Room at the End of the World

I love Easter. I love the story of the resurrection and the rebirth. Every year it seems to come right when I need it most, and this year is no exception. I may have said this before -- because God knows I've known intellectually for years that I needed to let go of the past -- but I feel ready now. I feel like I have what I need to really do it this time -- strength, support, acceptance, peace.

I went to church this morning -- an essential part of the Easter experience for me and the only day of the year I feel compelled to return to the Episcopalian part of my roots -- which was a satisfying experience on a lot of levels.

I particularly liked this prayer:

"Call us to our mission. Give us insight to know it and power to do it."

Right? So important to have both in all things we try to do in this life, from letting go of a relationship that is no longer serving you to finding fulfilling work.

On the way home from church I heard this song, which also seems to be about beginnings and endings:

If the sun don't light
and the night won't turn
we'll get a room at the end of the world
and we'll rewrite all the wrongs we've learned
safe in our room at the end of the world

These streets are haunted
with ghosts who wait on luck to come
sleep with hornets
and they wonder why they wake up stung

Sad can't catch me
call me baby now
when it's all I use to believe

One heart is never enough alone
one heart is never enough alone

It's true. Good thing this heart is far from alone and ready to be reborn with someone new...

Life After You

Yesterday something shifted inside me. It's something that has been shifting for a long time, but there was a finality yesterday, a willingness to let go, that I haven't felt before.

It was in some ways a continuation of what I wrote about a couple of days ago -- the rewriting of many, many love songs I hear all the time about NOT letting go when heartbroken about a lost love. They've been my theme song for a long time now, and it's time for that to change.

I think a bunch of things have kept me from moving on, some of which are:

1) A feeling that it's up to me to care for the New Englander, and if I don't do it, no one else will. This is of course the deeply flawed logic of the heart talking, especially since me caring for him didn't change his deep emotional wounds before and it isn't going to work now. I know that he needs to care for himself, and call on his own higher power, and I know now that I can hand that off to my idea of a higher power and greatly increase the odds that he will heal for reals.

2) A feeling that I don't want anything I say or do to deter him from potentially coming back/us getting back together someday. I finally realized that if that were to happen, it would not have anything to do with anything that I am, do or say, and everything to do with his own sense of wholeness, personal agency and worthiness. I don't have that much control, and I'm ready to let go of the thought that I need to do anything, or stop doing anything, in order for that to happen. If it happens, it won't be because of me or my actions, but because things have changed on his end.

3) I just really f*#%ing love him.

Nothing I can do about that last one, and it's time for me to accept that loving him does not mean we'll ever get back together any more than it precludes me from loving someone else.

This year, starting on this first day of the third month, I begin life after the New Englander. It's time. I need to let in all the love around me and stop living in the past.

So Daughtry, while your song title is apropos, I gotta beg to differ with the lyrics of the song I'm choosing to mark this day:

Ten miles from town and I just broke down
Spittin' out smoke on the side of the road
I'm out here alone just tryin' to get home
To tell you I was wrong but you already know
Believe me I won't stop at nothin'
To see you so I've started runnin'

All that I'm after is a life full of laughter
As long as I'm laughing with you
I'm thinkin' that all that still matters is love ever after
After the life we've been through
'Cause I know there's no life after you

Yessir, I'm after a life full of laughter, but I no longer think it has to be with a particular person. I'm leaving it wide open now, which I have a funny feeling is going to lead to a much more satisfying outcome.

That's right, Universe, I know there IS life after him.

All that I'm after is a life full of laughter
Without you God knows what I'd do

Truer words were never spoken/written: Only god knows what I'd do without him, but I am looking forward to being let in on the secret and I am ready for life after him to begin!

Nobody Does It Better

Love the first trip to picnic point of the "Spring"!

As I prepared for my run today, I decided to take my phone so I could listen to music. I've been either running without it or running with a friend lately, but when I turned on Slacker I got super excited when the song that was cued up was one of my all time faves, Total Eclipse of the Heart. I belted out the lyrics as I ran down the street - I'm sure the neighbors thought I'd lost it.

I just assumed I'd already blogged about that song, but it seems I haven't. Still, I'm going to save it for another time, because the song that came on after it made me realize that I was listening to some sort of love songs countdown, which maybe wasn't really the thing for the first 55 degree run to picnic point and back of the season, which, while muddy, was at least not ice-covered or inaccessible.

But as the love songs continued to play, one after the other, I decided to rewrite them, starting with this one from Carly Simon:

Nobody does it better
Makes me feel sad for the rest
Nobody does it half as good as you
Baby, you're the best

Someone must do it better, I reasoned, because I'm not with the person that did it twice as good as anyone else I've ever known, so that just has to mean that someone who does it even better is out there:

And nobody does it better
Though sometimes I wish someone could
Nobody does it quite the way you do
Why'd you have to be so good?

I gotta admit, the question that makes up the last line of that last verse is a question I've asked myself. After all, being with the New Englander absolutely ruined casual sex for me, which means it has been 19 months since I've had a shag.

But long dry spell notwithstanding, I know why he had to be so good: To teach me how good it can be.

And now that I know, and I'm ready to stop grieving and start living, I'll recognize the magic when I feel it again:

The way that you hold me whenever you hold me
There's some kind of magic inside you
That keeps me from runnin', but just keep it comin'
How'd you learn to do the things you do?

Except this time, it'll be with someone who wants to be my partner just as much as I want to be his. Someone who isn't afraid to be vulnerable. Someone who really, truly, is the best for me, not just what I thought at the time had to be right because it felt so damn good:

And nobody does it better
Makes me feel sad for the rest
Nobody does it half as good as you
Baby, baby, darling, you're the best

Sorry Carly, but I beg to differ -- someone must do it better -- and I can't wait to meet him!

Everything Will Be Alright

Ok so this song is kinda creepy, but its title and refrain are my mantra today:

Everything will be alright
Everything will be alright
Everything will be alright
Everything will be alright
Everything will be alright
Everything will be alright

And here's why: I didn't get the job. It's disappointing for a number of reasons -- I was excited about the possibilities, I was excited about returning to campus -- but I also have to believe that it wasn't the right job for me, otherwise I would have gotten it.

It still feels like there are many possibilities, when it comes to both career and lovelife, I just don't know what they are or what they look like. But you know what that means, days fans: I'm pregnant with possibility. Yup.

And although most of the lyrics to this song are too weird to speak to this, these two lines are an exception:

And baby doll, I meant it every time
You don't need to compromise

Thanks guys, I agree. I sure don't.

'Cause as you said:

Everything will be alright
Everything will be alright
Everything will be alright
Everything will be alright
Everything will be alright
Everything will be alright
Will be alright...

Unsteady

This little guy is just five weeks old!

Today I had the delicious pleasure of visiting a lovely friend who recently had a baby and getting to snuggle with him for an hour or so.

There's just something about a newborn that's so magical -- and when I heard this song in the car on the way home -- I realized it was apropos of the little helpless creatures:

Hold, hold on, hold onto me
'Cause I'm a little unsteady
A little unsteady
Hold, hold on, hold onto me
'Cause I'm a little unsteady
A little unsteady

I was only too happy to hold onto him, as are his mama and papa. And although I cried as I talked to my friend about the part of my life when I thought I was going to get a do-over and then didn't, I mostly just felt really happy for her that she got to have the child she wanted.

My friend articulated the kind of man she sees for me, and she painted a beautiful picture of what would will be a very full life with another amazing human being. She also pointed out that this work I am doing on myself would've been impossible in a relationship, and I know she's right.

I have to admit I've felt a little precarious myself this week, what with my big job interview:

Hold, hold on, hold onto me
'Cause I'm a little unsteady
A little unsteady
Hold, hold on, hold onto me
'Cause I'm a little unsteady
A little unsteady

But I've also felt held by so many wonderful friends, colleagues and family members who are actively supporting me, not to mention the larger force for good.

As I said in yesterday's post, there is still sadness for me about the New Englander when I hear/read lyrics like this:

But if you love me, don't let go
If you love me, don't let go

But I know that he did what he could and that what he could do wasn't all that I wanted or needed.

I also know that the man who is gonna love me and not let me go is out there, and before too long he will:

Hold, hold on, hold onto me
'Cause I'm a little unsteady
A little unsteady
Hold, hold on, hold onto me
'Cause I'm a little unsteady
A little unsteady

And until that time comes, I've got friendship, family and faith to do it:

Hold, hold on, hold onto me
'Cause I'm a little unsteady
A little unsteady

The Search is Over

Lately I've been getting lucky on finding favorite oldies on the radio -- yesterday I heard Straight from the Heart by Bryan Adams about which I've already blogged -- hearing it now made me cry thinking about how straight from the heart I used to get it from the New Englander.

It may be that there will always be an element of sadness to that loss, but there is also a LOT more peace. I'm at the point where I really believe that we both did what we could and that just didn't add up to a long-term partnership.

Today in the car, it was this classic song that had me cranking it up and singing along:

How can I convince you
What you see is real
Who am I to blame you
For doubting what you feel

I was always reachin'
You were just a girl I knew
I took for granted
The friend I had in you

I was living for a dream
Loving for a moment
Taking on the world
That was just my style
Now I look into your eyes
I can see forever
The search is over
You were with me all the while

And in some ways, the search is over -- me feeling like I need to do something or say something or be something or have something or weigh something in order to find a man -- that search is most definitely over. I no longer feel like I need to look for it -- I can let it find me.

It helps, I reckon, that some questions of the heart have been answered, and I'm still here to tell about it:

Can we last forever
Will we fall apart
At times it's so confusing
The questions of the heart

No, we can't last forever, New Englander, and yes, we did fall apart. And that sucked, for a while, but it also ultimately led me to where I am now, feeling happier, freer and more grounded than I've ever felt in my life. I recognize now that although we really loved each other, neither of us was able to patiently wait or follow one another through changes:

You followed me through changes
And patiently you'd wait
'Till I came to my senses through
Some miracle of fate

I was living for a dream
Loving for a moment
Taking on the world
That was just my style
Now I look into your eyes
I can see forever
The search is over
You were with me all the while

And I know that, as it did for Survivor, my luck will eventually strike like lightning from the blue:

Now the miles stretch out behind me
Loves that I have lost
Broken hearts lie, victims of the game
Then good luck, it finally struck
Like lighting from the blue
Every highway's leading me back to you

But this time, the highway will not lead to a dead end. It'll lead to something more like this:

Now at last I hold you
Now all is said and done
The search has come full circle
Our destinies are one...

Take Me To Church

This song came to me in the wee hours. It was the chorus I heard -- I actually thought it was Elton John when I heard it this morning, but when I got up I realized it was decidedly NOT Elton John:

My lover's got humour
She's the giggle at a funeral
Knows everybody's disapproval
I should've worshipped her sooner

If the heavens ever did speak
She's the last true mouthpiece
Every Sunday's getting more bleak
A fresh poison each week

'We were born sick, ' you heard them say it

My Church offers no absolutes
She tells me, 'Worship in the bedroom.'
The only heaven I'll be sent to
Is when I'm alone with you—

I was born sick,
But I love it
Command me to be well
Amen. Amen. Amen. Amen.

I love the way he sings amen. Here comes the Elton John like part:

Take me to church
I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies
I'll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife
Offer me that deathless death
Good God, let me give you my life

If I'm a pagan of the good times
My lover's the sunlight
To keep the Goddess on my side
She demands a sacrifice

Drain the whole sea
Get something shiny
Something meaty for the main course
That's a fine looking high horse
What you got in the stable?
We've a lot of starving faithful

That looks tasty
That looks plenty
This is hungry work

Take me to church
I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies
I'll tell you my sins so you can sharpen your knife
Offer me my deathless death
Good God, let me give you my life

No Masters or Kings
When the Ritual begins
There is no sweeter innocence than our gentle sin

In the madness and soil of that sad earthly scene
Only then I am Human
Only then I am Clean
Amen. Amen. Amen. Amen.

A lot of times I know what the message is when I wake up with a song in my head. Or at least, I figure out when I read the lyrics. This time, I'm really not sure. Did I worship like a dog at the shrine of someone's lies? Maybe. Kinda. Sorta? Or is it suggesting I turn control of my life over to the God of my understanding? I dunno.

Take me to church
I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies
I'll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife
Offer me that deathless death
Good God, let me give you my life

I do know that today I didn't feel nearly as upbeat as I did yesterday and the day before that, but when I was talking to my friend tonight I told her that I have faith that I am going to get through this grieving process. I'm gonna come out the other side. I have no doubt about this now. And that's something, even if it was hard to drag my ass out of the house to go to a party tonight. Fake it 'til you make it. That's what I have to keep doing, and having faith that eventually it's going to lead somewhere good helps even on the rough days...

All the World (I Tell Myself)

This afternoon I met a friend at a coffee shop at her request. Things have been up and down with her boyfriend for a while, but the story she had for me was so much worse than anything resembling a typical up or down. Basically, her boyfriend was still sleeping with and texting his "ex" the entire time they were together. Which was three years! She was with a man living a lie for three years. Earth-shattering.

As I said to her, these are the times in life when we understand the Buddhist teaching that the only certainty is death. Other human beings are just not something about which we can ever truly be certain, and there's probably no harder realization to come to in this crazy world. Of course, you can learn, as I know my friend will and I hope I am, to stack the deck in your favor next time rather than trying to play a hand that something inside you knows isn't a winner, but there are still no guarantees.

This song was from the episode of Grey's Anatomy that I watched tonight, and it seems to be about the search for meaning that can sometimes be so obvious and other times so obscured:

Say that I'm changed, say I'm different
Maybe I'll finally understand
Say I'll let go, say it's obvious
Oh, I tell myself over, over and over again

I'm ready, I'm ready
I'm ready to believe

So tell me I'm strong, tell me I'm weak
Tell me I'll never, ever bend
Then tell me I'm fire, tell me I'm cold
Cold oh, I tell myself over, over and over again

I'm ready, I'm ready
I'm ready to believe

And all the world can watch the choices you make
All the world can watch each tiny mistake
Let the world watch to let the world wait for you

So tell me I'm wrong, or tell me I'm cruel
Tell me I'd fight, yeah tell me I fought for the wrong things

But I'm ready, I'm ready
I'm ready to believe
I'm ready, I'm ready
I'm ready to believe

Picture of a Tree That Doesn't Look Okay

Today my kids and I went to our first ever bar mitzvah. It was lovely -- such a beautiful ceremony. Such a celebration of tradition, of prayer, of family, of love. It was incredible to witness our young friend become a man in the eyes of the Torah -- and, leading the service, he did seem pretty darn grown up.

I'm not going to have an easy time explaining today's song selection, but I'll give it my best shot. I stumbled on this song today, having never heard it before. When I went to look up the lyrics, I found that, like the bar mitzvah I attended, its format is different from what I'm used to, but its themes, and its questions, they are all too familiar:

Do you think the landlord's pissed? We left a car parked on the lawn again. He's looking. The porch is still and empty. We wrote our friends names on the walls inside. They're laughing. We know that this isn't home for long. The posters in your bedroom speak softly. They tell stories. So while the weather's getting worse we take shelter in these walls again and tell stories. So where did you live and what did you learn there? We watch the fallen leaves turn to frozen trees, it's been another year. Where do the echoes from the echoes go? Where does the water flow when it leaves our homes. I've been searching for this, something that I can run away with. It's a life changing decision. Should I leave or try to beat this? (I know it gets harder everyday. But the dawn will fade and our skin will flake away.) Where do the echoes from the echoes go? Where does the water flow once it leaves our homes. Live wires are like this. They hit the streets and form a beacon. It's a danger we've been warned, but we still stretch and try to reach them. Watching our planet grow on screens I spoke into a window sill and still forgot everything and it spoke back. A thousand frozen trees but still there's something burning. (I will stare while you are growing. Come with me to empty places.) They are filled with everything. Where do the pieces of our dreams recede? Into eyes shut that are opening. I never have ever decided what to think of all the years I spent in Connecticut. (Whenever, if ever I get my life together I'll apologize for all the things I should have said) So beat on the bass drum, make all the spiders run. We threw rocks at the house and it looked back. (and done. Another day lost to the setting sun. I stare at the ceiling and it looks back.)

Standing in that synagogue today, I felt, not first the first time, that I would've liked to have been Jewish, or even to have converted. But for whatever reason (quite likely because my Dad is an atheist), I haven't ever had a partner who is a person of religious faith, even if I did have one who was technically Jewish. True, I could convert on my own, but my reason for wanting to become part of something older and bigger (like Judaism) than me is to have something to help hold my family, and ideally, I'd like to have my partner be a part of whatever that is.

Watching today how being a Jew helped hold the family celebrating their son's bar mitzvah, I wondered anew what's holding mine, and hoped whatever it is, it is as strong, wise, and good a container as the one I witnessed today.

While I figure that out, I'm going to borrow this prayer that I jotted down during the ceremony today:

We pray that we may live
not by our fears but by our hopes
not by our words but by our deeds