Walk Me Home

Tonight the four of us went to see a movie, Peanut Butter Falcon. It was a big deal, in part because it's super rare that we can get them both to go to the same movie, and in part because it was our last dinner as a family -- at least until the New Englander returns in June 2021 for my daughter's high school graduation.

It was a beautiful evening. Beautiful movie, beautiful dinner, beautiful card and gift and love exchange.

Dinner at Cafe Porta Alba, one of our neighborhood faves

We've been so blessed over the last couple of years, plus the years prior to that when we've spent time with him, to have the New Englander in our family. He's added so much, and we all love him dearly.

So, one more time tonight, we'll do our version of what Pink sings about here -- Ride him home:

There's somethin' in the way you roll your eyes
Takes me back to a better time
When I saw everything is good
But now you're the only thing that's good
Tryna stand up on my own two feet
This conversation ain't coming easily
And darlin', I know it's getting late
So what do you say we leave this place?

Walk me home in the dead of night

So much love and goodness between these three!

I can't be alone with all that's on my mind, mhm
So say you'll stay with me tonight
'Cause there is so much wrong goin' on outside

There's somethin' in the way I wanna cry
That makes me think we'll make it out alive
So come on and show me how we're good
I think that we could do some good, mhm

Walk me home in the dead of night
I can't be alone with all that's on my mind, mhm
So say you'll stay with me tonight
'Cause there is so much wrong goin' on outside

Yes there is. But I feel confident we will be there for one another, even across the miles, because, like the Peanut Butter Falcon reminds us, friends are the family you choose...

Thunder Road

Enjoying the gorgeous Lake Michigan shoreline

My man (for a little bit longer) and I had the pleasure of going to Chicago this weekend to spend time with my cousin and his husband.

It's the good life with these guys -- snuggly puppies, good food, good company, beautiful city -- and this time, we even got to take in a great flick.

Blinded by the Light is my favorite movie I've seen in a long time. I wanted to watch it again as soon as it finished. I loved getting to see it with my cousin, too, the person in my family to whom I feel closest.

Doesn't hurt that it features the music of the brilliant, beautiful Bruce Springsteen.

Here's one of many numbers from the film, which was on repeat after the movie for several days:

The screen door slams, Mary's dress waves
Like a vision she dances across the porch as the radio plays
Roy Orbison singing for the lonely
Hey, that's me, and I want you only
Don't turn me home again
I just can't face myself alone again
Don't run back inside
Darling, you know just what I'm here for
So you're scared and you're thinking
That maybe we ain't that young anymore
Show a little faith, there's magic in the night
You ain't a beauty, but, hey, you're alright
Oh, and that's alright with me

You can hide 'neath your covers and study your pain
Make crosses from your lovers, throw roses in the rain
Waste your summer praying in vain
For a saviour to rise from these streets
Well now I'm no hero that's understood
All the redemption I can offer, girl, is beneath this dirty hood
With a chance to make it good somehow
Hey what else can we do now?
Except roll down the window and let the wind blow back your hair
Well the night's busting open
These two lanes will take us anywhere
We got one last chance to make it real
To trade in these wings on some wheels
Climb in back, heaven's waiting down on the tracks
Oh-oh come take my hand
We're riding out tonight to case the promised land
Oh-oh Thunder Road oh Thunder Road oh Thunder Road
Lying out there like a killer in the sun
Hey, I know it's late, we can make it if we run
Oh, Thunder Road, sit tight, take hold
Thunder Road

Well I got this guitar, and I learned how to make it talk
And my car's out back if you're ready to take that long walk
From your front porch to my front seat
The door's open but the ride it ain't free
And I know you're lonely for words that I ain't spoken
But tonight we'll be free, all the promises'll be broken
There were ghosts in the eyes of all the boys you sent away
They haunt this dusty beach road in the skeleton frames of burned out Chevrolets

They scream your name at night in the street
Your graduation gown lies in rags at their feet
And in the lonely cool before dawn
You hear their engines roaring on
But when you get to the porch they're gone
On the wind, so Mary, climb in
It's a town full of losers
And I'm pulling out of here to win

Love this song, love this movie, love this city, love this life...

Best Part Of Me

My fam laughing nervously at my antics with the Buffalo

I'm not sure why, but google keeps suggesting I listen to certain songs. Did I somehow give the impression that I take requests for this blog? I dunno.

Here's today's selection:

My lungs are black, my heart is pure
My hands are scarred from nights before
And my hair is thinnin', falling out
Of all the wrong places
I am a little insecure

My eyes are crossed, but they're still blue
I bite my nails and tell the truth
I go from thin to overweight
Oh day to day it fluctuates
My skin is inked, but faded too

But she loves me, she loves me
Why the hell she love me
When she could have anyone else?
Oh you love me, you love me
Why the hell do you love me?
'Cause I don't even love myself

Baby, the best part of me is you
And lately everything's making sense too
Oh baby, I'm so in love with you

I overthink and still forgive
I lose my phone and place my bets
And I never catch the train on time
Always thirty minutes behind
Your worries ain't seen nothin' yet

But you love me, you love me
Why the hell you love me so
When you could have anyone else?
Yeah yeah, he loves me, he loves me
And I bet he never lets me go
And shows me ,how to love myself

'Cause, baby, the best part of me is you, woah
Lately everything's making sense too
Baby, I'm so in love with you
(With you)

Baby, the best part of me is you, woah
Lately everything's making sense too
Oh baby, I'm so in love with you

Baby, I'm so in love with you, yeah, yeah
Oh baby, I'm so in love with you

I'd never heard it before. It's pretty lovely, and part of it feels apropos of the situation in which my man and I find ourselves. Because one of the enemies of our harmony, though not the only one, was his sense that he wasn't deserving.

Anyway, on the subject of the best part of me, one of the reasons my kids and I are going to miss him so much is he is, in many ways, saner, more relaxed, funnier, and cooler than I am.

The photo above is a case in point -- when we were at Custer State Park, I wanted to get as close to the Buffalo as I could. I would've liked to give one a big ol' hug and kiss. I didn't, of course, because safety and wild animals and valuing my life. But I did get closer than my family, and closer than they were comfortable with...

I'm Gonna Be (500 miles)

Scenic Point, East Glacier, Montana - my favorite!

What a fantastic road trip across a gorgeous country!

I am so grateful to have had this time on the road with my kids and the New Englander, as we prepare to close the chapter where our lives are closely intertwined.

There were so, so many things I loved about it, among them:

1) Seeing my kids reunited after my son had been away for three months;

Reunited and it feels so good!

2) The absolutely stunning topography of Montana;
3) Revisiting places I went as a child - The Black Hills, Mount Rushmore, the Badlands - this time with my kids;
4) Time together on the road, and the tunes that accompanied us.

Wall Drug just ain't what I thought it was when I was a kid

Number four on that list was often supplied by my daughter, and I especially loved when a song would play that she had independently chosen to put on her phone that just happens to have an important place in my pre-kid history.

This song is a great example of that - it was one of my faves to dance to on my many all-night out occasions in '93-'94 when I lived in Australia:

When I wake up, well, I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who wakes up next to you
When I go out, yeah, I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who goes along with you
If I get drunk, well, I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who gets drunk next to you
And if I haver, yeah, I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who's haverin' to you

But I would walk five hundred miles

Mount Rushmore, from a distance

And I would walk five hundred more
Just to be the man who walked a thousand miles
To fall down at your door

When I'm workin', yes, I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who's workin' hard for you
And when the money comes in for the work I do
I'll pass almost every penny on to you
When I come home (when I come home), oh, I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who comes back home to you
And if I grow old, well, I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who's growin' old with you

But I would walk five hundred miles
And I would walk five hundred more
Just to be the man who walked a thousand miles
To fall down at your door

Ta-da-da-ta, ta-da-da-ta, ta-da-da-ta, ta-da-da-ta
Ta-da-da-dan-te-la-dan-te-la-dan-te-le-la-da-da
Ta-da-da-ta, ta-da-da-ta, ta-da-da-ta, ta-da-da-ta
Ta-da-da-dan-te-la-dan-te-la-dan-te-le-la-da-da

When I'm lonely, well, I know I'm gonna be

Mmmmmmmmmontana

I'm gonna be the man who's lonely without you
And when I'm dreamin', well, I know I'm gonna dream
I'm gonna dream about the time when I'm with you
When I go out (when I go out), well, I know I'm gonna be

The fab four do the Badlands, kinda briefly

I'm gonna be the man who goes along with you
And when I come home (when I come home), yes, I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who comes back home with you
I'm gonna be the man who's comin' home with you

But I would walk five hundred miles
And I would walk five hundred more
Just to be the man who walked a thousand miles
To fall down at your door

What a classic! This song, like this road trip, will always be a treasured memory...

Can I Sleep in Your Brain?

Gorgeous sunset in West Seattle

 Super weird song title, am I right?

I heard this song for the first time while out in Washington with my boyfriend, visiting my son, and thought it was weirdly cool:

Can I sleep in your brain tonight, stranger?
Can I rest my bones in your head?
I won't make too much noise
While I stay here
I just need some kind of shelter

Anywhere I try to go
I'm still stuck in my own skull
And lately
That's no kind of place to call home
All the walls are falling down
Garbage lying all around
Is there maybe room

My college student skiing in the mountains!

In your temporal lobe?

Can I sleep in your brain tonight, stranger?
Can I spend one night on your mind?
I can't live with this pain
With this anger
And I need someplace else to go

I wanna sleep in your brain
I wanna wake you up early
I wanna make you black coffee if
You like. (Yeah.)

I'll do whatever's required of me
To have the roof of your brain
Above me. I've got nowhere else I
Can stay tonight

Can I sleep in your brain?

My man and I pretending we live in Magnolia

We had a pretty great trip all things considered. There was super awesome snow in the mountains, which made my man happy.

I got to see my kid, so that made me happy.

We didn't sleep in anyone's brain, but we did sleep at the houses of two different friends, enjoying deluxe accommodations for zero dollars. That was awesome.

I went to yoga practice with the incomparable Troy Lucero five days in a row which was awesome AND helped me shift the shame cloud that had been hanging over me after acting like a human battering ram during the trip out.

I don't know what gets into me. I just get so agitated when I travel, and it comes out in not pleasant for me or the people around me ways.

It makes me feel like I need someplace else to go, or someone else to be, and my practice brings me right back to the knowledge that I am exactly where and who I need to be...

Jesus, etc.

A photo of one of said holidays - dang my Grandpa was sad!

I've always wished I was one of those people for whom holidays were joyous occasions to get together with loving relatives who bring out the best in each other. I try not to wish things had been different, but sometimes I'm guilty of doing just that. I think we all are.

Luckily, I have managed to create a peaceful loving home with my little family of four.


But growing up, holidays were confusing. They were a time when the stark contrast between how I felt on the inside and how things looked on the outside was greatest, making them extremely difficult for me.

We now know, as I've written about before, that the body holds on to feelings that it wasn't able to feel at the time. We don't get to control when they come out. There are some very effective means of keeping them in -- drinking alcohol is one that my family seems to prefer most -- but the problem with that method is the old feelings then continue to get held in the body, weighing everything down.

I've been working hard over the last decade or so - so very hard - to understand, to release, to accept, to forgive, to witness, to share - my own experience, and this has meant making the decision to feel.

The cousin joy I desperately want to facilitate

On Friday, December 21, a few days before Christmas, I went to see one of my bodyworkers. I have been working with him for close to 10 years - -he has been helping my skeleton find its way back to it's natural, more mobile state. For the first time, he worked extensively with my pubic bone and pelvis, a place where I've stored a lot of trauma. I recount this because I think it's related to the events of December 23.

I made a plan for the four of us to go skiing at Cascade and stay overnight at an Air Bnb in Montello with my sister and her family. I love my sister and her children, and a big part of me wanted to go.

Another part started to make her needs known the day before: I started feeling triggered. By now I know the signs that I'm under the spell of my PTSD: I was hypervigilant, I was nervous, I was irritable, I was angry, I couldn't sleep, I wanted to drink to forget. But I didn't listen. I overrode those feelings, and I pressed on with the plan.

I will never ignore them again.

Because what transpired on Sunday, December 23, on the way to skiing with my sister's family, was so awful, so beyond my control, and so traumatizing for my own children that I never, ever want to go there again.

I can recount what happened, but I'm not sure it will help anyone understand it. I was stopped at a point in the journey where I wasn't sure which way to go. I consulted Google Maps, and it failed to help me determine which way to turn.

And then I lost it. Like, lost it like I never have before. I screamed. My son tried to tell me I could go either way. I screamed louder. Everything that either of my children said made it worse. I continued to drive while both children were in tears, begging me to let my daughter drive instead. I simply could not cede the little bit of control I had left. In those moments, my children did not feel like my children, and I did not feel like myself. I was not in my body.

Such a strong, resilient kid I've got, and a ski lover to boot

I feel so much regret that they had to see me that way. I wish it hadn't happened like that. But now they know why I'm still in therapy. And now when I say to them, as I have, "I never wanted you to experience having an out-of-control parent the way I did as a child," they know more about what my experience was like. Maybe they needed to know more? I don't know. God knows I wish I could have spared them. I certainly understand more about what those moments were like for my parents, especially my mother, and I'm grateful for that too.

Most of all, I'm profoundly grateful that no one was physically injured. I'm also grateful for my therapist, who said to me "Yes, you went off the rails, and you needed to get off those rails." Another of my healers - a neurovascular therapist described that my insides after that event were "a whole new landscape" - that before, everything I felt was tamped down, and then the gasket blew. My yoga teacher asked me what I needed in that moment in the car, and when I said I didn't know, she said she thought I needed help. I began to sob. Yes, that makes sense. It makes perfect sense that the help I couldn't ask for and never received as a child was the need I so desperately felt and was finally able to express, albeit more crudely than I would have liked.

Phew. So what does this song have to do with all of this? A couple of things. One, I know that my children and I are protected by forces beyond anything we can understand rationally, by Jesus, Etc., and for this I am incredibly grateful.

Two, there are parts of me that are similar to my parents that I haven't felt the need to fight against in the same way. One of these is my love for TV. One of my new shows is Billions. It's sooooo good.

And on a recent episode, two of my favorite characters were discussing this song:

My treasured musicians, the day after

Jesus, don't cry
You can rely on me honey
You can combine anything you want
I'll be around
You were right about the stars
Each one is a setting sun

Tall buildings shake
Voices escape singing sad sad songs
Tuned to chords strung down your cheeks
Bitter melodies turning your orbit around

Don't cry
You can rely on me honey
You can come by any time you want
I'll be around
You were right about the stars
Each one is a setting sun

Tall buildings shake
Voices escape singing sad sad songs
Tuned to chords strung down your cheeks
Bitter melodies turning your orbit around

It does't exactly retell the story of December 23, but it kinda does...

Fantasy

Here we are -- Christmas 2017

This song has been on repeat for me this holiday season:

Oh, when you walk by every night
Talking sweet and looking fine
I get kind of hectic inside
Oh, baby, I'm so into you
Darling if you only knew
All the things that flow through my mind

But it's just a sweet, sweet fantasy, baby
When I close my eyes you come and take me
On and on and on, it's so deep in my daydreams
But it's just a sweet, sweet fantasy, baby (fantasy)
(And I want you so bad)

Images of rapture
Creep into me slowly
As you're going to my head
And my heart beats faster
When you take me over
Time and time and time again

But it's just a sweet, sweet fantasy, baby
When I close my eyes you come and take me
On and on and on, it's so deep in my daydreams
But it's just a sweet, sweet fantasy, baby
It's just a sweet, sweet fantasy, baby
When I close my eyes you come and take me
On and on and on, it's so deep in my daydreams
But it's just a sweet, sweet fantasy, baby

I'm happy to say that this year, it's not just a sweet, sweet fantasy baby -- my man really is here with us, celebrating the season - and I'm so grateful!

Jesus Loves You

Rockin' the stage at The Majestic Theatre

The Old 97s were also fun to hear live -- and I think this was my favorite number:

Jesus loves you more than I do
Just because He doesn't know you
Not like I do

Jesus says you'll get salvation
If you just keep on waitin'
And readin' the same book
Over and over again

Well, you can talk to Him all night

My man and one of his four big sisters

But I'm right here
He makes wine from water
But I just bought you a beer

You say Jesus loves you
And I say what about me?
Maybe Jesus loves you
But where the hell is he?

He's got the power and the glory
He's got a pretty kick-ass story
And what do I got?
I got the hots for you

He's got the whole world in His hands
I've got a Lone Star in cans
And I'm bringin' one over to you
And I'm sittin' down next to you

I'm not discountin' the Sermon on the Mount
And oh, when I was little you know
They dunked me in the fountain
They told me I was born again
But since then I've been torn
And when I think about making love with you
I know it would be more than sin

I'm a real person
A real live person
You could do a whole lot worse than
Ending up with me then
Even though I'm a heathen
Not everybody out there is
Connecting like we've been

I'll take you to the river
Let me take you to the river
I will deliver you

Pray to Him all night
But I'm your man
He can walk on water
But I'll kiss you on the sand

You say Jesus loves you
And I say what about me?
Maybe Jesus loves you
But where the hell is he?

Jesus loves you more than I do
Just because He doesn't know you
Not like I do

Clever lyrics, right?

Everything I Had

One of my man's sisters came to visit today, and she's a big fan of live music and The Old 97s. She asked if we wanted to go to their concert on Sunday night.

Sunday night!? I thought, picturing my usual Sunday night in my yoga clothes/Pjs. I couldn't really even wrap my brain around going to a concert on a Sunday.

But I agreed, to be a good sport, and I am so glad I did.

As soon as this rockin' chick, Lilly Hiatt, came out on stage for the opening act and started to sing, I had no regrets:

Word on the street
You got yourself a new girl
I would’ve given anything
To light up your world

“You women go crazy”
That’s what you fuckers say
For loving someone the right way

Let me tell ya something
I’ve had it up to here with that

Cuz I gave you everything, everything that I had
I gave you everything, everything that I had

I’m the one getting angry
So the night’s on my back
But you’re saying nothing at all
So cut me some slack

I spent all those nights feeling so guilty
For letting you near the ugliest parts of me
I think it’s time I stop feeling stupid for that

Cuz I gave you everything, everything that I had
I gave you everything, everything that I had

I thought you called cuz you wanted to see me
You were just calling because I was easy
You know that I love you, how dare you do something like that

Cuz I gave you everything, everything that I had
I gave you everything, everything that I had

I was also super grateful to be standing side by side with the man I gave everything that I had, and then thought I lost.

So, so grateful...

Thank You

Heard this number today and looked it up -- I had no idea that the lyrics were written so nuttily:

I want to thank you falettinme be mice elf agin
Thank you falettinme be mice elf agin

Stiff all in the collar, fluffy in the face
Chit chat chatter tryin', stuffy in the place
Thank you for the party, but I could never stay
Many thangs is on my mind, words in the way

I want to thank you falettinme be mice elf agin
Thank you falettinme be mice elf agin

Dance to the music, all nite long
Everyday people, sing a simple song
Mama's so happy, Mama start to cry
Papa still singin', you can make it if you try

I want to thank you falettinme be mice elf agin
(Different strokes for different folks, yeah)
Thank you falettinme be mice elf agin

Flamin' eyes of people fear burnin' into you
Many men are missin' much hatin' what they do
Youth and truth are makin' love, dig it for a starter, now
Dyin' young is hard to take, sellin' out is harder

Thank you falettinme be mice elf agin
I want to thank you falettinme be mice elf agin
Thank you falettinme be mice elf agin
Thank you falettinme be mice elf agin
I want to thank you falettinme be mice elf agin

I feel more myself every day that I get to spend in my current bliss of two amazing kids at home and an incredible man with whom to share it all. I feel like I'm finally living my life, the way it was intended.

And it feels sooooooo good...

She's a Knockout

You know the mood around the house (and in my head) is lightening up when the inner jukebox pulls this one out this morning in the shower:

Everywhere she goes people turn their heads
She's a knockout
Everyone wishes she was sleeping in their beds
She's a knockout
When guys see her comin' they start spending their money
She's a knockout
But don't you know I'm the only one who can call her honey
She's a knockout

She's a knockout, She's a knockout

She's exotic but not foreign, built like an old Cadillac
She's a knockout
Once she's left your life she ain't never comin' back
She's a knockout
With her black silk stockings and her high-heeled shoes
She's a knockout
Once she's left your life you'll surely sing the blues
She's a knockout

Some friends were tellin' me, just the other day
They walk right up to her, they don't know what to say
And when she calls me (hear a ring on the telephone)
I'll be there waiting for her, sitting at home all alone
All alone

In the nightclubs baby when the lights shine down
She's a knockout
When she walks down the aisle ya know her hips begin to sway
She's a knockout
come on little baby I'll show yo the way
She's a knockout...

My daughter asked what this song was, and my man said it was a song written about her mom.

Awwwww...

Lucky Star

My lucky star for so many family trips here...

I felt soooooo lucky when my cousin said it would work for my man and I to come visit when he and his husband were planning to be at the cottage on Lake Michigan where our families vacationed together as kids.

Many of those trips were HARD because of the difficult dynamics of our respective families, and I was SO grateful for my relationship with this cousin. We'd spend hours together, talking, walking, swimming and being away from the mayhem that awaited us back at the cottage.

My cousin and I are both huge Madonna fans, and when my man and I were driving to Onekama, we heard this song:

You must be my Lucky Star
'Cause you shine on me wherever you are
I just think of you and I start to glow
And I need your light
And baby you know

Family photo with Frenchies! We love their doggies too.

Starlight, starbright first star I see tonight
Starlight, [starbright] make everything all right
Starlight, starbright first star I see tonight
Starlight, [starbright] yeah

You must be my Lucky Star
'Cause you make the darkness seem so far
And when I'm lost you'll be my guide
I just turn around and you're by my side

Of course, these days, we both have someone really great by our sides all the time - my boyfriend and his husband. It was awesome to all hang out together -- we had an amazing time.

We even listened to some Madonna, just for old time's sake:

Come on shine your heavenly body tonight
'Cause I know you're gonna make everything all right

You may be my lucky star
But I'm the luckiest by far

Soooooooooo incredibly lucky!

Change

Today I learned that my new life -- in which the man I hoped would move in with me nearly four years ago is moving in with me and my kids -- is gonna start even sooner than I thought.

Over the past couple of weeks, I've been starting to prepare by making space: I cleaned out half of a big closet and two drawers for him. And I couldn't have done that if I hadn't also done the emotional work of letting go of this time in which it's all about me and my kids. I wouldn't trade it. I feel pretty sure that my kids feel like this home is a sanctuary for them, and so do I, which is huge. I didn't feel that in my childhood, I didn't feel that in my marriage.

I wouldn't invite just anyone into our sanctuary, and my kids and I, we wouldn't let just anyone into our hearts. He's in there, already, for all three of us -- so we have that going for us. He's conscious, considerate and conscientious -- so we have that going for us too.

There can be absolutely no question that this represents a major change for us :

Just when you were getting used to this place
You were getting used to these bones
You were getting used to the changes
Well the change won't leave you alone

And I see it as a learning opportunity, for all of us. That change won't leave you alone in your life. In the next couple of years, we're going to go through the New Englander moving in and then my oldest moving out, so I'm going to treat the former like a learning experience for all of us about major transitions in life:

You finally caught up with the pace
The tough just might have got going
You thought you could trust all the faces
Well they're only on one side of the coin

All these changes
Different stages
Turning page after page after page
It gets stranger day by day

(That last line feels like it's about the current President...)

Set your eyes straight up ahead
Don't look down when you cross
And pay no mind to time it's a punch line
The joke is on all of us

All these changes
Different stages
Turning page after page after page

Yep, we'll just keep turning page after page, hearts open, eyes open, mouths open for honest communication. Welcoming a new member into our family, into our home - even if he's not entirely new to us -- feels big.

In a good way...

Freedom! '90

My beautiful, giant, teenagers (and our black bunny)

A couple of days ago, I worked with a member of my pit crew -- my zero balancer/rolpher.

I told him about getting back together with my boyfriend, which he was at first dubious about but came around to feeling hopeful.

He said something really beautiful during the session, which is that the reason we are all here is to become more free.

The best kind of love offers more freedom, not less, and that's exactly what I feel with the New Englander. Being able to really sink into the feeling that my heart and my body were right -- he is my person - and feeling him love me back in the same way -- it frees up this huge part of me to do what I need to do to seek more freedom elsewhere, as I am doing in the context of my family of origin.

I also think that once the two of us are living together (and when the four of us are living together), we can use this as a mantra for how we want to approach our partnership and family. Loving in ways that are freeing, not inhibiting, that's what I want for all of us.

I was super sad today to hear that George Michael died. He was a big part of my youth, and he had something important to say about Freedom:

In this family, we're free to celebrate Hanukkah and Christmas

I won't let you down
I will not give you up
Gotta have some faith in the sound
It's the one good thing that I've got
I won't let you down
So please don't give me up
‘Cause I would really, really love to stick around, oh yeah

I think there's something you should know
I think it's time I told you so
There's something deep inside of me
There's someone else I've got to be
Take back your picture in a frame
Take back your singing in the rain
I just hope you understand
Sometimes the clothes do not make the man

All we have to do now
Is take these lies and make them true somehow
All we have to see
Is that I don't belong to you
And you don't belong to me yea yea
Freedom
Freedom
Freedom
You've gotta give for what you take
Freedom
Freedom
Freedom
You've gotta give for what you take

Well it looks like the road to heaven
But it feels like the road to hell
When I knew which side my bread was buttered
I took the knife as well
Posing for another picture
Everybody's got to sell
But when you shake your ass
They notice fast
And some mistakes were built to last

That's what you get
That's what you get
That's what you get
I say that's what you get
That's what you get for changing your mind
That's what you get for changing your mind
That's what you get
That's what you get
And after all this time
I just hope you understand
Sometimes the clothes
Do not make the man

All we have to do now is take these lies
And make them true somehow
All we have to see is that i don't belong to you
And you don't belong to me yea yea
Freedom
Freedom
Freedom
You've got to give for what you take
Freedom
Freedom
Freedom
You've got to give for what you take
Yea you've got to give for what you, give for what you give

I won't forget your wise words, George: My kids don't belong to me -- I just have the honor of loving them and helping them become the best versions of themselves. And the same is true for the New Englander. He doesn't belong to me either, but together, we reveal more love for ourselves and each other, making us a little more free all the time...

All Apologies

This song has been on repeat for me in the past week or so:

What else should I be
All apologies
What else could I say
Everyone is gay
What else could I write
I don't have the right
What else should I be
All apologies

In the sun
In the sun I feel as one
In the sun
In the sun
Married
Buried

I love this song, and it's appropriate to mark this day for a couple of reasons:

1) I taught yoga in the jail today, and although one guard told us we couldn't open up the doors in the gym and let the sun shine in, another guard opened them for us. The women were so excited to see the sun and the sky and the fall colors. Sensory deprivation is no joke, but it sure does enhance the experience once the senses are allowed to take it all in again. I feel so lucky to bear witness to these women and feel this incredible sense of oneness. There by the grace of God go I and all that...

2) Yesterday was my Mom's birthday. I reckon I did some more healing in California from my relationship with my Mom. I realized while riding my bike yesterday that, at least in part, what I loathe in her, I loathe in myself. If I can find a way to embrace her, I will also be embracing me. And I know that to a large extent, this is true. There is still the part of me that thinks "But she was the parent! She was supposed to know! She was supposed to protect me!" But I know that holding on to what was supposed to happen serves no one. So I have to let myself feel it and move on:

I wish I was like you
Easily amused
Find my nest of salt
Everything's my fault
I take all the blame
Aqua seafoam shame
Sunburn, freezer burn
Choking on the ashes of her enemy

Everything is not my fault, but everything is not her fault, either. And riding my bike in the Fall sunshine, I can feel that this is true, and I can let go of more of the pain I've been hauling around for so long:

In the sun
In the sun I feel as one
In the sun
In the sun
Married
Married
Married
Buried

Green Green Grass Of Home

Resting on the soft grounds of the Cal campus

Once when I was talking about moving to California when my kids go off to college, my Dad said he hoped it wasn't a case of me thinking the grass is greener.

Being out here, I realize that I don't just think it's greener, it is greener.

Just ask Tom Jones:

The old home town looks the same as I step down from the train,
and there to meet me is my Mama and Papa.
Down the road I look and there runs Mary hair of gold and lips like cherries.
It's good to touch the green, green grass of home.
Yes, they'll all come to meet me, arms reaching, smiling sweetly.
It's good to touch the green, green, grass of home.
The old house is still standing, tho' the paint is cracked and dry,
and there's that old oak tree that I used to play on.

Down the lane I walk with my sweet Mary, hair of gold and lips like cherries.
It's good to touch the green, green grass of home.
Yes, they'll all come to meet me, arms reaching, smiling sweetly.
It's good to touch the green, green grass of home.

Berkeley may not actually be my home yet, but it sure feels like it. More than any other place I've ever been...

Totem

My Father MADE this totem pole!

As if the glorious weather and lake-related play wasn't enough, we all also got to see, for the first time, the totem pole that my Dad MADE. I know, I've said that twice in this post and capitalized it both times, but I'm just so impressed. Wow! We were all impressed, and my son declared it an awesome addition to the cabin.

Cue Rush with a song about, you guessed it, totem poles:

I've got twelve disciples and a Buddha smile
Garden of Allah, Viking Valhalla
A miracle once in a while

I've got a pantheon of animals in a pagan soul
Vishnu and Gaia, Aztec and Maya
Dance around my totem pole
Totem pole...

I believe in what I see
I believe in what I hear
I believe that what I'm feeling
Changes how the world appears

Angels and demons dancing in my head
Lunatics and monsters underneath my bed
Media messiahs preying on my fears
Pop culture prophets playing in my ears

I've got celestial mechanics
To synchronize my stars
Seasonal migrations, daily variations
World of the unlikely and bizarre

I've got idols and icons, unspoken holy vows
Thoughts to keep well-hidden
Sacred and forbidden
Free to browse among the holy cows

That's why I believe

Angels and demons inside of me
Saviors and Satans all around me

So true. We can all be both at different points in our lives. I think the lesson for me is not to assume that someone who presented as the demon at one point will always and only be that demon. We've all got some of each inside us!

Brave

"If you want to see the brave," says the Bhagavad Gita, "look at those who can forgive."

This quote has helped propel me through the long process (probably still in process in some ways) of forgiving my parents, and I thought of it this evening when my friend told me I was brave as I sat in the car with her crying over the events of the last couple of months.

I wouldn't have been so brave if it weren't for my children and my dedication to giving them the best life I can, with my own experience as a child to help guide me. My father hated his father, but I was devoted to my Grandpa. We played the organ together, we meditated together, we walked his dogs, we went swimming at his neighborhood pool. I adored him.

So I knew, when I had my own kids, that despite the difficult relationship I have with my parents, I wanted my kids to have a relationship with their grandparents. And so I've worked extremely hard to heal from and forgive the traumatic nature of my childhood and the ongoing difficulties and disappointments in my relationship with them. Extremely. Hard.

And in some ways we are reaping the benefits: In the car on the way to my nephew's graduation where we would see the whole family, my daughter was so excited about seeing everyone and it was wonderful to witness such an important rite of passage for my nephew.

It was also hard. The stilted conversations, watching many members of my family put away the wine, listening to my Dad's comments during graduation which just struck me as really dark.

One of the things I missed the most after I got divorced was having someone on my team when I am around my family. I am strong enough to wade into the quagmire alone, and I am proud of that, but it isn't easy and it sometimes results in tears a day later and feelings such as those Josh Groban describes in the song for today:

You wanna run away, run away
And you say that it can't be so
You wanna look away, look away
But you stay 'cause it's all so close
When you stand up and hold out your hand
In the face what I don't understand
My reason to be brave

But I'm clear on my reason to be brave. It's for my kids. It's also better for me, I think, but it's definitely not the easier path:

Hold on, hold on so strong, time just carries on
All that you thought was wrong is pure again
You can't hide forever from the thunder
Look into the storm and feel the rain

You wanna run away, run away
And you say that it can't be so
You wanna look away, look away
But you stay 'cause it's all so close
When you stand up and hold out your hand
In the face what I don't understand
My reason to be brave

Go on, go on

That I will Josh, that I will. I don't know if it will ever get easier to be with my family, but I know that I will go on.

I also know that when I am done preparing, I will have a partner with whom to navigate these difficulties and I am very much looking forward to that...

Daughters

A labor of love brought my groovy glass tables back to life!

Today is my father's birthday. He's 74 years old, which seems hard to believe, but since I've been alive for all but 30 of his years, I guess it kinda makes sense that he's getting up there.

Yesterday he returned to me the wood table bases that he fixed for me so I could once again use my groovy glass top tables in my groovy 60s pad. Apparently he worked on them for hours and hours and I am super appreciative.

We've had an up and down relationship across our time on this Earth together. It hasn't been easy, but through it all I've always loved and admired parts of my Dad and I know that being one of his daughters (as John Mayer says) has shaped who I am and who I choose to love:

I know a girl
She puts the color inside of my world
But she's just like a maze
Where all of the walls all continually change
And I've done all I can
To stand on her steps with my heart in my hands
Now I'm starting to see
Maybe it's got nothing to do with me

Fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Oh, you see that skin?
It's the same she's been standing in
Since the day she saw him walking away
Now she's left
Cleaning up the mess he made

I've experienced what feels like a lifetime of healing since my marriage, and a whole lot more on top of that since I met and was with the New Englander. I believe that the healing helps me discern when I'm drawn to the aspects of men that are like my father that are positive -- smart, funny, active, and nature-loving -- and to try to steer clear of those who exhibit signs of the aspects of my father that are not so positive -- the emotional unavailability, the quick temper, the lingering sadness:

So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Boys, you can break
You find out how much they can take
Boys will be strong
And boys soldier on
But boys would be gone without the warmth from
A woman's good, good heart

One thing's for sure, it is a very powerful connection, that of fathers and daughters. I see that with my daughter and her father, too -- he means the world to her:

On behalf of every man
Looking out for every girl
You are the god and the weight of her world

So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Be As You Are

Cheers to our favorite Cabernet lover!

This year my extended family had our usual Thanksgiving celebration at my Uncle's farm on Friday rather than Thursday.

My son and I had already had one (huge, delicious!) Thanksgiving dinner with friends yesterday, so I was extra intent on getting my usual run in even though it was such a cold, blustery day.

My usual run is from the farm to the cemetery where my friend is buried, a friend who was married to my cousin when she died at age 37.

I always get something from visiting that place, and this time it was a mixture of forgiveness, the importance of choosing to love, and a deep understanding that so often the things in life that are most challenging are the most satisfying.

After dinner we played games, as usual, and my sister and Aunt and other family members always like to enjoy some wine together. I don't usually join, but when I heard that the bottle they opened was one that my late friend had brought to the farm (at least six years ago), I knew that I had to at least have a sip.

A bit later, one of my cousins was reminiscing about my wedding in St. John, and he played this song for me on his phone:

Man, I could use a Pina Colada
Little bit of sun on my skin
A hammock, a book
Never gonna look back
Once my feet hit the sand
I've had it up to here with this rat race
Need a smile on my face

...which mentions a bar where he and my other cousin hung out while we were down there:

I want to go where I can lighten up the load
Drive a little while on the wrong side of the road
Get this laying low off to a flying start
Play my guitar in the Caribbean sun
Hang with the locals at the Quiet Mon
Where you can be a tourist, a beach bum, or a star
And be as you are

St. John is certainly an incredible place:

Gettin' stuck sure would be easy
In this palm tree paradise
Ambition fades with every wave
For the finer things in life
Maybe I'll just hang around here
Go home later next year

But I felt pretty darn grateful to be right where I was today, in the midst of my family, all of us imperfect humans, doing our best to love each other. And I could feel the love, more than usual, and so could my kids.

A happy thanksgiving indeed!