All Night

We had some fun on this visit. We went to cool places. We did some cool stuff.

Mostly, we were together. And that's the best part. It leaves both of us feeling so excited, and so at peace, with our decision to spend our lives together.

Yesiree, all night, for all the nights. And I couldn't be happier about that!

I found the truth beneath your lies
And true love never has to hide
Trade your broken wings for mine
I've seen your scars and kissed your crimes

So many people that I know, they're just tryna touch ya
Kiss up and rub up and feel up
Kiss up and rub up and feel up on ya
Give you some time to prove that I can trust ya again
I'm gonna kiss up and rub up and feel up
Kiss up and rub up and feel up on ya

All night long...
(All night yeah)

Good love
All night long...
(All night yeah)

Sweet love
All night long...
(All night yeah)

Love
All night long...
(All night yeah)

All I wanna
Be no other
Be together
I remember
Sweet love
All night long...

My love was stronger than your pride
Beyond your darkness I'm your light
You get deep you touch my mind
Baptize your tears and dry your eyes

So many people I know that they just trying to touch you
Kiss up and rub up and feel up
Kiss up and rub up and feel up on ya
Give you some time to prove that I can trust ya again
I'm gonna kiss up and rub up and feel up
Kiss up and rub up and feel up on ya

All night long...
(All night yeah)

Good love
All night long...
(All night yeah)

Sweet love
All night long...
(All night yeah)

Love
All night long...
(All night yeah)

All I wanna
Be no other
Be together
I remember
Sweet love
All night long...

They say true love's the greatest weapon
To win the war caused by pain
But every diamond has imperfections
But my love's too pure to watch it chip away

Boy nothing real can be threatened
True love breathes salvation back into me
With every tear came redemption
And my torturer became my remedy

So many people I know that they just trying to touch you
Kiss up and rub up and feel up
Kiss up and rub up and feel up on ya
Give you some time to prove that I can trust ya again
I'm gonna kiss up and rub up and feel up
Kiss up and rub up and feel up on ya

All night long...
(All night yeah)

Good love
All night long...
(All night yeah)

Sweet love
All night long...
(All night yeah)

Love
All night long...

All I wanna
Be no other
Be together
I remember
Sweet love
All night long...

How I missed you, my love

Irreplaceable

Yesterday was a particularly rough day in the files of healing from trauma. Flashbacks during practice, tears, inability to focus, etc. At the end of the day, when I was wondering how I was going to attend to my responsibilities, I texted my childhood friend.

"I have no idea how to deal with the pain that you have," she said. "Your strength is you. You are worthy of love and wholeness."

More tears, but this time, tears of relief at being seen, supported and loved.

And then I had a good sleep, got up, showered, and got in the car to drive to practice this morning.

On the way, I had Bey to reinforce that feeling of strength within:

You must not know about me, you must not know about me
I could have another you in a minute
Matter of fact, he'll be here in a minute, baby
You must not know about me, you must not know about me
I can have another you by tomorrow
So don't you ever for a second get to thinking
You're irreplaceable

So go ahead and get gone
Call up that chick and see if she's home
Oops, I bet you thought, that I didn't know
What did you think I was putting you out for
Because you was untrue
Rollin' her around in the car that I bought you
Baby drop them keys
Hurry up before your taxi leaves

Standing in the front yard
Tellin' me, how I'm such a fool
Talkin' bout, I'll never ever find a man like you
You got me twisted

What caused her pain may be different, but her power comes from knowing she made it through hell before, and she'll make it through again.

Same as mine, and for whatever reason, for me this lyric is like a powerful version of the saying God doesn't give anyone anything they can't handle:

You must not know about me, you must not know about me

Me, Myself and I

This process of disentangling the best parts of me from the fearful, I-need-to-fantasize-to-stay-alive, the-truth-is-too-painful-so-I-don't-want-to-see-it parts, is long, it's arduous and it can be very lonely.

Slowly, slowly, slowly I am realizing that my need/desire to check out of that process every so often is just making it harder, and no one brings that truth home to me faster or more clearly than my daughter.

Last night, after a series of yucky interactions with her, I was feeling lonely and frustrated. My favorite person to talk to about this dynamic and my part in it is the New Englander -- he has this way of seeing and celebrating both of us at the same time, and always seems to have helpful suggestions to help me navigate the situation -- but I couldn't call him.

I mean I could have, but I've recently more clearly identified the dynamic we keep falling into that isn't working for me, where we have a talk like the one I just described, and I go right back to that place of feeling he is my person so why isn't he here with me, only to find him still in the space where he doesn't know if he is my person or that he wants to be with me. And that doesn't help. It qualifies, instead, as a manifestation of my desire to check out of the process every so often that I referenced above. It fits squarely in the category of let's just pretend that this works because for now it is making me feel good. No. Not now that I can see how that keeps me locked in this cycle that puts me right back into abandoned little girl mode. That's not what I need for myself, and it certainly isn't what my daughter needs from me.

I found this song from Beyonce that expresses many elements of what I'm feeling this early morning.

There's the feeling of thinking you're sure of something only to find yourself repeatedly in a situation where it might make some sense to make room for the possibility that you're not:

I can't believe I believed
Everything we had would last...
...Silly of me to dream of
One day having your kids
Love is so blind
It feels right when it's wrong

I won't go as far to say that the love I feel for the New Englander is wrong, but I can admit that my willingness to suspend reality and go with the fantasy is alive and well within the context of the situation in which we now find ourselves.

And there's the feeling of self-empowerment, the one where I say hey, wait a minute, I am strong, I am wise, and I can do this on my own for right now, even if I don't want to:

Cuz I realized I got
Me myself and I
That's all I got in the end
That's what I found out
And it ain't no need to cry
I took a vow that from now on
I'm gonna be my own best friend

But I'm not going to go as far as Beyonce:

Me myself and I
I know that I will never disappoint myself
I must have cried a thousand times
All the ladies if you feel me
Help me sing it now
I can't regret all the times spent with you
Ya, you hurt me
But I learned a lot along the way
After all the rain
You'll see the sun come out again
I know that I will never disappoint myself

Because I do disappoint myself sometimes. I did last night, in fact, in some of the interactions with my daughter. But I'm ok with that. I understand that's all part of the healing process. And I'm on board with that, even when it's difficult...

Change is Gonna Come

Tina Turner was a significant presence in my life when I was a party girl back in the day, and I was reflecting on how far we've both come when my Reiki practitioner put on a CD of her chanting at our last session. Tina has done interviews where she talks about what a huge difference becoming a Buddhist made in her life.

She talks in the interview about changing your life, which is powerful, but not nearly as powerful, in my opinion, as listening to her cover of this amazing Sam Cooke song:

I was born by the river in a little tent
And just like that river I've been running ever since
It's been a long time coming
But I know a change is gonna come, oh yes it will

It's been too hard living, but I'm afraid to die
Cos I don't know what's out there beyond the sky
It's been a long, a long time coming
But I know a change is gonna come, oh yes it will

I go to the movie
And I go downtown
somebody keep telling me don't hang around
It's been along time coming
But I know a change is gonna come, oh yes it will

Then I go to my brother
And I say brother help me please
But he winds up knockin' me
Back down on my knees

There were times when I thought I couldn't last for long
But now I think I'm able to carry on
It's been a long, a long time coming
But I know a change gone come, oh yes it will

Yep, changing is H-A-R-D. But love helps. It's an incentive, it's a support, it's a resting place, it's the payoff that makes all the hard work worthwhile.

Turns out, this song has been covered by a gazillion people, and each cover is at least as beautiful as the last, from Al Green to Aretha Franklin (looking super young and super cute!) to Otis Redding to Beyonce to Billy Preston to Seal (this one might just be my favorite although it is super hard to choose) to Lauryn Hill.