No One's Gonna Love You

This morning on my bike ride to work -- on yet another breathtakingly beautiful Fall morning -- this song started playing in my head:

It's looking like a limb torn off
Or altogether just taken apart
We're reeling through an endless fall
We are the ever-living ghost of what once was

But no one is ever gonna love you more than I do
No one's gonna love you more than I do

And anything to make you smile
It is my better side of you to admire
But they should never take so long
Just to be over then back to another one

But no one is ever gonna love you more than I do
No one's gonna love you more than I do

Maybe it's because Band of Horses is playing at the Orpheum this weekend, but I reckon it is more likely because I once said something similar to the New Englander before he left. I didn't quite say no one's gonna love you more than I do, but I did say: "If anyone ever loves you again the way I love you, do us all a favor, and don't walk away from it." And I remember him tearfully replying in the affirmative.

Back in March, I wrote him a letter saying that I didn't want to be in contact with him unless he decided that he is all in, in a way beyond the extent he was in before: Ready to be vulnerable.

Then last week Monday, I went to a Reiki session, in which I set the intention to open to the support that is available to me. (I've been feeling pretty alone with some challenging parenting and life stuff.) The next day, I got an email from the New Englander, which turned into another email, and a letter, all of which added up to him being all in, wanting to get back together, wanting to come back.

I cried when I read them (big shocker) -- partly with relief that what I knew to be true had been confirmed -- and partly with fear of opening myself up to the potential for the kind of heartbreak I experienced before:

But someone,
They could have warned you
When things start splitting at the seams and now
The whole thing's tumbling down
Things start splitting at the seams and now
If things start splitting at the seams and now,
It's tumbling down
Hard.

So hard. I don't have to make a decision today, so I won't. I'm just going to sit with the mix of knowledge that the two of us share a powerful love and there were some major ways in which it didn't work before -- what is there to suggest it would be different this time? I'm still gathering evidence on that, while listening to my heart:

But no one is ever gonna love you more than I do
No one's gonna love you more than I do

...which is one hell of a lot...

Love Is All

This morning I debated about whether to ride my bike because it was cloudy but decided to chance it. I rode to my friend's house to carpool to practice and soon after we got inside it started pouring. Lucky for me, she was willing and able to drop me at Colectivo on State so I didn't have to arrive at work soaking wet -- and I was able to stay at the coffee shop and work. I was super grateful.

In the car, my friend played this beautiful number for me by a band I hadn't heard before:

Well I walk upon the river like it's easier than land
Evil's in my pocket and your will is in my hand
Oh, your will is in my hand

And I'll throw it in the current that I stand upon so still
Love is all, from what I've heard, but my heart's learned to kill
Oh, mine has learned to kill

Oh, I said I could rise
From the harness of our goals
Here come the tears
But like always, I let them go
Just let them go

And now spikes will keep on falling from the heavens to the floor
The future was our skin and now we don't dream anymore
No, we don't dream anymore

Like a house made from spider webs and the clouds rolling in
I bet this mighty river's both my savior and my sin
Oh, my savior and my sin

Oh, I said I could rise
From the harness of our goals
Here come the tears
But like always, I let them go
Just let them go

Well I walk upon the river like it's easier than land
Evil's in my pocket and your strength is in my hand
Your strength is in my hand

And I'll throw you in the current that I stand upon so still
Love is all, from what I've heard, but my heart's learned to kill
Oh, mine has learned to kill

Oh, I said I could rise
From the harness of our goals
Here come the tears
But like always, I let them go
Just let them go

Rising from the harness of our goals is an interesting turn of phrase. As for me, I'm working on rising from the harness of my tight psoas and overstretched hamstring. It's painful, and it's not getting better. Wah!

River

My practice has been challenging lately, but I keep getting the message, from multiple sources, that pain is not necessarily a bad thing:

-Guruji, the founder of Ashtanga yoga, used to say without pain there is no yoga.

-My note from the Universe today said something similar:

Where there is pain, there will be strength.

Where there is sadness, there will be wisdom.

And where there is fear, Sarah, there will be renewal.

But sometimes, what one needs to keep living with the pain (even if it will one day lead to strength), is support.

So tonight, after a long day, I managed to make it to yoga with one of my favorite sources of support.

This song was on his playlist tonight:

Out across cities I see buildings burn into piles
And watch the world in wonder as mountains turn into tiles
And trees losing their leaves and faces becoming tired
I wish I could discover something that doesn't expire
Come and stumble me

Take me river carry me far
Lead me river like a mother
Take me over to some other unknown
Pull me in the undertow

Such are the things that make a kingdom rumble and shatter
The same dynamic that another day would never matter
It really just depends on who's giving and who's receiving
And things that don't make sense are always a little deceiving.
Come and humble me

Take me river carry me far
Lead me river like a mother
Take me over to some other unknown
Pull me in the undertow

I wanna go where you're going
A follower following
Changing but never changed
Claiming but never claimed

Take me river carry me far
Lead me river like a mother
Take me over to some other unknown
Pull me in the undertow

Yep, sometimes, we all need to be carried, even if only metaphorically...

Changes

I went to the gym today, not just to teach yoga, which I love doing, but also to hit the treadmill. Reluctantly. I don't know what's going on with me this year, but I just don't feel like riding my bike in the bitter cold. I don't feel much like running in it, either, but I do feel like eating, so I can't really afford to give up exercising.

As I was winding down my miles on the treadmill, this song came over the speakers at the gym:

I feel unhappy
I feel so sad
I've lost the best friend
That I ever had
He was my dad
I loved him so
But it's too late now
I let him go
I'm going through changes
I'm going through changes

I love this song. I love how young Ozzy is, and I love how it reminds me of my love of Ozzy. That's right my friends, I had an Ozzy poster as a freshman in the dorms at UW-Madison. I only wish I had a photo to prove it.

This song also reminds me of my days in another dorm, my junior year, in England. I had a very good friend that year who was a huge fan of rockers like Ozzy and David Lee Roth, and he indulged my love of their softer side. I came to find out this indulgence was due to his crush on me -- which I didn't learn about until I had already gotten off with one of his mates from school. At that point in my life, I just wasn't able to pick up on subtlety, though part of me wished I had when I heard this song blaring from my friend's room in the middle of the day in our dormitory:

We shared each day
In love together
We found a way
But soon the world
Had its evil way
My heart was blinded
Love went astray
I'm going through changes
I'm going through changes
It took so long
To realize
That I can still hear
his last goodbye
Now all my days
Are filled with tears
Wish I could go back
And change those years
I'm going through changes
I'm going through changes

Oh well. I reckon we would have both done things differently if we could go back and change those years. He would have been more forthcoming about his affections, and I would have chosen my nice, attentive friend rather than his brooding, aloof mate. But we can't go back, we can only live and learn!

Dearly Departed

Life's just easier when the sun shines for this girl

Yesterday was a tough day. It started off well enough -- practicing yoga with one of my favorite practice partners. But then it devolved into a visit to the dermatologist, which, as per usual, resulted in a biopsy, this time from the top of my forehead. If you look closely in the photo, you can see the spot -- not as well as you could have seen it yesterday, mind you, when my Dr. clearly marked it, like a bullseye, with a bright blue marker.

Then in the afternoon, I had the distinct honor of visiting my dentist for a crown repair. This morning a friend left me a voicemail telling me that "applying a growth mindset, it was actually smart to get those both out of the way in the same day." Mmmmaybe, but it didn't feel good. I guess growth kinda doesn't though, does it?

In any case, after those two encounters, I crawled into bed for a nap, which, on such a cold day, was delightful. And I probably would've stayed there, right up until it was time to get up for yoga at 4:30 this morning, except that I had to give a guest lecture last night. That's right, with a bullseye on my forehead. I also had to meet the professor, who is also a friend and colleague, for dinner beforehand. So up I rose, and it's probably a good thing I did, because this morning when I got to work, I had an email from one of the students thanking me for the "heartfelt, inspiring" presentation and asking me to consider running for State Superintendent. Which, I gotta say, made me feel pretty great.

That email was just one of the pieces of love I received today -- I think in part because I had a moment yesterday when I kinda cried out to whoever was listening: "Really? This is what you've got for me? One hit after another? No breaks?"

Another piece of love was a text from a close friend asking how things were going and saying she was thinking of me. Another was a phone call from a friend and colleague on his drive to work this morning. And another was a text from another friend, one I'd confided in earlier in the week, saying she was thinking of me and giving me the link to this song:

Oooooh
Oooooh
Oooooh
Oooooh

Well
You and I both know that the house is haunted
And you and I both know that the ghost is me
You used to catch me in your bed sheets just rattlin your chains
Well back then baby, it didn't seem so strange

Even when one is dead and gone (or, say, once again living in New England)
It still takes two to make a house a home
Well I'm as lonesome as the catacombs
I hear you call my name but no one is there
Except a feeling in the air

You and I both know that the house is haunted
Yeah you and I both know that the ghost is you
Used to walk around screaming, all slamming all 'dem doors
Well I'm all grown up now, I don't scare easy no more

Yeah, you and I both know
Oooohh
Yeah, you and I both know
Oooohh
Yeah, you and I both know
Oooohh
Oooohh

Yeah, you and I both know. But it's ok. Really. I asked my first love how long it took him to get over his biggest heartbreak -- and he said at least 2 years. So I'm doing ok. By one measure -- when the New Englander left Madison -- it's been 18 months, but by another -- the last time we communicated -- it's been a week. In either case, I've got time. It's ok that the house still feels haunted today. I can handle it, and I trust that one day it won't.

Overall, I gotta say, today was soooo much easier than yesterday. Today I had a lovely early morning practice with another favorite yoga buddy followed by breakfast from one of my favorite spots -- Lazy Jane's. Then work for a few hours, followed by a haircut and brow wax (note the after photo above), more work, then acupuncture, then parent teacher conferences for my son. Who is seriously rocking high school.

Yep, lots to celebrate. And lots of love.

On a more somber note, it feels apropos that this song is marking this day not just because my friend sent it to me, but because another friend's husband's mother died today. I'm sending out lots of love to her and her family and everyone else out there with a dearly departed loved one -- whether the departure is permanent or not -- I know it hurts like crazy...