close it to me, not even if we decide to split up someday.

Later in the evening I talked to a friend who is still very much in the raw split-up stage, and whose wife I think it is fair to say has definitely closed her heart to him. I totally felt his pain, and the song I'd heard the day before in the car came back to me as I listened to him:

When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,

When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on

Don't let yourself go, 'cause everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes

Sometimes everything is wrong. Now it's time to sing along

When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on)

If you feel like letting go, (hold on)

When you think you've had too much of this life, well hang on

'Cause everybody hurts. Take comfort in your friends

Everybody hurts. Don't throw your hand. Oh, no. Don't throw your hand

If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you are not alone

If you're on your own in this life, the days and nights are long,

When you think you've had too much of this life to hang on

Well, everybody hurts sometimes,

Everybody cries. And everybody hurts sometimes

And everybody hurts sometimes. So, hold on, hold on

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on

Everybody hurts. You are not alone...

I Touch Myself

My boyfriend and I decided that although this last stretch of long-distance lovin' is not nearly as hard on us emotionally as the others, when a part of us was still wondering which way it was going to go, it has never been harder to be apart physically. Our systems seem to be screaming: "Alright then, if you're so sure, why aren't you delivering the goods?" Or as his disatisfied self so adorably put it yesterday: "Bring back that leggy redhead. She'll fix this problem!"

Alas, this leggy redhead remains over a thousand miles away from her man for a few more weeks, during which time, however unfortunate it may feel, this song strikes a chord:

I love myself

I want you to love me

When I'm feelin' down

I want you above me

I search myself

I want you to find me

I forget myself

I want you to remind me

I don't want anybody else

When I think about you

I touch myself

I don't want anybody else

Oh no, oh no, oh no

Head Like a Hole

Trent Reznor and the rest of NIN will always have a soft spot in my heart. Although it wasn't until I googled the lyrics that had popped into my head:

Bow down before the one you serve

You're going to get what you deserve

...that I realized it was a NIN song, when I fired up this video, it felt like seeing an old friend. I once had a crush (that might be a bit of an understatement since it consumed my every action and feeling for a good six months or so) on a guy who was super into NIN, so the music just reminds me of that time in my life. It was a good time, in a lot of ways. We had a lot of fun together -- I was just always unsatisfied by the lack of action, and yet I continued to go out with him and let him crash in my bed rather than moving on to more physically and emotionally satisfying pastures. Looking back on it, although it didn't feel like it at the time, I must've, on some level, been getting what I needed, even if I definitely didn't feel like I was getting what I deserved.

Which is a great segue to the reason I reckon this song came to me this evening. It must be related to a conversation I had this morning with a friend about the nature of deserving and needing and how to differentiate them. We'd both recently had experiences where we didn't get what we felt we deserved, and had thus come away frustrated, angry. And we talked about the fact that there is often little to no relationship between what one deserves and what one has or is or feels in any given moment. Defined as what one deserves, if that isn't what the moment holds, disappointment ensues. Defined as what one needs, the need might not be met in the moment, but once it is identified, a plan can be made to get those needs met. That was the step I didn't take when I was obsessed with NIN-boy -- identifying the need and then opening myself to the need being met. Instead I fixated on the deserving piece. It didn't get me very far then, and it doesn't get me very far now -- so I'm going to make every attempt to get in touch with and articulate my needs.

And right now, I'm tired and I need to sleep, but I can't sign off without citing these choice lyrics -- some of the best fodder for an angry mouth that I can think of:

Head like a hole,

Black as your soul.

I'd rather die than give you control...

Probably not a recipe for happiness, but so satisfying in its very own goth-punk way.

This is the Last Day of Our Acquaintance

This song floated into my head today. It's such a beautiful song, just heart-wrenchingly sad, and a good one if you're in need of an end of relationship cathartic release:

This is the last day of our acquaintance

I will meet you later in somebody's office

I'll talk but you won't listen to me

I know what your answer will be

I know you don't love me anymore

You used to hold my hand when the plane took off

Two years ago there just seemed so much more

And I don't know what happened to our love

I'm happy to report I didn't feel sad when it started to play inside my head today -- and that the lyrics were quickly changed to "This is the last month without my man."

So excited about that! Hopefully this beautiful bald balladeer won't mind if I mix it up a bit. Will you, Sinead?