The Beautiful Ones

My kids took turns reading Dr. Suess to their former nanny's kid

We had the pleasure of hosting our former nanny and her kids this weekend.

It's so great to see my (mostly) grown up kids with her little kids, and for me to get to spend time with her now that we're both mamas instead of a mama and a college student.

Madison showed off for us, and we got to enjoy a beautiful day with the morning and early afternoon spent at the Farmer's Market.

Evening brought story time for the little kids and then games for the big kids and grown ups.

Acro with a three-year old makes me smile!

And now, with our friends back in Chicago and my kids back at their Dad's, I'm getting to enjoy a little quality time at home with some New Yorker magazines.

That's where the inspiration for today's song comes from -- a personal history from a guy Prince hired to write his autobiography.

Unfortunately, Prince died before he could get very many of his stories on paper.

Please, oh please, don't let that happen to me.

In the meantime, some entertainment from the brilliant and beautiful man himself:

High on diesel and gasoline
Psycho for drum machine
Shaking their bits to the hits, oh oh

The beautiful ones with our beautiful Capitol

Drag acts, drug acts, suicides
In your dad's suits you hide
Staining his name again

Cracked up, stacked up, 22
Psycho for sex and glue
Lost it to Bostik, yeah
Shaved heads, rave heads, on the pill
Got too much time to kill
Get into bands and gangs, oh

Here they come
The beautiful ones
The beautiful ones
La la la la
Here they come
The beautiful ones
The beautiful ones
La la la la la

La la, loved up, doved up, hung around
Stoned in a lonely town
Shaking their meat to the beat
High on diesel and gasoline
Psycho for drum machine
Shaking their bits to the hits, oh

Here they come
The beautiful ones
The beautiful ones
La la la la
Here they come
The beautiful ones
The beautiful ones

You don't think about it
You don't do without it
Because you're beautiful
And if your baby's going crazy
That's how you made me, la la
And if your baby's going crazy
That's how you made me, woh oh
And if your baby's going crazy
That's how you made me
La la la la la

The River

Panorama of the Mississippi River as seen from my friend's Dad's boat

When I told my friend about my breakup, she decided that a trip to Iowa and a stay at her parent's home on the Mississippi River would be just what the Dr. ordered. I had a whole week (and a day) off of work, so I figured I might as well spend some of it on a little getaway.

It did feel good to get away. To swim in the river. To be among good people. To sleep. To write.

And of course, to listen to the boss:

I come from down in the valley
Where, mister, when you're young
They bring you up to do like your daddy done
Me and Mary we met in high school
When she was just seventeen
We'd ride out of this valley down to where the fields were green

We'd go down to the river
And into the river we'd dive
Oh, down to the river we'd ride

Then I got Mary pregnant
And man, that was all she wrote
And for my nineteenth birthday I got a union card and a wedding coat

Me at the helm

We went down to the courthouse
And the judge put it all to rest
No wedding day smiles, no walk down the aisle
No flowers, no wedding dress

That night we went down to the river
And into the river we'd dive
Oh, down to the river we did ride
Ah-yah

I got a job working construction for the Johnstown Company
But lately there ain't been much work on account of the economy
Now all them things that seemed so important
Well, mister, they vanished right into the air
Now I just act like I don't remember
Mary acts like she don't care

But I remember us riding in my brother's car
Her body tan and wet down at the reservoir
At night on them banks I'd lie awake
And pull her close just to feel each breath she'd take
Now those memories come back to haunt me
They haunt me like a curse
Is a dream a lie if it don't come true
Or is it something worse

That sends me down to the river
Though I know the river is dry
That sends me down to the river tonight
Ah-yah-yah
Down to the river
My baby and I
Oh, down to the river we ride
Ah-yah-ay

Ooh, ooh
Ooh, ooh
Ooh
Ooh, ooh
Ooh

There were moments on the trip where I'd go back to my room and burst into tears. There were was a moment when I got home when the same thing happened.

It's all good. Not easy, but part of the grieving process...

South of Heaven

Straight off the set of a Wes Anderson movie!

Tonight we got to witness our friend get married in a way that was very personal and beautiful.

The processional was to this Slayer song, yep, that's right, a Slayer song, albeit being performed by Vitamin String Quartet:

An unforeseen future nestled somewhere in time.
Unsuspecting victims no warnings, no signs.
Judgment day the second coming arrives.
Before you see the light you must die.
Forgotten children, conform a new faith,
Avidity and lust controlled by hate.
[The] Never ending search for your shattered sanity,
Souls of Damnation in their own reality.
Chaos rampant,
An age of distrust.
Confrontations.
Impulsive habitat.
Bastard sons beget your cunting daughters,
Promiscuous mothers with your incestuous fathers.
Engreat souls condemned for all eternity,
Sustained by immoral observance a domineering deity.
Chaos rampant,
An age of distrust.
Confrontations.
Impulsive sabbath.
On and on, south of heaven
On and on, south of heaven
On and on, south of heaven
On and on, south of heaven
The root of all evil is the heart of a black soul.
A force that has lived all eternity.
A never ending search for a truth never told.
The loss of all hope and your dignity.
Chaos rampant,
An age of distrust.
Confrontations.
Impulsive habitat.
On and on, south of heaven
On and on, south of heaven
On and on, south of heaven
On and on, south of heaven

Not the most uplifting lyrics, mind you.

And the bride dropped a couple of F-bombs during the ceremony. My kids both looked at me in those moments. Authenticity, I reminded them when we talked about it afterward. Authenticity is more important than convention...

Disturbance at the Heron House

Oh man, do I ever love skiing with my kids!

This morning after practice I made the trek up north to a ski area I used to frequent when I was in high school.

My parents, who had had my kids the last couple of days, met me there so that the kids and I could be reunited and spend the day skiing.

On the way up, I started listening to the book Crossing to Safety by Wallace Stegner. It's one of my friend's favorite books, and I always try to pay attention when I hear someone I love talk about their favorite book.

In the part I listened to this morning, there was a line about chaos being the way of nature and order being a dream of man. And it occurred to me that this is exactly what my yoga teacher and Reiki practitioner was trying to tell me yesterday. It's not about comfort.

Which is perfect preparation for a day of skiing, which is also not about comfort, and is quite possibly one of the most liberating things a human can do.

My happy ski bunnies, getting close to dusk

On the drive home, I heard this classic from one of REM's lesser known albums, which, as I recall, I had on cassette as a youngster:

They're going wild, the call came in
At early morning predawn then
The followers of chaos, out of control

They're numbering the monkeys
The monkeys and the monkeys
The followers of chaos, out of control

The call came in to party central
A meeting of the green and simple
Trying to tell us something we don't know

They're meeting at the monument
The call came in, the monument
To liberty and honor under the honor roll

They've gathered up the cages
The cages and courageous
The followers of chaos, out of control

I'm gonna try to dream of order a little bit less, and get a little more comfortable with the chaos...

What Child is This?

Jesus as Yogi - He was a seeker, just like me

What a busy day this Christmas Eve turned out to be!

It started with a huge community yoga class at Perennial, which was really beautiful, and then I moved on to a little cross country skiing action in one of my favorite Madison Parks. The feeling of being underneath giant treetops is so comforting to me, and it was a beautiful morning for it.

When I got home, I had just enough time to get to Wholefoods for some nourishment for myself today and my kids tomorrow, before being picked up for church by my friend and her kids.

We went to the church with the Priest for whom I used to babysit -- and she does an amazing job with kids.

Feeling held by the canopy of giant snowy trees

For me, even though the church is super different from the one I went to as a kid, being there always evokes emotion for me, especially when singing hymns.

This is one of the hymns we sang today -- and it was also in the playlist at my yoga class -- so it feels like the perfect song to mark this day:

What child is this, who, laid to rest,
On Mary's lap is sleeping?
Whom angels greet with anthems sweet,
While shepherds watch are keeping?
This, this is Christ the King,
Whom shepherds guard and angels sing:
Haste, haste to bring Him laud,
The babe, the son of Mary.

Why lies He in such mean estate,
Where ox and donkeys are feeding?
Good Christians, fear, for sinners here
The silent Word is pleading.
Nails, spears shall pierce him through,
the cross he bore for me, for you.
Hail, hail the Word made flesh,

My friend and her two beautiful daughters at St. Dunstan's

the Babe, the Son of Mary.

Here comes my favorite line, the one that has been on repeat for me all day:

So bring him incense, gold, and myrrh,
Come, peasant, king, to own him.
The King of kings salvation brings,
Let loving hearts enthrone him.
Raise, raise a song on high,
The virgin sings her lullaby
Joy, joy for Christ is born,
The babe, the Son of Mary.

The king of king salvation brings. I reckon I kept repeating it because I hoped it was true -- salvation for me, for my father, for my mother. Some of the tears I felt as I tried to sing were for my mother, whom I know is hamstrung by what my father is unwilling or unable to deal with. Of course, if she were better able to hold it than she is, it might be different for my Dad too. Who knows? The only thing I know is that I have to stay true to myself, even if I don't know yet what that will mean for the rest of my family.

For now, it feels like enough to be thankful for this beautiful, full day, and these majestic, reassuring hymns:

This, this is Christ the King,
Whom shepherds guard and angels sing:
Haste, haste to bring Him laud,
The babe, the son of Mary.

Jolene

It's been a while since I've pulled out a song from the treasure trove of my childhood idol Olivia Newton-John. Luckily, today I once again have reason to reach into that vault. I saw a video on Facebook of my friend's daughter singing this classic song (Dolly Parton's original version):

Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene
I'm begging of you please don't take my man
Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene
Please don't take him just because you can

Your beauty is beyond compare
With flaming locks of auburn hair
With ivory skin and eyes of emerald green

Your smile is like a breath of spring
Your voice is soft like summer rain
And I cannot compete with you, Jolene

He talks about you in his sleep
There's nothing I can do to keep
From crying when he calls your name, Jolene

And I can easily understand
How you could easily take my man
But you don't know what he means to me, Jolene

Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene
I'm begging of you please don't take my man
Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene
Please don't take him just because you can

You could have your choice of men
But I could never love again
He's the only one for me, Jolene

I had to have this talk with you
My happiness depends on you
And whatever you decide to do, Jolene

Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene
I'm begging of you please don't take my man
Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene
Please don't take him even though you can

Jolene, Jolene

It was beautiful to see and hear her singing it. Almost as beautiful as it is to see my beloved Aussie belting out the same song.

And while ONJ gets my vote every time, I do love this version of Dolly performing with Miley Cyrus.

Dang Jolene, you inspired a lot of awesome voices to warn you against stealing her man!

Africa

Making my way to Berkeley on BART

I landed in San Francisco at about 8:45 pm tonight. I'm here for an Ashtanga yoga workshop, and when I signed up I thought it was going to work out super perfectly because one of my Ashtanga buddies from Madison moved to Berkeley just over a year ago.

I got in touch with her, she and her partner were excited for me to stay with them, everything was working out great. And then, last week, she told me that she was leaving for Africa the day I arrived.

That's right Toto, Africa:

I hear the drums echoing tonight
But she hears only whispers of some quiet conversation
She's coming in, 12:30 flight
The moonlit wings reflect the stars that guide me towards salvation
I stopped an old man along the way
Hoping to find some long forgotten words or ancient melodies
He turned to me as if to say, "Hurry boy, it's waiting there for you"

It's gonna take a lot to take me away from you

The view from my friends' house in the Berkeley Hills

There's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do
I bless the rains down in Africa
Gonna take some time to do the things we never had

The good news is she got a new job that she's excited about that will help teenage girls in Malawi get a secondary school education, something only six percent of them do right now.

The bad news is that she left her house at 9pm tonight to get to the airport, and I arrived at 9:50 pm...

Don't Give Up On Me

My new mountain biking partner in crime

It was a long, long road riding my mountain bike alone after the New Englander left, a road (or a path) upon which many tears were shed. But today I am happy to say I got to go riding with a friend (a friend who practices Ashtanga with me, no less!), and it was sooooooooooo nice!

I took her to Kettle Moraine -- she'd never been -- and it was a perfect day weather wise. It felt great to be out there, and great to be leading, really, really great.

And then I got home, and I got in the tub, and this song came on:

If I fall short, if I don't make the grades
If your expectations aren't met in me today
There is always tomorrow, or tomorrow night
Hang in there baby, sooner or later
I know I'll get it right

Please, don't give up on me
Oh please don't give up on me
I know it's late, late in the game
But my feelings, my true feelings
Haven't changed
Here in my heart

I know, I know I was wrong, wrong wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong
I'd like to make amends for the love that I never, ever, ever, ever shown
Just don't give up on me, every word is true

I'll give you my everything, all of my love, all of my love, all of my love love love
Just don't give up on me
Oh please, please, please
Don't give up on me

I don't want you to
I know it's late, but wait, please, please, please, please
Don't give up on me
Promise, will you promise, will you promise me
Please don't give up on me

We can make it if we try
I'm gonna hold on, hold on with me
And don't give up on me, oh-ooh, -oohohoooh -baby
Oh baby, Oh baby, please, don't-give-up-on-me
Whatever you do, we gonna make it, gonna make it through
Don't you give up on me, please, please, please... Promise me
Don't-give-up-on-me

To which I say, hmmmm Universe, interesting song choice. Beautiful, but interesting. It's not a song about celebrating new beginnings. It's not a song about moving on. It's a song about not giving up on the person who has wronged you but still loves you.

Very. Interesting. Choice.

But here's the thing: I'm playing around right now with the mantra "I already have everything I need."

Strictly speaking, I know that it is true. I have air to breathe, clean water to drink, food to eat, and love all around me. I even have a new mountain biking partner. So I'm just going to let the song play, and let it mark the day, without creating any kind of story around it, other than my mantra:

"I already have everything I need."

Indeed I do...

Santeria

Somewhat inexplicably, I woke up early this morning, and this song was going through my head:

All I really want to know
I already know
All I really want to say
I can't define
It's love that I need
But my soul will have to wait till I get back and find
Heina of my own
Daddy's gonna love one and all
I feel the break, feel the break, feel the break and I got to live it out, oh yeah

This place was flower and bunny heaven!

I worked on my book this morning when I woke up, and the song came just sort of popped into my head. Maybe to remind me that I know all I need to know to write it?

I swear that I all really want to know
All I really want to say is I got mine and I make it
That love make it go, my soul will have to wait

And maybe a little you-can't-hurry-love message thrown in? I can always use that reminder. This was definitely a take-it-easy, do-what-I-please kind of weekend, and today ended up involving a run through Owen Park and a night out at a new restaurant with an old friend.

What I really want know, ah baby
What I really want to say is there's just one way back
And I'll make it, yeah, my soul will have to wait

I'll make it alright. And while my soul may have to wait for full satisfaction on every level, it's pretty darn content right where it is...

The Only Living Boy in New York

Why this song for this day, you ask?

Tom, get your plane right on time.
I know your part'll go fine.
Fly down to Mexico.
Da-n-da-da-n-da-n-da-da and here I am,
The only living boy in New York.

I get the news I need on the weather report.
I can gather all the news I need on the weather report.
Hey, I've got nothing to do today but smile.
Da-n-do-da-n-do-da-n-do here I am,
The only living boy in New York.
Half of the time we're gone but we don't know where,
And we don't know where.

1) My ipod shuffled onto it and I walked over to see what it was called -- I had no idea. I think the only part that has ever stuck in my head was "we don't know where and we don't know where."

No, we don't.

2) I read an article this week about the fact that it has been 20 years since the release of Larry Clark's Kids -- a movie about teenagers getting high and having sex in New York. Is that possible? I remember seeing it with my babydaddy when it came out and being really shaken by it. Apparently Harvey Weinstein said it was the most controversial film with which he has ever been associated. And now, 20 years later, I'm feeling really grateful that my kids get to be teenagers in Madison, Wisconsin.

3) My only living boy is having some trouble understanding why I want him to spend part of his summer learning and/or reviewing Algebra. I'm just trying to set him up for success, but he doesn't see it that way, and we're both frustrated with each other.

4) And finally, I got a message the other day from an old friend with whom I don't talk to or see much anymore, but the message, about the expansive possibilities with my brain and my newfound freedom to apply it to society's ills (naming improving schools and lives for poor, minority kids), really touched me:

Tom, get your plane right on time.
I know that you've been eager to fly now.
Hey let your honesty shine, shine, shine
Da-n-da-da-n-da-n-da-da
Like it shines on me.
The only living boy in New York,
The only living boy in New York.

Like Tom, I'm eager to fly now, and let my honesty shine, shine, shine...

Bring it, Universe!

I Ain't Mad Atcha

This weekend was a little rough in terms of both family and friends dynamics. At one point today, having turned on my ipod player to keep me company while I folded laundry, this song was playing as I walked into the bedroom:

Change, shit
I guess change is good for any of us
Whatever it take for any of y'all niggaz to get up out the hood
Shit, I'm wit cha, I ain't mad at cha
Got nuttin but love for ya, do your thing boy

Yeah, all the homies that I ain't talk to in a while
I'ma send this one out for y'all, knahmean?
Cause I ain't mad at cha
Heard y'all tearin up shit out there, kickin up dust
[Danny Boy] I ain't...
Givin a motherfucker, heheheheheh
Yeah, niggaz
[Danny Boy] ...mad at cha
Cause I ain't mad at cha

Now we was once two niggaz of the same kind
Quick to holla at a hoochie with the same line
You was just a little smaller but you still roller
Got stretched to Y.A. and hit the hood swoll
Member when you had a jheri curl didn't quite learn
On the block, witcha glock, trippin off sherm
Collect calls to the till, sayin how ya changed
Oh you a Muslim now, no more dope game
Heard you might be comin home, just got bail
Wanna go to the Mosque, don't wanna chase tail
I seems I lost my little homie he's a changed man
Hit the pen and now no sinnin is the game plan
When I talk about money all you see is the struggle
When I tell you I'm livin large you tell me it's trouble
Congratulation on the weddin, I hope your wife know
She got a playa for life, and that's no bullshitin
I know we grew apart, you probably don't remember
I used to fiend for your sister, but never went up in her
And I can see us after school, we'd BOMB
on the first motherfucker with the wrong shit on
Now the whole shit's changed, and we don't even kick it
Got a big money scheme, and you ain't even with it
Hmm, knew in my heart you was the same motherfucker bad
Go toe to toe when it's time for roll you got a brother's back
And I can't even trip, cause I'm just laughin at cha
You tryin hard to maintain, then go head
cause I ain't mad at cha
(Hmm, I ain't mad at cha)

It made me think that we weren't the only ones with shit to deal with - in fact -- compared to what many people have to deal with, we've got it pretty good.

I ain't, mad, at cha [2Pac:] (I ain't mad at cha)
I ain't, mad, at cha

We used to be like distant cousins, fightin, playin dozens
Whole neighborhood buzzin, knowin, that we wasn't
Used to catch us on the roof or behind the stairs
I'm gettin blitzed and I reminsce on all the times we shared
Besides bumpin n grindin wasn't nothin on our mind
In time we learned to live a life of crime
Rewind us back, to a time was much too young to know
I caught a felony lovin the way the guns blow
And even though we seperated, you said that you'd wait
Don't give nobody no coochie while I be locked up state
I kiss my Mama goodbye, and wipe the tears from her lonely eyes
Said I'll return but I gotta fight the fate's arrived
Don't shed a tear, cause Mama I ain't happy here
I'm through trial, no more smiles, for a couple years
They got me goin mad, I'm knockin busters on they backs
in my cell, thinkin, "Hell, I know one day I'll be back"
As soon as I touch down
I told my girl I'll be there, so prepare, to get fucked down
The homies wanna kick it, but I'm just laughin at cha
Cause youse a down ass bitch, and I ain't mad at cha

We may use different words to express ourselves, but by the end of the day, we were back in a place where we could honestly say:

I ain't, mad at cha [2Pac:] (and I ain't mad at cha)
Iiiiiiiii ain't mad [2Pac:] (hell nah I ain't mad at cha) at cha
I ain't, mad at mha [2Pac:] (and I ain't mad at cha)
I ain't, mad at cha [2Pac:] (I ain't mad at cha)
I ain't, mad at cha, noooo
I ain't mad at chaaaaahhhhhhhh

With A Little Help From My Friends

A windy selfie that captures these happy friends

The last couple of times I've been to DC, I haven't managed to get together with my friend from Madison who moved there a few years ago, but this time, we made it work.

We met for dinner tonight, and it was so nice to see him. We like to talk to each other about a range of things, but our too main topics are probably politics and love/sex, so he was anxious to get caught up on what was going on in my life.

He didn't love where I am at the moment, and suggested I get back into online dating, of which he is a veteran. I bristled, he persisted. He made some good points, and said what so many other people have said to me when I say "But I don't want to date anyone else" -- that this is a fake it 'til you make it situation. Maybe it is. I don't know.

But I do know that it was wonderful to spend a couple of hours with my friend, and it lifted my spirits mightily, not to mention getting this number fired up on the internal jukebox:

What would you think if I sang out of tune
Would you stand up and walk out on me?
Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song
And I'll try not to sing out of key
Oh I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm I get high with a little help from my friends
Mm going to try with a little help from my friends

What do I do when my love is away?
(Does it worry you to be alone?)
How do I feel by the end of the day?
(Are you sad because you're on your own?)
No I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm I get high with a little help from my friends
Mm going to try with a little help from my friends

(Do you need anybody?)
I need somebody to love
(Could it be anybody?)
I want somebody to love

Yes I do. And not just someone in theory, someone in the flesh:

(Would you believe in a love at first sight?)
Yes I'm certain that it happens all the time
(What do you see when you turn out the light?)
I can't tell you, but I know it's mine
Oh I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm I get high with a little help from my friends
Oh I'm going to try with a little help from my friends

Usually I have a clear favorite between the original, linked above, and a cover. This one's a toss-up: Joe Cocker really nails this song and kinda makes it his own...

Shiny Happy People

The birthday girl and her lovely daughters

What a difference a day makes, and it doesn't hurt at all when that day is a day off from school and work.

Ahhhh, the luxury of sleeping in myself -- I didn't see the time on the clock until 7:45am and after that I stayed in bed and read The New Yorker -- and not having to wake me kids up and get them out the door to school. I think we all really needed a day off.

We had some excitement, too, starting last night when we had our favorite newly 36-year-old Mom over for a belated birthday dinner. My daughter loves nothing more than to bake and decorate cakes, so she was all over helping me prepare for the celebration.

It's so much fun to see my kids with my friend's baby. They love to make her smile and laugh, and I love seeing them in that capacity. I always thought I'd have another baby but now it looks more likely that I won't, which just makes our time with my friend's baby that much more special.

My shiny happy kids and their muse (who's often in motion!)

Contemplating the shift in mood today, this REM song came to mind:

Shiny happy people laughing

Meet me in the crowd, people, people
Throw your love around, love me, love me
Take it into town, happy, happy
Put it in the ground where the flowers grow
Gold and silver shine

Shiny happy people holding hands
Shiny happy people holding hands
Shiny happy people laughing

Everyone around, love them, love them
Put it in your hands, take it, take it
There's no time to cry, happy, happy
Put it in your heart where tomorrow shines
Gold and silver shine

Shiny happy people holding hands
Shiny happy people holding hands
Shiny happy people laughing

Whoa, here we go

The other excitement we had came later today -- this time in the form of smoke filling part of the house. It was bizarre because it was mostly coming out of the fireplace we don't use. We eventually figured out that the ashes from the fireplace we used last night and the ashes of the other fireplace go to the same spot. My daughter had raked what must've been still-smoldering coals down the little chute, and it turned out that all kinds of things were in the soot-collection area, including newspapers.

Somewhat miraculously, my kids, who'd had their moments of not getting along on their day off, totally bonded over shoveling all of the soot out and dumping it outside on the compost pile, turning it into a fun evening. We ate dinner on the floor of my bedroom because it was both smoky and freezing cold in the dining room's half of the house, and I gave thanks, once again, for a joyful, peaceful evening with my kids.

I Wanna Get Better

I don't think I'd be doing nearly as well in this life without the support of friends. Especially at a time like this -- although with my last relationship, the time like this comes and goes and comes back again. Hopefully I've learned now what I needed to learn here, because in the words of a song a friend sent me this week:

I wanna get better

That I do. I'm tired of being stuck in a frustrated place:

While my friends were getting high and chasing girls down parkway lines
I was losing my mind 'cause the love, the love, the love, the love, the love
That I gave wasted on a nice face
In a blaze of fear I put a helmet on a helmet
Counting seconds through the night and got carried away
So now I'm standing on the overpass screaming at the cars,

"Hey, I wanna get better!"

Ok, so I'm screaming inside my car, but the effect is roughly similar.

Today I'm going to a wedding. I'm going solo, and I'm kinda hoping some lovely man will be going solo too. A man with whom I can move forward, into my future:

I didn’t know I was lonely 'til I saw your face
I wanna get better, better, better, better,
I wanna get better
I didn't know I was broken 'til I wanted to change
I wanna get better, better, better, better,
I wanna get better

Yes I do! And there's no time like the present for living the life I want to be living...

People

Early Spring in the Arboretum

I try to balance the weekends when I don't have the kids -- or at least don't have them both nights -- with the right mix of alone time and time with friends. I haven't felt much like practicing yoga alone lately, and the studio where I've been practicing is in transition, so I booked a couple of classes at another studio after my kids left today just to kind of bookend the alone time. I also got to spend a chunk of time today with a dear friend, hiking in the woods, which was lovely.

But still, after 6 hours out and about on my bike, when I got home, all I wanted to do was crawl in bed and watch TV. So I did. And that's one of the things I love about this phase of my life -- the freedom, in those moments, to do whatever I want. But when I say I love that, I mean to the degree that you can love the feeling of self-indulgent unproductive time -- there's a place for it in our lives, sure, but it doesn't feel purely good.

Eventually my viewing pleasure turned to an old vice: Glee. And that's where my song choice comes from today. From there, as well as from the fact that I'm with Barbra on this one:

People
People who need people
Are the luckiest people in the world,
We're children, needing other children
And yet letting our grown-up pride
Hide all the need inside,
Acting more like children
Than children.
Lovers are very special people,
They're the luckiest people
In the world.
With one person, one very special person
A feeling deep in your soul
Says you were half,
Now you're whole.
No more hunger and thirst
But first be a person
Who needs people.
People who need people
Are the luckiest people
In the world!

Being alone has its advantages. No doubt about it. But it's not how I want to live the bulk of my life, and neither is hiding from the world (even if it's just my own inner life) through the use of electronics...

Hotel California

Dinner with my Dad's stepbrother

After a long night of travel -- I took the red eye home from LA last night and my plane from Chicago to Madison was delayed three hours -- I was just pulling into my garage when the DJ aptly selected this number from the Eagles:

On a dark desert highway, cool wind in my hair
Warm smell of colitas, rising up through the air
Up ahead in the distance, I saw a shimmering light
My head grew heavy and my sight grew dim
I had to stop for the night
There she stood in the doorway;
I heard the mission bell
And I was thinking to myself,
"This could be Heaven or this could be Hell"
Then she lit up a candle and she showed me the way
There were voices down the corridor,
I thought I heard them say...

Welcome to the Hotel California
Such a lovely place (Such a lovely place)
Such a lovely face
Plenty of room at the Hotel California
Any time of year (Any time of year)
You can find it here

My Cal gal pal & me in Venice

Yes, find it there I did. A break from the severe cold we've had to endure this winter. An inspiring visit to a charter school network doing great things for kids. Time to reconnect with one of my oldest and dearest friends. Time to rediscover familial connections. Time to run on the beach in the sunshine. Time to run in the rain.

I'm grateful to be home, but there is also a part of me that is just fine with the fact that there is a part of me for whom home will always be California, no matter where I live:

Last thing I remember, I was
Running for the door
I had to find the passage back
To the place I was before
"Relax, " said the night man,
"We are programmed to receive.
You can check-out any time you like,
But you can never leave!"