Sea Fog

The beloved firstborn on the day of departure

This summer was a lot of things. It was awesome having my son home from college in Seattle. The weather, for the most part, was glorious, and we had an amazing family adventure.

It also included a big loss, when The New Englander and I broke up, and now I'm faced with another one: My son heading back to school.

I don't know if it will ever get easier to leave his company. It's just such a nice place to be, and it doesn't help that I am ready to make my cross-country move too. Only, I'm not. I've got two more years here.

So I took myself to hot yoga yesterday afternoon, for the first time in a long time, and this was the song the teacher sang to us in savasana:

The sun bleeds in, hear the magpie sing for sorrow
It makes things better
Maybe we'll get to spread our wings tomorrow
If luck will let us

Can anyone fly into these grey skies?
Is there somewhere I'm meant to be

Off he goes!

Sea fog comes, like a river rolls a stone
It's rolling me

I missed my turn in the dark
I hear your voice
It makes things easy
I strayed too far from the road
Wish you could always make things easy

And I won't fight through the rising tide
If that’s the way it has to be

Sea fog comes, like a river rolls a stone
It's rolling me
Sea fog comes, like a river rolls a stone
It's rolling me

Sea fog rolling
Sea fog rolling
Sea fog rolling

Which felt apropos for today in a couple of ways -- my son is indeed spreading his wings today, and he's headed back to the land where sea fog rolling is a daily occurrence rather than an obscure reference in a song lyric...

The River

Panorama of the Mississippi River as seen from my friend's Dad's boat

When I told my friend about my breakup, she decided that a trip to Iowa and a stay at her parent's home on the Mississippi River would be just what the Dr. ordered. I had a whole week (and a day) off of work, so I figured I might as well spend some of it on a little getaway.

It did feel good to get away. To swim in the river. To be among good people. To sleep. To write.

And of course, to listen to the boss:

I come from down in the valley
Where, mister, when you're young
They bring you up to do like your daddy done
Me and Mary we met in high school
When she was just seventeen
We'd ride out of this valley down to where the fields were green

We'd go down to the river
And into the river we'd dive
Oh, down to the river we'd ride

Then I got Mary pregnant
And man, that was all she wrote
And for my nineteenth birthday I got a union card and a wedding coat

Me at the helm

We went down to the courthouse
And the judge put it all to rest
No wedding day smiles, no walk down the aisle
No flowers, no wedding dress

That night we went down to the river
And into the river we'd dive
Oh, down to the river we did ride
Ah-yah

I got a job working construction for the Johnstown Company
But lately there ain't been much work on account of the economy
Now all them things that seemed so important
Well, mister, they vanished right into the air
Now I just act like I don't remember
Mary acts like she don't care

But I remember us riding in my brother's car
Her body tan and wet down at the reservoir
At night on them banks I'd lie awake
And pull her close just to feel each breath she'd take
Now those memories come back to haunt me
They haunt me like a curse
Is a dream a lie if it don't come true
Or is it something worse

That sends me down to the river
Though I know the river is dry
That sends me down to the river tonight
Ah-yah-yah
Down to the river
My baby and I
Oh, down to the river we ride
Ah-yah-ay

Ooh, ooh
Ooh, ooh
Ooh
Ooh, ooh
Ooh

There were moments on the trip where I'd go back to my room and burst into tears. There were was a moment when I got home when the same thing happened.

It's all good. Not easy, but part of the grieving process...

Unknown Legend

Riding my bike after practice today, I heard this song in my head, from one of my very favorite voices:

She used to work in a diner
Never saw a woman look finer
I used to order just to watch
her float across the floor
She grew up in a small town
Never put her roots down
Daddy always kept movin',
so she did too

In particular, these next two lines are the ones that were on repeat:

Somewhere on a desert highway
She rides a Harley-Davidson
Her long blonde hair
flyin' in the wind
She's been runnin' half her life
The chrome and steel she rides
Collidin' with
the very air she breathes
The air she breathes

I'm focusing right now, as much as I can on simple things like breathing, during this in-between time that ain't easy at all:

You know it ain't easy
You got to hold on
She was an unknown legend
in her time
Now she's dressin' two kids
Lookin' for a magic kiss
She gets the far-away look
in her eyes

Lucky for me, my kids don't require dressin' anymore. They are beautiful, fully formed people with a strong sense of who they are, who they want to be, and just as important, who they don't want to be.

Meanwhile, nearly five decades into this life, I'm continuing to develop my own sense of that. I think the pull for me, coming from the family I did, to put my man first, is not to be underestimated. As one of my yoga teachers said: "I don't think you knew there was another option."

Indeed I didn't, but I do now. Now I choose to value my own peace of mind and heart over any man's, including one I love dearly.

And I choose to do what makes me happy -- riding my bike, going to yoga, and listening to Neil in my head:

Somewhere on a desert highway
She rides a Harley-Davidson
Her long blonde hair
flyin' in the wind
She's been runnin' half her life
The chrome and steel she rides
Collidin' with the very
air she breathes
The air she breathes

Down By the River

My three favorite people in the world!

Summer's over? Say it ain't so!

On this last day of summer -- at least, summer vacation -- we decided to make a trip out for a swim in the Wisconsin River.

It wasn't super warm out, mind you -- and when my daughter first put her feet in the water, she declared that she wasn't swimming.

"I am!" I said, running into the water. It was cold, but rituals are rituals.

Speaking of, on the way home, we went to the petting zoo my kids loved when they were little.

Seems fitting to mark today with this classic - I love Neil Young!

Be on my side,
I'll be on your side,
baby
There is no reason
for you to hide
It's so hard for me
staying here all alone
When you could be
taking me for a ride.

Yeah, she could drag me
over the rainbow,
send me away
Down by the river
I shot my baby
Down by the river,
Dead, oh, shot her dead.

You take my hand,
I'll take your hand
Together we may get away
This much madness
is too much sorrow
It's impossible
to make it today.

Yeah, she could drag me
over the rainbow,
send me away
Down by the river
I shot my baby
Down by the river,
Dead, oh, shot her dead.

Be on my side,
I'll be on your side,
baby
There is no reason
for you to hide
It's so hard for me
staying here all alone
When you could be
taking me for a ride.

Super extra grateful to have the love of my life along for the ride this afternoon...

I Wish I Was the Moon

Full Moon outside my bedroom window last night!

Today is the official first day of summer and I'm soooo glad.

So many things to be grateful for today, among them:

-My new job at the University!
-Fabulous weather
-My Ashtanga practice's new home
-Practicing tonight with this amazing teacher
-Dining out tonight with this amazing woman
-Riding home with the moon to light my path

I don't ever super understand Neko Case's lyrics, but I wanted a song about the moon and I can definitely relate to being super tired -- that's what happens when you combine parenting teenagers and early morning yoga practices!

Chimney falls and lovers blaze
Thought that I was young
Now I've freezing hands and bloodless veins
As numb as I've become

I'm so tired
I wish I was the moon tonight

Last night I dreamt I had forgotten my name
'Cause I had sold my soul but awoke just the same
I'm so lonely
I wish I was the moon tonight

God blessed me, I'm a free man
With no place free to go
I'm paralyzed and collared-tight
No pills for what I fear

This is crazy
I wish I was the moon tonight

Chimney falls and lovers blaze
Thought that I was young
Now I've freezing hands & bloodless veins
As numb as I've become

I'm so tired,
I wish I was the moon tonight

How will you know if you found me at least
'Cause I'll be the one, be the one, be the one
With my heart in my lap
I'm so tired, I'm so tired
I wish I was the moon tonight

Santeria

Somewhat inexplicably, I woke up early this morning, and this song was going through my head:

All I really want to know
I already know
All I really want to say
I can't define
It's love that I need
But my soul will have to wait till I get back and find
Heina of my own
Daddy's gonna love one and all
I feel the break, feel the break, feel the break and I got to live it out, oh yeah

This place was flower and bunny heaven!

I worked on my book this morning when I woke up, and the song came just sort of popped into my head. Maybe to remind me that I know all I need to know to write it?

I swear that I all really want to know
All I really want to say is I got mine and I make it
That love make it go, my soul will have to wait

And maybe a little you-can't-hurry-love message thrown in? I can always use that reminder. This was definitely a take-it-easy, do-what-I-please kind of weekend, and today ended up involving a run through Owen Park and a night out at a new restaurant with an old friend.

What I really want know, ah baby
What I really want to say is there's just one way back
And I'll make it, yeah, my soul will have to wait

I'll make it alright. And while my soul may have to wait for full satisfaction on every level, it's pretty darn content right where it is...

Fight Song

Seen on my ride this am: Coolest lily color ever!

Today was just a phenomenal summer day. It started with a bike ride that took me past the prettiest lilies ever: See for yourself at left.

The destination for my morning ride is also pictured: My friend's pier, the site of our Ashtanga practice this morning, which was so incredible!

Later in the day, I went to watch my son play soccer, and then took my mountain bike over to Quarry Ridge to do some riding. There were lots of people there, which actually turned out to be a good thing (normally I like the solo time).

I was riding really well, making all the climbs, feeling really good, and even had a group move over for me as I came down. I chatted with them a bit both during and after the ride -- they said they meet there every Monday, etc. -- and for the first time I felt like I might be at the point where I feel ready to join a group like that.

I got in the car after the ride and heard this song of empowerment, which felt fitting:

Setting for my morning yoga practice: Amazing!

Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion

And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time?

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

Losing friends and I'm chasing sleep
Everybody's worried about me
In too deep
Say I'm in too deep (in too deep)
And it's been two years
I miss my home
But there's a fire burning in my bones
Still believe
Yeah, I still believe

And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time?

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

A lot of fight left in me

Yes I do.

This was also a song that the retreat leader played on the retreat I went on with my trauma recovery group, so this feels like a good time to mention that I've decided to stop being a part of that group. It has been such a wonderful, healing experience for me, but now I feel ready to write my story and live my life, so that's exactly what I'm gonna do!