So Long, Marianne

During an episode of This is Us tonight, they played this beautiful song and talked about how Leonard Cohen had written it for his ex-girlfriend, with whom he remains friends:

Come over to the window, my little darling,
I'd like to try to read your palm.
I used to think I was some kind of Gypsy boy
before I let you take me home.
Now so long, Marianne, it's time that we began
to laugh and cry and cry and laugh about it all again.

The New Englander and I don't quite laugh and cry about it all again, but we did laugh together again, and show up for what's happening in each other's lives. It's still hard for both of us to understand how we unraveled, and it sounds like this is a bit of a mystery for Leonard and Marianne too:

Well you know that I love to live with you,
but you make me forget so very much.
I forget to pray for the angels
and then the angels forget to pray for us.

Now so long, Marianne, it's time that we began ...

We met when we were almost young
deep in the green lilac park.
You held on to me like I was a crucifix,
as we went kneeling through the dark.

Almost young, I like that phrase - -I'm not sure if the New Englander and I would qualify, at 39 and 44 when we met. I sho can relate to holding on to him like a crucifix, though - there was definitely, I think for both of us, a feeling of being saved by the love we shared.

Oh so long, Marianne, it's time that we began ...

Your letters they all say that you're beside me now.
Then why do I feel alone?
I'm standing on a ledge and your fine spider web
is fastening my ankle to a stone.

It's hard getting on after a breakup, and sometimes it does feel lonely, and as though the hold my former lover has is weighing me down.

Now so long, Marianne, it's time that we began ...

For now I need your hidden love.
I'm cold as a new razor blade.
You left when I told you I was curious,
I never said that I was brave.

I am brave, or I wouldn't have been able to end things in the first place, but sometimes, sometimes I don't feel all that brave. Sometimes I just plain miss him.

Oh so long, Marianne, it's time that we began ...

Oh, you are really such a pretty one.
I see you've gone and changed your name again.
And just when I climbed this whole mountainside,
to wash my eyelids in the rain!

I'm with you there, Leonard, my eyelids get lots of washing, rain and shine!

Oh so long, New Englander, it's time that we began...

Back Streets

My forever friend (I hope) leaves for NH

It was a day, in some ways, like many others. I made avocado toast. We sat outside on the back patio and ate it.

As this song wafted through the speakers, the New Englander explained how it had affected him when he was a youngster:

One soft infested summer
Me and Terry became friends
Trying in vain to breathe
The fire we was born in
Catching rides to the outskirts
Tying faith between our teeth
Sleeping in that old abandoned beach house
Getting wasted in the heat
And hiding on the backstreets
Hiding on the backstreets
With a love so hard and filled with defeat
Running for our lives at night on them backstreets

Slow dancing in the dark
On the beach at Stockton's Wing
Where desperate lovers park
We sat with the last of the Duke Street Kings
Huddled in our cars
Waiting for the bells that ring
In the deep heart of the night
We let loose of everything
To go running on the backstreets
Running on the backstreets
Terry you swore we'd live forever
Taking it on them backstreets together

Endless juke joints and Valentino drag
Where dancers scraped the tears
Up off the streets dressed down in rags
Running into the darkness
Some hurt bad some really dying
At night sometimes it seemed
You could hear the whole damn city crying
Blame it on the lies that killed us
Blame it on the truth that ran us down
You can blame it all on me Terry
It don't matter to me now
When the breakdown hit at midnight
There was nothing left to say
But I hated him
And I hated you when you went away

Now laying here in the dark
You're like an angel on my chest
Just another tramp of hearts
Crying tears of faithlessness
Remember all the movies, Terry
We'd go see
Trying to learn how to walk like the heroes
We thought we had to be
Well after all this time
To find we're just like all the rest
Stranded in the park
And forced to confess
To hiding on the backstreets
Hiding on the backstreets

Except it wasn't a day like many others. It was only kind of like one other day, June 26, 2013, when he moved back to NH the first time. And it wasn't even that much like that.

The feeling was really different this time. The feeling was saying goodbye to the two of us as lovers, to bowing in gratitude for what this time spent together in that way had done for us, and of moving on to a new phase.

We're not sure exactly how it'll work, but we're going to do our best to remember this day...

Where we swore forever friends
On the backstreets until the end

💕

Hold Your Head Up High

A friend at yoga told me today that she wished I could stay while the people in teacher training present their projects, which felt really great.

I asked her what hers was about, and she said she was going to sing this beauty of a song:

I've made a lot of choices
Most have not been wise
But I have some really good friends
I've been fortunate to find
They get through the lonely days
When I want to stay inside myself
They get me out of my shell
Out into the world
I am coming back, I'm coming back again
I had lost everything and then I got it back again
I dug myself so deep, deep into a hole
Then getting out was so far beyond my control
In the past I've always had trouble on my mind
I'm gonna take that feeling and leave it far behind
As I go down this path traveling through my fate
Lately I have begun to awake
It all started out in Jackson and we moved across the land
And all the dehydration turned the soil into sand
And then one day they hauled me away
And I was out there, out on my own
The thieves, they came and went
They took everything in sight
And then we got it back again
Oh, I had to fight
And I, then I woke up from the middle of the strangest dream
And everyone was there that I ever knew and they all began to sing
Hold you head high, just as high as you can
Things will work out soon, things will come round again
You see I've got this fascination with all the wrong ways to go
I get lost even in the places that I know
Hold your head high, just as high as you can
Things will work out soon, things will come round again
Hold your head high, just as high as you can
Things will work out soon, things will come round again

They always do...

Love Your Way

Outfit inspired by Peter Frampton

It has been soooooooo long since I've blogged. I've been on lockdown. I haven't been writing. I've barely been listening to music, or singing it.

I think it was Lady Gaga that unlocked it for me. That voice of hers could crack open the tightest vault.

This morning, I was texting with a friend who is sick. I sent her some love, and she texted back: "Love your way too."

I'm thrilled to report that this song started to play on my inner jukebox:

Shadows grow so long before my eyes
And they're moving across the page
Suddenly the day turns into night
Far away from the city
Don't hesitate
'Cause your love won't wait

Oh baby I love your way, everyday
Wanna tell you I love your way, everyday
Wanna be with you night and day

Moon appears to shine and light the sky
With the help of some firefly
Wonder how they have the power to shine, shine, shine
I can see them under the pine
Don't hesitate
'Cause your love won't wait

Oh baby I love your way, everyday
Wanna tell you I love your way, oh
Wanna be with you night and day, oh yeah

Well don't hesitate
'Cause your love won't wait

I can see the sunset in your eyes
Brown and gray, blue besides
Clouds are stalking islands in the sun
I wish I could buy one
Out of season

Don't hesitate
'Cause your love won't wait

Oh baby I love your way, everyday
Wanna tell you I love your way
Wanna be with you night and day

And just like that, the muse came back.

Welcome back, sweetest heart. I've missed you so!

Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood

I took my daughter shopping at one of my sometime favorite discount stores last night, and although she got a bunch of new numbers, it was I who truly scored!

When my daughter saw me in this Puma one piece, she declared: "Mom, you have to buy that, but you can never wear it in public around me!"

That might be my favorite all-time quote.

I bought it alright. And I was so excited that I wore it to yoga this morning, and it instantly put me and my practice partner in an awesome mood.

Gotta love a number that raises your vibration!

Gotta love this number, which on the radio I heard leaving the studio:

Baby, do you understand me now
Sometimes I feel a little mad
Well don't you know that no-one alive
Can always be an angel
When things go wrong I seem to be bad

I'm just a soul who's intentions are good
Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood

Baby, sometimes I'm so carefree
With a joy that's hard to hide
And sometimes it seems that
All I have to do is worry
And then you're bound to see my other side

I'm just a soul who's intentions are good
Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood

If I seem edgy, I want you to know
That I never mean to take it out on you
Life has it's problems and I get my share
And that's one thing I never mean to do

Cause I love you
Oh, oh, oh, baby, don't you know I'm human
Have thoughts like any other one
Sometimes I find myself alone and regretting
Some foolish thing, some little simple thing I've done

I'm just a soul who's intentions are good
Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood

That's me -- and please don't let me daughter be seen with me in my catsuit!

Oxford Comma

The (nearly) 46 year old birthday girl!

My friend helped me kickoff my birthday week in style with a delicious dinner at Field Table.

It was lovely and we noted that the tunes were more from our era than our waitress's, who was wearing a Vampire Weekend Tshirt.

"I'm pretty sure that's a band," I told my friend, and then I came home and looked it up.

Sure enough! And a fun one at that. Here's a little sample:

Who gives a fuck about an Oxford comma?
I've seen those English dramas too
They're cruel
So if there's any other way
To spell the word
It's fine with me, with me

Why would you speak to me that way
Especially when I always said that I
Haven't got the words for you
All your diction dripping with disdain
Through the pain
I always tell the truth

Who gives a fuck about an Oxford comma?
I climbed to Dharamsala too
I did
I met the highest lama
His accent sounded fine
To me, to me

Check your handbook
It's no trick
Take the chapstick
Put it on your lips
Crack a smile
Adjust my tie
Know your boyfriend, unlike other guys

Why would you lie about how much coal you have?
Why would you lie about something dumb like that?
Why would you lie about anything at all?
First the window, then it's to the wall
Lil' Jon, he always tells the truth

Check your passport
It's no trick
Take the chapstick
Put it on your lips
Crack a smile
Adjust my tie
Know your butler, unlike other guys
Why would you lie about how much coal you have?
Why would you lie about something dumb like that?
Why would you lie about anything at all?
First the window, then it's through the wall
Why would you tape my conversations?
Show your paintings
At the United Nations
Lil' Jon, he always tells the truth

I love discovering new music!

The Power of Love

I heard this super cheesy oldie on my way to yoga tonight with my favorite yoga buddy:

The power of love is a curious thing
Make a one man weep, make another man sing
Change a hawk to a little white dove
More than a feeling that's the power of love

Tougher than diamonds, rich like cream
Stronger and harder than a bad girl's dream
Make a bad one good make a wrong one right
Power of love that keeps you home at night

You don't need money, don't take fame
Don't need no credit card to ride this train
It's strong and it's sudden and it's cruel sometimes
But it might just save your life
That's the power of love
That's the power of love

First time you feel it, it might make you sad
Next time you feel it it might make you mad
But you'll be glad baby when you've found
That's the power makes the world go'round

I almost changed the station, but I decided to just turn it up and sing along:

And it don't take money, don't take fame
Don't need no credit card to ride this train
It's strong and it's sudden it can be cruel sometimes
But it might just save your life

They say that all in love is fair
Yeah, but you don't care
But you'll know what to do
When it gets hold of you
And with a little help from above
You feel the power of love
You feel the power of love
Can you feel it?
Hmmm

And then at the end of class, after savasana, my friend kissed the side of my head.

Yes Huey, I thought. I can feel it. THAT's the power of love...

Take Off Your Shackles

It hasn't been easy on me, this holiday season, to be separated from my family of origin. It has felt like where I need to be, but not at all comfortable.

I went to see one of my yoga teachers for Reiki today. I've been in his classes for more than a year now, but this was our first one-on-one, hourlong session.

At the end of the session, he expressed awe about what I am working with energetically. I know, I told him, it's big.

Yes, he said, and there's a thickness to it. Almost like stone.

I call it metal, I told him, this armor behind my heart.

He told me to be sure I don't mistake being comfortable as the goal -- that I can be safe but also uncomfortable, and that's how I will be able to thin that armor.

He said it probably isn't about getting rid of the armor for good, but rather learning how to more easily take the armor on and off.

That made a lot of sense to me.

I went home, took a nap, talked to my man, and then headed to yoga. I didn't feel great physically, and was struggling emotionally. At the end of class, when my friend squeezed my hand in savasana, I started to cry.

I often have that reaction to people reaching out to me when I feel vulnerable. I think they are tears of relief. That I'm not that little girl anymore, alone and afraid, protected only by the armor that she had to create to keep herself safe, or as safe as she could.

I've worked hard to take those shackles off, just as John Savage sings about here:

What know the pilots of the stars of tears?
Well let me tell you that there won't be any here
As you fly towards a setting sun
There will be a new one
And I won't hold you down
I won't hold you down

Let me in and I'll let you out
Why don't let me and I'll let you out?
I've already read it in your eyes
Yet I don't have perfect vision
I don't wanna live in warm white lies
Don't shy from your decision

Are siren like shores calling out your name?
Well I don't need to know why it's not the same
If you don't need me
If you need to be free
Then I won't hold you down
I won't hold you down

Let me in and I'll let you out
Why don't let me in and I'll let you out?
I've already read it in your eyes
Yet I don't have perfect vision
I don't wanna live in warm white lies
So tell me sweetly
Tell me sweetly
Tell me sweetly

So take off your shackles and go
So take off your shackles and go
Go home, go home, go home
Go home, go home, go home

The woman I work with for trauma recovery says go home to the body, home to your deepest self.

I try to be there, in that home, as much as I can. And when I realize I'm not there, I try to return, as quickly as I can. I know that continuing to integrate my mind into my body is one way to make that move more permanently, and I'm working on that every day...

No One's More Happy Than You

Today I called and left a voicemail for a friend, telling her a bit about my life as I often do when I leave her a message. And as I spoke I realized, and relayed to her, how happy I was feeling. Genuinely happy. Not really linked to a single event or person, just a feeling of contentment. Awesome.

And that feeling struck up this number on the internal jukebox:

No ones more happy than you
Even the sky's feeling blue
And you don't believe, but it's true
No one's more happy than you

A beautiful Hackensack night
Two teenagers kiss and hold tight
The satellite swimming above
Is sending a message of love

No one's more happy than you
Even the sky's feeling blue
And you don't believe, but it's true
No one's more happy than you
No one's more happy than you

The Stop N Shop is open all night
With a mothering florescent light
The milk carton pictures a dove
As the intercom crackles with love

No one's more happy than you
The foot's on the other shoe
And nobody knows what to do
'Cause no one's more happy than you
No one's more happy than you

No one's more happy than you
No one

I don't know about that, but I do know that I'm going to fully inhabit this feeling for as long as I can...

Love Is All

This morning I debated about whether to ride my bike because it was cloudy but decided to chance it. I rode to my friend's house to carpool to practice and soon after we got inside it started pouring. Lucky for me, she was willing and able to drop me at Colectivo on State so I didn't have to arrive at work soaking wet -- and I was able to stay at the coffee shop and work. I was super grateful.

In the car, my friend played this beautiful number for me by a band I hadn't heard before:

Well I walk upon the river like it's easier than land
Evil's in my pocket and your will is in my hand
Oh, your will is in my hand

And I'll throw it in the current that I stand upon so still
Love is all, from what I've heard, but my heart's learned to kill
Oh, mine has learned to kill

Oh, I said I could rise
From the harness of our goals
Here come the tears
But like always, I let them go
Just let them go

And now spikes will keep on falling from the heavens to the floor
The future was our skin and now we don't dream anymore
No, we don't dream anymore

Like a house made from spider webs and the clouds rolling in
I bet this mighty river's both my savior and my sin
Oh, my savior and my sin

Oh, I said I could rise
From the harness of our goals
Here come the tears
But like always, I let them go
Just let them go

Well I walk upon the river like it's easier than land
Evil's in my pocket and your strength is in my hand
Your strength is in my hand

And I'll throw you in the current that I stand upon so still
Love is all, from what I've heard, but my heart's learned to kill
Oh, mine has learned to kill

Oh, I said I could rise
From the harness of our goals
Here come the tears
But like always, I let them go
Just let them go

Rising from the harness of our goals is an interesting turn of phrase. As for me, I'm working on rising from the harness of my tight psoas and overstretched hamstring. It's painful, and it's not getting better. Wah!

Vintage

Heard this song on my way home from a post-defense of Ph.D. celebration tonight, and given the amount the new Dr. has taught me about love, it feels pretty perfect for marking this day:

I love you more today than I did yesterday
I will love you more tomorrow than I do today

You're timeless like an old stack of vinyl
Hundred year old bottle of wine-o
Love the classics but what do I know?
You're the pair of Chucks I never wanna take off
The beat the DJ can't help but drop
Your Mona Lisa makes my heart stop

You can call me old school but I like
Playing records I can hold in my hand
You can call me old fashioned if you wanna
But I wanna take you out to dance
Little baby

I love you more today than I did yesterday
I will love you more tomorrow than I do today

You're like Don Draper's Cadillac
A Hendrix solo through a Marshall stack
A polaroid nude, white & black
I want a vintage love that's never out of style
Like a kiss I can feel forever

You can call me old school
But I like to read a book that I can hold in my hand
You can call me old fashioned
But I like to hear my music on that FM band
Little baby

I love you more today than I did yesterday
I will love you more tomorrow than I do today

What about tomorrow?
It'll take care of itself
And what if it all goes to hell?
At least you won't be by yourself

I love you more today than I did yesterday
I will love you more tomorrow than I do today

Here's to finding one's tribe and feeling more love each day we get to spend here in Earth school!

Unsteady

This little guy is just five weeks old!

Today I had the delicious pleasure of visiting a lovely friend who recently had a baby and getting to snuggle with him for an hour or so.

There's just something about a newborn that's so magical -- and when I heard this song in the car on the way home -- I realized it was apropos of the little helpless creatures:

Hold, hold on, hold onto me
'Cause I'm a little unsteady
A little unsteady
Hold, hold on, hold onto me
'Cause I'm a little unsteady
A little unsteady

I was only too happy to hold onto him, as are his mama and papa. And although I cried as I talked to my friend about the part of my life when I thought I was going to get a do-over and then didn't, I mostly just felt really happy for her that she got to have the child she wanted.

My friend articulated the kind of man she sees for me, and she painted a beautiful picture of what would will be a very full life with another amazing human being. She also pointed out that this work I am doing on myself would've been impossible in a relationship, and I know she's right.

I have to admit I've felt a little precarious myself this week, what with my big job interview:

Hold, hold on, hold onto me
'Cause I'm a little unsteady
A little unsteady
Hold, hold on, hold onto me
'Cause I'm a little unsteady
A little unsteady

But I've also felt held by so many wonderful friends, colleagues and family members who are actively supporting me, not to mention the larger force for good.

As I said in yesterday's post, there is still sadness for me about the New Englander when I hear/read lyrics like this:

But if you love me, don't let go
If you love me, don't let go

But I know that he did what he could and that what he could do wasn't all that I wanted or needed.

I also know that the man who is gonna love me and not let me go is out there, and before too long he will:

Hold, hold on, hold onto me
'Cause I'm a little unsteady
A little unsteady
Hold, hold on, hold onto me
'Cause I'm a little unsteady
A little unsteady

And until that time comes, I've got friendship, family and faith to do it:

Hold, hold on, hold onto me
'Cause I'm a little unsteady
A little unsteady

Stand By You

Driving to practice this morning, I heard this song:

Hands, put your empty hands in mine
And scars, show me all the scars you hide
And hey, if your wings are broken
Please take mine so yours can open too
Cause I'm gonna stand by you
Oh, tears make kaleidoscopes in your eyes
And hurt, I know you're hurting, but so am I
And love, if your wings are broken
Borrow mine 'til yours can open too
Cause I'm gonna stand by you

And I especially loved the lines: if your wings are broken, borrow mine 'til yours can open too. I've seen, particularly through my work with Breathe for Change, that this is how it works. When we were debriefing on Friday, both the founder and I were in tears recalling how it was the support we lent each other back and forth that allowed us both to keep going and keep manifesting this dream which is the work we are now doing in schools.

There's still a part of me that isn't sure about this kind of love, the kind that feels like it really won't go away, the way so much of the love I've been offered and have received has done in my lifetime. But every day that I'm in this world of being seen and heard and supported, and I get to offer the same, I move a little bit closer to feeling like I can trust it:

Even if we're breaking down, we can find a way to break through
Even if we can't find heaven, I'll walk through Hell with you
Love, you're not alone, cause I'm gonna stand by you
Even if we can't find heaven, I'm gonna stand by you
Even if we can't find heaven, I'll walk through Hell with you
Love, you're not alone, cause I'm gonna stand by you

Yeah, you're all I never knew I needed
And the heart, sometimes it's unclear why it's beating
And love, if your wings are broken
We can brave through those emotions too
Cause I'm gonna stand by you
Oh, truth, I guess truth is what you believe in
And faith, I think faith is having a reason
Nah, nah, nah, love, if your wings are broken
Borrow mine 'til yours can open too
Cause I'm gonna stand by you

Now and Always

I decided to spend the day today the way I sometimes spent the day when I had a boyfriend: In bed for much of the day. I'm not going to pretend that it's the same by myself, but it's still pretty nice to just luxuriate in the not doing.

When I did finally get out of bed this afternoon, I turned on the ipod player in my room, and this song came on:

You're in my mind baby, now and always
You're in my mind baby, now and always
The road I'm walking might fall away
You're in my mind baby, now and always

I like David Gray, but my first impression was something along the lines of: "Really, Universe? Do you have to make this harder than it already is?"

And then off I went to hot yoga with my friend. Afterward, sitting in her car in my driveway, I told her what had transpired for me over the last couple of days, and out came the tears. No, it wasn't as hard as it used to be, but it's still hard to be confronted with the power of my relationship with the New Englander and be with the loss.

A bonfire smoking into a low sky
The sparks they fly up into a low sky
Would that these demons let me rest
They're with me Lord till the day that I die

My friend asked if that experience (which I described more in yesterday's post) made me distrust my body. Interesting question, and one that I have definitely grappled with over the last couple of years as I've coped with the loss of this love. The answer is no. My body being so sure about him just feels like a testament to all that was right about us. I can't help it if he couldn't prioritize us, show up, be vulnerable:

Ill wind that blows in from all directions
Ill wind that blows in from all directions
Hey, easy boy giving it all away
And nothing left for your own protection

That's out of my control. But the physical connection, and the love, those were and are real:

You're in my mind baby, now and always
You're in my mind baby, now and always
The road I'm walking might fall away
You're in my mind baby, now and always

But like the shift from bursting into tears at the sound of his voice to being pretty much ok with it, slowly but surely, I am healing. And I'm gaining the wisdom I need to make the right choice next time around...

Come On Over

I heard this song playing on a radio recently -- can't remember exactly where -- but I think it was in a store. Anyway, as I've mentioned before, I grew up idolizing Olivia Newton-John. I knew the words to all of her songs, I had her records (some were mine and some were my Mom's) and I used to set up a little stage in my room, complete with a spotlight -- and belt out her songs.

This one was, and still is, one of my favorites:

If my life gets like a jigsaw
With the pieces out of place
Come on over
Put a smile back on my face
And if all my bad days came at once
You would know just what to do
Come on over
Baby, you would see me through

And if you think I need you
Come on over
Bring your love around
You can dry away my tears
And if you think I need you
Come on over
Lay your body down
You know I will be here
So bring your love around

When I cannot see in front of me
And I know my darkest day (I always thought this line was and you know my dog is dead -- oops!)
Come on over
You can take it all away

And if you think I need you
Come on over
Bring your love around
You can wipe away my tears
And if you think I need you
Come on over
Lay your body down
You know I will be here
So bring your love around

I woke up with it in my head this morning, which feels appropriate because, while she didn't come on over (she lives in Colorado) -- I did get to connect with one of my closest friends last night -- and it felt awesome.

Thanks Universe, for delivering so immediately on my desire for intimacy. And now for someone local who can come on over...

If you think
If you think I need you
Come on over

Baby Love

My five month old baby love...

Yesterday I got to see not one but two of my baby loves:

Ooh baby love, my baby love

I need you, oh how I need you

But all you do is treat me bad

Break my heart and leave me sad

Tell me, what did I do wrong

To make you stay away so long

'Cause baby love, my baby love

Been missing ya, miss kissing ya

Instead of breaking up

Let's do some kissing and making up

Don't throw our love away

In my arms, why don't you stay?

Need ya, need ya

Baby love, ooh, baby love

Baby love, my baby love

Why must we seperate, my love

All of my whole life through

I never loved no one but you

Why you do me like you do?

I get this need

Ooh, ooh, need to hold you

And my just turned one year old baby love!

Once again, my love

Feel your warm embrace, my love

Don't throw our love away

Please don't do me this way

Not happy like I used to be

Loneliness has got the best of me

My love, my baby love

I need you, oh how I need you

Why you do me like you do

After I've been true to you

So deep in love with you

Baby, baby, ooh till it's hurtin' me

Till it's hurtin' me

Ooh, baby love

Don't throw our love away

Don't throw our love away

And of course, as if all that baby love wasn't enough to fill my heart to the brim, I got to hang out with each baby love's Mom, both of whom are wonderful friends.

Plus I got to talk to my babies on the phone from their Dad's house.

So, this Valentine's weekend, it may be cold outside, but my heart is warm and toasty, even without a man...

I Want A Love I Can See

I watched a lovely movie tonight, The Soloist. It's about showing up for your people (and all the other things listed below in the labels), and that message really resonates for me right now as I observe the people in my life who show up for me and those who don't.

One of the songs from the soundtrack is this one, which also really resonated tonight:

I want a love I can see. (Ah-Pow-Pow)
That's the only kind that means a thing to me. (Ah-Pow-Pow)
Don't want a love you have to tell me about. (Ah-Pow-Pow)
That kind of loving I can sure do without. (I can sure do without)

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

I want a love I can feel. (Doo-Doo)
That's the only kind of loving I think it's real. (Doo-Doo)
Don't want to be quoted by something I heard now. (Doo-Doo)
'Cause baby action speaks louder than words. (Ah, louder than words)

Yeah, yeah, yeah

I want a love that's mine. (I want a love, that's mine)
In the rain or in sun, sun, sunshine. (I want a love, that's mine)
A love to keep warm when it's cold. (I want a love, that's mine)
The kind of love that will never grow old. (Never grow old)

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, oh-uh-huh

(Don't you know I want a love)
(Why don't you know I want a love)
(Why don't you know I want a love)

Yeah, yeah, yeah

Want a love I can see. (I wanna love I can see)
The kind of love you can give to me. (Give to me)
The kind of kisses to make, make me melt. (Ooo, make me melt)
The kind of love that can really be felt, now. (Really be felt)

Yeah, yeah, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby... I
Yeah, I want her love now.
The kind of love that can be felt.
Uh-huh. Yeah

I've learned that I'm now fully capable of giving the kind of love that can be felt. For my next trick, I'm going to figure out the receiving of that kind of love...

Dearly Departed

Life's just easier when the sun shines for this girl

Yesterday was a tough day. It started off well enough -- practicing yoga with one of my favorite practice partners. But then it devolved into a visit to the dermatologist, which, as per usual, resulted in a biopsy, this time from the top of my forehead. If you look closely in the photo, you can see the spot -- not as well as you could have seen it yesterday, mind you, when my Dr. clearly marked it, like a bullseye, with a bright blue marker.

Then in the afternoon, I had the distinct honor of visiting my dentist for a crown repair. This morning a friend left me a voicemail telling me that "applying a growth mindset, it was actually smart to get those both out of the way in the same day." Mmmmaybe, but it didn't feel good. I guess growth kinda doesn't though, does it?

In any case, after those two encounters, I crawled into bed for a nap, which, on such a cold day, was delightful. And I probably would've stayed there, right up until it was time to get up for yoga at 4:30 this morning, except that I had to give a guest lecture last night. That's right, with a bullseye on my forehead. I also had to meet the professor, who is also a friend and colleague, for dinner beforehand. So up I rose, and it's probably a good thing I did, because this morning when I got to work, I had an email from one of the students thanking me for the "heartfelt, inspiring" presentation and asking me to consider running for State Superintendent. Which, I gotta say, made me feel pretty great.

That email was just one of the pieces of love I received today -- I think in part because I had a moment yesterday when I kinda cried out to whoever was listening: "Really? This is what you've got for me? One hit after another? No breaks?"

Another piece of love was a text from a close friend asking how things were going and saying she was thinking of me. Another was a phone call from a friend and colleague on his drive to work this morning. And another was a text from another friend, one I'd confided in earlier in the week, saying she was thinking of me and giving me the link to this song:

Oooooh
Oooooh
Oooooh
Oooooh

Well
You and I both know that the house is haunted
And you and I both know that the ghost is me
You used to catch me in your bed sheets just rattlin your chains
Well back then baby, it didn't seem so strange

Even when one is dead and gone (or, say, once again living in New England)
It still takes two to make a house a home
Well I'm as lonesome as the catacombs
I hear you call my name but no one is there
Except a feeling in the air

You and I both know that the house is haunted
Yeah you and I both know that the ghost is you
Used to walk around screaming, all slamming all 'dem doors
Well I'm all grown up now, I don't scare easy no more

Yeah, you and I both know
Oooohh
Yeah, you and I both know
Oooohh
Yeah, you and I both know
Oooohh
Oooohh

Yeah, you and I both know. But it's ok. Really. I asked my first love how long it took him to get over his biggest heartbreak -- and he said at least 2 years. So I'm doing ok. By one measure -- when the New Englander left Madison -- it's been 18 months, but by another -- the last time we communicated -- it's been a week. In either case, I've got time. It's ok that the house still feels haunted today. I can handle it, and I trust that one day it won't.

Overall, I gotta say, today was soooo much easier than yesterday. Today I had a lovely early morning practice with another favorite yoga buddy followed by breakfast from one of my favorite spots -- Lazy Jane's. Then work for a few hours, followed by a haircut and brow wax (note the after photo above), more work, then acupuncture, then parent teacher conferences for my son. Who is seriously rocking high school.

Yep, lots to celebrate. And lots of love.

On a more somber note, it feels apropos that this song is marking this day not just because my friend sent it to me, but because another friend's husband's mother died today. I'm sending out lots of love to her and her family and everyone else out there with a dearly departed loved one -- whether the departure is permanent or not -- I know it hurts like crazy...

Let Her Go

Earlier this week, I had some old heartbreak arise. It's a loss I feel like I've processed over and over again, and although the space between those processing times has lengthened over the years, the force of the grief really hasn't changed a whole lot. I guess I find that a little frustrating and I started to wonder if maybe there was something I was missing.

When I'm feeling like that, I like to talk to friends about what I'm going through and then listen to what they say and see if it rings true for me. So I tried talking to a couple of friends about what had come up, which is basically being confronted again with being treated as if you are dead to someone to whom you were once close even though you're still very much alive. One friend told me she thought it was just up for the healing, suggesting that since I've continued to evolve, maybe the me that I am now will be able to process the loss in a different way than the me I was the last time it came up.

Maybe, I said, but I'm not sure this is ever really going to heal. I think maybe it's just going to remain part of me, kind of like my first love says the loss of me is for him, like a bullet lodged in his chest, not threatening to take away his life but always there as a reminder of what isn't. Ok, so that sounds morbid and depressing and he said it a long time ago and probably doesn't even feel like that anymore, but it's illustrative nonetheless.

The other friend said the opposite. She said not to give up on this person just because she'd given up on our friendship. To keep trying. And that didn't sound right to me either, because it wasn't me who closed the door on our friendship, so it doesn't make sense to me that I should be the one to try to open it.

So then I talked to the bodyworker I saw on Tuesday morning about it, and he validated that neither of those felt right to me and put his usual wise words to the in-between space in which I found myself, suggesting I acknowledge the pain, how easy it is for human beings to hurt each other and then operate from that space of hurt instead of a space of love, and acknowledge my vulnerability. And that's it. There's no fix. Just acknowledgement.

I felt a whole lot better walking out of there than I did walking in, as I always do, but it surprised me a little that the wisdom this time seemed so basic. I guess that's because it is basic -- with love comes loss -- and it's our efforts to try to have it some other way that are convoluted.

I'm not positive, but I think maybe this is the reason why, when I woke up this morning, it was this song playing on the internal ipod:

Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you’re missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go

And for my money, the two verses with the most to say about love and loss are this one:

You see her when you close your eyes
Maybe one day you'll understand why
Everything you touch surely dies

And this one:

Staring at the ceiling in the dark
Same old empty feeling in your heart
'Cause love comes slow and it goes so fast

As for the question posed here:

And you let her go (oh, oh, ooh, oh no)
And you let her go (oh, oh, ooh, oh no)
Will you let her go?

I'll try. A little bit more every time this old wound comes up...