Irreplaceable

Yesterday was a particularly rough day in the files of healing from trauma. Flashbacks during practice, tears, inability to focus, etc. At the end of the day, when I was wondering how I was going to attend to my responsibilities, I texted my childhood friend.

"I have no idea how to deal with the pain that you have," she said. "Your strength is you. You are worthy of love and wholeness."

More tears, but this time, tears of relief at being seen, supported and loved.

And then I had a good sleep, got up, showered, and got in the car to drive to practice this morning.

On the way, I had Bey to reinforce that feeling of strength within:

You must not know about me, you must not know about me
I could have another you in a minute
Matter of fact, he'll be here in a minute, baby
You must not know about me, you must not know about me
I can have another you by tomorrow
So don't you ever for a second get to thinking
You're irreplaceable

So go ahead and get gone
Call up that chick and see if she's home
Oops, I bet you thought, that I didn't know
What did you think I was putting you out for
Because you was untrue
Rollin' her around in the car that I bought you
Baby drop them keys
Hurry up before your taxi leaves

Standing in the front yard
Tellin' me, how I'm such a fool
Talkin' bout, I'll never ever find a man like you
You got me twisted

What caused her pain may be different, but her power comes from knowing she made it through hell before, and she'll make it through again.

Same as mine, and for whatever reason, for me this lyric is like a powerful version of the saying God doesn't give anyone anything they can't handle:

You must not know about me, you must not know about me

Rebel Yell

My little friend from the bike path this am!

Heard this song yesterday:

Last night a little dancer came dancin' to my door
Last night a little angel Came pumpin cross my floor
She said "Come on baby I got a license for love
And if it expires pray help from above"

...and the refrain stuck with me, as a refrain will do:

In the midnight hour she cried more, more, more
With a rebel yell she cried more, more, more
In the midnight hour babe more, more, more
With a rebel yell more, more, more

Especially on the day after I saw the man I was crushing hard on last fall for the first time in months. If I'd thought about seeing him before it happened, I would have predicted one of two outcomes:

1) I'd be over my crush; or

2) I'd get all flustered when I saw him.

Neither one of these things happened. Instead, we gave each other a giant, super satisfying hug, the way we always did, and then we talked. Heart to heart. Pretty immediately, the way we do. Or did.

And as I stared into his eyes, all I could think was "Wow, you are so beautiful. I love looking into your eyes. I love the way your body feels when you hug me. I love when your eyes well up with tears when I say something that gets to you. Damn, my ardor hasn't dimmed one little bit in the months since I've seen you."

And, I'm not gonna lie, when he walked away, I also had some Billy Idol-related thoughts:

More, more, more

Because that's what I've always felt when I see this man. I want more of him than he is ready or willing or able to give. That's why we stopped hanging out:

She don't like slavery, she won't sit and beg
But when I'm tired and lonely she sees me to bed
What set you free and brought you to be me babe
What set you free I need you here by me
Because

In the midnight hour she cried more, more, more
With a rebel yell she cried more, more, more
In the midnight hour babe more, more, more
With a rebel yell more, more, more

I didn't want to put myself through another version of what I went through with the New Englander, where he wasn't ready to partner with me because he hadn't worked through his previous marriage or the vestiges of his childhood.

I still don't. So I let myself send him one text saying how beautiful and good-feeling I find him, and that I know the timing isn't right for us, but I appreciated seeing him as a reminder that I want to feel those feelings about the next man I date.

Well, that and more, more, more - someone willing to go that thousand miles the rebel yeller sings about:

I walked the ward with you, babe
A thousand miles with you
I dried your tears of pain, babe
A million times for you

I'd sell my soul for you babe
For money to burn with you
I'd give you all, and have none, babe
Just, just, justa, justa to have you here by me
Because

In the midnight hour she cried more, more, more
With a rebel yell she cried more, more, more
In the midnight hour babe more, more, more
With a rebel yell she cried more, more, more
More, more, more

Oh yeah little baby
She want more
More, more, more, more, more

Survivor

This morning on my run around the Arboretum, I wasn't feeling strong. I wasn't feeling energetic. I decided to listen to Alternative Workout to see if that would help, but it didn't do too much.

A couple of miles into it, I passed a woman who I could tell was doing the same loop. She didn't look like she was doing too well, and I found myself judging her for looking like she was struggling. Fast forward another mile, and the same woman passed me!

"Oh no you don't." I thought to myself. "Whatever you've got in that tank of yours, I guarantee you I've got more." And I sped up, passed her, and kept running at a much faster pace than I had been.

I know this scene isn't particularly pretty, and I'm not proud of the judgment. But I was glad to get in touch with my inner strength. I'm gonna need it as I head into yoga weekend number two. I'm sure more openings -- not all of them comfortable -- are coming.

I do have an incredible well of strength. I also have an incredible inner juke box -- so sure of what it wants to hear that during my run it played a song in my head even as my headphones were filled with another one:

I'm a survivor (What?)
I'm not gon give up (What?)
I'm not gon stop (What?)
I'm gon work harder (What?)
I'm a survivor (What?)
I'm gonna make it (What?)
I will survive (What?)
Keep on survivin' (What?)

I am a survivor. And while it doesn't feel great that life feels more like surviving than easy living this week, I'd rather be a survivor than the alternative...

I'm a survivor (What?)
I'm not gon give up (What?)
I'm not gon stop (What?)
I'm gon work harder (What?)
I'm a survivor (What?)
I'm gonna make it (What?)
I will survive (What?)
Keep on survivin' (What?)