If I Can't Change Your Mind

I asked the cards how to be with my ex

It was a no TV Saturday for me, so I was pumping Spotify through my Wonderboom in the kitchen when this magical number began to fill the air:

Tears fill up my eyes
I'm washed away with sorrow
And somewhere in my mind
I know there's no tomorrow
I see you're leaving soon
I guess you've had your fill
But if I can't change your mind
Then no one will

And all throughout the years
I've never strayed from you my dear
But you suspect I'm somewhere else
You're feeling sorry for yourself
Leaving with a broken heart
I love you even still
But if I can't change your mind
Then no one will

Even though my heart keeps breaking
Don't you know that I'll be waiting
Here for you
Then when you return
When will you return
I hope you see I'm dedicated
Look how long that I have waited
If you come back then you will find
A different person
If you change your mind

How can I explain away
Something that I haven't done
And if you can't trust me now
You'll never trust in anyone
With all the crazy doubts you've got
I love you even still
But if I can't change your mind
Then no one will

Someday you'll see I've been true
I'll stay that way until
But if I can't change your mind
Then no one will

I know the pain of which he sings, though the end of my romance with the New Englander did not come as a result of not being able to change his mind, or me not changing mine.

I feel like I've been through lots of machinations over the 11 weeks since he moved out, starting with a deep sadness upon physical parting, moving on to a sense of relief that I wasn't still fighting the same battles and negotiating the same minefields it felt I'd been negotiating for months, then feeling like I was going to get to skip over the agony of a breakup because this just needed to happen, to where I've been the last few days, really showing up to the grief of having this wonderful person not turn out to be my person after all.

It's so hard to know what kind of relationship is best for us now and how it's going to work. Prior to tonight, we'd only had one real conversation since he moved back to New England. I found that first conversation difficult because it hurt to hear his voice and to have him call me babe, etc. even though I felt I'd been clear about the necessary shift to friendship.

After that I told myself I didn't want to talk to him, and toward the end of this week I realized that was coming from a place of self-protection. I was keeping him at arms length so I didn't have to feel that deep pain of which I spoke a couple paragraphs ago, but of course not feeling it didn't mean it wasn't there.

I asked the oracle (by drawing a card) what I needed to know about my relationship now with the New Englander and I drew the card you can see pictured above, which instructed me to practice devotion to those closest to me.

And even 1100 miles apart, he remains, as the lovely phone conversation we had tonight proved, one of those closest to me...

Joshua Tree

This handsome mug had my heart for most of a decade

I bought myself a speaker. I've been listening to music on it, rather than watching TV on my computer. This is just one of the ways the New Englander influenced my life in a positive way.

It's strange to be here in this house without him or any of his stuff today. All that room in the garage, in the bed.

I'll get used to it. I know I will. I'll even relish it.

And yet, there will always be times when I see a photo, whether on my phone or in my mind, of a time and a place and a love we shared, and it will tug at my heartstrings and knowing me, send some tears down my face.

One of the songs that came on today expresses this sentiment beautifully:

I'm selfish
I always made your problems 'bout me
I can't help it
I wish I had a little empathy for ya
But that night that you told me
That I don't work hard enough
Told me I cracked too much
Ripped me to pieces
And then called it love
Oh and I never handled it like I wanted to
What was I supposed to do?
Knowing that both of us had enough

But when you think of me
I hope you think of Joshua Tree
That summer, where the road went on forever
No end in sight for us
When you think of me
I hope you think of the letters that I sent ya
From across town, just 'cause I missed ya
When the worst was yet to come
And you know I do, when I think of you
Yeah you know I do, when I think of you

You're careless
Always saying things you didn't mean
Took me for granted
Expecting me to find the in-between
But that night that I told you that I wouldn't marry you
Swear I could feel from the floor to the ceiling
Your walls came up
So then I pulled you closer, and you pushed me further
And nothing would matter
We kept getting sadder
And called it love

But when you think of me
I hope you think of Joshua Tree
That summer, where the road went on forever
No end in sight for us
When you think of me
I hope you think of the letters that I sent ya
From across town, just 'cause I missed ya
When the worst was yet to come
'Cause you know I do, when I think of you
Yeah you know I do, when I think of you

I think of New Year's in San Fransisco
Drunk on my roof looking at you
Wrapped up in your coat
So tell me, my dear
What do you think of?
Don't you remember why we fell in love?

Oh, when you think of me
I hope you think of Joshua Tree
That summer, where the road went on forever
No end in sight for us
When you think of me
I hope you think of the letters that I sent ya
From across town, just 'cause I missed ya
When the worst was yet to come
'Cause you know I do, when I think of you, oh baby
Yeah, you know I do, when I think of you
I think of you, I think of you, baby
Are you thinking 'bout me, baby?
I'm thinking 'bout ya

💔

Back Streets

My forever friend (I hope) leaves for NH

It was a day, in some ways, like many others. I made avocado toast. We sat outside on the back patio and ate it.

As this song wafted through the speakers, the New Englander explained how it had affected him when he was a youngster:

One soft infested summer
Me and Terry became friends
Trying in vain to breathe
The fire we was born in
Catching rides to the outskirts
Tying faith between our teeth
Sleeping in that old abandoned beach house
Getting wasted in the heat
And hiding on the backstreets
Hiding on the backstreets
With a love so hard and filled with defeat
Running for our lives at night on them backstreets

Slow dancing in the dark
On the beach at Stockton's Wing
Where desperate lovers park
We sat with the last of the Duke Street Kings
Huddled in our cars
Waiting for the bells that ring
In the deep heart of the night
We let loose of everything
To go running on the backstreets
Running on the backstreets
Terry you swore we'd live forever
Taking it on them backstreets together

Endless juke joints and Valentino drag
Where dancers scraped the tears
Up off the streets dressed down in rags
Running into the darkness
Some hurt bad some really dying
At night sometimes it seemed
You could hear the whole damn city crying
Blame it on the lies that killed us
Blame it on the truth that ran us down
You can blame it all on me Terry
It don't matter to me now
When the breakdown hit at midnight
There was nothing left to say
But I hated him
And I hated you when you went away

Now laying here in the dark
You're like an angel on my chest
Just another tramp of hearts
Crying tears of faithlessness
Remember all the movies, Terry
We'd go see
Trying to learn how to walk like the heroes
We thought we had to be
Well after all this time
To find we're just like all the rest
Stranded in the park
And forced to confess
To hiding on the backstreets
Hiding on the backstreets

Except it wasn't a day like many others. It was only kind of like one other day, June 26, 2013, when he moved back to NH the first time. And it wasn't even that much like that.

The feeling was really different this time. The feeling was saying goodbye to the two of us as lovers, to bowing in gratitude for what this time spent together in that way had done for us, and of moving on to a new phase.

We're not sure exactly how it'll work, but we're going to do our best to remember this day...

Where we swore forever friends
On the backstreets until the end

💕

Walk Me Home

Tonight the four of us went to see a movie, Peanut Butter Falcon. It was a big deal, in part because it's super rare that we can get them both to go to the same movie, and in part because it was our last dinner as a family -- at least until the New Englander returns in June 2021 for my daughter's high school graduation.

It was a beautiful evening. Beautiful movie, beautiful dinner, beautiful card and gift and love exchange.

Dinner at Cafe Porta Alba, one of our neighborhood faves

We've been so blessed over the last couple of years, plus the years prior to that when we've spent time with him, to have the New Englander in our family. He's added so much, and we all love him dearly.

So, one more time tonight, we'll do our version of what Pink sings about here -- Ride him home:

There's somethin' in the way you roll your eyes
Takes me back to a better time
When I saw everything is good
But now you're the only thing that's good
Tryna stand up on my own two feet
This conversation ain't coming easily
And darlin', I know it's getting late
So what do you say we leave this place?

Walk me home in the dead of night

So much love and goodness between these three!

I can't be alone with all that's on my mind, mhm
So say you'll stay with me tonight
'Cause there is so much wrong goin' on outside

There's somethin' in the way I wanna cry
That makes me think we'll make it out alive
So come on and show me how we're good
I think that we could do some good, mhm

Walk me home in the dead of night
I can't be alone with all that's on my mind, mhm
So say you'll stay with me tonight
'Cause there is so much wrong goin' on outside

Yes there is. But I feel confident we will be there for one another, even across the miles, because, like the Peanut Butter Falcon reminds us, friends are the family you choose...

Bad

Gonna miss this guy!

This gorgeous song was running through my head last night and this morning after a pillow-talk convo with the New Englander:

If you twist and turn away
If you tear yourself in two again
If I could, yes I would
If I could, I would let it go
Surrender, dislocate

If I could throw this lifeless lifeline to the wind
Leave this heart of clay, see you walk, walk away
Into the night, and through the rain
Into the half light and through the flame

If I could, through myself, set your spirit free
I'd lead your heart away, see you break, break away
Into the light and to the day

Hoo, hoo!
Hoo, hoo!
Hoo, hoo!
Hoo, hoo!
Hoo, hoo!
Hoo, hoo!

To let it go and so to fade away
To let it go and so fade away
I'm wide awake
I'm wide awake, wide awake
I'm not sleeping
Oh no, no, no

If you should ask, then maybe
They'd tell you what I would say
True colours fly in blue and black
Blue silken sky and burning flag
Colours crash, collide in blood-shot eyes

Hoo, hoo!
Hoo, hoo!
Hoo, hoo!

If I could, you know I would
If I could, I would let it go

Because, you see, if he could, I know he would. Make the changes that would make our lives together fulfilling and harmonious. I know he would.

But it doesn't work like that. That's the hard lesson I'm (we're?) learning.

And so we're going about our daily life, which feels almost normal, except for the fact that we are breaking up and he's packing up to move back to New Hampshire.

Which tells me we could've gone on like this forever, or at least a lot longer, allowing the good times to buoy us through the bad. But I feel certain that would be shortchanging both of us, and offering us less than the ease, peace, happiness and fulfillment that is available to each of us:

This desperation, dislocation
Separation, condemnation
Revelation, in temptation
Isolation, desolation
Let it go and so fade away
To let it go, oh yeah, and so fade away
To let it go, oh no, and so to fade away

Yeah U2, we two are gonna let the romance fade away. Here's hoping we can keep the friendship going.

In the meantime, your last few lines are true for me right now too:

I'm wide awake, I'm wide awake
Wide awake, I'm not sleeping
Oh no, no, no

Not for long, most nights these days. My system knows change is afoot...

Waiting For a Girl Like You

This morning I was riding my bike and my inner jukebox started up this number:

So long
I've been looking too hard
I've been waiting too long
Sometimes I don't know what I will find
I only know it's a matter of time
When you love someone
When you love someone

It feels so right, so warm and true
I need to know if you feel it too

Maybe I'm wrong
Won't you tell me if I'm coming on too strong
This heart of mine has been hurt before
This time I wanna be sure

I've been waiting for a girl like you
To come into my life
I've been waiting for a girl like you
A love that will survive
I've been waiting for someone new
To make me feel alive
Yeah, waiting for a girl like you
To come into my life

You're so good
When we make love
It's understood
It's more than a touch or a word we say
Only in dreams could it be this way
When you love someone
Yeah, really love someone

Specifically, the first two lines of this verse was on repeat, and I belted it out as I rode:

Now I know it's right
From the moment I wake up 'til deep in the night

I also sobbbbbbbbbbbed.

Here's the thing though, I did know it was right. The fact that it is coming to an end does not mean that it wasn't right. It means it's not right anymore. That's hard, but somehow it is easier than feeling like what I thought I knew was true wasn't true, which is what I struggled with the last time we broke up.

This is another verse that gets played over and over in my head:

It feels so right, so warm and true
I need to know if you feel it too

I know he did/does.

And it's going to be really hard to give it up.

But I trust we are doing the right thing. I know that it is better to let go than hold on when something deep inside tells me that he's not the right forever partner for me:

This heart of mine has been hurt before
This time I wanna be sure...

Just Between You and Me

These crazy kids met 9 years ago today

I'm not sure when it happened, exactly. I don't remember hearing this song recently:

Time and time again I see
A love that seemed strong was not meant to be
Broken hearts don't always mend
Left too unsure to try love again

But, just between you and me
Baby, I know our love will be
Just between you and me
Always I know our love will be
Just between you and me

Lovers often seem to say
Hearts can be blind to love gone astray
Always it's the same old song
Someone's been hurt by a love that's gone wrong

Just between you and me
Baby, I know our love will be
Just between you and me
Always I know our love will be
Just between you
Just between you and me

Words are sometimes hard to find
The silence can be so unkind
You always help me find my way
The love that we share grows stronger each day

Just between you and me
Baby, I know our love will be
Just between you and me
Always I know our love will be
Seulement entre toi et moi
Means that our love will always be
Just between you and me
Baby, I know our love will be
Just between you
Just between you and me

But I keep hearing it in my head.

And I'm finding it reassuring. Because even though we are splitting up, the love we shared will always be just between him and me...

Shattered Dreams

Darn, can't see the crazy eyebrows in this hot pic

The theme continues of this in-between place the New Englander and I are in and how freaking hard it is...

Tonight's installment:

During sex, this song came up on the inner ipod, right after I'd cried about how I wouldn't see his eyebrows turn all white and crazy as I'd expected I would:

So much for your promises
They died the day you let me go
Caught up in a web of lies
But it was just too late to know

I thought it was you
Who would stand by my side
And now you've given me, given me
Nothing but shattered dreams, shattered dreams
Feel like I could run away, run away
From this empty heart

You said you'd die for me,
Woke up to reality
And found the future not so bright

I dreamt the impossible
That maybe things could work out right
I thought it was you
Who would do me no wrong

But now you've given me, given me
Nothing but shattered dreams, shattered dreams
Feel like I could run away, run away
From this empty heart

To be fair, we've given each other shattered dreams.

And my heart, it's so far from empty -- it's full of gratitude for this love...

Best Part Of Me

My fam laughing nervously at my antics with the Buffalo

I'm not sure why, but google keeps suggesting I listen to certain songs. Did I somehow give the impression that I take requests for this blog? I dunno.

Here's today's selection:

My lungs are black, my heart is pure
My hands are scarred from nights before
And my hair is thinnin', falling out
Of all the wrong places
I am a little insecure

My eyes are crossed, but they're still blue
I bite my nails and tell the truth
I go from thin to overweight
Oh day to day it fluctuates
My skin is inked, but faded too

But she loves me, she loves me
Why the hell she love me
When she could have anyone else?
Oh you love me, you love me
Why the hell do you love me?
'Cause I don't even love myself

Baby, the best part of me is you
And lately everything's making sense too
Oh baby, I'm so in love with you

I overthink and still forgive
I lose my phone and place my bets
And I never catch the train on time
Always thirty minutes behind
Your worries ain't seen nothin' yet

But you love me, you love me
Why the hell you love me so
When you could have anyone else?
Yeah yeah, he loves me, he loves me
And I bet he never lets me go
And shows me ,how to love myself

'Cause, baby, the best part of me is you, woah
Lately everything's making sense too
Baby, I'm so in love with you
(With you)

Baby, the best part of me is you, woah
Lately everything's making sense too
Oh baby, I'm so in love with you

Baby, I'm so in love with you, yeah, yeah
Oh baby, I'm so in love with you

I'd never heard it before. It's pretty lovely, and part of it feels apropos of the situation in which my man and I find ourselves. Because one of the enemies of our harmony, though not the only one, was his sense that he wasn't deserving.

Anyway, on the subject of the best part of me, one of the reasons my kids and I are going to miss him so much is he is, in many ways, saner, more relaxed, funnier, and cooler than I am.

The photo above is a case in point -- when we were at Custer State Park, I wanted to get as close to the Buffalo as I could. I would've liked to give one a big ol' hug and kiss. I didn't, of course, because safety and wild animals and valuing my life. But I did get closer than my family, and closer than they were comfortable with...

I Don't Wanna Live Without Your Love

I think this place is called Hartman Creek? Swimming felt good

This past weekend, my man and I traveled to Medford, Wisconsin for my 30th high school reunion. That was a whole thing, which I wrote about separately from the blog -- you can check it out here.

We left home on Saturday morning and came back on Sunday night. In between, we went mountain biking a couple of times, one of which was super awesome, at Standing Rock State Park. Although we got there mid-morning, it was a nearly three hour ride and by the time we were done we were hot as hell.

So we drove around for a while and ended up at Hartman Creek State Park. It felt awesome to get in the water! And we topped it off with a Snickers ice cream cone -- what could be better?

I guess it was the fact that we shared some good times doing things we like to do together that made me hear this song in my head, in the middle of the night, not once but twice:

Thought it wouldn't matter
If we didn't stay together,
And if it was over,
Maybe it was for the better.
I was thinking I'd be alright,
'til I thought it all through.
Now I know that I ain't really living
If I have to live without you.

I don't wanna live without your love,
I don't wanna face the night alone.
I could never make it through my life
If I had to make it on my own.
I don't wanna love nobody else,
I don't wanna find somebody new.
I don't wanna live without your love,
I just wanna live my life with you.

Guess I had to go away,
So much I had to go through.
Guess I had to lose you
To realize how much I love you.
Can we make the fire burn again,
Burn a little stronger?
'Cause I've been alone, and baby,
I can't be alone now any longer.

I don't wanna live without your love,
I don't wanna face the night alone.
I could never make it through my life
If I had to make it on my own.
I don't wanna love nobody else,
I don't wanna find somebody new.
I don't wanna live without your love,
I just wanna live my life with you.

Oh, if I had to make it on my own,
My life would never be the same,
My love would never be the same.
I don't wanna live without your love.

I'm not gonna lie. There are times when I feel way.

Well kids, I do have to make it on my own, and I shall.
My life will not be the same, it will be better. More peaceful.
My love won't be the same, because it'll be matched by someone with whom I can live in harmony.
And I won't live without the New Englander's love. Not really. It will change forms, but I learned a long time ago you can't cut the golden thread of love.

Not ever...

Keep Me In Your Heart

The New Englander texted me this morning about this song making him feel emotional:

Shadows are falling and I'm running out of breath
Keep me in your heart for awhile

If I leave you it doesn't mean I love you any less
Keep me in your heart for awhile

When you get up in the morning and you see that crazy sun
Keep me in your heart for awhile

There's a train leaving nightly called when all is said and done
Keep me in your heart for awhile

Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-li-li-lo
Keep me in your heart for awhile

Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-li-li-lo
Keep me in your heart for awhile

Sometimes when you're doing simple things
around the house
Maybe you'll think of me and smile

You know I'm tied to you like the buttons on
your blouse
Keep me in your heart for awhile

Hold me in your thoughts, take me to your dreams
Touch me as I fall into view
When the winter comes keep the fires lit
And I will be right next to you

Engine driver's headed north to Pleasant Stream
Keep me in your heart for awhile

These wheels keep turning but they're running out
of steam
Keep me in your heart for awhile

Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-li-li-lo
Keep me in your heart for awhile

Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-li-li-lo
Keep me in your heart for awhile

Keep me in your heart for awhile

I get that. It's a sad one, especially facing up to this breakup.

And I will keep him in my heart, but not like I did during the last breakup. The last time, I felt convinced that he would find his way back to me, and that we would ride off into the sunset together.

One out of two ain't bad?

I know I make light of this situation at times and I know it makes some people around me uncomfortable, but I have to do what I can to get through this period where we're broken up but we still live together. It's really fucking hard. There are lots of reasons why I, we, thought it was a good idea, but that doesn't make it any easier.

So this time, I will keep him in my heart in that I will always love the human being that he is.

To do so, I will move him out of the spot in my heart that's reserved for the love of my life (whom I'm now pretty convinced I haven't yet met) and into the favorite people on the planet section.

It hurts, but I can do it. I know I can. The process has already begun...

When You Were Young

Mmmmmmmmmmontana  

When we were young, my man and I, we did not get the love we needed or wanted. We both entered adulthood with what I would call gaping wounds from the developmental trauma we endured. We have varying degrees of awareness about that trauma, and we've sought help with recovering from it to varying degrees as well.

All this adds up to, for us as a couple, a potentially volatile situation where one of our triggers winds up triggering the other one and before we know it there's a full scale battle on our hands and we are on opposite sides.

It's exhausting, and it's happened countless times over the past two years and change since we've been living together. It happened again yesterday, on the road, on the way to pick up my son in Seattle.

When it was over, when we both stopped yelling, switched drivers, and entered a kind of stunned silence, I felt something shift inside me.

"No more" I thought. "I can't do this anymore." Over the next 18 hours or so, this feeling crystallized for me. I wanted to be able to treat my man with love and respect at all times, and I wanted the same from him. I knew we'd proven, with this latest blowout, that this isn't possible for us - even after both individual and couple's therapy. Even with the crazy amount that we dig each other. It just doesn't work.

And so we began the process of deciding how to go about uncoupling. Neither of us had done it this way before - still in love - and we didn't really know how.

Lucky for us, we had another 9 days in the car and a soundtrack that included this choice song to help us figure it out:

You sit there in your heartache
Waitin' on some beautiful boy to
To save you from your old ways
You play forgiveness, watch it now, here he comes

He doesn't look a thing like Jesus
But he, talks like a gentleman
Like you imagined when you were young

Can we climb this mountain? I don't know
Higher now than ever before
I know we can make it if we take it slow
Let's take it easy, easy now, watch it go

We're burnin' down the highway skyline
On the back of a hurricane, that started turnin'
When you were young
When you were young

And sometimes you close your eyes
And see the place where you used to live
When you were young

I know that when we are apart, in September, we will sometimes close our eyes and see the place we used to live together. We aren't particularly young - definitely middle-aged by normal standards, but I sometimes think we are figuratively younger because of how we entered adulthood...

Rocketman

Oh Elton. I had no idea your life was so painful. I'm so sorry.

It's crazy to me how many artists have families who are horribly unsupportive. It was hard to watch: the nasty parents, the drug and alcohol abuse, and I could tell it was hard for my man to watch too.

It was also beautiful. Kinda like life in general.

Here's just one of the beautiful songs from this beautiful movie about this beautiful man:

She packed my bags last night, pre-flight
Zero hour: 9:00 a.m
And I'm gonna be high as a kite by then
I miss the Earth so much, I miss my life
It's lonely out in space
On such a timeless flight

And I think it's gonna be a long, long time
'Til touchdown brings me 'round again to find
I'm not the man they think I am at home
Oh no, no, no
I'm a rocket man
Rocket man
Burning out his fuse up here alone

Mars ain't the kind of place to raise your kids
In fact, it's cold as hell
And there's no one there to raise them if you did
And all this science I don't understand
It's just my job five days a week
A rocket man
A rocket man

And I think it's gonna be a long, long time
'Til touchdown brings me 'round again to find
I'm not the man they think I am at home
Oh no, no, no
I'm a rocket man
Rocket man
Burning out his fuse up here alone

And I think it's gonna be a long, long time
'Til touchdown brings me 'round again to find
I'm not the man they think I am at home
Oh no, no, no
I'm a rocket man
Rocket man
Burning out his fuse up here alone

And I think it's gonna be a long, long time
And I think it's gonna be a long, long time
And I think it's gonna be a long, long time
And I think it's gonna be a long, long time
And I think it's gonna be a long, long time

It was a long, long time, according to the movie, until Elton was truly loved, but he got there, and the rest of us can too...

Parachutes

My love with our friends' dog

Every so often in this blog I post two songs in a row from the same artist, and today is one of those times. I didn't check, but I'm guessing that of the times I've done it before, at least one of them has been Pearl Jam.

Today at yoga, our teacher talked about the story of Penelope and Odysseus, where Penelope spent 20 years waiting for her love. She turned away suitor after suitor, waiting for her love.

I did the same thing, though not for 20 years, but for the four years that the New Englander and I were apart. I didn't want anyone else. Of course it got lonely, and of course I had my moments of doubt, but mostly I just felt strongly that he was my person.

What I'm learning is that someone can be your person, like really be your person -- the person you love with your heart, soul and vagina -- and then not turn out to be the person you can harmoniously live with.

On the one hand, this feels kinda tragic. On the other, I know it happens all the time, and I said as much to the New Englander when we were trying to make sense of what's gone wrong with us.

This PJ song, like so many others, sings a version of what's in my heart today:

Why deny all the troubles when combined
With the missing links it don't feel like home now

That your gone all the troubles suddenly explained infinitum
You're always wishing and never here at home

You all the dreams we shared and
Lights we turned on
But the house is getting dark

And I don't want to know your past
But together share the dawn
And I won't need nothing else
Cause when we're dead
We would've had it all and died

I would've fallen from the sky til you
Parachutes have opened now

Heaven knows if there's a ceiling
Come so low with the kneeling
Please know that I got all the friends I'm needing
Before my light go out
As the doors are closing now

And far away will be my home
And to grasp this, I don't know
But I don't need
Further back and forth, a wave will break on me today

And love
Wish the world could glow again with love
One can't see to have enough

And war
Break the sky and tell me what it's for
I'll travel there on my own

And love
What a different life
Had I not found this love with you

It's so true. And if it has to end, and I think it does, it's no less true that my life would have been different - nowhere near as full of passion and adventure and learning - had I not found this love with him...

Can't Go On Without You

Youtube dialed up this number for me the other day:

Well they thought they were made for each other
One thinking of one another
Never thinking just for one second
She would take a different attraction
We don't want that
We don't want that
We don't want that
Oh no
We don't want that
We don't want that
We don't want that
Oh no
I can't go on without you
I can't go on without you
Can't go on without you, yeah
I can't go on without you
Oh so, what's the point of breaking my sweet heart?
She wanted me to let down my guard
Well, you know what they say, it's better that way
So, so you better hush and walk away
We don't want that
We don't want that
We don't want that
Oh no
We don't want that
We don't want that
We don't want that
Oh no
I can't go on without you
I can't go on without you, oh lord
Can't go on without you, ooh ooh
I can't go on, won't go on, living on, without you
Woah yeah
Woah ah
Well, was I supposed to wait for you sweetheart?
And hide away the shame
Yes I keep it all inside
Though the thought had crossed my mind
To do all the things I regret and we don't want that
We don't want that
We don't want that
We don't want that
Oh no
We don't want that
We don't want that
We don't want that
Oh no
I can't, I can't, I can't go on without you
I can't go on without you, oh lord
Go on without you, ooh ooh
I can't go on without you babe
Yeah
Ahh, she loves me
She loves me not
She loves me
My love's gon' love me
Oh so what is left but a broken man?
'Cause nothing hurts like a woman can
I can't go on without you
I can't go on without you, oh yeah
Can't go on without you
I can't go on without you, oh
Oh without you lord, without you
Without you babe, without you
Oh lord, you

It's a beautiful song,  one I'd never heard before, and it expresses a sentiment with which I am quite familiar. It is how I have felt, at various points, about my current man.

Not gonna lie, there's still a huge part of me that feels this way. But there's also a part of me that listens to my yoga teacher call us "very entangled" and understands that isn't healthy. There's a part of me that really isn't sure, as much as we love each other, that we bring out the best in each other. Or want the same things.

I'm reserving judgement for now, and just trying to put some space around the feelings, reminding myself that mostly, I want what is best for both of us...

Closer to Love

Early Spring morning, Wisco style

I'm just finishing up a retreat out at Holy Wisdom monastery and it was glorious! Sunshine, some warmth, deer, ducks, and a bunch of time to myself. Ahhhhhhhhh.

I ended up resting a BUNCH. I guess I needed it. I went on a couple of runs. I did some yoga, though that mostly felt hard so I did less than normal.

My primary goal was to do some writing, and I managed to do that too, which felt really good. I know that I will write a book, actually, I know that I will write more than one, but I still find the prospect daunting. I still go into my brain a lot and feel like I should figure out how it'll all go together. I know that's not how it works and yet...

Still, I'm proud of myself. I made the space to come out here and I got some delicious time alone.

I read, and I wrote. Part of what I read was this blog, which made me remember a couple of important things:

1) I used to write long, juicy posts and I haven't done that in a long time; and
2) I am really lucky to get to share my life with my love and I'm pretty sure we can do a better job than we have been doing at loving each other.

Heard this Mat Kearney song as I was packing up my little retreat center room today, and it seemed like a good one to mark my day (and weekend):

Oh it's your life
Oh it's your way
Pull me out of the dark
Just to show me the way
Cryin out now
From so far away
You pull me closer to love
Closer to love

Having time on retreat for sure pulls me closer to love.

Now to return home to my man and remember/allow all the ways he pulls me closer to love...

Alaska

View of Lake Superior from the top of Mount Bohemia

It took soooo long to get there. To the Keweenaw Penninsula in Upper Michigan, yeah, that's a long ass drive. But I mean here, to the point where I'd had enough of a break from work and practice and enough time to recover that I felt game for 13 hours in the car for a single weekend devoted to facilitating my man's access to one of his greatest passions: Alpine skiing.

A very happy man

It wasn't easy. Day one's drive went smoothly, but day two, which took us the last 45 miles, was for some reason a trigger for me. I couldn't watch as we drove, I felt scared to death, literally: our impending death felt imminent. That probably sounds dramatic, and it was. I squeezed my eyes shut, tears falling down my face, and then finally managed to muster up the courage to tell my man what was going on. I always fear, when I let him into these spaces, that doing so will cause him to spin out, but I didn't want to be alone with it, either.

Not surprisingly, when we got to Mount Bohemia, I wasn't in a great frame of mind (or body), and being at a ski area where 80% of the runs are way beyond my ability didn't feel great. So I took a few spins down the one manageable blue run and then camped out in the lodge with a book, which felt a lot better than continuing to ski.

To my man's credit, he didn't get triggered. He didn't worry too much about the fact that I wasn't in a great space to enjoy the mountain. He did his thing. I was proud of us for this -- managing to each take care of our own needs.

And then he suggested we bail and go Nordic skiing, during which my mood, and my experience on the trip, turned to experiencing the glory of winter for myself. The snow! The sky! The lake! So, so beautiful.

On Day 3, we returned to Mount Bohemia, and this time I was up to the task of working on my form and skiing in the trees, which was pretty darn magical, if a little bit scary.

This morning on NPR, I heard a story about Maggie Rogers, and about this song in particular, which feels apropos of this journey, both to the U.P.  and to these places within ourselves and each other:

I was walking through icy streams
That took my breath away
Moving slowly through westward water
Over glacial plains
And I walked off you
And I walked off an old me
Oh me oh my I thought it was a dream
So it seemed
And now, breathe deep
I'm inhaling
You and I, there's air in between
Leave me be
I'm exhaling
You and I, there's air in between
You and I, there's air in between
Cut my hair so I could rock back and forth
Without thinking of you
Learned to talk and say
Whatever I wanted to
And I walked off you
And I walked off an old me
Oh me oh my I thought it was a dream
So it seemed
And now, breathe deep
I'm inhaling
You and I, there's air in between
Leave me be
I'm exhaling
You and I, there's air in between
You and I, there's air in between
You and I, there's air in between

Yep, there is. Just enough...

Love Your Way

Outfit inspired by Peter Frampton

It has been soooooooo long since I've blogged. I've been on lockdown. I haven't been writing. I've barely been listening to music, or singing it.

I think it was Lady Gaga that unlocked it for me. That voice of hers could crack open the tightest vault.

This morning, I was texting with a friend who is sick. I sent her some love, and she texted back: "Love your way too."

I'm thrilled to report that this song started to play on my inner jukebox:

Shadows grow so long before my eyes
And they're moving across the page
Suddenly the day turns into night
Far away from the city
Don't hesitate
'Cause your love won't wait

Oh baby I love your way, everyday
Wanna tell you I love your way, everyday
Wanna be with you night and day

Moon appears to shine and light the sky
With the help of some firefly
Wonder how they have the power to shine, shine, shine
I can see them under the pine
Don't hesitate
'Cause your love won't wait

Oh baby I love your way, everyday
Wanna tell you I love your way, oh
Wanna be with you night and day, oh yeah

Well don't hesitate
'Cause your love won't wait

I can see the sunset in your eyes
Brown and gray, blue besides
Clouds are stalking islands in the sun
I wish I could buy one
Out of season

Don't hesitate
'Cause your love won't wait

Oh baby I love your way, everyday
Wanna tell you I love your way
Wanna be with you night and day

And just like that, the muse came back.

Welcome back, sweetest heart. I've missed you so!

Shallow

Damnnnnnnnnn, this movie moved me. Wow. What a powerful film.

I was super grateful to get to sit next to my man and take it in. The music was of course one of the most powerful parts of it, and this song, when Lady Gaga comes onstage, is my fave:

Tell me somethin' girl
Are you happy in this modern world?
Or do you need more?
Is there somethin' else you're searchin' for?

I'm falling
In all the good times I find myself longin' for change
And in the bad times I fear myself

Tell me something boy
Aren't you tired tryin' to fill that void?
Or do you need more?
Ain't it hard keeping it so hardcore?

I'm falling
In all the good times I find myself longing for change
And in the bad times I fear myself

I'm off the deep end, watch as I dive in
I'll never meet the ground
Crash through the surface, where they can't hurt us
We're far from the shallow now

In the shallow, shallow
In the shallow, shallow
In the shallow, shallow
We're far from the shallow now

Wooaaaah
Woaaaaaaaaaaah

I'm off the deep end, watch as I dive in
I'll never meet the ground
Crash through the surface, where they can't hurt us
We're far from the shallow now

In the shallow, shallow
In the shallow, shallow
In the shallow, shallow
We're far from the shallow now

Yes, we are far from the shallow. In nice and deep, where all the juicy stuff is...

You're Somebody Else

Loving the fall sunshine at Devil's Lake

It's been a while since I've heard a (new to me) song on the radio and been immediately taken with it, but this one definitely falls into that category:

I saw the part of you
That only when you're older you will see too
You will see too
I held the better cards
But every stroke of luck has gotta bleed through
It's gotta bleed through

You held the balance of the time
That only blindly I could read you
But I could read you
It's like you told me
Go forward slowly
It's not a race to the end

Well, you look like yourself
But you're somebody else
Only it ain't on the surface
Well, you talk like yourself
No, I hear someone else though
Now you're making me nervous

You were the better part
Of every bit of beating heart that I had
Whatever I had
I finally sat alone
Pitch black, flesh and bone
Couldn't believe that you were gone

Well, you look like yourself
But you're somebody else
Only it ain't on the surface
Well, you talk like yourself
No, I hear someone else though
Now you're making me nervous

Well, you look like yourself
But you're somebody else
Only it ain't on the surface
Well, you talk like yourself
No, I hear someone else though
Now you're making me nervous

You were the better part
Of every bit of beating heart that I had
Whatever I had
I finally sat alone
Pitch black, flesh and bone
Couldn't believe that you were gone

Well, you look like yourself
But you're somebody else
Only it ain't on the surface
Well, you talk like yourself
No, I hear someone else though
Now you're making me nervous

Well, you look like yourself
But you're somebody else
Only it ain't on the surface
Well, you talk like yourself
No, I hear someone else though
Now you're making me nervous

I saw the part of you
That only when you're older you will see too
You will see too

I can imagine how I would've felt if I'd heard this song two years ago, when my man still felt, in part, like someone else. I'm grateful for all the parts of him I've been able to see, maybe especially the part that recognized he was deserving of love and came back to claim it for himself...