Ride

Woke up in the wee hours with the chorus of this song playing on the internal ipod:

I've been thinking too much
I've been thinking too much
I've been thinking too much
I've been thinking too much
(help me)
I've been thinking too much (I've been thinking too much)
I've been thinking too much (Help me)
I've been thinking too much (I've been thinking too much)
I've been thinking too much

And it's true. About my life. I have been thinking too much. About work. About men. About money. About kids.

I managed to mostly take a break from that in Cali, and man, was it blissful:

Oh, oh, I'm falling, so I'm taking my time on my ride
Oh, I'm falling, so I'm taking my time
Taking my time on my ride

The beautiful streets of Berkeley: Best seen by bike

Loved, loved, loved having the mental break out there. Loved taking my time on my ride, too.

I hope I can keep some mental space as I dive back into my insanely busy life here:

I've been thinking too much
Help me
I've been thinking too much
Help me

I've been thinking too much (I've been thinking too much)
I've been thinking too much (help me)
I've been thinking too much (I've been thinking too much)
I've been thinking too much
Help me

Cold Beer With Your Name On It

I have a tendency to ride my bike in whatever I'm wearing, even when it's a short skirt or dress and heels. And it usually works out pretty well.

But today I happened to be wearing a pencil skirt that just kept riding higher and higher. And wouldn't you know that this would happen when a dude driving a truck and blaring this country number pulled up next to me at a red light:

I hear you're out there now and you're doing alright
A new lease on life in Hollywood
Riding around with the ragtop down
Bet the west coast sun looks good on you

Wasn't very long ago we were sitting
On a lost dirt road by the railroad tracks
If you ever think about that
And wonder where I'm at and wanna come back

I'm sitting on a tailgate in the middle of a stargaze
Wishing you were in my arms
Chilling right here, baby if you want it
I've got a cold beer with your name on it
Back 40 on a Friday night
Me and you dancing in the firelight
Girl you gotta admit it sounds pretty good, don't it?
I've got a cold beer with your name on it

Pop the top, kick back like we used to do
Sipping all night long to your favorite tunes
If you ever get tired of the concrete life,
Those honking horns, them flashing lights

Got a jar of shine if you need it,
Under the seat, you know where I keep it
Hey girl turn off your cell phone,
Put your blue jeans on, get back home

I'm sitting on a tailgate in the middle of a stargaze
Wishing you were in my arms
Chilling right here, baby if you want it
I've got a cold beer with your name on it
Back 40 on a Friday night
Me and you dancing in the firelight
Girl you gotta admit it sounds pretty good, don't it?
I've got a cold beer with your name on it

Cooler loaded down, picture perfect view
All that's missing now is… you

I'm sitting on a tailgate in the middle of a stargaze
Wishing you were in my arms
Chilling right here, baby if you want it
I've got a cold beer with your name on it
Back 40 on a Friday night
Me and you dancing in the firelight
Girl you gotta admit it sounds pretty good, don't it?

No sir, I'm afraid I don't.

Ghost

I've been riding my road bike around town a ton lately, and I'm happy to report that this morning, en route to a friend's house to carpool to practice, my inner ipod started playing this number:

I keep going to the river to pray
'Cause I need something that can wash out the pain
And at most I'm sleeping all these demons away
But your ghost, the ghost of you
It keeps me awake

As happy as putting many miles on my bike makes me, I'm even happier to report that although I understand all too well the pain that's left when someone super important to you ghosts, I'm not living it anymore. Perhaps in part, this new freedom I'm feeling has to do with the fact that I finally wised up and drew a line in the sand about contact. I finally sent a clear message saying what my heart and my body had been telling me all along: "It's gotta be all or nothing with this one, baby."

And I can live with nothing. It's the in between that's a killer. It's the thinking that maybe:

Each time that I think you're gone
I turn around and you're creeping in
And I let you under my skin
Guess I love living in the sin

Oh you never told me
True love was gonna hurt
True pain I don't deserve
Truth is that I never learn

Actually, Ella, truth is that I have learned. I'll admit, it was a lesson that took a while to sink in, but I've got it now:

Give up the ghost
Give up the ghost
Give up the ghost
Stop the haunting baby

'Cause you're either all in or you're all out of Archie...

Back in the Game

I woke up this morning to get ready to go to practice, looked outside, and decided to ride my bike downtown.

Business as usual for Archie -- but today is the first time in two weeks that I've had my normal amount of energy -- and it feels good.

Now heavy metal is not business as usual for me, but I gotta admit, sometimes, I like it like this:

Let's play
It's been a hard road but I'm almost home
As the lights fade to black
Hear the roar of the crowd
Ten thousand loud
It's good to be back

Feel the sting the sweat
Of the back of my neck
It's been way too long
Like a ricochet I hit the stage (or the bike path)
Lets get it on

Yep, and this song is apropos in more ways than one, because I'm back in the dating game, too:

I'm back in the game
Breaking hearts again
You better watch out
Coz I'm back in the game
I'm back in the game
Kickin' ass again
No stopping me now
It's like I've never been away
So you better watch out
Coz I'm back in the game
Oh yeah

I'm built to last I'll never crash
I'm invincible tonight
Feel the energy running over me
Like a bolt from the sky
Go another round in another town
I strike and then I'm gone
I'm a high octane hurricane
Let's get it on

The shirtless frontman in this band's got one on me here -- cause sometimes, I do crash -- on my bike, in my love life. But I always get back in the game eventually:

I'm back in the game
Breaking hearts again
You better watch out
Coz I'm back in the game
I'm back in the game
Kickin' ass again
No stopping me now
It's like I've never been away
So you better watch out
Coz I'm back in the game
Oh yeah

Oh yeah...

Wind of Change

This morning when I woke up to get ready for practice, I realized that it was super warm (relatively speaking) and I didn't have my kids, so it was a perfect day to get out my bike for the am commute.

I was so happy pedaling myself downtown! I've driven more this winter than I have in the past five, and it's no good, so I'm SUPER excited that the temps are rising and biking is more feasible again.

Yep, it was really lovely out for my morning ride, but by the time I went out running with a friend, and especially by the time I headed home, it was crazy windy.

So on my bikeride this afternoon I was thinking about lots of things, among them:

1) It has been a long time since my quads have had a day where they really felt the burn, but today, with 12 miles of riding, 75 minute practice and a 5 mile run, they did;

2) I am REALLY excited about my upcoming job interview and I'm feeling so supported by my network of friends and colleagues, all of whom are pulling for me;

3) It is really difficult to ride into the wind but I am hoping that this wind is the one of which the Scorpions speak, the wind of change:

The world is closing in
Did you ever think
That we could be so close, like brothers
The future's in the air
I can feel it everywhere
Blowing with the wind of change

I can feel the future in the air too, my rocking German friends, I can feel it too:

Take me to the magic of the moment
On a glory night
Where the children of tomorrow dream away
in the wind of change

And I think it's going to be good for those children of tomorrow, at least, if I have anything to say about it:

The wind of change
Blows straight into the face of time
Like a stormwind that will ring the freedom bell...

As my friend Martin would say, let (that) freedom ring!

Better Together

Sunrise on my bike ride this morning

Last night I went to a power flow yoga class with a couple of friends. Power flow isn't my favorite style of yoga but I had already done Ashtanga and I do enjoy the person who teaches the Tuesday night class. He reminds me a bit of my favorite cousin whom I adore and my friend and I always end up giggling in his class.

During savasana, he played this song, which came back to me on my bikeride to practice this morning:

There is no combination of words I could put on the back of a postcard
No song that I could sing, but I can try for your heart
Our dreams, and they are made out of real things
Like a, shoebox of photographs
With sepia-toned loving
Love is the answer,
At least for most of the questions in my heart
Like why are we here? And where do we go?
And how come it's so hard?
It's not always easy and
Sometimes life can be deceiving
I'll tell you one thing, it's always better when we're together

And I thought about the change I've undergone in the last six months or so. I now know, in a way that I didn't before, that I am an amazing partner in so many ways. And I know I deserve an amazing partner. And I know I didn't have one with my last boyfriend. And I know I will have one when the time is right.

And when I do, this will be true, I am quite sure:

Mmm, it's always better when we're together
Yeah, we'll look at the stars when we're together
Well, it's always better when we're together
Yeah, it's always better when we're together

And all of these moments
Just might find their way into my dreams tonight
But I know that they'll be gone
When the morning light sings
And brings new things
For tomorrow night you see
That they'll be gone too
Too many things I have to do
But if all of these dreams might find their way
Into my day to day scene
I'd be under the impression
I was somewhere in between
With only two
Just me and you
Not so many things we got to do
Or places we got to be
We'll sit beneath the mango tree now

Yeah, it's always better when we're together
Mmm, we're somewhere in between together
Well, it's always better when we're together
Yeah, it's always better when we're together

Mmm, mmm, mmm

The Weight

This morning on my ride to work, I decided to take the scenic route along the lake. We've had the most gorgeous Fall so far -- so lovely and warm. Today it is supposed to be 70!

I'm also happy to report that the inner jukebox, which has been quiet lately, provided not one but two songs for my journey, both with the same theme. I love it when that happens! One I've blogged about in the past -- Carry That Weight by the Beatles.

And the other:

Take a load off, Fanny
Take a load for free
Take a load off, Fanny
And (and) (and) you put the load right on me
(You put the load right on me)

Well, I learned something about this second one -- I always thought it was take a load off Annie!

In any case, the message that the music is trying to deliver is pretty clear to me: Take a load off. Stop carrying that weight.

I'm trying. My body is definitely changing rapidly on the Whole 30 -- my practice partners can't believe that I can now bind and put my feet together in Supta Kurmasana. (I can't cross my feet yet and I can't do it myself -- but I was so far from even being able to fold forward that much before I went on this anti-inflammation diet!

I'm hoping and thinking that I will be able to let go of other things I've been hanging onto in the process, just like my friend Fanny:

Take a load off, Fanny
Take a load for free
Take a load off, Fanny
And (and) (and) you put the load right on me
(You put the load right on me)

Gravity Rides Everything

The sky on my bike ride to the soccer game

Last night I had a nightmare about dead mice being stuck in all sorts of crevices in my house including between the windowpanes. Lots of dead mice. Shudder.

So when I woke up I did two internet searches -- the first to see what dead mice in dreams is believed to signify:

"To see a dead mouse in your dream implies that you are not letting minor issues bother you. You are not letting your own fears get in the way of what you want. Alternatively, a dead mouse indicates that there is something that you have ignored or neglected for too long."

Hmmm. The main thing I am ignoring is that there very well may be another dead mouse on my basement floor, but I've been too afraid to go check it out.

When it comes to my work, I'm not letting my own fears get in the way of what I want. Not so sure about my social life/love life. Maybe it was just me, but I felt like the teacher at the yoga class I went to on Friday evening was targeting me each time he suggested the need to open our hearts. I'm trying!

I'm definitely feeling the need to branch out a bit and plan more activities on the weekends when I don't have the kids. I was feeling pretty pissed off again about not getting to eat what I want and then I decided to bike to my daughter's soccer game. Although it was chilly, it was also beautiful and enlivening.

I've been really tired this weekend too: Sleeping eight hours and then still wanting a two hour nap. Not sure if it's the change in the weather or the change in my diet but dang, that's a lot of sleep!

Anyway, the second search was for a Modest Mouse song, and this one felt apropos for this bicyclist yoga teacher:

Oh gotta see, gotta know right now
What's that riding on your everything?
It isn't anything at all

Oh gotta see, gotta know right now
What's that writing on your shelf
In the bathrooms and the bad motels?
No one really cared for it at all
Not the gravity plan
Early, early in the morning
It pulls all on down my sore feet
I wanna go back to sleep
In the motions and the things that you say
It all will fall, fall right into place

As fruit drops, flesh it sags
Everything will fall right into place
When we die, some sink and some lay
But at least I don't see you float away
And all the spilt milk, sex and weight
It all will fall, fall right into place

On some level, I believe this to be true. It will all fall right into place when it's ready. In the meantime, it's my job to figure out my role in the process, and right now it feels like I'm going through a transition...

Fight Song

Seen on my ride this am: Coolest lily color ever!

Today was just a phenomenal summer day. It started with a bike ride that took me past the prettiest lilies ever: See for yourself at left.

The destination for my morning ride is also pictured: My friend's pier, the site of our Ashtanga practice this morning, which was so incredible!

Later in the day, I went to watch my son play soccer, and then took my mountain bike over to Quarry Ridge to do some riding. There were lots of people there, which actually turned out to be a good thing (normally I like the solo time).

I was riding really well, making all the climbs, feeling really good, and even had a group move over for me as I came down. I chatted with them a bit both during and after the ride -- they said they meet there every Monday, etc. -- and for the first time I felt like I might be at the point where I feel ready to join a group like that.

I got in the car after the ride and heard this song of empowerment, which felt fitting:

Setting for my morning yoga practice: Amazing!

Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion

And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time?

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

Losing friends and I'm chasing sleep
Everybody's worried about me
In too deep
Say I'm in too deep (in too deep)
And it's been two years
I miss my home
But there's a fire burning in my bones
Still believe
Yeah, I still believe

And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time?

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

A lot of fight left in me

Yes I do.

This was also a song that the retreat leader played on the retreat I went on with my trauma recovery group, so this feels like a good time to mention that I've decided to stop being a part of that group. It has been such a wonderful, healing experience for me, but now I feel ready to write my story and live my life, so that's exactly what I'm gonna do!

Through the Fire

As 'days' readers know, one of my favorite places for my inner jukebox to fire up is on my bike, and today's ride had this oldie as its soundtrack:

I look in your eyes and I can see
We've loved so dangerously
You're not trusting your heart to anyone
You tell me you're gonna play it smart
We're through before we start
But I believe that we've only just begun

When it's this good, there's no saying no
I want you so, I'm ready to go

Through the fire
To the limit, to the wall
For a chance to be with you
I'd gladly risk it all
Through the fire
Through whatever, come what may
For a chance at loving you
I'd take it all the way
Right down to the wire
Even through the fire

I know you're afraid of what you feel
You still need time to heal
And I can help if you'll only let me try
You touch me and something in me knew
What I could have with you
Well I'm not ready to kiss that dream goodbye

When it's this sweet, there's no saying no
I need you so, I'm ready to go

Through the fire, to the limit
Through the fire, through whatever
Through the fire, to the limit
Through the fire, through whatever

Yes, I thought in response as I rode along. I would take it all the way. I did. And I will do it again...

Love Love Love

Yesterday when I was looking for the new song by the Femmes, I found a similarly titled song:

Well, maybe I'm a crook for stealing your heart away
Yeah, maybe I'm a crook for not caring for it
Yeah, maybe I'm a bad, bad, bad, bad person
Well, baby, I know.

And these fingertips
Will never run through your skin
And those bright blue eyes
Can only meet mine across the room filled with people that are less important than you.

All 'cause you love, love, love
When you know I can't love
You love, love, love
When you know I can't love
You love, love, love
When you know I can't love you

So I think it's best we both forget before we dwell on it
The way you held me so tight
All through the night
'Til it was near morning

Ouch! This is gonna hurt for a while!

'Cause you love, love, love
When you know I can't love
You love, love, love
When you know I can't love
You love, love, love
When you know I can't love you

And when I heard it, this is what I thought:

Yeah, so that happened. Except I was the one love love loving and he was the one who couldn't love me. Not how I wanted him to love me. And I did know it.

In other news, I crashed my road bike today. All things considered, it wasn't too bad: Minimal damage to my bike: broken toe clip and messed up chain which some nice young man fixed for me at the scene, and minimal damage to the right side of my body: bruised and bloodied elbow, hand, thigh and knee. In short, I feel banged up, and I don't particularly like feeling banged up. I hope I don't wake up feeling worse tomorrow...

So Alive

I went to see my acupuncturist yesterday, and told her I was feeling more tired than usual and that I'd noticed that my phelgm was thicker than normal. She diagnosed me with a yang deficiency and treated me accordingly. She said to take it easy and avoid dairy products, especially sweet ones, like ice cream. Not my favorite prescription, but I managed to forgo the ice cream treats in my freezer last night.

And, this morning, instead of going across town in the very early morning to practice, I decided to sleep instead. (The nice thing about a six day a week practice is that it leaves a little wiggle room.)

As I headed out on my bike en route to the Capitol, it was downright chilly. And if you're a biker or a runner or really anyone who exercises outdoors, you know that the most expedient way to deal with the snot that arises while exercising when it's cold outside is snot rockets. That's right: finger over one nostril, blow out the other. Only it works better when you're not suffering from a yang deficiency. Yep, this morning, when I tried to clear them out, some of the snot rocketed right onto my sunglasses. Ew.

I probably wouldn't have chosen to blog about this rather grody event, except that it inspired my choice of song for today, sung by none other than Love and Rockets:

Upon my arrival at the Capitol: Snot free!

I don't know what color your eyes are, baby
But your hair is long and brown
Your legs are strong and you're so, so long
And you don't come from this town

My head is a full of magic, baby
And I can share this with you
The feel I'm on a cross again, lately
But it's nothing to do with you

I'm alive, oh oh, so alive
I'm alive, oh oh, so alive

This drug makes me crazy
Makes me see you more clearly
Oh, baby, now I can see you
Wish I could stop, switch off the clock
Make it all happen for you

I'm alive, oh oh, so alive
I'm alive, oh oh, so alive

Yes I am. And hopefully by the time it is time for my kids and I to hit the road again, I'll be back to full energy!

What I Am

My favorite mug

When I make coffee or tea in the morning and go to grab one of my mugs, I often pause to see if the one I'm grabbing applies to me in the moment. They say different things through pictures and words (see photo for example), like Happy Camper, Queen Bee, Social Butterfly, Biker Chick.

This morning I didn't ride my bike as I normally do, and when I selected my mug I paused when Biker Chick was the one in front. And then I decided that being a biker chick isn't a moniker that one can either acquire or lose in a day, it goes deeper than that. So I made my tea in it.

When I got to work, I was walking up toward the Capitol when a man I don't know on the Capitol grounds said to me: "No bike today?" And I explained no, I didn't ride today, because I had to bring in this 12 pack of Diet Coke for a meeting and didn't trust my bike rack to hold it in place without disrupting my ride.

As I walked away from him I thought to myself, "See? Even this man I don't know knows that I'm a biker chick even without my bike!"

And then Edie Brickell started to play in my head:

I'm not aware of too many things
I know what I know, if you know what I mean
Philosophy is the talk on a cereal box
Religion is the smile on a dog
I'm not aware of too many things
I know what I know, if you know what I mean, d-doo yeah

Choke me in the shallow waters
Before I get too deep

What I am is what I am
Are you what you are or what?
What I am is what I am
Are you what you are, or?

Oh, I'm not aware of too many things
I know what I know, if you know what I mean
Philosophy is a walk on the slippery rocks
Religion is a light in the fog
I'm not aware of too many things
I know what I know, if you know what I mean, d-doo yeah

Choke me in the shallow water
Before I get too deep

What I am is what I am
Are you what you are or what?
What I am is what I am
Are you what you are or what?

Yes I am, Edie. Yes I am...