It's Only

Today was the day my extended family celebrated Thanksgiving. My daughter went, but my son and I stayed home. We spent part of the day hanging out together, and then when his friends came over, I retired to my room for a nap. I'm still sick, so I'm trying to get as much rest as I can.

But at about 6:15pm, when I realized my son was going to be going out, I realized I needed to get myself in motion too. So I went to a yoga class at a nearby studio, where the instructor played this song:

I heard the news today;
That you’re not mine to keep.
Don’t struggle too much now
While I kill you in your sleep.

What is lust if it’s not being by yourself?
I won’t be gentle to the body on the shelf

It’s only water
It’s only fire
It’s only love

It’s only slaughter
We’re only liars
It’s only blood

They’re only thoughts that I’m having;
Thoughts safe within my head.
You’re only crying
You’re only dying
You’re only red.

I heard the news today,
That you weren’t mine to save
I hope that you’re comfortable
In the quiet lasting grave

What is lust if it’s not being by yourself?
I won’t be gentle to the body on the shelf.

It’s only water
It’s only fire
It’s only love

It’s only slaughter
We’re only liars
It’s only blood

They’re only thoughts that I’m having;
Thoughts safe within my head.
You’re only crying
You’re only dying
You’re only dead

It’s only water
It’s only fire
It’s only love

It’s only slaughter
We’re only liars
It’s only blood

They’re only thoughts that I’m having;
Thoughts safe within my head.
You’re only crying
You’re only dying
You’re only dead

And it just fit how I was feeling, in a sad, morbid kind of way. The old me is dead -- the one that was willing to pretend and put on a show to make people think everything's alright in my family of origin...

Jealous Guy

Gorgeous weather and gorgeous scenery at Acadia

Before my kids and I left for Maine, I had at least one friend tell me not to go. She recounted a tale of a trip her mother took her on, to Europe, with her Mom's ex-boyfriend, that was super uncomfortable for her. I felt pretty strongly that going was the right thing to do, but hearing this made me more aware of the potential for discomfort on my kids' part.

And it can't be comfortable when your mother cries, as I did when we heard this song (the Roxy music cover) while we were all driving around Acadia National Park:

I was dreaming of the past
And my heart was beating fast
I began to lose control
I began to lose control
I didn't mean to hurt you
I'm sorry that I made you cry
I didn't mean to hurt you
I'm just a jealous guy

I know that my favorite New Englander didn't mean to hurt me. But even in the first 24 hours, I found being with him and not being with him really difficult. It felt wrong on a physical level, it felt wrong on a spiritual level, and it felt wrong on an emotional level.

We weren't sure how to navigate spending a week together with my kids after we broke up, but as it drew closer, I was feeling like we might as well spend the week loving each other since I knew that would be what felt the most natural. That is until two days before I left, when I found out he'd slept with someone else. I didn't know at first -- I didn't ask and he didn't specify -- whether it was before or after we broke up on May 1. Turns out it was after, but in any case, it brought up feelings of the very same jealousy and insecurity of which Roxy music sings (Elliot Smith also does a brilliant cover):

I was feeling insecure
You might not love me anymore
I was shivering inside
I was shivering inside
I didn't mean to hurt you
I'm sorry that I made you cry
I didn't want to hurt you
I'm just a jealous guy

I was trying to catch your eye
Thought that you were trying to hide
I was swallowing my pain
I was swallowing my pain
I didn't mean to hurt you
I'm sorry that I made you cry
I didn't mean to hurt you

I knew my favorite New Englander was sorry to make me cry, but I found being in his presence and not being his girlfriend tragic. Sounds dramatic, I know, but that's how it felt. Wrong. I guess I'm lucky he lives so far away. I can't imagine what it is like for people who still love their ex and have to see them on a regular basis...

Last Goodbye

Today had a distinctive Jeff Buckley feel to it, and by that I mean melancholy. Hard. And given the reason for the melancholy and the hardness, I thought this would be an appropriate song with which to mark this day:

This is our last goodbye
I hate to feel the love between us die
But it's over
Just hear this and then I'll go
You gave me more to live for
More than you'll ever know

This is our last embrace
Must I dream and always see your face
Why can't we overcome this wall
Well, maybe it's just because I didn't know you at all

Kiss me, please kiss me
But kiss me out of desire, babe, and not consolation
You know it makes me so angry 'cause I know that in time
I'll only make you cry, this is our last goodbye

Did you say 'no, this can't happen to me,'
And did you rush to the phone to call
Was there a voice unkind in the back of your mind
Saying maybe you didn't know him at all
You didn't know him at all, oh, you didn't know

Well, the bells out in the church tower chime
Burning clues into this heart of mine
Thinking so hard on her soft eyes and the memories
Offer signs that it's over... it's over

Yes it is. I tried to tell my kids that, but they said: "That's what you said the last time, Mom." Hmmm. I guess it is possible that I did say that before, and I guess I understand that they can't feel or understand the difference between the two times. They don't know, at least not on a conscious level, what's different about me that makes this time different.

I also told their Dad that my relationship was over, because it doesn't work very well to get that kind of information secondhand from the kids. He was nice about it, but it wasn't a comfortable feeling by any stretch of the imagination.

Comfort was something today just refused to offer, and by the end of it, I was not in good shape. I yelled at my daughter, and that never makes either of us feel good. Afterward, I asked both of my kids to come and talk to me.

"I'm angry" I told them. "Not at you, at life, but it is causing me to overreact to things that irritate me in our interactions and I'm sorry about that. I will do what I can to express it appropriately, and I'll go to yoga in the morning. That will help. In the meantime, if you could just try not to give me a hard time about doing things that you know are your jobs, that'd really help."

And they really seemed to hear me...

Feather on the Clyde

Yesterday was one emotional day, and I mainly mean the sad variety, but there was a bright spot: An email from my first love, fellow lyric lover, and forever friend, passing this song on to me:

Well there’s a river that runs through Glasgow
And makes her but it breaks her and takes her into the parks
And her current just like my blood flows
Down from the hills, round aching bones to my restless heart

Well I would swim but the river is so wide
And I’m scared I won’t make it to the other side
Well God knows I’ve failed but He knows that I’ve tried
I long for something that’s safe and warm
But all I have is all that is gone
I’m as helpless and as hopeless as a feather on the Clyde

Well on one side all the lights glow
And the folks know and the kids go where the music and the drinking starts
On the other side where no cars go
Up to the hills that stand alone like my restless heart

Well I would swim but the river is so wide
And I’m scared I won’t make it to the other side
Well God knows I’ve failed but He knows that I’ve tried
I long for something that’s safe and warm
But all I have is all that is gone
I’m as helpless and as hopeless as a feather on the Clyde

Well the sun sets late in Glasgow
And the daylight and the city part
And I think of you in Glasgow
Cos you’re all that’s safe, you’re all that’s warm in my restless heart

Yesiree, I've got a restless heart, too, only it's not finding a lot of warmth or safety these days.

Off to therapy this morning for some help and hope...