She Talks to Angels

I love this song, and I keep having the good fortune of hearing it in the car, which is especially welcome at the moment when I'm in between books on CD:

She never mentions the word addiction
In certain company
Yes, she'll tell you she's an orphan
After you meet her family

Speaking of addiction, I had a big realization in that department this week. As I've talked about many times, there is alcoholism in both sides of my family, so I've tried to learn as much as I can and stay on top of my own drinking so it doesn't become problematic. I also know I'm not an alcoholic. I once talked to a friend who is and she explained that having one drink was never enough for her, she always wanted more. I didn't understand this -- but what if you're full, or tired, or don't feel like it, or have to get up early the next day? Doesn't matter, she told me, but I really never got it. Until now.

I was warned a few months back about reestablishing contact with the New Englander, that it would be a slippery slope for both of us. I didn't listen, though, because I had all these new insights from writing my memoir that I wanted to share with him. And I did gain some information from connecting with him again, no question about that. But that information -- even when it was the fact that I'm not drawn to who he is now so much as who he was when we were first together - did not stop me from wanting more, in the same way that nothing stopped my friend from wanting another drink.

So I texted more, I let myself think about how to properly acknowledge his birthday, and all the while, I reassured myself in a way that I now find curious as a justification for this behavior: I just love him so much.

Whoopdeedoo Sarah Jane. That's no big realization. The realization I have about it now is that is only half of the equation. And that, coupled with the knowledge that when it comes to him I cannot, in fact, have just one "drink" -- well, that helps me come from a whole different place about how to move forward. And move on. Finally.

Sing it Black Crowes:

She paints her eyes as black as night now
She pulls those shades down tight
Oh yeah, there's a smile when the pain comes
The pain gonna make everything alright
Alright, yeah heah

She talks to angels
Says they call her out by her name
Oh, yeah, heah, angels
Call her out by her name
Oh, ooh, oh, oh, angels
They call her out by her name

Oh, oh, oh, she talks to angels
They call her out
Yeah, ee, eah, eah, eah, eah
Call her out
Don't you know that they
Call her out by her name?

Back in the Game

I woke up this morning to get ready to go to practice, looked outside, and decided to ride my bike downtown.

Business as usual for Archie -- but today is the first time in two weeks that I've had my normal amount of energy -- and it feels good.

Now heavy metal is not business as usual for me, but I gotta admit, sometimes, I like it like this:

Let's play
It's been a hard road but I'm almost home
As the lights fade to black
Hear the roar of the crowd
Ten thousand loud
It's good to be back

Feel the sting the sweat
Of the back of my neck
It's been way too long
Like a ricochet I hit the stage (or the bike path)
Lets get it on

Yep, and this song is apropos in more ways than one, because I'm back in the dating game, too:

I'm back in the game
Breaking hearts again
You better watch out
Coz I'm back in the game
I'm back in the game
Kickin' ass again
No stopping me now
It's like I've never been away
So you better watch out
Coz I'm back in the game
Oh yeah

I'm built to last I'll never crash
I'm invincible tonight
Feel the energy running over me
Like a bolt from the sky
Go another round in another town
I strike and then I'm gone
I'm a high octane hurricane
Let's get it on

The shirtless frontman in this band's got one on me here -- cause sometimes, I do crash -- on my bike, in my love life. But I always get back in the game eventually:

I'm back in the game
Breaking hearts again
You better watch out
Coz I'm back in the game
I'm back in the game
Kickin' ass again
No stopping me now
It's like I've never been away
So you better watch out
Coz I'm back in the game
Oh yeah

Oh yeah...

I See Fire

I finally decided to restart my subscription to the New Yorker. I let it lapse because I was overwhelmed by the issues arriving weekly, and also because, as brave as I was trying to be reading the fiction to myself, it was still breaking my heart a little bit because I used to always read it with the New Englander.

I'm not sure exactly what made me turn the corner, but turn the corner I did. And in today's digital world, as soon as I finished subscribing the issue was waiting for me on my ipad.

One of the things I like about that magazine is that I learn about books and movies and music that I wouldn't otherwise learn about -- like this remix of an Ed Sheeran song by Kygo:

Oh, misty eye of the mountain below
Keep careful watch of my brothers' souls
And should the sky be filled with fire and smoke
Keep watching over Durin's sons

If this is to end in fire
Then we should all burn together
Watch the flames climb high into the night

Calling out father oh
Stand by and we will
Watch the flames burn auburn on
The mountain side

And if we should die tonight
Then we should all die together
Raise a glass of wine for the last time

Calling out father oh
Prepare as we will
Watch the flames burn auburn on
The mountain side
Desolation comes upon the sky

Now I see fire
Inside the mountain
I see fire
Burning the trees
And I see fire
Hollowing souls
I see fire
Blood in the breeze
And I hope that you remember me

Oh, should my people fall
Then surely I'll do the same
Confined in mountain halls
We got too close to the flame

Calling out father oh
Hold fast and we will
Watch the flames burn auburn on
The mountain side
Desolation comes upon the sky

Now I see fire
Inside the mountain
I see fire
Burning the trees
I see fire
Hollowing souls
I see fire
Blood in the breeze
And I hope that you remember me

And if the night is burning
I will cover my eyes
For if the dark returns
Then my brothers will die
And as the sky is falling down
It crashed into this lonely town
And with that shadow upon the ground
I hear my people screaming out

Now I see fire
Inside the mountains
I see fire
Burning the trees
I see fire
Hollowing souls
I see fire
Blood in the breeze

I see fire (oh you know I saw a city burning out) (fire)
And I see fire (feel the heat upon my skin, yeah) (fire)
And I see fire (uh-uh-uh-uh) (fire)
And I see fire burn auburn on the mountain side

Granted, when I read about it, I did not realize it was a song from one of the Hobbit films, but there you go.

Oh, and I haven't managed to tackle the fiction yet, but I will. I met someone on Tinder recently who was surprised to find that I am both a mountain biker and a New Yorker subscriber -- yep, I said, all in one package. Then he seems to have disappeared, as so many do on that silly dating app that at least for now qualifies as the least egregious of the online dating choices out there!

Almost Lover

Heard this beautiful song today:

Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images

You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick

I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images

And when you left you kissed my lips
You told me you'd never ever forget these images, no

I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

And I have to admit I felt a little of "enough with the songs about the pain of breakups" -- but there's a reason there are so many songs about it. So much material there. Takes such a long time to sort it all out. I'm just now at the point where I can revisit the writing that I did after the New Englander left more than two years ago now. It's really, really raw, as I was for a long time:

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So now you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine

I feel grateful to be at the point now where I can do most things that were too painful to do without him when he left, at least the things that are possible to do alone.

That other stuff -- he was, after all, my all the way lover (and almost husband) -- that just isn't something I've been able to recreate on my own and I've yet to find someone suitable to take his place...

Fight Song

Seen on my ride this am: Coolest lily color ever!

Today was just a phenomenal summer day. It started with a bike ride that took me past the prettiest lilies ever: See for yourself at left.

The destination for my morning ride is also pictured: My friend's pier, the site of our Ashtanga practice this morning, which was so incredible!

Later in the day, I went to watch my son play soccer, and then took my mountain bike over to Quarry Ridge to do some riding. There were lots of people there, which actually turned out to be a good thing (normally I like the solo time).

I was riding really well, making all the climbs, feeling really good, and even had a group move over for me as I came down. I chatted with them a bit both during and after the ride -- they said they meet there every Monday, etc. -- and for the first time I felt like I might be at the point where I feel ready to join a group like that.

I got in the car after the ride and heard this song of empowerment, which felt fitting:

Setting for my morning yoga practice: Amazing!

Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion

And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time?

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

Losing friends and I'm chasing sleep
Everybody's worried about me
In too deep
Say I'm in too deep (in too deep)
And it's been two years
I miss my home
But there's a fire burning in my bones
Still believe
Yeah, I still believe

And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time?

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

A lot of fight left in me

Yes I do.

This was also a song that the retreat leader played on the retreat I went on with my trauma recovery group, so this feels like a good time to mention that I've decided to stop being a part of that group. It has been such a wonderful, healing experience for me, but now I feel ready to write my story and live my life, so that's exactly what I'm gonna do!

You Ought To Be With Me

This song came to me today after realizing, at therapy today, that I was holding on to the belief that there was only one man who could love me the way I want to be loved, which makes absolutely no sense, considering that he couldn't really, even when he did. Cryptic, I know. But my therapist helped me understand that once I allowed myself to be vulnerable with the New Englander I just sort of locked down on him, and when it didn't work, I just kept hoping it would and being sad that it didn't, as if it were the only option.

Here's hoping that today's session largely ended that belief and the accompanying feelings. Because now I'm on the lookout for someone who can show up, be present, attend to me and attend to himself. Sounds simple, and yet, in my last relationship anyway, there were many challenges even with those simple things.

So I think this song came as an invitation to my next man, whomever he is:

Sit right down and talk to me
About how you want to be
You ought to be with me
Ya, you ought to be with me

Thinkin' about what people do
Talkin' about how I love you
Thinkin' there's nothin' to what they say
You're gonna to be with me, anyway

They don't want to see us do
All of the dumb things we want to
You ought to be with me
Hey, you ought to be with me

You don't have to waste my time
If you want to be a friend of mine
You can be denied and walk away
And turn your back for another day

You ought to be the kind of girl
That can brighten this old world
And it's hard to see why you and me
Can't be together happily

I'm trying to realize
You being with some other guy
I don't know the reason why
You ought to be with me until I die

Hey, you ought to be with me until I die

I don't want to waste my time
If you want to be a friend of mine
I want to hold you tight, love you right
Put good feelin' in your night

I hope I don't have to wait too much longer to find out...

This Year's Love

I usually have my kids on Wednesday nights but I didn't this evening so I decided to once again go to a Yin yoga class. Just before I left, my phone rang. I didn't recognize the number, but I thought it might be the man I've been corresponding with on Tinder to whom I recently gave my phone number.

Lying in a pose for 3-5 minutes (which is what you do in a Yin yoga class), I thought about the prospect of talking to a man (who is a potential romantic prospect) on the phone. And the next thing I knew, tears were rolling down my face as I thought of when the New Englander and I first starting talking on the phone. We fell in love on the phone, before we spent any real time together in person. When I think back to that time, I can't think of any reason in the world why it shouldn't have worked out for us. It just doesn't make any sense to me, and I still find it sad. Little by little I am letting myself feel the sadness and letting it go, just as I did tonight. Because if there's one thing I learned from that relationship it's that I don't get to choose who I fall in love with and I don't get to choose if it works out or not, either.

This song came on during class just as I was drying my tears and telling myself that as hard as it is to put myself out there again and risk getting my heart broken the way it was the last time, I'm gonna do it:

This year's love had better last
Heaven knows it's high time
And I've been waiting on my own too long
But when you hold me like you do
It feels so right
I start to forget
How my heart gets torn
When that hurt gets thrown
Feeling like you can't go on

Turning circles when time again
It cuts like a knife oh yeah
If you love me got to know for sure
Cause it takes something more this time
Than sweet sweet lies
Before I open up my arms and fall
Losing all control
Every dream inside my soul
And when you kiss me
On that midnight street
Sweep me off my feet
Singing ain't this life so sweet

This year's love had better last
This year's love had better last

So whose to worry
If our hearts get torn
When that hurt gets thrown
Don't you know this life goes on
And won't you kiss me
On that midnight street
Sweep me off my feet
Singing ain't this life so sweet

This year's love had better last
This year's love had better last
This year's love had better last
This year's love had better last

I hope I do fall in love again this year, and I join David Gray in feeling like it had better last, even if I know better than to think we have any control over it...

My Heart

I started this post early in the morning today, and when I went back to it, I realized I hadn't said exactly what I thought I'd wanted to say:

I'm learning to trust what my hurt tells me, letting it lead while still being grounded in the world.

I meant to say what my heart tells me. Freudian slip, perhaps? Or just an indication of the condition that my heart is in at the moment, maybe? I'm not sure, but I do know that when my subconscious speaks, I try to listen.

This beautiful song is from the soundtrack of Still Alice, which I saw at Sundance on Sunday:

My heart
What have I done to you?
Sadness, no disappointments
If I want to own you
If I want what yours
If I always want to own you

No sadness
No disappointments
No tiredness
Could get through my skin
And I woke up
Was crying in my sleep
And the bitterness
Was littered under my skin

And what this song underscores for me is that I don't want to live in a space where I have to brace my heart on a nearly daily basis. I want to be free to listen to my heart and behave accordingly, and more than that, I also want to be around others who do the same...

What a Beautiful Wreck You Are

I'm reading a book that my son picked up at the library called This is Where I Leave You (it's also a movie). I am really enjoying it, and can relate to a lot of it.

There's a particular line from the book that I texted to the New Englander because it reminded me of us:

"She would be pretty and vulnerable and we would know each other instantly, would love each other fiercely, the way only two damaged people can."

Yes we did.

When I heard this song for the first time today on the radio, it made me think of that line, and of the
beautiful wrecks we both were (in some respects) when we met. But since he was much more freshly divorced, and had much less therapy, he even more so.

We didn't make it as far as I thought we would together, partly because of his beautiful wreck of a self, but I am profoundly grateful for the love we shared:

I've lost count of the times I given up on you
But you make such a beautiful wreck, you do
There's a tavern on the corner called the 'Milky Way'
And you look so at home there it makes me afraid

And at the dark end of this bar
What a beautiful wreck you are
When you go too far
Beautiful wreck you are

Well, all the plans that you had from seven years ago
Like all the promises you made, I watched them come and go
You put your keys in the car but it wouldn't drive
With your hands on the wheel, lookin' barely alive

I'm still sitting here
Waiting on the passenger side
For you to make up your mind
For you to make up your mind

I'm happy to report that I'm not still sitting on the passenger side waiting for him to make up his mind. I've climbed back into the driver's seat of my own life, and damn, it feels good!

Madness

I love, love, love it when just the right song comes to me to mark the day, and today is one of those days:

I, I can't get these memories out of my mind,
And some kind of madness has started to evolve.
(Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma...)
And I, I tried so hard to let you go,
But some kind of madness is swallowing me whole, yeah
(Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma...)

Some kind of madness has swallowed me whole over these last, oh, I don't know, handful of years now, maybe? And that's the madness of being completely in love with someone who claims to be completely in love with me and then when I ask him to marry me or move in he says no thanks, I think I'll move back to where I came from. And that's really just the beginning of the madness. Then you have last Christmas, when he got back in touch and said he wanted to get back together and move back to Wisconsin. So what's my response? I buy him a plane ticket to visit for his birthday, he comes, we all love seeing him, and then shortly afterward, he becomes less available again, until eventually, we agree to break up, because it's not working for either one of us. But by that point, I've already bought plane tickets for the three of us to visit him in August, you know, because my kids have been counting on having this East Coast adventure with this man, whom they love, whom they thought was going to be their Stepdad. So we go, and not surprisingly, I'm still just as crazy about him as I ever was, even though, while we were broken up, turns out he slept with someone else, and that hurts. When we leave, I suggest we no longer be in contact, but then I don't stick to that, because I just find my feelings for him so confusing and confounding. I start this deep healing work, and he's the one I want to talk to about it, because he's so totally awesome about all of it. He always has been, since the beginning, and he helped me work through major residual trauma from the abuse I suffered in my childhood. So I do call him, and he's there for me, and each time that happens my heart leaps up and says: "Yay! He is your person. He wants to be your person. You weren't wrong about him. You are going to get to be with him again. Of course you are! How could it happen any other way? You've worked so hard and waited so long and the two of you are so good together in so many ways -- how could it be otherwise?" And then the same thing happens that has always happened with us: he becomes less available, I say I need more, he says he can't give me more, rinse, repeat. So I decide we can't talk anymore and so we don't but I still find a way to restart the cycle over -- this time by texting him about the vision that I have during a big crying jag last weekend. The vision is basically making it clear to me that he's just not choosing to take the plunge with me so I point that out to him, as if, I don't know, if he realizes that he'll suddenly decide to take the plunge? Nope. He barely answers, says he'll get to it later, but then doesn't, so I ask him about it in a few days, and he says he can't take the plunge until he knows he can stand strongly on his own two feet. Do I take the hint now? I do not. This tenaciousness that I've got going for me, it serves me very well in some settings, but not so well in others. The length of this paragraph is proof of that. Anyway, I try again to say come back to me, I love you, work on your stuff here, work on it with me, don't turn your back on our love, please. And then FINALLY, he answers with enough clarity that:

I have finally seen the light,
And I have finally realized
What you mean.

He tells me he's doing what he can, but working his way back to us isn't that.

Ouch.

Oh, and he also said he loved me.

The parentheses in the next verse were there, with the exception of the ones I added to the last two lines:

But now I have finally seen the end (finally seen the end)
And I'm not expecting you to care (expecting you to care)
But I have finally seen the light (finally seen the light)
I have finally realized (realized)
I need (something more than) your love
I need (something much more than) your love...

And as difficult as that realization is, the clarity of his statement is a gift. As my therapist would say, it leaves me with a choice: Do I want to continue to pine after a man who isn't working his way back to us?

I do not.

Turn the Page

I heard this song driving home from the airport this evening:

On a long and lonesome highway, east of Omaha
You can listen to the engines
moanin' Out its one note song
You can think about the woman or the girl
You knew the night before

But your thoughts will soon be wandering
The way they always do
When you're ridin' sixteen hours
And there's nothin' much to do
And you don't feel much like riding
You just wish the trip was through

And here's the thing. My trip was through. I was back in Madison after my three days in DC, but part of me didn't feel home. Part of me felt like I was returning somewhere where something, and someone, are missing. Not a good feeling:

Here I am, On the road again
There I am, Up on the stage
There I go, Playin' star again
There I go, Turn the page

Perhaps it is time, as my friend suggested, to turn the page. Reluctantly.

Just for the record: It's the Metallica version I heard on the radio, and the one I hear in my head -- but this song was originally Bob Seger's...

Have a Little Faith in Me

This morning after my yoga practice, I got in my car and this song was playing:

When the road gets dark
And you can no longer see
Just let my love throw a spark
And have a little faith in me

And when the tears you cry
Are all you can believe
Just give these loving arms a try
And have a little faith in me
And

Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me

When your secret heart
Cannot speak so easily
Come here darlin'
From a whisper start
To have a little faith in me

And when your back's against the wall
Just turn around and you will see
I will catch, i will catch your fall baby
Just have a little faith in me

Well, I've been loving you for such a long time girl
Expecting nothing in return
Just for you to have a little faith in me
You see time, time is our friend
'Cause for us there is no end
And all you gotta do is have a little faith in me
I said I will hold you up, i will hold you up
Your love gives me strength enough
So have a little faith in me

Instead of feeling sad that having faith in my last partner didn't turn out so well, I considered it an invitation to have a little more faith in myself. Instead of investing time and energy in the past, I decided to take steps today toward my future. I sent another email out in hopes that as I become more able to articulate my vision, I will find the people in a position to help me realize it.

And it felt pretty darn good...

Problem

This morning I wasn't feeling too pumped about my practice, and I could tell it was more emotional than physical. When it came time for backbends, I really didn't want to do them, but I heard my teacher's voice in my head telling me that doing them on days like this was when they'd matter most. As I came up into the first one, the tears started to roll, but by number three, I started to feel liberated. After all six, I felt like I'd done what I needed for today so I did the last three poses, the closing chant, and hit savasana.

As I biked away from the studio, a song popped into my head that made me feel a little bit guilty and a whole lot lighter:

One less problem without ya!
I got!
One less problem without ya!
I got!
One less problem without ya!

I got one less, one less problem

And it's true. Without worrying about how it could work with my New Englander, I do have one less problem. And it's a big problem that has been taking up a lot of energy for a long time. Of course, there's a reason for that:

I know you're never gonna wake up
I gotta give up
But it's you!
I know I shouldn't ever call back
Or let you come back
But it's you!
Every time you touch me
And say you love me
I get a little bit breathless
I shouldn't want it
But it's you!

Head in the clouds
Got no weight on my shoulders
I should be wiser
And realize that I've got

Yeah, sometimes I've got my head in the clouds and no weight on my shoulders. Often, even. But not when I'm doing my backbends. Those babies make me wiser every single day by asking me to let go of the past and step forward into my future:

One less problem without ya!
I got!
One less problem without ya!
I got!
One less problem without ya!

I got one less, one less problem

Love Me Forever

Ahhhhhhh Autumnal Sunshine

Today I traveled to Milwaukee to go to a luncheon for an organization that is working hard to improve schools in Milwaukee. They work across all sectors -- choice, charter, public -- and they're extremely passionate about their work. I got to see some of my Milwaukee friends, be in the city, celebrate the success of this organization's first four years, and be re-energized about the work ahead.

When the luncheon finished, before getting back in my car, I took the liberty of taking a walk in the sunshine. Today was an absolutely gorgeous day, and while out on my walk, I came across some couches outside a hotel and decided to just sit a bit and bask in the sunshine. The music wafting out of the hotel was this song:

Love me (love me)
Love me forever (love me forever)
Take me (take me)
Make me your own

Promise (promise)
Promise you'll never (promise you'll never)
Leave me (leave me)
Lost and alone

Well y'all know he left me, and I've been feeling lost and alone, but something else happened today (later in the day) that was pretty great. I went to see my acupuncturist, and told her how I was feeling and what was going on with me. She listened, as usual, and then helped me reframe in a way that was super helpful. She said I don't have to stop loving my New Englander in order to "move on." This was a huge relief in and of itself, because I've tried, and I'm here to tell you, I cannot do it. I love him. I can't change that.

But she went even further, suggesting that staying in that love will help me connect with someone else. Now that kinda blows my mind, but tonight, as I imagine my lover, he is an amalgam of my New Englander and some other strong-armed man who can love me without reservation, the way I was able to love the man who, it seems, decided he loved mountains as much as he loved me:

Kiss me (kiss me)
Strongly and sweetly (strongly and sweetly)
Tell me (tell me)
You will be true

Love me (love me)
Love me completely (love me completely)
Now and forever
As I love you

(Love me)
(Love me forever)
(Take me)
(Make me your own)

Promise (promise)
Promise you'll never (promise you'll never)
Le-ee-eave me (leave me)
Lost and alone

I hope I can believe the next man who promises me that. I didn't think the last one would ever leave me lost and alone, and yet that is, in part, where I find myself...

I Wanna Get Better

I don't think I'd be doing nearly as well in this life without the support of friends. Especially at a time like this -- although with my last relationship, the time like this comes and goes and comes back again. Hopefully I've learned now what I needed to learn here, because in the words of a song a friend sent me this week:

I wanna get better

That I do. I'm tired of being stuck in a frustrated place:

While my friends were getting high and chasing girls down parkway lines
I was losing my mind 'cause the love, the love, the love, the love, the love
That I gave wasted on a nice face
In a blaze of fear I put a helmet on a helmet
Counting seconds through the night and got carried away
So now I'm standing on the overpass screaming at the cars,

"Hey, I wanna get better!"

Ok, so I'm screaming inside my car, but the effect is roughly similar.

Today I'm going to a wedding. I'm going solo, and I'm kinda hoping some lovely man will be going solo too. A man with whom I can move forward, into my future:

I didn’t know I was lonely 'til I saw your face
I wanna get better, better, better, better,
I wanna get better
I didn't know I was broken 'til I wanted to change
I wanna get better, better, better, better,
I wanna get better

Yes I do! And there's no time like the present for living the life I want to be living...

You Give Good Love

Either my internal jukebox is a masochist or, if I dig deep enough, I can find something uplifting about the song that came into my head and demanded to be sung tonight:

I found out what I've been missing
Always on the run
I've been looking for someone

Now you're here like you've been before
And you know just what I need
It took some time for me to see
That you give good love to me baby
So good, take this heart mine into your hands
You give good love to me
Never too much
Baby you give good love

It's hard for a literal girl like me not to hear the lines "now you're here like you've been before and you know just what I need" and think about my ex coming back and being everything I thought he was, everything I dreamed he could be. But maybe the message is more about oneness. Maybe the man who is about to give me good love has learned his lessons about love. Maybe, just maybe, he knows just what I need because it's what he needs too, massively simplifying what was a very difficult process of discernment and bewilderment with the man from the East who didn't really know what he needed.

Never stopping, I was always searching
For that perfect love
The kind that girls like me dream of

I didn't feel like I was searching for it when I found it, but that's because I didn't know what I was looking for. But now I do, or at least, I have a much better idea than I did before my last relationship:

Now you're here like you've been before
And you know just what I need
It took some time for me to see
That you give good love to me baby
So good, take this heart of mine into your hands
You give good love to me
Never too much
Baby you give good love

Yes, please, take this heart of mine into your hands, Universe. Only this time, bring me a man to love who can not only love me right back but who will revel in the force of that love rather than run from it...

Fight Test

I really, really like The Flaming Lips, but sometimes I forget about them. Luckily, ipod shuffle pulled this one out for me today:

I thought I was smart, I thought I was right
I thought it better not to fight
I thought there was a virtue in always being cool

So it came time to fight, I thought I'll just step aside
And that the time would prove you wrong
And that you would be the fool

I don't know where the sunbeams end
And that the starlights begin
It's all a mystery

Oh, to fight is to defend
If it's not now then tell me when would be the time
That you would stand up and be a man

For to lose I could accept
But to surrender I just wept
And regretted this moment, oh that I, I was the fool

I don't know where the sunbeams end
And that the starlights begin
It's all a mystery

And I don't know how a man decides
What's right for his own life
It's all a mystery

Cause I'm a man, not a boy
And there are things you can't avoid
You have to face them when you're not prepared to face them

Yes. This is what I need, Universe. A man who understands that last verse. And lives it:

If I could, I would
But you're with him, I'd do no good
I should have fought him but instead I let him, I let him take you

I was with him. But I'm not anymore. It's not easy, but it is freeing to come to a place of acceptance about what is:

And I don't know how a man decides
What's right for his own life
It's all a mystery

...and leave my ex alone to live his own life. Decide what's right for himself. That's not my job.

The test is over now

It's true. No more fighting it. Time to instead focus on unraveling the mystery of my own life...

Come On Up To The House

Yesterday I was feeling really upbeat, but today feels harder. Lucky for me, Tom Waits gets that:

Well the moon is broken
And the sky is cracked
Come on up to the house
The only things that you can see
Is all that you lack
Come on up to the house

All your cryin don't do no good
Come on up to the house
Come down off the cross
We can use the wood
Come on up to the house

I think that's Tom's very poetic way of telling me that the pity party is officially over. That it's getting to be time to dry my eyes and move on from a man who, it appears now, was just passin' through:

Come on up to the house
Come on up to the house
The world is not my home
I'm just a passin' through
Come on up to the house

Does life seem nasty, brutish and short
Come on up to the house
The seas are stormy
And you can't find no port
Come on up to the house
There's nothin' in the world

There's nothin in the world
that you can do
you gotta come on up to the house
and you been whipped by the forces
that are inside you
come on up to the house
well you're high on top
of your mountain of woe
come on up to the house
well you know you should surrender
but you can't let go
you gotta come on up to the house

Surrendering is hard, as is letting go, but I can do it. I know I can. I just have to come on up to the house...

Wild Child

Another of the talks preceding my parting with the New Englander had to do with what we hoped one another would take with us from the relationship. Mine for him revolved around issues of worthiness and self-love. His for me? A wish that I'll do a lot of mountain biking and skiing.

At first blush, this seems like kind of a superficial thing to say, and in some ways, it is. But they are the two most important things in his life, so by that measure, it really isn't. As one of my friends said, it's his love language. And it's true that constitutionally, with all of my fire, I am well-suited to both of these activities.

The trouble for me has been, particularly with mountain biking,  that I started doing it again (after about a 20 year hiatus) with him. I bought my bike with him. I first rode in all the places around here with him. Up until now, doing it without him has felt too hard. I've only ridden once since he left over a year ago, and that episode involved at least as much crying as it did riding.

But while I was in Maine, I decided that when I got back home, I would make the effort (later in September) to go to the place in the Midwest with the best mountain biking that I've experienced: Copper Harbor in the U.P. It's wayyyyy up there. Like 7 hours away. But it's so beautiful and so worth the trip. And one of the things I really learned from him is sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and do the long drive so you can get where you want to go. I'm trying to get some friends to go with me, but if I can't work that out, I'm going to go by myself. To reclaim it.

In the same vein, at the yoga class I went to yesterday I met a woman who is a mountain biker, and she said she'd ride with me around here, which made me feel like a whole new world will be opening up to me. One that contains other people who love these fun sports. And eventually, other dudes with beautiful arms and the fire to take on such activities in mid-life. Dudes whose home base is not the East Coast. Which gives me a lot more hope for my future than I had yesterday when I was still busy wallowing in self-pity because I didn't get the man I wanted. Or I got him. But I didn't get to keep him.

So today, after practicing yoga and then having brunch at a friend's house, I headed out to CamRock for some riding closer to home. It was a gorgeous summer day, and I had a lot of fun racing through the woods and prairie. I didn't even have any tears -- granted, I'd just had a session in the car where I screamed the words to my favorite breakup song ever -- One -- "You asked me to enter but then you made me crawl, I can't keep holding on, to what you got, when all you've got is hurt." And that little bit of music therapy helped me get some tears out of the way so I could just get out there on my bike and enjoy myself.

And as I rode, I heard the lyrics to this somewhat annoying but also pretty great song about the wildness in all of us -- a wildness that feels positively celebrated ripping trails on a mountain bike:

I am a wild child, yes I am
I love the country and I
I wanna run free and I
Don't wanna live up to anyone's plan
I wanna feel the good vibes and I
Wanna feel the sunshine with you,
By my side

I am, I am, I am, I am
I am a wild child, momma
You can, you can, you can, you can
You can hold me tight if you wanna
If you wanna hold me tonight

Take me where the music's playin'
Get me on the dancefloor
Pull me a little closer
I am a wild child, yes I am
I wanna feel the good vibes and I
Wanna feel the sunshine with you,
By my side

I am, I am, I am, I am
I am a wild child, momma
You can, you can, you can, you can
You can hold me tight if you wanna
If you wanna hold me tonight

I am, I am, I am, I am
I am a wild child, momma
You can, you can, you can, you can
You can hold me tight if you wanna
If you wanna hold me tonight

Yessiree, new man, mountain biker, and fellow wild child: You can hold me tight if you wanna -- but if you do -- please don't let go...

Another Story

I got up at 4:45am today so that I could join my friend for practice across town. I'm still tired from my trip and knew it wouldn't be easy to get up but I also knew I desperately needed the yoga and the friendship.

As I pulled up in front of the studio, this song was playing:

These are just flames
Burning in your fireplace
I hear your voice and it seems
As if it was all a dream
I wish it was all a dream

Yup, I can identify with that. I wish this whole saying goodbye to my love thing was all a dream. I'd never heard the song, but I liked it, so I stayed in the car and listened further:

I see a world
A world turning in on itself
Are we just like
Hungry wolves howling in the night
I don't want no music tonight

Can we go on like it once was

I sure do wish we could. But we couldn't get back there this week when we were together, so it's pretty difficult to see how we ever would.

Every time I hear another story
Oh the poor boy lost his head
Everybody feels a little crazy
But we go on living with it
Yeah they go on living with it

I'll tell you one thing
We ain't gonna change much
The sun still rises
Even with the pain

This is something I've confirmed since getting home. Even when it feels like it won't:

I'll tell you one thing
We ain't gonna change love
The sun still rises
Even through the rain

Can we go on like it once was
Can we go on like it once was

And when we can't go on like it once was, there's not much to do except keep showing up, even through the pain, even through the rain, even through feeling crazy:

Everybody feels a little crazy
Like it once was
Everybody feels a little crazy
Like it once was

And try to trust that eventually, it'll be ok. A friend of mine said to me this week when I called her in tears: "In the end it will be ok. If it's not ok, it's not the end."

Hmmm. I'm not sure exactly what that means, except that I'm going to get to the other side of all this darkness. And until I start to actually see the light and feel lighter, I'm going to have to do what we in Alanon call fake it 'til you make it...