Smooth Operator

It was a glorious, Spring-like day again today, so I celebrated in one of my favorite fashions: I did the 8-mile run from my house to picnic point and back. When I started out, I knew it was much farther than I've been running this winter, so my thought was to take it easy. But the first mile felt good, and wound up being pretty good time, so I decided to try to stick with that pace.

It always feels so great, that first run out to picnic point in the "Spring" - it's a reclamation of sorts.

Soon after I got back, I got myself ready for hot yoga. I knew it was ambitious to do them back-to-back, but I was feeling energized by the warmer weather. It wasn't easy, but I made it through the whole practice, and as usual, there was a reward at the end: the teacher singing to us in savasana.

Today's song was an old fave:

Diamond life lover boy
He moves in space with minimum waste and maximum joy
City lights and business nights
When you require streetcar desire for higher heights
No place for beginners or sensitive hearts
Sentiment is left to chance
No place to be ending but somewhere to start

No need to ask
He's a smooth operator
Smooth operator

Coast-to-coast, L.A. to Chicago: Western male
Across the North and South, to Key Largo: love for sale

Face-to-face, each a classic case
We shadow box and double-cross
Yet need the chase
A license to love, insurance to hold
Melts all your memories and change into gold
His eyes are like angels'; his heart is cold

No need to ask
He's a smooth operator
Smooth operator

That he is!

For the Longest Time

Heard this song on my run around the Arboretum yesterday:

Woah, oh, oh
For the longest time
Woah, oh, oh
For the longest
If you said goodbye to me tonight
There would still be music left to write
What else could I do
I'm so inspired by you
That hasn't happened for the longest time

And that last line, in particular really resonated.

It has been such a long time:

Once I thought my innocence was gone
Now I know that happiness goes on
That's where you found me
When you put your arms around me
I haven't been there for the longest time

Woah, oh, oh
For the longest time
Woah, oh, oh
For the longest
I'm that voice you're hearing in the hall
And the greatest miracle of all
Is how I need you
And how you needed me too
That hasn't happened for the longest time

No, it hasn't.

Time to press the reset button Universe, and let it happen again:

Maybe this won't last very long
But you feel so right
And I could be wrong
Maybe I've been hoping too hard
But I've gone this far
And it's more than I hoped for

Yes please.

Send me someone who feels so right, someone who is more than I hoped for:

Who knows how much further we'll go on
Maybe I'll be sorry when you're gone
I'll take my chances
I forgot how nice romance is
I haven't been there for the longest time
I had second thoughts at the start
I said to myself
Hold on to your heart
Now I know the woman that you are
You're wonderful so far
And it's more than I hoped for

I don't care what consequence it brings
I have been a fool for lesser things
I want you so bad
I think you ought to know that
I intend to hold you for
The longest time

Yes I do, whoever you are!

Nobody Does It Better

Love the first trip to picnic point of the "Spring"!

As I prepared for my run today, I decided to take my phone so I could listen to music. I've been either running without it or running with a friend lately, but when I turned on Slacker I got super excited when the song that was cued up was one of my all time faves, Total Eclipse of the Heart. I belted out the lyrics as I ran down the street - I'm sure the neighbors thought I'd lost it.

I just assumed I'd already blogged about that song, but it seems I haven't. Still, I'm going to save it for another time, because the song that came on after it made me realize that I was listening to some sort of love songs countdown, which maybe wasn't really the thing for the first 55 degree run to picnic point and back of the season, which, while muddy, was at least not ice-covered or inaccessible.

But as the love songs continued to play, one after the other, I decided to rewrite them, starting with this one from Carly Simon:

Nobody does it better
Makes me feel sad for the rest
Nobody does it half as good as you
Baby, you're the best

Someone must do it better, I reasoned, because I'm not with the person that did it twice as good as anyone else I've ever known, so that just has to mean that someone who does it even better is out there:

And nobody does it better
Though sometimes I wish someone could
Nobody does it quite the way you do
Why'd you have to be so good?

I gotta admit, the question that makes up the last line of that last verse is a question I've asked myself. After all, being with the New Englander absolutely ruined casual sex for me, which means it has been 19 months since I've had a shag.

But long dry spell notwithstanding, I know why he had to be so good: To teach me how good it can be.

And now that I know, and I'm ready to stop grieving and start living, I'll recognize the magic when I feel it again:

The way that you hold me whenever you hold me
There's some kind of magic inside you
That keeps me from runnin', but just keep it comin'
How'd you learn to do the things you do?

Except this time, it'll be with someone who wants to be my partner just as much as I want to be his. Someone who isn't afraid to be vulnerable. Someone who really, truly, is the best for me, not just what I thought at the time had to be right because it felt so damn good:

And nobody does it better
Makes me feel sad for the rest
Nobody does it half as good as you
Baby, baby, darling, you're the best

Sorry Carly, but I beg to differ -- someone must do it better -- and I can't wait to meet him!

Be As You Are

Cheers to our favorite Cabernet lover!

This year my extended family had our usual Thanksgiving celebration at my Uncle's farm on Friday rather than Thursday.

My son and I had already had one (huge, delicious!) Thanksgiving dinner with friends yesterday, so I was extra intent on getting my usual run in even though it was such a cold, blustery day.

My usual run is from the farm to the cemetery where my friend is buried, a friend who was married to my cousin when she died at age 37.

I always get something from visiting that place, and this time it was a mixture of forgiveness, the importance of choosing to love, and a deep understanding that so often the things in life that are most challenging are the most satisfying.

After dinner we played games, as usual, and my sister and Aunt and other family members always like to enjoy some wine together. I don't usually join, but when I heard that the bottle they opened was one that my late friend had brought to the farm (at least six years ago), I knew that I had to at least have a sip.

A bit later, one of my cousins was reminiscing about my wedding in St. John, and he played this song for me on his phone:

Man, I could use a Pina Colada
Little bit of sun on my skin
A hammock, a book
Never gonna look back
Once my feet hit the sand
I've had it up to here with this rat race
Need a smile on my face

...which mentions a bar where he and my other cousin hung out while we were down there:

I want to go where I can lighten up the load
Drive a little while on the wrong side of the road
Get this laying low off to a flying start
Play my guitar in the Caribbean sun
Hang with the locals at the Quiet Mon
Where you can be a tourist, a beach bum, or a star
And be as you are

St. John is certainly an incredible place:

Gettin' stuck sure would be easy
In this palm tree paradise
Ambition fades with every wave
For the finer things in life
Maybe I'll just hang around here
Go home later next year

But I felt pretty darn grateful to be right where I was today, in the midst of my family, all of us imperfect humans, doing our best to love each other. And I could feel the love, more than usual, and so could my kids.

A happy thanksgiving indeed!

Open Your Heart

Today was another amazing day as you can see by the incredible blue of the sky behind me -- wow!

It was also amazing in that it involved lots of time outside, heart to hearts with colleagues, a 5 1/2 mile run, a yoga class and a delicious dinner with friends.

One of the subjects of conversation on the run and at dinner was a mutual friend who is going through a divorce and not having an easy time of it. God knows I've been there, and it isn't easy to watch from the sidelines and be supportive but not too involved, especially since I just happen to be warm for this particular divorcee's form.

There's just so many different feelings to deal with when a marriage unravels, and I think it's completely normal to put your heart on lockdown while going through it.

Sing it Human League:

And when it hurts you know they love to tell you
How they warned you
They say "Don't be surprised at someone's lies"
They think they taunt you
But if you can stand the test
You know your worst is better than their best
And so you stand here with the years ahead
Potentially calling
With open heart or with a spirit dead
You walk on

Lies the reason
Faith or treason
Playing a part
End concealing
Try revealing
Open your heart

Dare to feel
Take the chance
Make the deal
Being an island
Shying from trying
Seems the easy way
Such an easy way
But there's no future without tears

Lies the reason
Faith or treason
Playing a part
End concealing
Try revealing
Open your heart

But if you can stand the test
You know your worst is better than their best

Lies the reason
Faith or treason
Playing a part
End concealing
Try revealing
Open your heart

But as for me, my heart is more open than it's probably ever been before, and I just know I'm going to encounter another open heart attached to an attractive package before too long!

One Last Breath

This has been such a phenomenally gorgeous summer. Lovely and warm, but not hot. Cool nights that are great for sleeping. It's been magical.

This week though, probably appropriately since it is, after all, August, it actually did get hot. As I prepared to pick up my two-nights-overnight river camper, I pondered whether I had time to run around the lake as well as whether it was wise on such a hot day.

My son really didn't want to go on this two-night river excursion, and I talked to him about how I felt it was important he go anyway so that he would know he could do it and feel a sense of personal agency. As I pondered how to use the hour before I needed to pick him up, I decide to practice what I preach and go for this run even if it was gonna kind of suck because it was so hot.

And it kind of did, but I made it, and I even ran faster than the last few times I've done the same 6 mile loop.

That made me feel great -- and songs like this one kept me going:

Please come now I think I'm falling
I'm holding on to all I think is safe
It seems I found the road to nowhere
And I'm trying to escape
I yelled back when I heard thunder
But I'm down to one last breath
And with it let me say
Let me say

Hold me now
I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking
maybe six feet
Ain't so far down

I'm looking down now that it's over
Reflecting on all of my mistakes
I thought I found the road to somewhere
Somewhere in His grace
I cried out heaven save me
But I'm down to one last breath
And with it let me say
Let me say

Hold me now
I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking
maybe six feet
Ain't so far down

Sad eyes follow me
But I still believe there's something left for me
So please come stay with me
'Cause I still believe there's something left for you and me
For you and me
For you and me

Hold me now
I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking
maybe six feet
Ain't so far down

Please come now I think I'm falling
I'm holding on to all I think is safe

Actually, Creed, I'm trying not to hold on too tight to anything. And I'm finding, for the most part, that I'm not falling, and I don't need anyone to catch me...

Santeria

Somewhat inexplicably, I woke up early this morning, and this song was going through my head:

All I really want to know
I already know
All I really want to say
I can't define
It's love that I need
But my soul will have to wait till I get back and find
Heina of my own
Daddy's gonna love one and all
I feel the break, feel the break, feel the break and I got to live it out, oh yeah

This place was flower and bunny heaven!

I worked on my book this morning when I woke up, and the song came just sort of popped into my head. Maybe to remind me that I know all I need to know to write it?

I swear that I all really want to know
All I really want to say is I got mine and I make it
That love make it go, my soul will have to wait

And maybe a little you-can't-hurry-love message thrown in? I can always use that reminder. This was definitely a take-it-easy, do-what-I-please kind of weekend, and today ended up involving a run through Owen Park and a night out at a new restaurant with an old friend.

What I really want know, ah baby
What I really want to say is there's just one way back
And I'll make it, yeah, my soul will have to wait

I'll make it alright. And while my soul may have to wait for full satisfaction on every level, it's pretty darn content right where it is...

Drive

Tonight, for the first time in about a year, I decided to run around the Arboretum. I remember when 6 miles was no big deal -- last spring and summer I was doing two 6-8 mile runs/week. And then something happened. Right before I went to Maine, my body just said no. No more running. You're not going to do this right now. So I listened. I stopped. I ran like a mile when I was in Maine and then I just really stopped.

Since then, I've dabbled a bit in coming back to running. This Spring I ran with a yoga friend who was pretty out of shape, so we ran slowly and the longest run was 4 miles. When I was at the cabin last week, I ran around the lake a couple of times, which is 3 miles.

Mostly I've been riding my bike and practicing yoga. And that has felt like enough -- sometimes throwing in a little mountain biking.

But tonight, when my daughter asked if we could drive (rather than ride as we usually do) to soccer practice and my son was at a friend's house, I decided to run one of my old loops. And for the most part, it felt good!

This was one of the many songs I enjoyed on Slacker while I ran, and it pretty well captures how I am feeling these days in my life:

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes, yeah
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there, I'll be there

So if I decide to waiver my chance to be one of the hive
Will I choose water over wine and hold my own and drive, oh oh
It's driven me before, and it seems to be the way
That everyone else gets around
Lately, I'm beginning to find that when I drive myself, my light is found

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes, yeah
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there, I'll be there

Would you choose water over wine... hold the wheel and drive?

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes, yeah
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there, I'll be there

The Sound of Music

I didn't watch the Oscars, but I did hear that Lady Gaga performed songs from my favorite musical, The Sound of Music:

The hills are alive with the sound of music
With songs they have sung for a thousand years
The hills fill my heart with the sound of music
My heart wants to sing every song it hears

My heart wants to beat like the wings of the birds
That rise from the lake to the trees
My heart wants to sigh like a chime
That flies from a church on a breeze

To laugh like a brook when it trips
And falls over stones on its way
To sing through the night
Like a lark who is learning to pray

It's starting to get to that point in the winter when I'd do just about anything to be galavanting like Julie Andrews in warm weather when everything is green again. Alas, this morning when I got up it was -8, and by the time I went out for my run I think it was up to 4 degrees above zero. I hadn't run in a while, and I have to say that there were parts of it that were absolutely miserable: wind ripping right through my clothes, making me wonder what I was doing out there.

But there were also times when, protected from the wind and bathed in sunshine, it felt amazing to be out there, and at that moment I felt not unlike Julie Andrews sings about feeling in Austria:

I go to the hills when my heart is lonely
I know I will hear what I've heard before
My heart will be blessed with the sound of music
And I'll sing once more

I noted after I was done, too, that I felt measurably happier. It feels like it is going to take some time to fully recover from what I've been living with for the past several weeks, but I'm going to get there...

Machine Head

I didn't trust my phone to continuously play music on a long run in Michigan, so I went without. One of the things I like about doing that is that it leaves more space for my inner jukebox to play the tunes it feels like playing, and on today's run, it was this song, over and over again:

Breathe in breathe out

Tied to a wheel fingers got to feel

Bleeding through a tourniquet smile

I spin on a whim slide to the right

I felt you like electric light

For our love

For our fear

For our rise against the years and years and years

Got a machinehead better than the rest 

Green to red machinehead

I walk from my machine

I walk from my machine

Deaf dumb and thirty

Starting to deserve this

Leaning on my conscience wall

Blood is like wine

Unconscious all the time

If I had it all again

I'd change it all

Probably because I needed reminders to breathe this week, but it also made me think about the possibility of using music in my yoga teaching. I think I'll start making some playlists if I can figure out how...

In God's Country

I had a great week of practice this week, but because I was also responsible for getting my kids to camp four of the five days, it was a week of very early mornings. I kept finding that I would get really tired at 7pm, but by the time 10pm rolled around and my kids were finally in bed, I'd get a second wind and would be unable to fall asleep quickly. By Thursday night, when my kids were at their Dad's, I told myself I'd just go to sleep whenever I got tired, which happened to be 6:30pm. I was awake for an hour in the middle of the night, but all told by the time my alarm went off I'd gotten 11 hours of sleep!

As a result, I felt like a million bucks today. My practice felt easy and my Arboretum loop was the second fastest I've done -- not because I needed to be somewhere like the fasted one -- but because I felt like running fast.

When I heard this song on my run, a number of parts spoke to me, starting with the first line of this verse:

Sleep comes like a drug
In God's Country
Sad eyes, crooked crosses
In God's Country, yeah, yeah

Set me alight
We'll punch a hole right through the night
Everyday the dreamers die
See what's on the other side

And then there's the first two lines of this verse, which have always been my favorite:

She is liberty
And she comes to rescue me
Hope, faith, her vanity
The greatest gift is gold

This has been such a gorgeous summer in Madison -- the most beautiful I can remember. And running through the Arb -- well, it does feel like God's country:

Sleep comes like a drug
In God's Country
Sad eyes, crooked crosses
In God's Country, yeah

But I'm gonna have to part ways with Bono on the last verse, because I don't feel burned by the fire of love -- I just feel warmed by it:

Naked flame
She stands with a naked flame
I stand with the sons of Cain
Burned by the fire of love
Burned by the fire of love

Running Against the Wind

One of my dinner guests -- love that baby time!

I had tentative plans to run with a friend this morning, but when I didn't hear back from her, I decided to sleep in. As a result, my whole day happened later than normal: Breakfast at 10am, long run at 1pm, lunch at 4:30, dinner at 8pm. Sometimes it feels good to do that.

I must've needed the sleep, because I finally started tackling some of the things I've been meaning to do around the house, which felt good.

I had to sort of force myself both to do my long run and to do my yoga practice, but both ended up feeling really good. Slacker kept quitting on my phone while I was running, which was super annoying, but luckily my internal jukebox was cranking them out.

I ran from my house to picnic point and back, which I haven't done in a while, but at 7.5 miles, it's just a little bit farther than the run I have been doing from the Capitol to Picnic Point and back. When I turned off the trail that goes to the Point, I started running against the wind, and Bob Seger wasted no time getting started with playing this song in my head:

It seems like yesterday
But it was long ago
Janey was lovely, she was the queen of my nights
There in the darkness with the radio playlng low
And the secrets that we shared
The mountains that we moved
Caught like a wildfire out of control
Till there was nothing left to burn and nothing left to prove

And I remember what she said to me
How she swore that it never would end
I remember how she held me oh so tight
Wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then

Against the wind
We were runnin' against the wind
We were young and strong, we were runnin'
Against the wind

I found myself wondering if running against the wind is meant to indicate not going with the flow/being out of sync, or if it just means sometimes you're going to find yourself in a position against the wind, and when you do, it's best to keep running:

And the years rolled slowly past
And I found myself alone
Surrounded by strangers I thought were my friends
I found myself further and further from my home
And I guess I lost my way
There were oh so many roads
I was living to run and running to live
Never worried about paying or even how much I owed
Moving eight miles a minute for months at a time
Breaking all of the rules that would bend
I began to find myself searchin'
Searchin' for shelter again and again
Against the wind
A little something against the wind
I found myself seeking shelter against the wind

Well those drifters days are past me now
I've got so much more to think about
Deadlines and commitments
What to leave in, what to leave out

Against the wind
I'm still runnin' against the wind
I'm older now but still running
Against the wind
Well I'm older now and still running
Against the wind

I don't know for sure how Bob meant it, but I know that I too am older now, and I'm still running. And yeah, sometimes that means running against the wind, literally and figuratively...

Your Body is a Wonderland

It was hot and humid today, but after briefly considering running inside and then going to a fitness class I decided to take my regular 7 miler outside. The hot weather is just part of the experience, I told myself. And it wasn't so bad. I decided to listen to another Slacker countdown -- the top 44 love songs of all time -- which for starters let me just say is a misnomer for many of the songs on this list.

Including this one, which the countdown hosts said was written by John Mayer at age 14 about his girlfriend at the time. 14? Are you kidding me? I have a 14 year old. I can't imagine that someone wrote a song like this when he was that young. I was in my 20s when I first heard the expression room for two:

We got the afternoon
You got this room for two
One thing I've left to do
Discover me
Discovering you

One mile to every inch of
Your skin like porcelain
One pair of candy lips and
Your bubblegum tongue

And if you want love
We'll make it
Swim in a deep sea
Of blankets
Take all your big plans
And break 'em
This is bound to be a while

Your body is a wonderland
Your body is a wonder (I'll use my hands)
Your body is a wonderland

I like to think I have a little more time before the body being a wonderland becomes part of my children's world -- but maybe I have less time than I think!

Same Love

Today was such a gorgeous day. Sunny but cool -- perfect running weather. So I decided to do one of my faves -- the Capitol to Picnic Point and back. My slacker choice turned out to be an inspired one -- the 66 songs that changed everything. I didn't get through all 66 -- but this song was one of them:

When I was in the third grade I thought that I was gay,
'Cause I could draw, my uncle was, and I kept my room straight.
I told my mom, tears rushing down my face
She's like "Ben you've loved girls since before pre-k, trippin'."
Yeah, I guess she had a point, didn't she?
Bunch of stereotypes all in my head.
I remember doing the math like, "Yeah, I'm good at little league."
A preconceived idea of what it all meant
For those that liked the same sex
Had the characteristics
The right wing conservatives think it's a decision
And you can be cured with some treatment and religion
Man-made rewiring of a predisposition
Playing God, aw nah here we go
America the brave still fears what we don't know
And "God loves all his children" is somehow forgotten
But we paraphrase a book written thirty-five-hundred years ago
I don't know

I'd heard the song before, and liked it, but mainly knew the chorus:

And I can't change
Even if I tried
Even if I wanted to
And I can't change
Even if I tried
Even if I wanted to
My love
My love
My love
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm

And because I mainly knew the chorus, I didn't know specifically to what it was referring:

If I was gay, I would think hip-hop hates me
Have you read the YouTube comments lately?
"Man, that's gay" gets dropped on the daily
We become so numb to what we're saying
A culture founded from oppression
Yet we don't have acceptance for 'em
Call each other faggots behind the keys of a message board
A word rooted in hate, yet our genre still ignores it
Gay is synonymous with the lesser
It's the same hate that's caused wars from religion
Gender to skin color, the complexion of your pigment
The same fight that led people to walk outs and sit ins
It's human rights for everybody, there is no difference!
Live on and be yourself
When I was at church they taught me something else
If you preach hate at the service those words aren't anointed
That holy water that you soak in has been poisoned
When everyone else is more comfortable remaining voiceless
Rather than fighting for humans that have had their rights stolen
I might not be the same, but that's not important
No freedom 'til we're equal, damn right I support it

But now that I do, I can't think of a more appropriate song to mark this day, for two reasons:

The first reason is that one week ago today, a judge opened the door to same sex marriage in Wisconsin, setting off a flurry of marriage licenses and weddings that may or may not be in legal limbo (depending on who you ask). In any event, it is no longer a question of whether Wisconsin will join the list of states that admits that love is the same whether it is a man and a woman or two men or two women, it's just a question of when it will be 100% officially legal:

(I don't know)

And I can't change
Even if I tried
Even if I wanted to
My love
My love
My love
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm

We press play, don't press pause
Progress, march on
With the veil over our eyes
We turn our back on the cause
'Til the day that my uncles can be united by law
When kids are walking 'round the hallway plagued by pain in their heart
A world so hateful some would rather die than be who they are
And a certificate on paper isn't gonna solve it all
But it's a damn good place to start
No law is gonna change us
We have to change us
Whatever God you believe in
We come from the same one
Strip away the fear
Underneath it's all the same love
About time that we raised up... sex

And I can't change
Even if I tried
Even if I wanted to
And I can't change
Even if I tried
Even if I wanted to
My love
My love
My love
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm

The second reason is that I'm back to really feeling the love today -- from my kids, from myself -- in a way that lets me know that the same love I felt when I had a man next to me keeping me warm is the love that I'm feeling now:

Love is patient
Love is kind
Love is patient
Love is kind
(not crying on Sundays)
Love is patient
(not crying on Sundays)
Love is kind
(I'm not crying on Sundays)
Love is patient
(not crying on Sundays)
Love is kind
(I'm not crying on Sundays)
Love is patient
(not crying on Sundays)
Love is kind
(I'm not crying on Sundays)
Love is patient
Love is kind

Lust for Life

I had a great yoga practice this morning. It feels so different than it did before last weekend's workshop. I feel different, too. Better. Lighter.

I had so much fun teaching my yoga class today at noon. Sharing what I learned. But after work today -- the last few weeks I've been doing the 7 miler to picnic point and back on Tuesdays -- I wasn't sure I wanted to run. The beauty of not being in training for a particular race is that I have the freedom and flexibility to listen to my body and make a decision about whether I want to run. A yoga teacher once told me that it's important to know if your body is saying no or your mind, since sometimes the mind is the culprit.

I finally decided to go, and in the end, I was glad I did.

Particularly when this song came on:

I've got a lust for life (oooh)
Got a lust for life (oooh)
Oh, a lust for life (oooh)
Oh, a lust for life (oooh)
A lust for life (oooh)
I got a lust for life (oooh)
Got a lust for life

Yes my friends, I do have a lust for life. Always have, but it was buried under some hard stuff for what feels like a long time. Might be too early to say, but it feels like it's back, and maybe even bigger than ever...

Survivor

This morning on my run around the Arboretum, I wasn't feeling strong. I wasn't feeling energetic. I decided to listen to Alternative Workout to see if that would help, but it didn't do too much.

A couple of miles into it, I passed a woman who I could tell was doing the same loop. She didn't look like she was doing too well, and I found myself judging her for looking like she was struggling. Fast forward another mile, and the same woman passed me!

"Oh no you don't." I thought to myself. "Whatever you've got in that tank of yours, I guarantee you I've got more." And I sped up, passed her, and kept running at a much faster pace than I had been.

I know this scene isn't particularly pretty, and I'm not proud of the judgment. But I was glad to get in touch with my inner strength. I'm gonna need it as I head into yoga weekend number two. I'm sure more openings -- not all of them comfortable -- are coming.

I do have an incredible well of strength. I also have an incredible inner juke box -- so sure of what it wants to hear that during my run it played a song in my head even as my headphones were filled with another one:

I'm a survivor (What?)
I'm not gon give up (What?)
I'm not gon stop (What?)
I'm gon work harder (What?)
I'm a survivor (What?)
I'm gonna make it (What?)
I will survive (What?)
Keep on survivin' (What?)

I am a survivor. And while it doesn't feel great that life feels more like surviving than easy living this week, I'd rather be a survivor than the alternative...

I'm a survivor (What?)
I'm not gon give up (What?)
I'm not gon stop (What?)
I'm gon work harder (What?)
I'm a survivor (What?)
I'm gonna make it (What?)
I will survive (What?)
Keep on survivin' (What?)

Say You Say Me

The forecast for today was scattered thunderstorms. It's true. I knew that. But I still rode my bike to work, and after work I headed out the door from the gym downtown to do my 7 mile loop to picnic point and back, headphones on, phone strapped to my arm.

The bike ride went fine, but about a mile into my run, it started to absolutely pour. I darted into the Campus Inn, which I was luckily right near when the rain started. I asked the young woman at the desk if she would mind if I left my phone there while I ran because I knew (from experience) that it would get ruined if I took it with me in the torrential downpour. She kindly agreed, and as I went to unstrap it, the headphones came out and Slacker 80s hits starting playing out loud in the lobby.

That's right.

We're talking Lionel Richie here:

Say you, say me
Say it for always, that's the way it should be
Say you, say me
Say it together, naturally

I had to laugh, because it probably isn't super common to run to the tune of cheesy 80s ballads. What can I say?

They move me:

As we go down life's lonesome highway
Seems the hardest thing to do is to find a friend or two
A helping hand - some one who understands
That when you feel you've lost your way
You've got some one there to say I'll show you

Say you, say me
Say it for always, that's the way it should be
Say you, say me
Say it together, naturally

So you think you know the answers - oh no
'cause the whole world has got you dancing
That's right - I'm telling you
It's time to start believing - oh yes
Believe in who you are - you are a shining star

Thanks Lionel. I like to think so. I took in so much water on that run that my feet kept making noises like there was someone right on my heels. Nope. Just me. Running in the pouring rain. Without Lionel to keep me company.

But after the rain passed, I was both rewarded with a rainbow and able to retrieve my phone. Not quite what I planned, but a pretty awesome experience nonetheless.

Kinda like my life as a whole...

Beautiful Day

Springtime at the Capitol!

I've been keeping up with my daily gratitude journal, and I'm happy to report that each day I find more for which to be grateful.

This morning started off cloudy and looking like it might rain, but after my 5-minute morning meditation, I pedaled over to the studio for my morning practice. I arrived with a whole hour in which to practice, which had been my goal after the weekend. The practice felt great, and when I saw my old teacher at the end of it (he was coming in to teach his class), he commented on how bright-eyed we Ashtangis were.

I am feeling much brighter eyed after this weekend. As painful as it was, I think it did a lot for me. After work today I went for a 7-mile run out to Picnic Point and back to the Capitol, and my body felt really strong and limber. (During my last long run I kept having to stop and stretch because my hip and leg were bothering me.) Who knew that sitting still and feeling my feelings could loosen me up where yoga could not?

This beautiful day turned out to be sunny and 80 degrees -- one of those Wisco spring days that feels like summer came overnight. When I got done with my run, I walked over to Collectivo to get myself a chocolate milk -- the perfect recovery drink -- and on my way back to the gym for a shower, I saw a woman photographing the tulips on the Capitol lawn. I've seen people doing this many times this Spring, but until today, I wasn't moved to take one of my own (see photo).

I'm super happy with the way the photo turned out, and how well it dovetails with the song I've chosen to mark this day:

The heart is a bloom
Shoots up through the stony ground
There's no room
No space to rent in this town

It's a beautiful day
Sky falls, you feel like
It's a beautiful day
Don't let it get away

Yes Bono, it is a beautiful day, and I'm in such a good space to appreciate it. I'm going to try not to cling to it, though -- that was the lesson in the guided meditation I went to this evening on my way home. (My old yoga teacher started a group a year or two ago which I've known about but until now I had not been inspired to attend.)

And I do love this town:

You love this town
Even if that doesn't ring true
You've been all over
And it's been all over you

I feel so fortunate to live in a house I love, to practice yoga in a studio I love, to work in a beautiful building, to have my gym as a home base for showers after exercising outdoors, to have such a scenic run just down the street from my work, to live in such a bike friendly place and own such an Archie-friendly bike.

Oh yes, and so glad it is finally warm outside!

It's a beautiful day
Don't let it get away
It's a beautiful day

Touch me
Take me to that other place
Reach me
I know I'm not a hopeless case

I sure do know that. And I'm trusting that going about my daily life and feeling gratitude is going to bring me most of what I want and all of what I need:

What you don't have you don't need it now
What you don't know you can feel it somehow
What you don't have you don't need it now
Don't need it now
Was a beautiful day

Glory of Love

This morning I ran around the Arboretum (6 mile loop) before heading to a yoga class. I'm loving my new Slacker station of choice, 80s hits. I heard so many great tunes while I was running, many of which lifted my spirits, including this one:

Tonight it's very clear
'Cause we're both lying here
There's so many things I wanna say
I will always love you
I would never leave you alone

Sometimes I just forget
Say things I might regret
It breaks my heart to see you crying
I don't wanna lose you
I could never make it alone

I am a man who will fight for your honor
I'll be the hero you're dreaming of
We'll live forever
Knowing together
That we did it all for the glory of love

How can the song from the second Karate Kid movie (I used to diggg Ralph Macchio) not make one smile?

But then, about 3 miles in, an 80s hit came on that sparked a memory (one I conveniently have a blog post about since I marked the day with the song, Sister Christian) that nearly doubled me over with grief. Sobbing and running are not easy to do at the same time, but that's what I did. And it was hard, really hard, but I let myself feel it, and it passed.

Tonight I had a tune-up with one of my pit crew and I told her the story of my breakup. I told her I had been struggling a little bit with feelings of shame about the lengths to which I was willing to go. "Yes!" she assured me. "Because you loved! That's something to be celebrated -- that you are willing to go the distance for love."

Like my Sister Christian-induced crying jag, having her tell me that made me feel better. Of course I was willing to do just about anything. I loved him!

We'll live forever
Knowing together
That we did it all for the glory of love
We did it all for love...

Why Don't You Get a Job

Today was a beautiful spring day, and my daughter was gone all afternoon on a playdate. So when my son and I headed out to soccer game number two of the weekend, I decided to take advantage of the beautiful day and opportunity for release by taking a run during my son's 30-minute pre-game warmup.

What a good idea. I think my legs are officially fully recovered from last weekend now, and when this song came up on Slacker during my run, I couldn't help but smile:

My friend's got a girlfriend
Man he hates that bitch
He tells me every day
He says "man I really gotta lose my chick
In the worst kind of way"

She sits on her ass
He works his hands to the bone
To give her money every payday
But she wants more dinero just to stay at home
Well my friend
You gotta say

I won't pay, I won't pay ya, no way
na-na, Why don't you get a job?
Say no way, say no way ya, no way
na-na, why don't you get a job?

I guess all his money, well it isn't enough
To keep her bill collectors at bay
I guess all his money, well it isn't enough
Cause that girl's got expensive taste

I won't pay, I won't pay ya, no way
na-na, Why don't you get a job?
Say no way, say no way ya, no way
na-na, why don't you get a job?

Well I guess it ain't easy doing nothing at all
But hey man free rides just don't come along
every day

Let me tell you about my other friend now

My friend's got a boyfriend, man she hates that dick
She tells me every day
He wants more dinero just to stay at home
Well my friend
You gotta say

I won't pay, I won't pay ya, no way
na-na, Why don't you get a job?
Say no way, say no way ya, no way
na-na, why don't you get a job?

I won't give you no money, I always pay
na-na, Why don't you get a job?
Say no way, say no way ya, no way
na-na, Why don't you get a job?

Thanks, The Offspring, for helping lighten my load so I could better enjoy my offspring this evening...