I'm Gonna Be (500 miles)

Scenic Point, East Glacier, Montana - my favorite!

What a fantastic road trip across a gorgeous country!

I am so grateful to have had this time on the road with my kids and the New Englander, as we prepare to close the chapter where our lives are closely intertwined.

There were so, so many things I loved about it, among them:

1) Seeing my kids reunited after my son had been away for three months;

Reunited and it feels so good!

2) The absolutely stunning topography of Montana;
3) Revisiting places I went as a child - The Black Hills, Mount Rushmore, the Badlands - this time with my kids;
4) Time together on the road, and the tunes that accompanied us.

Wall Drug just ain't what I thought it was when I was a kid

Number four on that list was often supplied by my daughter, and I especially loved when a song would play that she had independently chosen to put on her phone that just happens to have an important place in my pre-kid history.

This song is a great example of that - it was one of my faves to dance to on my many all-night out occasions in '93-'94 when I lived in Australia:

When I wake up, well, I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who wakes up next to you
When I go out, yeah, I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who goes along with you
If I get drunk, well, I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who gets drunk next to you
And if I haver, yeah, I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who's haverin' to you

But I would walk five hundred miles

Mount Rushmore, from a distance

And I would walk five hundred more
Just to be the man who walked a thousand miles
To fall down at your door

When I'm workin', yes, I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who's workin' hard for you
And when the money comes in for the work I do
I'll pass almost every penny on to you
When I come home (when I come home), oh, I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who comes back home to you
And if I grow old, well, I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who's growin' old with you

But I would walk five hundred miles
And I would walk five hundred more
Just to be the man who walked a thousand miles
To fall down at your door

Ta-da-da-ta, ta-da-da-ta, ta-da-da-ta, ta-da-da-ta
Ta-da-da-dan-te-la-dan-te-la-dan-te-le-la-da-da
Ta-da-da-ta, ta-da-da-ta, ta-da-da-ta, ta-da-da-ta
Ta-da-da-dan-te-la-dan-te-la-dan-te-le-la-da-da

When I'm lonely, well, I know I'm gonna be

Mmmmmmmmmontana

I'm gonna be the man who's lonely without you
And when I'm dreamin', well, I know I'm gonna dream
I'm gonna dream about the time when I'm with you
When I go out (when I go out), well, I know I'm gonna be

The fab four do the Badlands, kinda briefly

I'm gonna be the man who goes along with you
And when I come home (when I come home), yes, I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who comes back home with you
I'm gonna be the man who's comin' home with you

But I would walk five hundred miles
And I would walk five hundred more
Just to be the man who walked a thousand miles
To fall down at your door

What a classic! This song, like this road trip, will always be a treasured memory...

Can I Sleep in Your Brain?

Gorgeous sunset in West Seattle

 Super weird song title, am I right?

I heard this song for the first time while out in Washington with my boyfriend, visiting my son, and thought it was weirdly cool:

Can I sleep in your brain tonight, stranger?
Can I rest my bones in your head?
I won't make too much noise
While I stay here
I just need some kind of shelter

Anywhere I try to go
I'm still stuck in my own skull
And lately
That's no kind of place to call home
All the walls are falling down
Garbage lying all around
Is there maybe room

My college student skiing in the mountains!

In your temporal lobe?

Can I sleep in your brain tonight, stranger?
Can I spend one night on your mind?
I can't live with this pain
With this anger
And I need someplace else to go

I wanna sleep in your brain
I wanna wake you up early
I wanna make you black coffee if
You like. (Yeah.)

I'll do whatever's required of me
To have the roof of your brain
Above me. I've got nowhere else I
Can stay tonight

Can I sleep in your brain?

My man and I pretending we live in Magnolia

We had a pretty great trip all things considered. There was super awesome snow in the mountains, which made my man happy.

I got to see my kid, so that made me happy.

We didn't sleep in anyone's brain, but we did sleep at the houses of two different friends, enjoying deluxe accommodations for zero dollars. That was awesome.

I went to yoga practice with the incomparable Troy Lucero five days in a row which was awesome AND helped me shift the shame cloud that had been hanging over me after acting like a human battering ram during the trip out.

I don't know what gets into me. I just get so agitated when I travel, and it comes out in not pleasant for me or the people around me ways.

It makes me feel like I need someplace else to go, or someone else to be, and my practice brings me right back to the knowledge that I am exactly where and who I need to be...

Lucky Star

My lucky star for so many family trips here...

I felt soooooo lucky when my cousin said it would work for my man and I to come visit when he and his husband were planning to be at the cottage on Lake Michigan where our families vacationed together as kids.

Many of those trips were HARD because of the difficult dynamics of our respective families, and I was SO grateful for my relationship with this cousin. We'd spend hours together, talking, walking, swimming and being away from the mayhem that awaited us back at the cottage.

My cousin and I are both huge Madonna fans, and when my man and I were driving to Onekama, we heard this song:

You must be my Lucky Star
'Cause you shine on me wherever you are
I just think of you and I start to glow
And I need your light
And baby you know

Family photo with Frenchies! We love their doggies too.

Starlight, starbright first star I see tonight
Starlight, [starbright] make everything all right
Starlight, starbright first star I see tonight
Starlight, [starbright] yeah

You must be my Lucky Star
'Cause you make the darkness seem so far
And when I'm lost you'll be my guide
I just turn around and you're by my side

Of course, these days, we both have someone really great by our sides all the time - my boyfriend and his husband. It was awesome to all hang out together -- we had an amazing time.

We even listened to some Madonna, just for old time's sake:

Come on shine your heavenly body tonight
'Cause I know you're gonna make everything all right

You may be my lucky star
But I'm the luckiest by far

Soooooooooo incredibly lucky!

Ride

Woke up in the wee hours with the chorus of this song playing on the internal ipod:

I've been thinking too much
I've been thinking too much
I've been thinking too much
I've been thinking too much
(help me)
I've been thinking too much (I've been thinking too much)
I've been thinking too much (Help me)
I've been thinking too much (I've been thinking too much)
I've been thinking too much

And it's true. About my life. I have been thinking too much. About work. About men. About money. About kids.

I managed to mostly take a break from that in Cali, and man, was it blissful:

Oh, oh, I'm falling, so I'm taking my time on my ride
Oh, I'm falling, so I'm taking my time
Taking my time on my ride

The beautiful streets of Berkeley: Best seen by bike

Loved, loved, loved having the mental break out there. Loved taking my time on my ride, too.

I hope I can keep some mental space as I dive back into my insanely busy life here:

I've been thinking too much
Help me
I've been thinking too much
Help me

I've been thinking too much (I've been thinking too much)
I've been thinking too much (help me)
I've been thinking too much (I've been thinking too much)
I've been thinking too much
Help me

Don't Turn Around

The crew at the top of the "Beehive"

We had such a wonderful time at Acadia. Whale watching, sea kayaking, hiking, camping -- it was all really, really great.

We didn't leave to drive back to Portland until about 8pm, so it was late and we were all tired. I volunteered to drive since I'd had a caffeinated latte that afternoon which is not something my body takes lightly.

We all chatted for part of the trip, but then my daughter and my ex fell asleep and my son was playing a video game. Luckily, I had plenty of good tunes to listen to, including this one that felt quite apropos as I sang along:

I will survive without you

Don't tell me that you wanna leave

If you wanna leave
I won't beg you to stay
And if you gotta go darling
Maybe it's better that way
I'm gonna be strong
I'm gonna do fine
Don't worry about this heart of mine
Just walk out the door
See if I care
Go on and go, but

Don't turn around
'Cause you're gonna see my heart breaking
Don't turn around
I don't want you seeing me cry
Just walk away
It's tearing me apart that you're leaving
I'm letting you go
But I won't let you know
I won't let you know

Unlike my Ace of Base friends, I have let him know. And he wouldn't believe for a second that I don't miss his arms around me holding me tight. I don't know that I've ever missed anything more:

I won't miss your arms around me
Holding me tight
And if you ever think about me
Just know that I'll be alright
I'm gonna be strong
I'm gonna do fine
Don't worry about this heart of mine
I will survive
I'll make it through
I'll even learn to live without you

I know I will. I just wish I didn't have to, and being back with him this week is reminding me, as I knew it would, of all the things I love about him:

I wish I could scream out loud
That I love you
I wish I could say to you
Don't go

I felt that way as he was leaving Madison, but I knew I couldn't ask him to stay if it wasn't what his heart was telling him to do. And there's something about him here that feels healthier than it did when he was living in Wisconsin. If him going means getting healthier, then I feel like I have to be for that, even if my heart refuses to play along:

Don't turn around
'Cause you're gonna see my heart breaking
Don't turn around
I don't want you seeing me cry
Just walk away
It's tearing me apart that you're leaving
I'm letting you go

And I am. I did it once before, and then he thought he might come back after all, and then I told him the things I felt were issues that needed to be worked out before that could happen AND he had a big drag of a personal issue he had to deal with, and by May, we felt we had no choice but to call it quits. Being back together this week makes that seem like a huge mistake -- letting us go -- but I can't make that decision for both of us and I don't want to be with him if he isn't able to joyfully make the choice to be with me...

Jealous Guy

Gorgeous weather and gorgeous scenery at Acadia

Before my kids and I left for Maine, I had at least one friend tell me not to go. She recounted a tale of a trip her mother took her on, to Europe, with her Mom's ex-boyfriend, that was super uncomfortable for her. I felt pretty strongly that going was the right thing to do, but hearing this made me more aware of the potential for discomfort on my kids' part.

And it can't be comfortable when your mother cries, as I did when we heard this song (the Roxy music cover) while we were all driving around Acadia National Park:

I was dreaming of the past
And my heart was beating fast
I began to lose control
I began to lose control
I didn't mean to hurt you
I'm sorry that I made you cry
I didn't mean to hurt you
I'm just a jealous guy

I know that my favorite New Englander didn't mean to hurt me. But even in the first 24 hours, I found being with him and not being with him really difficult. It felt wrong on a physical level, it felt wrong on a spiritual level, and it felt wrong on an emotional level.

We weren't sure how to navigate spending a week together with my kids after we broke up, but as it drew closer, I was feeling like we might as well spend the week loving each other since I knew that would be what felt the most natural. That is until two days before I left, when I found out he'd slept with someone else. I didn't know at first -- I didn't ask and he didn't specify -- whether it was before or after we broke up on May 1. Turns out it was after, but in any case, it brought up feelings of the very same jealousy and insecurity of which Roxy music sings (Elliot Smith also does a brilliant cover):

I was feeling insecure
You might not love me anymore
I was shivering inside
I was shivering inside
I didn't mean to hurt you
I'm sorry that I made you cry
I didn't want to hurt you
I'm just a jealous guy

I was trying to catch your eye
Thought that you were trying to hide
I was swallowing my pain
I was swallowing my pain
I didn't mean to hurt you
I'm sorry that I made you cry
I didn't mean to hurt you

I knew my favorite New Englander was sorry to make me cry, but I found being in his presence and not being his girlfriend tragic. Sounds dramatic, I know, but that's how it felt. Wrong. I guess I'm lucky he lives so far away. I can't imagine what it is like for people who still love their ex and have to see them on a regular basis...

House By The Sea

Both the scenery and the food are super idyllic at Surf's Up

Once we'd had our fill of pancakes in the room for breakfast and nachos and guac by the pool for lunch -- which didn't happen until the second to last day -- we made our way down the beach to a little cafe called Surf's Up.

The food was so tasty at breakfast -- and the spot was so beautiful -- that we decided to venture back for lunch again later. The cafe is the inspiration of a woman who moved there from Vancouver, BC. Chatting with her, she said she loved Vancouver but being in the hospitality business is so much more fun when it's warm all the time and people are always in a good mood.

She and her man live on site, and having recently heard this little gem on the radio, it started to play on internal radio as my kids and I climbed back down to the ocean with our boogie boards after lunch, ready to catch some more waves:

They say home is the place where your heart is
Then I am home now, though I am far away
For so long I've let the forest guard it
And now it's begging me to stay
And I'm trying my best to be tough
To pretend I am strong and can siphon it off
But I'm not who I wanted to be
In my heart I belong in a house by the sea

I can relate to this song, being an ocean-lover myself. I hope someday I will reside in a house by the sea:

They say home is a place where you're needed
Then I am home now, but I am leaving
To feel my feet being kissed by the seaweed
And I will be silent and kiss it back
This is not who I want you to see
It's just adding on weight to the darkness in me
And from the little I have understood
I believe that a house by the sea would do good

But for now, I'm content just to visit, since home is the place where I can be with my kids:

They say home is a place you can choose to be
And I've decided to carry home inside me
So it's not really as if I am leaving
It's more like something pulling me
Because behind everything that I do
I just want to forget, want to carry this through
Fill my lungs with the sweet summer air
In my heart, in my mind I am already there

It wasn't easy to learn how to carry home inside me -- I spent years convinced it wasn't even possible -- but I'm here to say it is quite possible.

Doesn't make it any less sweet to get to be in the ocean again, though:

Yeah behind everything that I do
I just want to come home and lay down beside you
And then I'll be who I wanted to be
In my heart I belong in a house by the sea