Don't Turn Around

The crew at the top of the "Beehive"

We had such a wonderful time at Acadia. Whale watching, sea kayaking, hiking, camping -- it was all really, really great.

We didn't leave to drive back to Portland until about 8pm, so it was late and we were all tired. I volunteered to drive since I'd had a caffeinated latte that afternoon which is not something my body takes lightly.

We all chatted for part of the trip, but then my daughter and my ex fell asleep and my son was playing a video game. Luckily, I had plenty of good tunes to listen to, including this one that felt quite apropos as I sang along:

I will survive without you

Don't tell me that you wanna leave

If you wanna leave
I won't beg you to stay
And if you gotta go darling
Maybe it's better that way
I'm gonna be strong
I'm gonna do fine
Don't worry about this heart of mine
Just walk out the door
See if I care
Go on and go, but

Don't turn around
'Cause you're gonna see my heart breaking
Don't turn around
I don't want you seeing me cry
Just walk away
It's tearing me apart that you're leaving
I'm letting you go
But I won't let you know
I won't let you know

Unlike my Ace of Base friends, I have let him know. And he wouldn't believe for a second that I don't miss his arms around me holding me tight. I don't know that I've ever missed anything more:

I won't miss your arms around me
Holding me tight
And if you ever think about me
Just know that I'll be alright
I'm gonna be strong
I'm gonna do fine
Don't worry about this heart of mine
I will survive
I'll make it through
I'll even learn to live without you

I know I will. I just wish I didn't have to, and being back with him this week is reminding me, as I knew it would, of all the things I love about him:

I wish I could scream out loud
That I love you
I wish I could say to you
Don't go

I felt that way as he was leaving Madison, but I knew I couldn't ask him to stay if it wasn't what his heart was telling him to do. And there's something about him here that feels healthier than it did when he was living in Wisconsin. If him going means getting healthier, then I feel like I have to be for that, even if my heart refuses to play along:

Don't turn around
'Cause you're gonna see my heart breaking
Don't turn around
I don't want you seeing me cry
Just walk away
It's tearing me apart that you're leaving
I'm letting you go

And I am. I did it once before, and then he thought he might come back after all, and then I told him the things I felt were issues that needed to be worked out before that could happen AND he had a big drag of a personal issue he had to deal with, and by May, we felt we had no choice but to call it quits. Being back together this week makes that seem like a huge mistake -- letting us go -- but I can't make that decision for both of us and I don't want to be with him if he isn't able to joyfully make the choice to be with me...

All That She Wants

One particular line of this song keeps running through my head:

She leads a lonely life
She leads a lonely life

It sounds, inside my head, just as it sounds in the actual song -- oddly upbeat. It doesn't feel like a bad thing, necessarily, but when my babies aren't here, my life outside work and yoga is a pretty solitary affair.

Another reason that those lyrics never bring me down is that they remind me of the nights in Kings Cross -- the red light district in Sydney (yep, Australia) where my friends and I would dance to this song at the KCH in the wee hours of the morning (no such thing as bar time there):

When she woke up late in the morning light
And the day had just begun
She opened up her eyes and thought
Oh what a morning
It's not a day for work
It's a day for catching tan
Just lying on the beach and having fun
She's going to get you

All that she wants is another baby
She's gone tomorrow boy
All that she wants is another baby
All that she wants is another baby
She's gone tomorrow boy
All that she wants is another baby
All that she wants - all that she wants

In those days -- I was 22 -- all that I wanted wasn't another baby. I didn't have any babies yet, and although I knew I wanted them, I wasn't ready. Fast forward a couple of decades to find me now -- at 42 -- with two babies, and although it isn't accurate to say all that I want is another baby, I still dream about it, and I know that my experience with mothering in this world won't be limited to the two children I've given birth to so far. Maybe I'll become a stepmother, maybe my next partner and I will adopt or foster, or maybe I will have another baby.

Who knows? All I know is I'm excited to see what's coming.

I love the next verse, so I'm gonna close with it even if, as astute readers will recognize, trapping a man into being my babydaddy is NOT one of the options I'm considering:

So if you are in sight and the day is right
She's the hunter you're the fox
The gentle voice that talks to you won't talk forever
It is a night for passion
But the morning means goodbye
Beware of what is flashing in her eyes
She's going to get you

All that she wants is another baby
She's gone tomorrow boy
All that she wants is another baby
All that she wants is another baby
She's gone tomorrow boy
All that she wants is another baby...

All That She Wants

There's just something about Leos -- so many important people in my life have the sign of the lion. Today is both my sister's birthday and one of my dearest faraway friends. It's been a crazy day, too -- I called my sister to wish her a happy birthday and she told me our mother had fallen off her bike and landed on her head and was in the hospital with a severe concussion. I talked to my mom this evening, and she's ok. She's even thinking of buying a helmet (she's never been big on safety). And then a bunch of minor things happened -- a glass got broken in the kitchen, not one but two glasses of milk were spilled at dinner -- it just seems like something is a bit off.

Since I didn't get to speak to her, I wanted to choose a song today in celebration of my friend. She was with me on many an all night revel, and we danced to a lot of songs together, but this is the one that came up for me. I have particularly fond memories of her moves during this part of the song:

So if you are in sight and the day is right
She's the hunter you're the fox
The gentle voice that talks to you won't talk forever
It is a night for passion
But the morning means goodbye
Beware of what is flashing in her eyes
She's going to get you

I hope it won't be too much longer before we're back on the dance floor together again.

I wonder, too, if this song is the one that came up because I started the morning at my OB/GYN office surrounded by pregnant women and wishing for that brand of big belly? It's not all that I want, I swear!