I'm So Tired of Being Alone

The B4C team dashes from one school to the next

What an incredible, emotional day. After working my ass off for weeks to prepare, today I had the honor of bringing yoga to educators in three of Madison's public schools.

It was intense, it was rushed (see photo of us running down the hall of one school with our gear to get to the next school), but it was also beautiful, so beautiful.

Part of what was beautiful was holding space for these educators to take care of themselves, and part of it was our team. I feel so loved and seen and heard by the Breathe for Change team, and so blessed to be able to bring the practice of yoga -- which absolutely changed my life -- to so many educators.

It was also a hard day in some ways. I realized at the Breathe for Change healthy hour that I felt triggered by something that happened today -- maybe just being in contact with other people who went through what I went through but haven't yet unraveled it. I don't know.

I also felt acutely the lack of coupleness I had going on, with so many others there with romantic partners. I wanted nothing more than to go home and snuggle on the couch with my man, although that would be hard, because I don't have a man.

Cue Al Green here:

I'm so tired of being alone,
I'm so tired of on my own,
Won't you help me, girl,
Just as soon as you can.
People say that I've found a way,
To make you say,
That you love me.
But baby,
You didn't go for that,
Ha, it's a natural fact,
That I want to come back,
Show me where it's at, baby.

I'm so tired of being alone,
I'm so tired of on my own,
Won't you help me, girl,
Soon as you can.
I guess you know that I, uh,
I love you so,
Even though,
You don't want me no more,
Hey, hey, hey, hey I'm cryin' tears,
Through the years,
I tell you like it is,
Honey, love me if you can.

Ya baby,
Tired of being alone here by myself, now
I tell ya, I'm tired baby,
I'm tired of being all wrapped up late at night,
In my dreams, nobody but you, baby.
Sometimes I wonder,
If you love me like you say you do,
You see baby, I, I, I, I've been thinking about you,
I've been wanting to get next to you, baby,
Sometimes I hold my arms and I say,
Oh baby, yeah, needing you has proven to me,
To be my greatest dream, yeah

Awh!

I'm so tired of being alone,
I'm so tired of on my own,
Sometimes late at night I get to wonderin' about you baby,
Baby, baby, ya ya, baby you're my heart's desire

One of these days, I'll be in my heart's desire's arms, I just know it!

Take Me to the River

I was exhausted today when I got home from our road trip, so I took a big nap. And now here I am, at the end of the day, and I still feel super tired.

But as I went to lay my head on the pillow, this was the song I heard on the internal jukebox (yep, the one playing in my head was The Commitments' cover of Al Green's original):

I don't know why I love you like I do
After all these changes that you put me through
You stole my money and my cigarettes
And I haven't seen hide nor hair of you yet

I wanna know
Won't you tell me
Am I in love to stay?
Hey hey
Take me to the river
And wash me down
Won't you cleanse my soul
Put my feet on the ground

Perhaps reminding me that although I blogged about the road trip to Western Wisconsin, I neglected to mention that soon after I arrived at the party, I decided I needed to ride my bike down to the Mississippi River for a swim.

The party hostess expressed concern that I wouldn't be able to ride all the way back up again -- their cabin is on a bluff high above the Mississippi. I believe her exact words were "you'd have to have some strong legs to make it up all those hills."

I assured her that I had some strong legs, and those strong legs would be grateful for the action after 5 hours in the car.

So off I went, down to the river, wearing my bathing suit and fully intending to swim in the River once I got down there -- it was a super hot day.

But it wasn't easy to find a place to swim. I ended up at a spot called Cold Springs Landing, and I wound up dunking rather than swimming, but damn, did that mighty Mississippi feel amazing:

Hold me, love me, please me, tease me
Till I can't, till I can't take no more
Take me to the river

I wanna know
Take me to the river
I wanna know
I want you to dip me in the water
I wanna know
Won't you wash me in the water
Wash me in the water
Wash me in the water
Won't you wash me in the water
Feeling good

And that baptism was just what I needed to fuel my long journey uphill back to the cabin -- which by the way -- also included some critter excitement in the form of a rattlesnake and a fawn!

You Ought To Be With Me

This song came to me today after realizing, at therapy today, that I was holding on to the belief that there was only one man who could love me the way I want to be loved, which makes absolutely no sense, considering that he couldn't really, even when he did. Cryptic, I know. But my therapist helped me understand that once I allowed myself to be vulnerable with the New Englander I just sort of locked down on him, and when it didn't work, I just kept hoping it would and being sad that it didn't, as if it were the only option.

Here's hoping that today's session largely ended that belief and the accompanying feelings. Because now I'm on the lookout for someone who can show up, be present, attend to me and attend to himself. Sounds simple, and yet, in my last relationship anyway, there were many challenges even with those simple things.

So I think this song came as an invitation to my next man, whomever he is:

Sit right down and talk to me
About how you want to be
You ought to be with me
Ya, you ought to be with me

Thinkin' about what people do
Talkin' about how I love you
Thinkin' there's nothin' to what they say
You're gonna to be with me, anyway

They don't want to see us do
All of the dumb things we want to
You ought to be with me
Hey, you ought to be with me

You don't have to waste my time
If you want to be a friend of mine
You can be denied and walk away
And turn your back for another day

You ought to be the kind of girl
That can brighten this old world
And it's hard to see why you and me
Can't be together happily

I'm trying to realize
You being with some other guy
I don't know the reason why
You ought to be with me until I die

Hey, you ought to be with me until I die

I don't want to waste my time
If you want to be a friend of mine
I want to hold you tight, love you right
Put good feelin' in your night

I hope I don't have to wait too much longer to find out...

Change is Gonna Come

Tina Turner was a significant presence in my life when I was a party girl back in the day, and I was reflecting on how far we've both come when my Reiki practitioner put on a CD of her chanting at our last session. Tina has done interviews where she talks about what a huge difference becoming a Buddhist made in her life.

She talks in the interview about changing your life, which is powerful, but not nearly as powerful, in my opinion, as listening to her cover of this amazing Sam Cooke song:

I was born by the river in a little tent
And just like that river I've been running ever since
It's been a long time coming
But I know a change is gonna come, oh yes it will

It's been too hard living, but I'm afraid to die
Cos I don't know what's out there beyond the sky
It's been a long, a long time coming
But I know a change is gonna come, oh yes it will

I go to the movie
And I go downtown
somebody keep telling me don't hang around
It's been along time coming
But I know a change is gonna come, oh yes it will

Then I go to my brother
And I say brother help me please
But he winds up knockin' me
Back down on my knees

There were times when I thought I couldn't last for long
But now I think I'm able to carry on
It's been a long, a long time coming
But I know a change gone come, oh yes it will

Yep, changing is H-A-R-D. But love helps. It's an incentive, it's a support, it's a resting place, it's the payoff that makes all the hard work worthwhile.

Turns out, this song has been covered by a gazillion people, and each cover is at least as beautiful as the last, from Al Green to Aretha Franklin (looking super young and super cute!) to Otis Redding to Beyonce to Billy Preston to Seal (this one might just be my favorite although it is super hard to choose) to Lauryn Hill.

I'm So Tired of Being Alone

Last night when my kids and I got home, we realized that when we left, the garage door had closed most of the way and then gotten stuck on top of a flowerpot. Since the garage door lacks the reversing action, the power was dead by the time we got back. It was super frustrating, and I didn't know what to do about it, so I used my tried-and-true strategy of sleeping on it.

I awoke early in the morning with an insight: maybe I just needed to reset the fuse in order to restore power to the door!? I crept down to the basement with my flashlight and tried it -- but to no avail. I didn't know what to do. After I took my son to school, I went over to the neighbors to ask for help. So far I haven't identified any neighbors at this house like I had in my old neighborhood: People (mainly dudes) who'd come over and fix things whenever I was in a jam. I tried a different house than the one where I struck out last time, but she just gave me the name of a company to call. Not what I was hoping for, but I was pretty desperate, so I called.

The dude on the other end of the phone was not the helpful type either. He told me that he couldn't work on a door that doesn't reverse or have photo sensors. I said I really needed to get it working again and he said to detach the cord and pull it up manually. I didn't understand what he meant by "the cord" and I started to get upset.

I went into my room, both to cry, and to try to figure out the next step. I decided to call a handyman who'd previously done work on my house. I was hoping I could remain calm when I talked to him, but I ended up breaking down on the phone with him, which was embarrassing, but effective. He came over within the hour, and was up on a ladder trying to help me as I recounted my story about waking up early with the insight that I needed to reset the power, but I'd tried that, and it hadn't worked. And then we both glanced over at the mechanism for the door on the ceiling, spied a little black button, pressed it, and voila! Up went the door. I was super relieved. I thanked my knight in Carhartt profusely and off he went.

Back in the kitchen doing dishes, my inner jukebox pulled out the perfect song to express how I was feeling through this ordeal:

I'm so tired of being alone
I'm so tired of on-my-own
Won't you help me girl
Just as soon as you can?

And I realized that I've been basically alone with my homeownership for the five plus years since I left my marriage, and I'm tired of it. In this, too, I want a partner again, because:

I'm so tired of being alone
So tired of being alone
So tired of being alone
I'm so tired of being alone
So tired of being alone
So tired of being alone
I'm so tired of being alone
So tired of being alone
So tired of being alone

Let's Stay Together

Last weekend wasn't an easy one for the Archico family. I had to tell the kids that my boyfriend, someone they are both quite attached to, is going to be moving back East this summer. My daughter, in particular, had a hard time with the news. I did my best to comfort her, reassuring her that he wasn't leaving yet, and even when he does, he's going to remain in our lives.

On Sunday, our beloved New Englander came over to talk more with the kids about his plans and his reasons. We made a fire, played legos, had dinner together, and listened to Pandora. When this song came on, I just let Al sing what's in my heart for me:

I, I'm so in love with you
Whatever you want to do is all right with me
'Cause you make me feel so brand new
And I want to spend my life with you

Let me say that since, alright, since we've been together
Loving you forever is what I need
Oh let me be the one you come running to
I'll never be untrue

Oh let's, let's stay together
Lovin' you whether, whether
Times are good or bad, happy or sad, alright, oh yeah
Whether times are good or bad, happy or sad

Oh tell me why, why, why, why, why, why
Why people break up, turn around and make up
I can't see, you never, never, never do that to me
You better not do, staying around you is all I
All these eyes will ever see

Why won't you say that me, everybody says
That let's, let's stay together
Lovin' you whether, whether
Times are good or bad, happy or sad

Everybody says, "Let's, let's stay together
I'll keep on lovin' you whether, whether
Times are, oh times are good or times are bad
Whether, whether good or bad, happy or sad
Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah

I'm hoping we will stay together, even if we aren't geographically together for a while.

My Mom called tonight, and asked me how my man was doing. I filled her in on the news. "Does that make you really sad?" she asked. Through tears, I answered that it did, but that more than anything, I want him to be happy, and he's not happy here, particularly in the winter. And I told her how grateful I felt to be able to love someone this way. "It is a privilege, isn't it?" she said.

Yeah it is. And I think my kids and I can all feel how lucky we are to have such an amazing person in our lives. We certainly wouldn't want to limit his ability to feel amazing in his own skin. That would be a mean thing to do to him and to the world...