Best Part Of Me

My fam laughing nervously at my antics with the Buffalo

I'm not sure why, but google keeps suggesting I listen to certain songs. Did I somehow give the impression that I take requests for this blog? I dunno.

Here's today's selection:

My lungs are black, my heart is pure
My hands are scarred from nights before
And my hair is thinnin', falling out
Of all the wrong places
I am a little insecure

My eyes are crossed, but they're still blue
I bite my nails and tell the truth
I go from thin to overweight
Oh day to day it fluctuates
My skin is inked, but faded too

But she loves me, she loves me
Why the hell she love me
When she could have anyone else?
Oh you love me, you love me
Why the hell do you love me?
'Cause I don't even love myself

Baby, the best part of me is you
And lately everything's making sense too
Oh baby, I'm so in love with you

I overthink and still forgive
I lose my phone and place my bets
And I never catch the train on time
Always thirty minutes behind
Your worries ain't seen nothin' yet

But you love me, you love me
Why the hell you love me so
When you could have anyone else?
Yeah yeah, he loves me, he loves me
And I bet he never lets me go
And shows me ,how to love myself

'Cause, baby, the best part of me is you, woah
Lately everything's making sense too
Baby, I'm so in love with you
(With you)

Baby, the best part of me is you, woah
Lately everything's making sense too
Oh baby, I'm so in love with you

Baby, I'm so in love with you, yeah, yeah
Oh baby, I'm so in love with you

I'd never heard it before. It's pretty lovely, and part of it feels apropos of the situation in which my man and I find ourselves. Because one of the enemies of our harmony, though not the only one, was his sense that he wasn't deserving.

Anyway, on the subject of the best part of me, one of the reasons my kids and I are going to miss him so much is he is, in many ways, saner, more relaxed, funnier, and cooler than I am.

The photo above is a case in point -- when we were at Custer State Park, I wanted to get as close to the Buffalo as I could. I would've liked to give one a big ol' hug and kiss. I didn't, of course, because safety and wild animals and valuing my life. But I did get closer than my family, and closer than they were comfortable with...

I'm Gonna Be (500 miles)

Scenic Point, East Glacier, Montana - my favorite!

What a fantastic road trip across a gorgeous country!

I am so grateful to have had this time on the road with my kids and the New Englander, as we prepare to close the chapter where our lives are closely intertwined.

There were so, so many things I loved about it, among them:

1) Seeing my kids reunited after my son had been away for three months;

Reunited and it feels so good!

2) The absolutely stunning topography of Montana;
3) Revisiting places I went as a child - The Black Hills, Mount Rushmore, the Badlands - this time with my kids;
4) Time together on the road, and the tunes that accompanied us.

Wall Drug just ain't what I thought it was when I was a kid

Number four on that list was often supplied by my daughter, and I especially loved when a song would play that she had independently chosen to put on her phone that just happens to have an important place in my pre-kid history.

This song is a great example of that - it was one of my faves to dance to on my many all-night out occasions in '93-'94 when I lived in Australia:

When I wake up, well, I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who wakes up next to you
When I go out, yeah, I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who goes along with you
If I get drunk, well, I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who gets drunk next to you
And if I haver, yeah, I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who's haverin' to you

But I would walk five hundred miles

Mount Rushmore, from a distance

And I would walk five hundred more
Just to be the man who walked a thousand miles
To fall down at your door

When I'm workin', yes, I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who's workin' hard for you
And when the money comes in for the work I do
I'll pass almost every penny on to you
When I come home (when I come home), oh, I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who comes back home to you
And if I grow old, well, I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who's growin' old with you

But I would walk five hundred miles
And I would walk five hundred more
Just to be the man who walked a thousand miles
To fall down at your door

Ta-da-da-ta, ta-da-da-ta, ta-da-da-ta, ta-da-da-ta
Ta-da-da-dan-te-la-dan-te-la-dan-te-le-la-da-da
Ta-da-da-ta, ta-da-da-ta, ta-da-da-ta, ta-da-da-ta
Ta-da-da-dan-te-la-dan-te-la-dan-te-le-la-da-da

When I'm lonely, well, I know I'm gonna be

Mmmmmmmmmontana

I'm gonna be the man who's lonely without you
And when I'm dreamin', well, I know I'm gonna dream
I'm gonna dream about the time when I'm with you
When I go out (when I go out), well, I know I'm gonna be

The fab four do the Badlands, kinda briefly

I'm gonna be the man who goes along with you
And when I come home (when I come home), yes, I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who comes back home with you
I'm gonna be the man who's comin' home with you

But I would walk five hundred miles
And I would walk five hundred more
Just to be the man who walked a thousand miles
To fall down at your door

What a classic! This song, like this road trip, will always be a treasured memory...

When You Were Young

Mmmmmmmmmmontana  

When we were young, my man and I, we did not get the love we needed or wanted. We both entered adulthood with what I would call gaping wounds from the developmental trauma we endured. We have varying degrees of awareness about that trauma, and we've sought help with recovering from it to varying degrees as well.

All this adds up to, for us as a couple, a potentially volatile situation where one of our triggers winds up triggering the other one and before we know it there's a full scale battle on our hands and we are on opposite sides.

It's exhausting, and it's happened countless times over the past two years and change since we've been living together. It happened again yesterday, on the road, on the way to pick up my son in Seattle.

When it was over, when we both stopped yelling, switched drivers, and entered a kind of stunned silence, I felt something shift inside me.

"No more" I thought. "I can't do this anymore." Over the next 18 hours or so, this feeling crystallized for me. I wanted to be able to treat my man with love and respect at all times, and I wanted the same from him. I knew we'd proven, with this latest blowout, that this isn't possible for us - even after both individual and couple's therapy. Even with the crazy amount that we dig each other. It just doesn't work.

And so we began the process of deciding how to go about uncoupling. Neither of us had done it this way before - still in love - and we didn't really know how.

Lucky for us, we had another 9 days in the car and a soundtrack that included this choice song to help us figure it out:

You sit there in your heartache
Waitin' on some beautiful boy to
To save you from your old ways
You play forgiveness, watch it now, here he comes

He doesn't look a thing like Jesus
But he, talks like a gentleman
Like you imagined when you were young

Can we climb this mountain? I don't know
Higher now than ever before
I know we can make it if we take it slow
Let's take it easy, easy now, watch it go

We're burnin' down the highway skyline
On the back of a hurricane, that started turnin'
When you were young
When you were young

And sometimes you close your eyes
And see the place where you used to live
When you were young

I know that when we are apart, in September, we will sometimes close our eyes and see the place we used to live together. We aren't particularly young - definitely middle-aged by normal standards, but I sometimes think we are figuratively younger because of how we entered adulthood...

Workin' for the Weekend

Here's another classic that's been on repeat for me ever since the road trip, thanks to The Big Cheese, our favorite Wausau area radio station:

Everyone's watching to see what you will do
Everyone's looking at you, oh
Everyone's wondering will you come out tonight
Everyone's trying to get it right, get it right

Everybody's working for the weekend
Everybody wants a new romance
Everybody's going off the deep end
Everybody needs a second chance, oh

You want a piece of my heart?
You better start from the start
You want to be in the show?
C'mon baby, let's go

Everyone's looking to see if it was you
Everyone wants you to come through
Everyone's hoping it'll all work out
Everyone's waiting to hold you out

Everybody's working for the weekend
Everybody wants a new romance, hey yeah
Everybody's going off the deep end
Everybody needs a second chance, oh

I've always resisted the notion of working for the weekend, but man, a long weekend getaway sure reminds one of how powerful the pull of the weekend is!

Little Red Corvette

It was fittingly freezing for our U of M tour

Oh man, how I love Prince. And as I drove my firstborn up to the Twin Cities (my own place of birth), to tour the University of Minnesota, I was feeling a whole lotta things when this song came on the radio.

Most significantly: It's hard to wrap my head around the fact that it is here already -- the year I say goodbye to my firstborn, when he moves to a new city, when the time in our lives where we spend the bulk of it together is coming to an end.

I'm happy for him. He's looking forward to the next chapter. Ready to figure out what he wants to do with his life, to begin again in a new city.

I know that I will adjust. I always do. It's just going to be a monumental loss. Each life contains some of these, and I'm ok with that: it means I'm fully engaged in my life and my son is fully engaged in his. Wouldn't want it any other way.

So glad that I still have three more years with my daughter at home. So glad my man came back.

And always and forever, so, so glad, whenever Prince (RIP) fills the airwaves:

I guess I should've known by the way you parked your car sideways
That it wouldn't last
See, you're the kinda person that believes in makin' out once
Love 'em and leave 'em fast
I guess I must be dumb 'cuz you had a pocket full of horses
Trojan and some of them used

But it was Saturday night, I guess that makes it all right
And you say - "What have I got to lose?"

And honey, I say Little Red Corvette
Baby, you're much too fast (Oh)
Little Red Corvette
You need a love that's gonna last

I guess I should've closed my eyes when you drove me to the place

A little state park time on the way home!

Where your horses run free
Cuz I felt a little ill when I saw all the pictures
Of the jockeys that were there before me
Believe it or not, I started too worry
I wondered if I had enough class

But it was Saturday night, I guess that makes it all right
And you say - "Baby, have you got enough gas?"
Oh yeah!

Little Red Corvette
Baby, you're much too fast (Yes you are)
Little Red Corvette
You need to find a love that's gonna last (Oh, oh)

A body like yours oughta be in jail
Cuz it's on the verge of bein' obscene
Move over, baby, gimme the keys
I'm gonna try to tame your little red love machine

Little Red Corvette
Baby, you're much too fast
Little Red Corvette
Need to find a love that's gonna last, hey hey

Little Red Corvette
Honey, you got to slow down (Got to slow down)
Little Red Corvette
Cuz if you don't, you're gonna run your little red corvette right in the ground
(Little Red Corvette)
Right down to the ground (Honey, you got to slow down)
You, you, you got to slow down
(Little Red Corvette)
You're movin' much too fast, too fast
Need to find a love that's gonna last

Girl, you got an ass like I never seen, ow!
And the ride
I say the ride is so smooth, you must be a limousine
Ow!

Baby, you're much too fast
Little Red Corvette
You need a love, you need a love that's, uh, that's gonna last
(Little Red Corvette)

Babe, you got too slow down (you got too slow down)
Little Red Corvette
Cuz if you don't, cuz if you don't
You're gonna run your body right into the ground (Right into the ground)
Right into the ground (Right into the ground)
Right into the ground (Right into the ground)

Little red corvette!

Bargain

Best I've ever had, ever could have, ever will have. #bestever

This weekend we made the long trek up to our favorite Midwestern spot: Copper Harbor, in the U.P.

It wasn't a perfect weekend for it, by any means: I've been processing traumatic memories (most likely thanks to my mother's birthday on Friday) which means not much sleep and lots of tears, I have a cold, we couldn't get Friday or Monday off work, the forecast was chilly one day and rainy the next...

But it was our last opportunity to get up there this Fall, so we took it. And though it wasn't easy in a lot of ways, it was, as it always is, glorious: the mountain biking, Lake Superior, Brickside Brewery, ahhhh...

And don't forget lots of car time with my man, whether it be driving or sleeping (as we did the second night when it wasn't just cold but pouring rain). That's always a treat.

Especially with a sound track like this:

I'd gladly lose me to find you
I'd gladly give up all I had
To find you I'd suffer anything and be glad

I'd pay any price just to get you
I'd work all my life and I will
To win you I'd stand naked, stoned and stabbed

I'd call that a bargain
The best I ever had
The best I ever had

I'd gladly lose me to find you
I'd gladly give up all I got
To catch you I'm gonna run and never stop

I'd pay any price just to win you
Surrender my good life for bad
To find you I'm gonna drown an unsung man

I'd call that a bargain
The best I ever had
The best I ever had

I sit looking 'round
I look at my face in the mirror
I know I'm worth nothing without you
In life one and one don't make two
One and one make one
And I'm looking for that free ride to me
I'm looking for you

I'd gladly lose me to find you
I'd gladly give up all I got
To catch you I'm gonna run and never stop

I'd pay any price just to win you
Surrender my good life for bad
To find you I'm gonna drown an unsung man

I'd call that a bargain
The best I ever had
The best I ever had

Yes he is!

Hold the Line

The sunset soon after we arrived at Leelanau State Park

My man and I are so pumped about this mini vacation to the Traverse City area on Michigan's lower peninsula!

We love a good road trip, and this one sure hasn't disappointed.

Not to mention the mountain biking we found today -- wow! 18 miles of gorgeous, flowy woods that we had almost entirely to ourselves. It was an incredible ride.

I was so tired afterward that I was tempted to sleep at the trail head after our picnic dinner, but my boyfriend had enough left in his tank to drive the additional 1.5 hours to our beautiful campsite on Lake Michigan.

And the next morning under the bright sky!

Cranking good tunes always helps the miles tick by faster -- and we are both feeling that this Toto song tells a little bit of our story, seeing as it took a few years for us to get to where we are now:

It's not in the way that you hold me
It's not in the way you say you care
It's not in the way you've been treating my friends
It's not in the way that you'll stay till the end
It's not in the way you look or the things that you say that you do

Hold the line
Love isn't always on time
Whoa oh oh
Hold the line
Love isn't always on time
Whoa oh oh

It's not in the words that you told me
It's not in the way you say you're mine
It's not in the way that you came back to me
It's not in the way that your love set me free
It's not in the way you look or the things that you say that you do

Hold the line
Love isn't always on time
Whoa oh oh
Hold the line
Love isn't always on time
Whoa oh oh

Nope, it isn't. Or it doesn't always feel like it is. But when it comes, when it fully arrives, ooooohhhh baby, it is worth every second of waiting, every moment of heartbreak, every tear -- it's so freakin' awesome!

Cherry Pie

I'm his sweet cherry pie alright - and I'm so glad!

Ahhhhh, the time for our road trip to the U.P. has finally arrived, and we were lucky enough to hear this rockin' number as we closed in on our hotel in Eagle River:

She's my cherry pie
Cool drink of water such a sweet surprise
Tastes so good makes a grown man cry
Sweet Cherry Pie

Swingin' on the front porch
Swingin' on the lawn
Swingin' where we want
'Cause there ain't nobody home
Swingin' to the left
And swingin' to the right
If I think about baseball
I'll swing all night yea

Swingin' in the living room
Swingin' in the kitchen
Most folks don't 'cause
They're too busy bitchin'
Swingin' in there 'cause
She wanted me to feed her
So I mixed up the batter
And she licked the beater

I scream you scream
We all scream for her
Don't even try 'cause
You can't ignore her

She's my cherry pie
Cool drink of water
Such a sweet surprise
Tastes so good
Make a grown man cry
Sweet cherry pie oh yea
She's my cherry pie
Put a smile on your face
Ten miles wide
Looks so good
Bring a tear to your eye
Sweet cherry pie

Best Western here we come!

Love on the Brain

That's right -- This Dodge Dart was all OURS!

My kids and I spent all last week road trippin' around the Pacific Northwest.

We really loved it, and more often than not, we heard this song when we were cruising around:

And you got me like oh
What you want from me?
What you want from me?
And I tried to buy your pretty heart, but the price too high
Baby, you got me like oh, mm
You love when I fall apart, fall apart
So you can put me together
And throw me against the wall

Baby, you got me like ah, woo, ah
Don't you stop loving me, loving me
Don't quit loving me, loving me
Just start loving me, loving me, babe

Oh, and, babe, I'm fist fighting with fire
Just to get close to you
Can we burn something, babe?

Love, love, love the Oregon coast -- this spot is Newport

And I run for miles just to get a taste
Must be love on the brain
That's got me feeling this way
It beats me black and blue but it fucks me so good
And I can't get enough
Must be love on the brain, yeah
And it keeps cursing my name, cursing my name
No matter what I do
I'm no good without you
And I can't get enough
Must be love on the brain

You know me. I always have love on the brain:

Then you keep loving me
Just love me, yeah

Oh Seattle, how we loved you -- and your seals!

Just love me
All you need to do is love me yeah
Got me like ah-ah-ah-ow
I'm tired of being played like a violin
What do I gotta do to get in your motherfuckin' heart?

Baby, like ah, woo, ah
Don't you stop loving me, loving me
Don't quit loving me, loving me
Just start loving me, loving me, babe

Oh, and, babe, I'm fist fighting with fire
Just to get close to you
Can we burn something, babe?
And I run for miles just to get a taste
Must be love on the brain
That's got me feeling this way
It beats me black and blue but it fucks me so good
And I can't get enough
Must be love on the brain
And it keeps cursing my name, cursing my name
No matter what I do
I'm no good without you
And I can't get enough
Must be love on the brain

Yeah it is!