River

My practice has been challenging lately, but I keep getting the message, from multiple sources, that pain is not necessarily a bad thing:

-Guruji, the founder of Ashtanga yoga, used to say without pain there is no yoga.

-My note from the Universe today said something similar:

Where there is pain, there will be strength.

Where there is sadness, there will be wisdom.

And where there is fear, Sarah, there will be renewal.

But sometimes, what one needs to keep living with the pain (even if it will one day lead to strength), is support.

So tonight, after a long day, I managed to make it to yoga with one of my favorite sources of support.

This song was on his playlist tonight:

Out across cities I see buildings burn into piles
And watch the world in wonder as mountains turn into tiles
And trees losing their leaves and faces becoming tired
I wish I could discover something that doesn't expire
Come and stumble me

Take me river carry me far
Lead me river like a mother
Take me over to some other unknown
Pull me in the undertow

Such are the things that make a kingdom rumble and shatter
The same dynamic that another day would never matter
It really just depends on who's giving and who's receiving
And things that don't make sense are always a little deceiving.
Come and humble me

Take me river carry me far
Lead me river like a mother
Take me over to some other unknown
Pull me in the undertow

I wanna go where you're going
A follower following
Changing but never changed
Claiming but never claimed

Take me river carry me far
Lead me river like a mother
Take me over to some other unknown
Pull me in the undertow

Yep, sometimes, we all need to be carried, even if only metaphorically...

Father and Son

Part of the Breathe for Change Family at Concert on the Square

Tonight a group of us from my yoga teacher training went to Concerts on the Square.

We couldn't actually hear the music, but that was fine with me -- I'd had this song playing on repeat on the inner jukebox all day long -- and it's such a classic:

Father
It's not time to make a change,
Just relax, take it easy.
You're still young, that's your fault,
There's so much you have to know.
Find a girl, settle down,
If you want you can marry.
Look at me, I am old, but I'm happy.

Now I don't exactly understand why it's his fault that he's young, and I'm not exactly old, but I am older than most of the people I was hanging out with tonight:

I was once like you are now, and I know that it's not easy,
To be calm when you've found something going on.
But take your time, think a lot,
Why, think of everything you've got.
For you will still be here tomorrow, but your dreams may not.

And that's ok -- that's part of how I am able to mentor some of them over these two plus weeks that we have together.

I think I'll play a little Cat Stevens when I'm teaching tomorrow, too, this voice just transports me -- we'll see if that feeling holds for the younger generation:

Son
How can I try to explain, when I do he turns away again.
It's always been the same, same old story.
From the moment I could talk I was ordered to listen.
Now there's a way and I know that I have to go away.
I know I have to go.

Father
It's not time to make a change,
Just sit down, take it slowly.
You're still young, that's your fault,
There's so much you have to go through.
Find a girl, settle down,
if you want you can marry.
Look at me, I am old, but I'm happy.

Son
All the times that I cried, keeping all the things I knew inside,
It's hard, but it's harder to ignore it.
If they were right, I'd agree, but it's them you know not me.
Now there's a way and I know that I have to go away.
I know I have to go.

I've made it clear to everyone in the training that I no longer keep things I know inside. It's no way to live. Every day I'm taking another step into my truth, and I'm so grateful to have so many awesome people to walk beside me...

All I Want Is You

I was the only one in the office today, so I put on a little music to keep me company. Hearing this song was like hearing from an old friend:

You say you want diamonds on a ring of gold
You say you want your story to remain untold

But all the promises we made
From the cradle to the grave
When all I want is you

You say you'll give me a highway with no one on it
A treasure just to look upon it
All the riches in the night

You say you'll give me eyes in a world of blindness
A river in a time of dryness
A harbour in the tempest

But all the promises we make
From the cradle to the grave
When all I want is you

You say you want your love to work out right
To last with me through the night

You say you want diamonds on a ring of gold
Your story to remain untold
Your love not to grow cold

All the promises we break
From the cradle to the grave
When all I want is you

What an amazing song. I was talking today to a friend about how amazingly strong the fixation on wanting to be with someone can be when we're in the midst of it. It feels like it is worth any price, and it can cause us to do things we might not otherwise imagine ourselves doing. It's difficult, when you're in it, to get much perspective on it, and up until sometime this fall, I was definitely in it:

You
All I want is...you
All I want is...you
All I want is...you

These last six months, I was given a choice: use my broken heart to become bitter and closed, or allow it to open me, to teach me, to ask what's next for me to learn. I chose the latter, and I managed to reach a space where I honestly don't know who I want, because I just want to be with the person who is most able to help me be the best version of myself I can be. I don't know now, but I do trust that it will be revealed before too long...

Don't Dream It's Over

I've been marveling lately at how much more freedom I feel in my life, and while doing so today, this song floated into my head:

There is freedom within, there is freedom without
Try to catch the deluge in a paper cup
There's a battle ahead, many battles are lost
But you'll never see the end of the road
While you're traveling with me

Hey now, hey now, don't dream it's over...

When the man I'd had my heart, mind, body and soul set on for three years moved away this summer, I couldn't, wouldn't dream it was over, and yet, another part of me knew it was. I hated succumbing to the grief. I did not want to let him go. But I also knew instinctually that I would grow if I did, that I'd become more fully the person I was always meant to be, if I could just stop putting up so much resistance.

And I'm proud to say I have. Put up less resistance, grown, and in the process gained more freedom than I've ever known before. I'm just not held back by the things that used to bog me down -- fear about money, the need to keep my family at arm's length, fear about being alone, fear that if I didn't look a certain way or weigh a certain amount, I wouldn't be loved -- that's all gone, or mostly gone, thanks to just letting go of what was in my way.

It's not all sunshine and roses. I also had to let go of something and someone I dearly loved. I've spent a lot of time alone. I've run a lot of miles. I've practiced a lot of yoga. I've been to a lot of therapy and bodywork appointments. But it's working:

Now I'm walking again to the beat of a drum
And I'm counting the steps to the door of your heart
Only the shadows ahead barely clearing the roof
Get to know the feeling of liberation and relief

I do indeed know the feeling of liberation and relief. And I know loss of a different magnitude than I've experienced in the past. I know this will make me a better mother, a better friend, a better yoga teacher -- maybe it'll even help me become the writer I've always known I am.

I don't know what's next for me. But I know it's gonna be good...