I'll Be You

So much fun to hit the slopes with these two again!

There's something about skiing that brings on nostalgia for me, big time. Skiing is among my best memories from high school and college, and it has been so much fun to introduce it to my kids. I'm hoping one of these days to get them out West so that they can experience skiing in the mountains, which is ever so much more beautiful and satisfying.

Speaking of nostalgia, skiing reminds all three of us of how fortunate we were to have someone so passionate and skilled at skiing along for the ride for a couple of years there for what we in the Midwest call skiing. Yes, my daughter looks back on the day she spent with the New Englander at the biggest resort she's ever been to (Granite Peak) as one of the best days of her life -- she said so when we hit Cascade today.

I'm glad he could give her that. I'm glad it's a memory she cherishes. But most of all, I am glad the three of us were back out there today, soaking up the experience. A bunch of the runs were "closed" -- but for Archie and her mini me, those signs felt more like suggestions that we just didn't feel like taking. And so we enjoyed a little more powder, a little more adventure, than we otherwise would have, which was awesome.

And now, speaking of nostalgia and awesomeness, this song by The Replacements came on in the car on the way home:

If it's a temporary lull
Why am I bored right outta my skull?
Man, I'm dressin' sharp an' feelin' dull

Lonely, I guess that's where I'm from
If I was from Canada
Then I'd best be called lonesome

And if it's just a game
Then I'll break down just in case
Oh yeah, we're runnin' in our last race

Well, I laughed half the way to Tokyo
I dreamt I was Surfer Joe
An' what that means, I don't know

Here come my favorite lines:

A dream too tired to come true
Left a rebel without a clue
And I'm searching for somethin' to do

If it's just a game
Then we'll hold hands just the same
So what, we're bleeding but we ain't cut

And I could purge my soul perhaps
For the imminent collapse
Oh yeah, I'll tell you what we could do
You be me for a while, I'll be you

A dream too tired to come true
Left a rebel without a clue
Won't you tell me what I should do?

And if it's just a lull
Why am I bored right outta my skull?
Oh yeah, keep me from feeling so dull

And if it's just a game
Then we'll break down just in case
Then again, I'll tell you what we could do
You be me for a while
You be me for a while and I'll be you

Ah yes, perspective taking. It's made for so much more peace between siblings, and so much more contentment for my once-broken heart...

Ceiling Gazing

Here's a holiday tradition I love: the menorah

My first love (who lives in England) sent me the link to this song yesterday. He's been going through some rough stuff with the possible end of his marriage, and I have to admit that when I first heard that I thought, maybe he can come visit and I won't be sleeping alone during the holidays after all!

Ah yes, the holidays. Even the most enlightened among us can long for everything to be picture perfect this time of year, and let's face it, at least in my book, sleeping alone ain't picture perfect.

But that's ok. Because it's not really about being picture perfect, it's about being perfectly present, and I'm doing better at that than ever before.

One of the things I'm realizing, with this greater degree of presence, is how much darkness the men I've loved in the past carry with them. Which is no accident: A wise woman I spoke to last week told me that when I fell for men with gaping wounds, I did it so that it would be ok for me to have a gaping wound. Which makes a ton of sense.

Now that I'm further along in my own healing, I'm ready for a man with more light. But until I'm lying next to him, I'll be just fine doing some ceiling gazing on my own:

Laying in my bed, ceiling gazing
Wide awake with jet-lag from Australia
Got a stack of mail, and a wedding invitation
From a new, young relative I never even knew

Got me thinking about my grandpa for some reason
Met him half a dozen times in a nursing home
The last time I saw him, he was in a box
And they were lowering him into the ground

St. Mary's Church stood so high
It was the first and the last time I saw my dad cry
The ground had a thin coat of snow,
And we wondered off in the cold.

It's 3:47 AM June 13th
It's my sister's birthday today, I think
Gonna give her a call, and see how she's doing
She had a rough divorce, I hope she's improved

I wanna reach out, and give her my love
Put a smile on her face, like when we were young
Listening to records from the library
Hermit of Mink Hollow and Dreamboat Annie

She lives with her daughters, all alone
Across the street from a cornfield in Ohio
One's four, one's seven, and I love them so,
I wanna live a long time, and see them grow.

...with no love beside me, and no dog asleep at my feet:

Outside my window tonight
Sausalito's twinkling lights
My love's beside me, deep asleep
Dog is laying between my feet

... and yet with so much to write in the gratitude journal that I keep next to my bed:

Outside my window tonight
A cargo ship's cruising by
And I'm so happy to be alive
To have these people in my life

The Things I Regret

Selfie with one of the beautiful birthday girls this weekend!

On the way home from practice this morning, I was so happy to hear my girl Brandie belting out this new number:

Ohhhhh ohhhh ohhhh oh-o-oh
Ohhhhh ohhhh ohhhh oh-o-oh

There’s a hole in my pocket where my dreams fell through,
from a sidewalk in the city to the avenue.
There’s a leak in my dam ‘bout the size of a pin,
and I can’t quite remember where the water’s getting in.

But when you’re wearing on your sleeve,
all the things you regret,
you can only remember what you want to forget.
You feel it tugging at your heart,
like the stars overhead,
‘til you rest your bones on the killing bed.

Let them roll over me.
Let them roll over me,
when I doubt you.

Let them roll over me.
Let them roll over me,
when I doubt you.

With the weight of the world resting on my back,
and the road on which I've travelled is as long as it is cracked.
But I keep pressing forward with my feet to the ground,
for a heart that is broken makes a beautiful sound.

I love me some Brandi in general, but that last line really got right to me. I had a call this weekend with a woman who delivered the unsugarcoated truth about where I am in my life and where my work is going forward. And there's a lot of work, some of which I'm really not sure how to go about doing. Like learning to receive, understanding that money is neutral, and finding more of a balance between being in my mind and being in my body.

I feel like I've been working at all of those things, but maybe that's part of the problem. Maybe it's about surrender rather than working? I don't know, but I'm trying not to take my to-do list as an indictment on my current station in this life:

I walk through my days like a ghost in a dream,
but the field carries on and my past follows me.
It’s hard moving on from the things you done wrong,
when they play in your head like an old fashioned song.

But when you’re wearing on your sleeve,
all the things you regret,
you can only remember what you want to forget.

Lonely miles,
without you.

Lonely miles,
without you.

Let them roll over me.
Let them roll over me,
when I doubt you.

Let them roll over me.
Let them roll over me,
when I doubt you.

Let them roll over me.
Let them roll over me.
Let them roll over me.
Let them roll over me.

Let the ground keep my faults.
Let the water be my home.
Let the dust hold my soul,
like a holy rolling stone.

Yeah. Let that happen. Maybe that'll help...

Revelate

Merry Christmas to me -- a Guinness at lunch!

Today I got to meet my old boss and coworker for a Holiday lunch at Brocach. It was so nice to see them both and catch up, plus the food was great and I got to have my favorite (well, at least one of my favorite), Irish beverages, Guinness, with my lunch. What a treat!

Speaking of treats, these irish dudes are definitely one:

My simple slant
This broken chant
My humble fate
My revelate
Are you so far from me this day
That you can't say my revelate

My open arms
My lucky charms
My number eight
My revelate
I fucked it up
I rest my case
Cause it's all to grey
My revelate

Sometimes I need a revelation
Sometimes it's all too hard to take
Sometimes I need a revelation
This time I'm making my own now
Does this mean we're through
Does this mean it's gone
I spent a day just to ponder the words
That I would write to you this day
But it's all too great, my revelate

Sometimes I need a revelation
Sometimes it's all too hard to take
Sometimes I need a revelation
This time it's up in arms

This time I need you revelation
Sometimes it's all too much to take
This time I need you revelation
Sometimes it's easy just to hate you
Sometimes I need a revelation
Sometimes I,sometimes I,

Redeem yourself
Redeem yourself
Redeem yourself

You Make My Dreams

I can't remember if I blogged about it or not, but a few weeks ago, I had a dream that I was in Europe with the first man I've been really drawn to since the New Englander. We were so happy! We were just having the best time, and at the end of the dream we were locked in this huge embrace with the biggest grins on our faces, noses nearly touching.

When I woke up, I felt, for the first time, what it is like to feel so happy and free and in love. This feeling of pure joy was never possible for me before, because truly until the New Englander left and I did all that grieving, I had been hauling sadness around with me wherever I went -- and god knows he brought more than his share of that to the table.

I'm not gonna lie, having this dream about my crush definitely served to magnify my feelings for him. Maybe he was going to be the person with whom I felt that happiness and freedom!? Being around him does make me feel lighter, there is no doubt about that.

But here's what else I know is true: His words don't match his actions, and that's a dealbreaker for me in any relationship. AND he's not ready to be in a romantic relationship, and that's the relationship I want with someone to whom I am attracted.

Talking to one of my healer peeps yesterday, I realized that means that it is best for me to limit my contact with said lovely man. What's the point of being around someone I find so adorable if he's not in a position to adore me right back? There is no point.

My healer also said something really significant for me, which was that the dream came to show me that I both have the capacity for great joy and that I'm ready to embrace it -- that it's in me. So huge! Because that means it isn't necessarily tied to that lovely man to whom I'm energetically drawn but who has very little to give right now. In fact, it means the more I detach from him the more open I am to the real deal, the man who, as Hall and Oates sing it, can make my dreams come true:

What I want you've got
And it might be hard to handle
Like the flame that burns the candle
The candle feeds the flame, yeah, yeah
What I've got's full stock
Of thoughts and dreams that scatter
Then you pull them all together
And how I can't explain
Oh, yeah
Well, well you
(Ooh-ho, hoo-ooh, ooh-oo)
You make my dreams come true
(You-hoo, you, you-hoo, hoo, you, hoo)
Well, well, well you
(You-hoo, hoo-hoo-ooh)
Oh, yeah
You make my dreams come true
(You make my dreams)
Come true
(You-hoo, you, you-hoo, hoo, you, hoo)

Yes you do, mystery man. I know it. I've felt it. Can't wait to meet you in real life!

Kansas City

Heard this song on my trip home from Milwaukee yesterday:

And I love you dear, but just how long
Can I keep singing the same old song
And I love you dear, but just how long
Can I keep singing the same old song
I'm going back to Kansas City

Up super early this morning -- more like middle of the night, really -- I am once again hearing these words (minus the Kansas City bit):

And I love you dear, but just how long
Can I keep singing the same old song
And I love you dear, but just how long
Can I keep singing the same old song
I'm going back to Kansas City

And I know the answer. I can't keep singing the same old song. Not anymore. It occurred to me this morning that I have lived this first half (give or take a few years) of my life largely alone. I spent my childhood mostly alone, inside my head, hiding from myself and from everyone I loved the truth about that with which I was living. I had a marriage in which the deeper I went toward myself the further I got from my husband -- not placing blame here -- but it doesn't get much lonelier than that.

And then once I was fully inhabiting mind, body, soul, heart, and I fell in love with the New Englander, I wound up with a man who not only retreated into himself periodically during our relationship but ultimately chose isolation over the vulnerability (and awesomeness) of being with me. During that time, I confused the frequent and fantastic comingling of our bodies as a true comingling of our lives. The latter never really happened.

Oof.

I get it. People are scary. Intimacy is scary. I had to walk the path that I have walked to get to a place in my life where I feel comfortable going down that road -- opening myself up to someone who is really ready to receive me and who has something to give. But that's what I intend to do moving forward:

And I love you dear, but just how long
Can I keep singing the same old song
And I love you dear, but just how long
Can I keep singing the same old song
I'm going back to Kansas City

Nah, I'm staying right here. But I won't keep singing the same old song...

Boob Spelled Backward is Boob

Today's important event: this girl's birthday!

Ahhh, Facebook. You waster of time. You loyal reminder of life's important events. You sharer of life's sorrows and joys.

Today's song comes from the latter category:

I imagine that I'm floating on a gentle river
I'm moving fast down a waterfall
And I'm falling, falling to my end

Never forget the good things in life
Like candy, life, eating, having fun
Because the end all that matters
All that matters is you

I am dreaming I'm a leaf on a tree

I'm swaying all around in the breeze

But then a crow jumps out and I fall

I get covered in weeds

Never forget the good things in life
Like candy, life, eating, having fun
Because the end all that matters
All that matters is you

Boob spelled backwards is boob
Boob spelled backwards is boob
Boob spelled backwards is boob
It's boob

Yes, Archer (songwriter and son of Mom with breast cancer), it is. You're pretty awesome for writing this song, the musicians who recorded it for you are pretty awesome too, and the most awesome news of all is that your Mom is still with you.

Thanks for deepening my already deep gratitude for the joy and privilege of motherhood. I've had a rich, varied and interesting life so far, but being a Mom is far and away the greatest thing I am and the greatest thing I've ever done...