Outside

Future home of stickie notes to organize my book

The Universe is in alignment with me and my book project. Here are a couple of ways I know this to be true:

1) After a meeting with a colleague, I asked her about the huge boards she had leaning up in her office with stickie notes on them. I told her it would be great to have one to organize the different sections of my book, and she gave me one!

2) During the course of the conversation, I told her what my book was about. When I walked out of her office and into the stairwell, a woman ran after me to tell me that the experience I described of trying to piece together what happened in my childhood because I disassociated
from my body for three decades was the same experience she had. We went to lunch this week, and it was helpful to compare notes and support each other in the very difficult work of reintegration.

Today while I was putting away clothes in my room, a song came on Spotify about being on the outside looking in. I thought it was this one, turns out it wasn't, but it's still apropos of the conversation I had at lunch with my sister in healing:

And you
Can bring me to my knees
Again
All the times
That I could beg you please
In vain
All the times
That I felt insecure
For you
And I leave
My burdens at the door

But I'm on the outside
I'm looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
'Cause inside you're ugly
You're ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you

My lunchmate talked a lot about feeling this way, to the point of not wanting to do yoga in a studio with other people. She also talked about feeling that she had nothing left in her to do the work of healing from what she went through - like she wants to, for her kids, but she just kind of doesn't have it in her:

All the times
That I felt like this won't end
It's for you
And I taste
What I could never have
It was from you
All the times
That I've cried
My intentions
Full of pride
But I waste
More time than anyone

I know from my own experience that it takes a good deal of healing to get to the point where you feel you have the strength to take on the hard work of unlearning all that has held you back in this life -- these rockers, whoever they are (I've never heard of this band) - seem to know the feeling:

All the times
That I've cried
All this wasted
It's all inside
And I feel
All this pain
Stuffed it down
It's back again
And I lie
Here in bed
All alone
I can't mend
But I feel
Tomorrow will be okay

I know now that tomorrow is ok, but I remember a time when I wasn't sure about that, which is just one of the reasons I want to write this book...

Unknown Legend

Riding my bike after practice today, I heard this song in my head, from one of my very favorite voices:

She used to work in a diner
Never saw a woman look finer
I used to order just to watch
her float across the floor
She grew up in a small town
Never put her roots down
Daddy always kept movin',
so she did too

In particular, these next two lines are the ones that were on repeat:

Somewhere on a desert highway
She rides a Harley-Davidson
Her long blonde hair
flyin' in the wind
She's been runnin' half her life
The chrome and steel she rides
Collidin' with
the very air she breathes
The air she breathes

I'm focusing right now, as much as I can on simple things like breathing, during this in-between time that ain't easy at all:

You know it ain't easy
You got to hold on
She was an unknown legend
in her time
Now she's dressin' two kids
Lookin' for a magic kiss
She gets the far-away look
in her eyes

Lucky for me, my kids don't require dressin' anymore. They are beautiful, fully formed people with a strong sense of who they are, who they want to be, and just as important, who they don't want to be.

Meanwhile, nearly five decades into this life, I'm continuing to develop my own sense of that. I think the pull for me, coming from the family I did, to put my man first, is not to be underestimated. As one of my yoga teachers said: "I don't think you knew there was another option."

Indeed I didn't, but I do now. Now I choose to value my own peace of mind and heart over any man's, including one I love dearly.

And I choose to do what makes me happy -- riding my bike, going to yoga, and listening to Neil in my head:

Somewhere on a desert highway
She rides a Harley-Davidson
Her long blonde hair
flyin' in the wind
She's been runnin' half her life
The chrome and steel she rides
Collidin' with the very
air she breathes
The air she breathes

Badass Woman

Today I went to the Women in Leadership symposium, and the keynote speaker starting talking about the sexual assault she survived in her childhood. I watched while people around me started to squirm uncomfortably, grateful that this woman had the courage to share her story. She talked about how it took away her joy, and her personal agency, and how she got it back. It wasn't perfectly told to serve as a keynote at this particular conference -- the ties to leadership were not really made -- but I think we have to start somewhere with talking about the sexual assault that keeps so many people from shining with their whole selves and what can be done about it.

This woman's story was that in order to be at peace with what happened to her, she had to go back to the scene where it happened and face her fear. How this helped her remember the joy she embodied before the assault, and what it might look like to reclaim it. She also talked about how empowering it was for her, when this same man was accused of a crime, to tell her story in order to round out the picture of who this man was so that he did not get released prematurely. How the combination of these two things helped her reclaim her life.

How her theme song is Badass Woman:

I’m a badass woman (Ooh)
What’s wrong with that?
Can’t hold me back
Yeah, I’m a badass woman
Just made like that
But I’m proud of that
‘Cause I’m a badass woman

Never second guess me
‘Cause, baby, I’m the boss
Don’t underestimate me
‘Cause I’m the one in charge

I am smarter than you give me credit for
And I’m way stronger than I ever been before
I’m a force of nature that you can’t ignore
You can’t ignore, you can’t ignore no more

As for me, I'm still working on telling my story. I'm still discovering what it takes to reclaim my joy.

And my theme song is everchanging...

Just a Friend

I had a terrible dream last night. I dreamt that my son was trying to climb out of the water and an alligator had a hold of his ankle and was pulling him back in.

It was one of those where I could easily trace the origin of it -- my son had reported that there has been a bunch of violence in Seattle on or near campus recently, I'd just seen an episode of Atlanta with an alligator in it, and my kids got attacked by otters in a lake 7 or 8 years ago (bizarre but true, I even blogged about it here).

Of course, the fact that I understood it didn't make it any less disturbing. Ain't that always the way? I feel like it is. I had a rough week. I got triggered. I understood what was happening but it didn't really make it any easier to deal with it -- at least, I don't think it did. Maybe the awareness is in some way helpful - no, I'm sure it is -- but my point is that it is no less painful.

In addition to characters with pet alligators, Atlanta has a sweet soundtrack that includes happy blasts from the past like this song:

Have you ever met a girl that you tried to date
But a year to make love, she wanted you to wait?
Let me tell ya a story of my situation
I was talkin' to this girl from the U.S. nation
The way that I met her was on tour at a concert
She had long hair and a short miniskirt
I just got onstage drippin', pourin' with sweat
I was walkin' through the crowd and guess who I met
I whispered in her ear, 'Come to the picture booth
So I can ask you some questions to see if you are a hundred proof'
I asked her her name, she said 'blah-blah-blah'
She had 9/10 pants and a very big bra
I took a couple of flicks and she was enthused
I said, 'How do you like the show?'
she said, 'I was very amused'
I started throwin' bass, she started throwin' back mid-range
But when I sprung the question, she acted kind of strange
Then when I asked, 'Do ya have a man?' she tried to pretend
She said, 'No I don't, I only have a friend'
Come on, I'm not even goin' for it
This is what I'm goin' sing
You, you got what I need but you say he's just a friend
And you say he's just a friend, oh baby
You, you got what I need but you say he's just a friend
But you say he's just a friend, oh baby
You, you got what I need but you say he's just a friend
But you say he's just a friend
So I took blah-blah's word for it at this time
I thought just havin' a friend couldn't be no crime
'Cause I have friends and that's a fact
Like Agnes, Agatha, Germaine, and Jacq
Forget about that, let's go into the story
About a girl named blah-blah-blah that adored me
So we started talkin', getttin' familiar
Spendin' a lot of time so we can build up
A relationship or some understanding
How it's gonna be in the future we was plannin'
Everything sounded so dandy and sweet
I had no idea I was in for a treat
After this was established, everything was cool
The tour was over and she went back to school
I called every day to see how she was doin'
Everytime that I called her it seemed somethin' was brewin'
I called her room, a guy picked up, and then I called again
I said, 'Yo, who was that?' 'Oh, he's just a friend'
Don't gimme that, don't ever gimme that
Jus' bust this
You, you got what I need but you say he's just a friend
And you say he's just a friend, oh baby
You, you got what I need but you say he's just a friend
But you say he's just a friend, oh baby
You, you got what I need but you say he's just a friend
But you say he's just a friend
So I came to her college on a surprise visit
To see my girl that was so exquisite
It was a school day, I knew she was there
The first semester of the school year
I went to a gate to ask where was her dorm
This guy made me fill out a visitor's form
He told me where it was and I was on my way
To see my baby doll, I was happy to say
I arrived in front of the dormitory
'Yo, could you tell me where is door three?'
They showed me where it was for the moment
I didn't know I was in for such an event
So I came to her room and opened the door
Oh, snap! Guess what I saw?
A fella tongue-kissin' my girl in the mouth,
I was so in shock my heart went down south
So please listen to the message that I send
Don't ever talk to a girl who says she just has a friend
ayyy boi

You got what I need...

Homecoming

Me out enjoying the change in the weather

This beautiful song was playing in the background on Billions the other day, and it spoke to me:

I feel a change in the weather
I feel a change in me
The days are getting shorter and the birds begin to leave
Even me, yes, yes, y'all
Who has been so long alone
I'm headed home
Headed home
The nights are getting colder now
And the air is getting crisp
I first tasted the universe on a night like this
A box of wine, and I'll abide
In the hunger in her eyes
In a place where the tree of good and evil still resides
Still resides
Homecoming
Homecoming, homecoming
She said show me what you got, babe
I'm not like other girls
Just give me your bad self
And a place for us to make a stand and I can move the world
Lift the valley from the floor, honey
It'll turn to the sky
They'll say that it's a miracle and you'll know damn well they're right
Damn well they're right
Homecoming now (don't go away now)
Homecoming, homecoming (don't go away now)
Homecoming now (don't go away now)
Homecoming, homecoming (don't go away now)
When the oracle spoke to me she was like a roadside song (don't go away now)
Do unto others as you would have them do
Even if in turn they do you wrong (hey now)
This town right here is my everything
Though I've been torn away (don't go away now)
It has my heart
It has my heart
They stole my heart
My heart is there (hey now)
My heart is there
My heart is there, my heart is there (don't go away now)
Get just a little bit high
Get a little tongue tied
Gonna try to find whatever ever made time
That kind of immemorial
That time before the fall, yeah
That time before the autumn
Really turned the corner
Drive east of Eden
Till we start to feel the west
We were never far from nowhere
You could see it from the edge of town
Honey, baby, wonder how it feel now
Somehow I can't believe that it could feel like the before, but
The air's getting colder now
The nights are getting crisp
I first tasted the universe on a night like this
And I'll abide a box of wine
And the hunger in her eyes
In a place where the tree of good and evil still resides
Homecoming
Homecoming, homecoming (homecoming)
Homecoming
Homecoming, homecoming (homecoming)
Homecoming
Homecoming, homecoming (don't go away now)
Homecoming (don't go away now)
Homecoming, homecoming
Homecoming
Homecoming, homecoming

I do indeed feel a change in the weather, inside and outside.

Outside, winter is really setting in. It's colder. And snowier.

Inside, there's more movement. And more flexibility.

And I'm so grateful...

Jesus, etc.

A photo of one of said holidays - dang my Grandpa was sad!

I've always wished I was one of those people for whom holidays were joyous occasions to get together with loving relatives who bring out the best in each other. I try not to wish things had been different, but sometimes I'm guilty of doing just that. I think we all are.

Luckily, I have managed to create a peaceful loving home with my little family of four.


But growing up, holidays were confusing. They were a time when the stark contrast between how I felt on the inside and how things looked on the outside was greatest, making them extremely difficult for me.

We now know, as I've written about before, that the body holds on to feelings that it wasn't able to feel at the time. We don't get to control when they come out. There are some very effective means of keeping them in -- drinking alcohol is one that my family seems to prefer most -- but the problem with that method is the old feelings then continue to get held in the body, weighing everything down.

I've been working hard over the last decade or so - so very hard - to understand, to release, to accept, to forgive, to witness, to share - my own experience, and this has meant making the decision to feel.

The cousin joy I desperately want to facilitate

On Friday, December 21, a few days before Christmas, I went to see one of my bodyworkers. I have been working with him for close to 10 years - -he has been helping my skeleton find its way back to it's natural, more mobile state. For the first time, he worked extensively with my pubic bone and pelvis, a place where I've stored a lot of trauma. I recount this because I think it's related to the events of December 23.

I made a plan for the four of us to go skiing at Cascade and stay overnight at an Air Bnb in Montello with my sister and her family. I love my sister and her children, and a big part of me wanted to go.

Another part started to make her needs known the day before: I started feeling triggered. By now I know the signs that I'm under the spell of my PTSD: I was hypervigilant, I was nervous, I was irritable, I was angry, I couldn't sleep, I wanted to drink to forget. But I didn't listen. I overrode those feelings, and I pressed on with the plan.

I will never ignore them again.

Because what transpired on Sunday, December 23, on the way to skiing with my sister's family, was so awful, so beyond my control, and so traumatizing for my own children that I never, ever want to go there again.

I can recount what happened, but I'm not sure it will help anyone understand it. I was stopped at a point in the journey where I wasn't sure which way to go. I consulted Google Maps, and it failed to help me determine which way to turn.

And then I lost it. Like, lost it like I never have before. I screamed. My son tried to tell me I could go either way. I screamed louder. Everything that either of my children said made it worse. I continued to drive while both children were in tears, begging me to let my daughter drive instead. I simply could not cede the little bit of control I had left. In those moments, my children did not feel like my children, and I did not feel like myself. I was not in my body.

Such a strong, resilient kid I've got, and a ski lover to boot

I feel so much regret that they had to see me that way. I wish it hadn't happened like that. But now they know why I'm still in therapy. And now when I say to them, as I have, "I never wanted you to experience having an out-of-control parent the way I did as a child," they know more about what my experience was like. Maybe they needed to know more? I don't know. God knows I wish I could have spared them. I certainly understand more about what those moments were like for my parents, especially my mother, and I'm grateful for that too.

Most of all, I'm profoundly grateful that no one was physically injured. I'm also grateful for my therapist, who said to me "Yes, you went off the rails, and you needed to get off those rails." Another of my healers - a neurovascular therapist described that my insides after that event were "a whole new landscape" - that before, everything I felt was tamped down, and then the gasket blew. My yoga teacher asked me what I needed in that moment in the car, and when I said I didn't know, she said she thought I needed help. I began to sob. Yes, that makes sense. It makes perfect sense that the help I couldn't ask for and never received as a child was the need I so desperately felt and was finally able to express, albeit more crudely than I would have liked.

Phew. So what does this song have to do with all of this? A couple of things. One, I know that my children and I are protected by forces beyond anything we can understand rationally, by Jesus, Etc., and for this I am incredibly grateful.

Two, there are parts of me that are similar to my parents that I haven't felt the need to fight against in the same way. One of these is my love for TV. One of my new shows is Billions. It's sooooo good.

And on a recent episode, two of my favorite characters were discussing this song:

My treasured musicians, the day after

Jesus, don't cry
You can rely on me honey
You can combine anything you want
I'll be around
You were right about the stars
Each one is a setting sun

Tall buildings shake
Voices escape singing sad sad songs
Tuned to chords strung down your cheeks
Bitter melodies turning your orbit around

Don't cry
You can rely on me honey
You can come by any time you want
I'll be around
You were right about the stars
Each one is a setting sun

Tall buildings shake
Voices escape singing sad sad songs
Tuned to chords strung down your cheeks
Bitter melodies turning your orbit around

It does't exactly retell the story of December 23, but it kinda does...

To Build a Home

Love, love, love when my home contains a fire in the fireplace

I went to a Feng Shui workshop recently, and the leader said that the basement represents our subconscious. She told a story about a woman who paid her husband to go in the basement.  I realized that I had been afraid to go in the basement for the past few years, and relied on my man and my kids to go instead of me as much as I possibly could.

I'm going to overcome this fear. I'm going to wade into my subconscious.

And like The Cinematic Orchestra, I'm going to (re)build a home in more ways than one:

There is a house built out of stone
Wooden floors, walls and window sills
Tables and chairs worn by all of the dust
This is a place where I don't feel alone
This is a place where I feel at home
'Cause, I built a home
For you
For me
Until it disappeared
From me
From you
And now, it's time to leave and turn to dust
Out in the garden where we planted the seeds
There is a tree as old as me
Branches were sewn by the color of green
Ground had arose and passed it's knees
By the cracks of the skin I climbed to the top
I climbed the tree to see the world
When the gusts came around to blow me down
I held on as tightly as you held onto me
I held on as tightly as you held onto me
And, I built a home
For you
For me
Until it disappeared
From me
From you
And now, it's time to leave and turn to dust

Not just yet. It's still time to work on truly living...

That I Would Be Good

And in this new jacket, I feel good too

I had so much unlearning to do when I embarked on my healing journey, and on the way I've met some powerful teachers who have given me powerful lessons.

Among the most powerful was this message, that I was to repeat to myself when I got other less desirable messages:

I am the essence of pure goodness
My goodness does not depend on my actions or the actions of others

It took a while, but I came to believe this for myself, and to teach this to my kids and my man.

Turns out, Alanis has been working with a similar message:

That I would be good even if I did nothing
That I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
That I would be good if I got and stayed sick
That I would be good even if I gained ten pounds
That I would be fine even if I went bankrupt
That I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
That I would be great if I was no longer queen
That I would be grand if I was not all knowing
That I would be loved even when I numb myself
That I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
That I would be loved even when I was fuming
That I would be good even if I was clingy
That I would be good even if I lost sanity
That I would be good
Whether with or without you

My Oh My

I've been listening to Brene Brown's Rising Strong in the car for the past few weeks. It's powerful, and it's speaking to me, as all of her books have.

The basic message is that we can't skip over the messy part. We can't just say that failure leads to growth without talking about what is required for that growth: the pain, the shame, the rumble as she calls it.

At one point she mentions this song as one that she listens to on repeat when she's in the hard part:

What on earth is going on in my heart?
Has it turned as cold as stone?
Seems these days I don't feel anything
‘Less it cuts me right down to the bone
What on earth is going on in my heart?

My oh my you know it just don't stop
It's in my mind I wanna tear it up
I've tried to fight it tried to turn it off
But it's not enough
It takes a lotta love
It takes a lotta love my friend
To keep your heart from freezing
To push on ‘til the end

My oh my

What on earth is going on in my head?
You know I used to be so sure
You know I used to be so definite
Thought I knew what love was for
I look around these days and I'm not so sure

My oh my, you know it just don't stop
It's in my mind I wanna tear it up
I've tried to fight it tried to turn it off
But it's not enough
It takes a lotta love
It takes a lotta love my friend
To keep your heart from freezing
To push on till the end

My oh my, you know I just can't win
I burn it down it comes right back again
What kinda world is this we're living in
Where you never win
It takes a lotta love
It takes a lotta love these days
To keep your heart from freezing
To keep your spirit free
My oh my

My oh my you know it just don't stop
It's in my mind I wanna tear it up
I've tried to fight it tried to turn it off
But it's not enough
It takes a lotta love
It takes a lotta love my friend
To keep your heart from freezing
To push on till the end

So. Much. Love.

Good thing we've all got an infinite supply...

New Version of You

Savasanahhhhhhhhhhh

A few months ago, I joined Tantra, a wonderful yoga community led by a very talented teacher. And in that space, I've learned the value of rest.

Engaging in restorative postures over the past few months has helped me heal in ways I was never going to heal with vigorous activity, and I'm grateful for that.

One of the mindless shows I watch while doing chores, Felicity, changed its theme song part was through its life. When I heard this new one, I thought of the new version of me I've been cultivating at Tantra and beyond:

Can you become
Can you become
A new version of you
New wallpaper
New shoe leather
A new way home
I don't remember
New version of you
I need a new version of me
New version of you
I need a new version of me

Yes.

I can.

And I have...

Shame On You

This woman was forever changed as of 11/9/16

I read a great Op-ed today by Michelle Goldberg about why Franken is stepping down while Trump stays in office.

It had a lot of powerful lines, among them:

1) "A great many liberal women were forever changed when they saw the grotesque beauty pageant impresario defeat the first female major-party candidate for president."

2) "As Susan Fowler, a former engineer at Uber who exposed a pervasive culture of sexual harassment at that company, told Time: “When Trump won the election, I felt a crushing sense of powerlessness. And then I realized that I had to do something.”

3) "But ultimately, the cultural currency of the #MeToo movement is not a substitute for political power. The incendiary rage unleashed by Trump’s election needs to be directed back at him. Otherwise, only those who already advocate women’s equality will be forced to grant it."

Yup, yup and yup, and on that last one: even when they do, like Al Franken, they'll do it by not admitting that what they did was wrong. So. Disappointing.

My own biggest revelation about the #metoo movement is that only certain stories make it onto Facebook. They are the catcalled, the groped, the date raped. These stories are valid and important, but they are not all inclusive of the ways in which sexual harassment and assault affect people's lives. There are still some stories that remain largely hidden, and the cost of that is quite high: children growing up with their sense of selves, their sense of love, their sense of intimacy, their sense of sexuality compromised.

This song came to me head while contemplating all of this. It's one that I heard before I knew I was carrying around a mountain of shame myself:

My friends they wash the windows and they shine in the sun
They tell me wake up early in the morning sometime
See what a beautiful job we done I say let's put on some tunes sing along dolittle all day
Go down to the riverside take off our shoes wash these sins away
The river said la la la shame on you I go down to Chicano city park cause it makes me feel so fine
When the weeds go down you can see up close in the dead of winter time
But when the summer comes everything's in bloom and you wouldn't know it's there
The white folks like to pretend it's not but their music's in the air
You can hear them singing la la la shame on you You can feel them dancing la la la shame on you
My friend Tanner she says you know me and Jesus we're of the same heart
The only thing that keeps us distant is that I keep fuckin up I said come on down to Chicano city park
wash your blues away the beautiful ladies walk on by You know I never know what to say
They'll be singing oo la la shame on you
Let's go road block trippin in the middle of the night up in Gainesville town
There'll be blue lights flashin down the long dirt road when they ask me to step out
They say we be looking for illegal immigrants can we check your car

I say you know it's funny I think we were on the same boat back in 1694 I said oo la la shame on you

I don't really wish shame on anyone.  As Brene Brown teaches, guilt is "I did something wrong; shame is "I am wrong."

Guilt can be useful as a cue for taking responsibility for ourselves and our actions. Shame keeps us small.

As I said a few posts back, I've worked really hard to hand back the shame I was carrying around -- turns out, it wasn't mine...

Windfall

Arrival at Wyalusing State Park: Rear view

Thanksgiving. A day of gratitude.

Traditionally, it has been a tough day for me.

Not this year.

This year, I made homemade cranberry relish, put it on a couple of sandwiches, and had a picnic supper with my boyfriend at Wyalusing State Park.

I appreciate so many things about him, among them:

1) He is always game for an adventure, even when that means 1 hr 45 min in the car in both directions;

2) He makes me laugh: When I pulled him in to kiss him while we were getting ready to ride, he complied, laughing and saying "This looks like one of those obligatory makeout sessions with one shoe on." Yup. Pretty much.

3) He appreciates sunshine, the outdoors and physical activity at least as much as I do;

Soooo grateful to spend my turkey day with this sweet man!

4) He doesn't need a big meal with lots of people around a table because that's what other people do;

5) He gave me his old mountain bike when he got a new one and it's AWESOME;

6) When I ride up next to him he admires his old bike lovingly;

7) His taste in music, which includes this number that we listened to on the way home:

Beautiful day, Beautiful Spot, Beautiful Bikes, Beautiful Love

Now and then it keeps you running
It never seems to die
The trail's spent with fear
Not enough living on the outside
Never seem to get far enough
Staying in between the lines
Hold on to what you can
Waiting for the end
Not knowing when

May the wind take your troubles away
May the wind take your troubles away
Both feet on the floor, two hands on the wheel
May the wind take your troubles away

Trying to make it far enough, to the next time zone
Few and far between past the midnight hour
You never feel alone, you're really not alone

Switching it over to AM
Searching for a truer sound
Can't recall the call letters
Steel guitar and settle down

Catching an all-night station somewhere in Louisiana
It sounds like 1963, but for now it sounds like heaven
May the wind take your troubles away
May the wind take your troubles away
Both feet on the floor, two hands on the wheel
May the wind take your troubles away

May the wind take your troubles away
May the wind take your troubles away

Yeah.... the wind, years and years of therapy, loving and being loved by two amazing kids, my yoga practice, my friends, my own significant fortitude, and this incredible man of mine... have taken (most of) my troubles away...

Praying

Solo late Fall trip to Devil's Lake - so lovely!

I'm really digging this song right now. Like really digging it.

Maybe because I can so super relate to these words:

"Am I dead? Or is this one of those dreams? Those horrible dreams that seem like they last forever? If I am alive, why? Why? If there is a God or whatever, something, somewhere, why have I been abandoned by everyone and everything I've ever known? I've ever loved? Stranded. What is the lesson? What is the point? God, give me a sign, or I have to give up. I can't do this anymore. Please just let me die. Being alive hurts too much."

Well, you almost had me fooled
Told me that I was nothing without you
Oh, and after everything you've done
I can thank you for how strong I have become

'Cause you brought the flames and you put me through hell
I had to learn how to fight for myself
And we both know all the truth I could tell
I'll just say this is I wish you farewell

Yep. All that.

I keep having dreams, sometimes terrible dreams. When this happens, I wake up in the middle of the night unable to get back to sleep. I startle at my boyfriend's touch. It's no fun at all.

But there's no other way for me than being awake and alive to all of it. Even though it is difficult for my children that I needed to wish my parents farewell.  I know in my heart and in body that it is the right thing for me.

And I know this, in part, because when I stopped being a part of their narrative, stopped holding on to their shame and taking care of their needs at my own expense, things changed for me. My body changed. The way I treat myself changed. The way I feel about what I went through changed. I lived for so many years with so much shame. When memories came up, I felt disgust. I felt shame. I felt I was wrong.

Now I often feel sad when these experiences come up, but never ashamed. I know that I was a child navigating my world to the best of my ability.

I also often feel fear. I hope someday I won't, that maybe I have to feel the fear I didn't let myself feel as a child, and then it'll be out of my body, out of my system. That's what I'm hoping.

Until then, I'm glad Kesha is here to sing some of my pain with me:

I hope you're somewhere praying, praying
I hope your soul is changing, changing
I hope you find your peace
Falling on your knees, praying

I'm proud of who I am
No more monsters, I can breathe again
And you said that I was done
Well, you were wrong and now the best is yet to come

'Cause I can make it on my own
And I don't need you, I found a strength I've never known
I've been thrown out, I've been burned ([Live version:] I'll bring thunder, I'll bring rain)
When I'm finished, they won't even know your name

You brought the flames and you put me through hell
I had to learn how to fight for myself
And we both know all the truth I could tell
I'll just say this is I wish you farewell

I hope you're somewhere praying, praying
I hope your soul is changing, changing
I hope you find your peace
Falling on your knees, praying

Oh, sometimes, I pray for you at night
Oh, someday, maybe you'll see the light
Oh, some say, in life you gonna get what you give
But some things, only God can forgive

I hope you're somewhere praying, praying
I hope your soul is changing, changing
I hope you find your peace
Falling on your knees, praying

God knows that's how I've found a lot of mine...

Say It Isn't So

Heard this classic on the ampersand bands top 40 countdown (didn't know that was a thing!):

(Say it)
(Say it isn't so)
(Say it)
(Say it isn't so)

Say it isn't so painful
To tell me that you're dissatisfied
Last time I asked you
I really got a lame excuse
I know that you lied
Now wicked things can happen
You see 'em goin' down in war
But when you play in a quiet way
That bites it even more
(Say it)
Tell me what you want, yeah
I'll do it, baby
I promise right now
(Say it)
Who propped you up
When you were stopped low motivation
had you on the ground
I know your first reaction
You slide away
Hide away, goodbye
But if there's a doubt
Maybe I can give out
A thousand reasons why
You have to say it isn't so
(It isn't so)
I say it isn't so (it isn't so)
Oh, no
I say it isn't so (it isn't so)
Oh, say it isn't so (it isn't so)
Oh-oh, no
(Say it)
We like to be the strangers
At the party
Two rebels in a shell (say it)
You like to move
With the best of them
You know we move so well
Don't need someone to lean on
I know where there's an open door
But if I'm faced
With being replaced
I want you even more
So baby, say it isn't so (it isn't so)
Oh-oh, say it isn't so (it isn't so)
oh-oh, no
Say it isn't so (it isn't so)
Whoooa, say it isn't so (it isn't so)
Oh-oh-oh, yeah
(Say it)
(Say it isn't so)
(Say it)
(Say it isn't so)
(Say it)
(Say it isn't so)

Why you gonna go
Do you half ta say
You wanna go
Ooh-ooh baby, say it isn't
(Say it isn't)
Say, say, say it isn't
(Say it isn't) so (so, say it isn't)
Why do you have to say it isn't
(Say it isn't) so
(Say it isn't) so (say, say it isn't)
I know it's so hard for you (say it isn't)
So hard (say it isn't)
Don't say, baby (so, say it isn't)
There must be some other way
Don't have to (say it isn't)
Some other way (So say it isn't)
Aah, you don't have to say (say it isn't)

Which was basically my mantra while my man was away: Say it isn't so.

It so wasn't.

And I am soooooooooo grateful!

Mess is Mine

My man was well enough tonight for a trip to the movies -- hooray! Not by bike, mind you, so that was a little bit sad, but all in all, it felt great to be out taking in a movie with him.

Especially since the movie, The Big Sick, was so dang cute.

And this song, from the soundtrack, is delightfully true -- lacerated spleen?

Your mess is mine, baby:

Talking like we used to do
It was always me and you
Shaping up and shipping out
Check me in and check me out
Do you like walking in the rain?
When you think of love, do you think of pain?
You can tell me what you see
I will choose what I believe
Hold on, darling
This body is yours,
This body is yours and mine
Well hold on, my darling
This mess was yours,
Now your mess is mine

Your mess is mine
See you in the marketplace
Walking 'round at 8am
Got 2 hours before my flight
Luck be on my side tonight
You're the reason that I feel so strong
The reason that I'm hanging on
You know you gave me all the time
Oh, did I give enough of mine?
Hold on, darling
This body is yours,
This body is yours and mine
Well hold on, my darling
This mess was yours,
Now your mess is mine

Bring me to your house
Tell me sorry for the mess
Hey, I don't mind
You're talking in your sleep
Out of time
Well, you still make sense to me
Your mess is mine
Your mess is mine
This body's yours and this body's mine
Your mess is mine

Mmmmmmmmmmm

I've been having trouble getting to my blog lately, and briefly considered giving it up. Take one more thing off my plate?

I decided to keep at it. Because my goal was 10 years. Because it's as close as I'm gonna get to a journal.

And because there are sooooooo many songs I haven't blogged about -- which occurred to me when I heard this one today:

Once there was this kid who
Got into an accident and couldn't come to school
But when he finally came back
His hair had turned from black into bright white
He said that it was from when
The car had smashed so hard

Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm
Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm

Once there was this girl who
Wouldn't go and change with the girls in the change room
But when they finally made her
They saw birthmarks all over her body
She couldn't quite explain it
They'd always just been there

Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm
Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm

But both girl and boy were glad
'Cause one kid had it worse than that

'Cause then there was this boy whose
Parents made him come directly home right after school
And when they went to their church
They shook and lurched all over the church floor
He couldn't quite explain it
They'd always just gone there

Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm
Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm

Yep. And once, there was this girl whose boyfriend got into an accident...

Real Love Baby

What I feel for this man is real love, baby!

I've been off work this week taking care of my injured man. This whole experience has been difficult in a lot of ways; it has also been a deepening of a love that already felt pretty darn deep.

When traumas like this occur -- when we are reminded that we could lose the ones we love, or they can be compromised -- it just serves to remind what is really important in this life.

Father John Misty, whom I learned about in a New Yorker review I read today, has this to say about real love, baby:

Our hearts
Are free
So tell me what's wrong with the feeling
I'm a flower, you're my bee
It's much older than you and me
I'm in love, I'm alive
I belong to the stars and sky
Let's forget who we are for one night
We're not animals baby
It's the people who lie
I want real love baby
Ooh, don't leave me waiting
I've got real love maybe
Wait until you taste me
I want real love baby
There's a world inside me
Got the preacher's music
Just if for a minute
Our hearts
Are free
So tell me what's wrong with the feeling
I'm a flower, you're my bee
It's much older than you and me
I'm in love, I'm alive
I belong to the stars and sky
Let's forget who we are for one night
We're not animals baby
It's the people who lie
I want real love baby
Ooh, don't leave me waiting
I've got real love maybe
Wait until you taste me
I want real love baby
There's a world inside me
Got the preacher's music
Just if for a minute
I want real love baby
Ooh, don't leave me waiting
I've got real love maybe
Wait until you taste me
I want real love baby
There's a world inside me
Got the preacher's music
Just if for a minute
Our hearts
(I want real love baby)
Are free
(Ooh, don't leave me waiting)
So tell me what's wrong with the feeling
(I've got real love maybe, wait until you taste me)
I'm a flower, you're my bee
(I want real love baby, there's a world inside me)
It's much older than you and me
(Got the preacher's music, just if for a minute)
I'm in love, I'm alive
(I want real love baby, ooh don't leave me waiting)
I belong to the stars and sky

We all belong to the the stars and sky -- and one day, we'll return to them.

In the meantime, I'm happy to report, I'm no longer waiting for real love.

I've got it in spades...

Sign of the Times

I am loving this song right now, even if I'm not 100% down with its message:

Just stop your crying

It's a sign of the times

Welcome to the final show

Hope you're wearing your best clothes

You can't bribe the door on your way to the sky

You look pretty good down here

But you ain't really good

If we never learn, we been here before

Why are we always stuck and running from

The bullets?

The bullets

We never learn, we been here before

Why are we always stuck and running from

The bullets?

The bullets

Just stop your crying

It's a sign of the times

We gotta get away from here

We gotta get away from here

Just stop your crying

It'll be alright

They told me that the end is near

We gotta get away from here

Just stop your crying

Have the time of your life

Breaking through the atmosphere

And things are pretty good from here

Remember everything…

Here's what this song is speaking to me:

1) I don't remember everything, but more and more, I do know when a traumatic memory is coming through and even more significantly, I can more often let it come through because when it does, my man is here to hold me...

2) Don't stop your crying. Cry as much you need, when you need. Releasing sadness, whether it is current or old, suppressed in childhood sadness, is sooo good for the soul...

Brain Damage

Today I went to an amazing talk about inherent bias that made way more sense than any other way I've heard it explained. If you haven't seen this video of the guy who tries to learn how to ride a bike that is engineered to have steering that is opposite from normal -- it's totally worth checking out.

It illustrates how our brains become wired one way and gaining knowledge that a different action will be needed is NOT enough to change behavior. Instead, we have to mindfully choose, each time, a different path, and even then, sometimes have to practice it over and over again before we manage the new way of doing something.

Those of us who've been through developmental trauma in our lives, like my friend Marshall Mathers, have to learn to override those early messages and it can be a painstaking process:

Brain damage, ever since the day I was born
Drugs, what they used to say I was on
They say I never knew which way I was goin'
But everywhere I go they keep playin' my song

Brain damage, ever since the day I was born
Drugs, what they used to say I was on
They say I never knew which way I was goin'
But everywhere I go they keep playin' my song
Brain damage

Way before my baby daughter Hailey,
I was harassed daily by this fat kid named D'Angelo Bailey.
An eighth grader who acted obnoxious, 'cause his father boxes,
So everyday he'd shove me in the lockers.
One day he came in the bathroom while I was pissin',
And had me in the position to beat me into submission.
He banged my head against the urinal 'til he broke my nose,
Soaked my clothes in blood, grabbed me and choked my throat.
I tried to plead and tell him, "We shouldn't beef"
But he just wouldn't leave, he kept chokin' me and I couldn't breathe.
He looked at me and said, "You gonna die honky!"
The principal walked in and started helping him stomp me.
I made them think they beat me to death,
Holdin' my breath for like five minutes before they finally left.
Then I got up and ran to the janitor's storage booth.
Kicked the door hinge loose and ripped out the four inch screws.
Grabbed some sharp objects, brooms, and foreign tools.
"This is for every time you took my orange juice,
Or stole my seat in the lunchroom and drank my chocolate milk.
Every time you tipped my tray and it dropped and spilt.
I'm gettin' you back bully! Now once and for good.
I cocked the broomstick back and swung hard as I could,
And beat him over the head with it 'til I broke the wood.
Knocked him down, stood on his chest with one foot.
Made it home later that same day.
Started reading the comics, and suddenly everything became gray.
I couldn't even see what I was trying to read.
I went deaf, and my left ear started to bleed.
My mother started screamin', "What are you on, drugs??
Look at you, you're gettin' blood all over my rug!" (Stop!)
She beat me over the head with the remote control,
Opened a hole and my whole brain fell out of my skull.
I picked it up and screamed, "Look bitch, what have you done?"
"Oh my God, I'm sorry son" "Shut up you cunt!"
I said, "Fuck it!" took it and stuck it back up in my head,
Then I sewed it shut and put a couple of screws in my neck.

Brain damage, ever since the day I was born
Drugs, what they used to say I was on
They say I never knew which way I was goin'
But everywhere I go they keep playin' my song

I admire Eminem for rapping his way to a different place in life, and I'm grateful every single day for the opportunity to rewire my neural pathways. It may take most of my life to do it, and I am determined to both do it for myself and write about it so that others might have a guide on the journey to wholeness...

The House That Built Me

The Atlantic coastline, Marshfield, Mass.

The last time my man lived in Wisco, we took a trip to Indiana to attend a mountain biking and bluegrass festival. I didn't really realize it beforehand, but on the drive there I looked up and saw a mileage sign that read:

West Lafayette 22

"Wow," I remarked. "We're so close. I feel like we should go."

My boyfriend was game, and so we traveled back to the old neighborhood, saw my old house, my friend's houses, my elementary school, etc.

I hadn't been back in years, and the effect on me was chilling. I didn't have the language or the resources I have now to describe what was happening -- I know now I was triggered. Big time.

As a result, the weekend was HARD. It had it's upsides, including a successful mountain biking debut, and it was HARD in the way big feelings you don't know what to do with are hard.

That's all to say that for years I have been wanting to see where my boyfriend grew up. He didn't have a great desire to take me, but long distance stint #2 (which we are currently enjoying) provided a pretty perfect opportunity: He's living in New Hampshire right now, and I flew out for his birthday. Into Boston. Today.

And so he took me. And he showed me the house that built him, the ocean he swam in, the schools he went to, the woods he walked in, his friends' houses... and he was really good with it. He seemed to enjoy showing me, and it stimulated a lot of conversation about things from his past about which I'd been curious.

He and I were both pretty severely wounded by traumatic childhoods. This much is true. And this trip back to his hometown showed just how far we've come on our healing journeys, together and as a couple.

This Miranda Lambert song, which came to my attention before we made this trip, seems apropos:

I know they say you can't go home again
I just had to come back one last time
Ma'am I know you don't know me from Adam
But these handprints on the front steps are mine

Up those stairs in that little back bedroom
Is where I did my homework and I learned to play guitar
I bet you didn't know under that live oak
My favorite dog is buried in the yard

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it's like I'm someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself

If I could just come in I swear I'll leave
Won't take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me

You leave home and you move on and you do the best you can
I got lost in this old world and forgot who I am

Well Miranda, I guess sometimes you've gotta get lost in order to be found...