Bittersweet Me

The ultimate Bittersweet me tree: A Dogwood

One of the many things I love about my new (to me) car is that its radio is smarter than the one in my old one -- it knows what song is playing and who is singing it. Gone are the days of having to hope the DJ would reveal this information.

I knew, of course, the artist of this song, but never the title:

I move across, innocence lost
All flashing pulsar
I move across the earth in my new pattern shirt
I pass satellites
"You're so bitter, " your complaint
I can't give you anything
I don't know who you're living for
I don't who you are anymore
I'd sooner chew my leg off
Than be trapped in this
How easy you think of all of this as bittersweet me

I couldn't taste it
I'm tired and naked
I don't know what I'm hungry for
I don't know what I want anymore

I feel you Michael. It sometimes feels like I don't know what I want anymore either. Over the past year, year and a half, I've been through some major changes, and one of the biggest shifts is my ability to be honest with myself about what's going on. What's been going on, in my relationship, hasn't felt right for a while, but I haven't known what to do about it.

Under these circumstances, I had a tendency to do what I have always done: try to control it into working. Here's another big change in me over this period of time: I FINALLY get it that that doesn't work. It was hard to discern this for a while in part because my man is so willing to do what I ask, the problem is, the kind of changes I see as needed are not the kind that I can initiate or guide.

So I have to let go. Let go of the certainty we were working with that when my daughter graduates from high school, we'll move away from Madison together and live our lives together. That feels anything but certain these days. I don't know what will happen with us.

And thus, these learnings of which I speak, have led to a bittersweet me:

I move across, candy floss
I move like a tank
I move across the room with a heart full of gloom
I'm stronger than you think
Oh, my peer, your veneer
Is wearing thin and cracking
The surface informs the underneath
The underneath is lacking
I'd sooner chew my leg off
Than be trapped in this
How easy you think of all of this as bittersweet me

I couldn't taste it
I'm tired and naked
I don't know what I'm hungry for
I don't know what I want anymore

You move across, innocence lost
All static and desire
You're blue in the face from navel gaze
You set yourself on fire
You strip down and lay yourself out
I know you can't fake it
But are you tired and naked?
Oh, are you tired and naked?
I'd sooner chew my leg off
Than be trapped in this
How easy you think of all of this as bittersweet me

I couldn't taste it
I'm tired and naked
I don't know what I'm hungry for
I don't know what I want anymore
I couldn't taste it

I'm tired and naked
I don't know what I'm hungry for
I don't know what I want anymore
I couldn't taste it

I'm tired and naked
I don't know what I'm hungry for
I don't know what I want anymore

A note about the Dogwood -- we had one in our front yard growing up. Seeing them definitely makes for a bittersweet me...

I Know It's Over

Reading a perfect gift I received from a friend

 I started working on my memoir again, this time in a different way, though I'm not sure I can say how it's different just yet.

I reckon this song will be one that I return to during the writing process, to remind myself that though the memories I'm working with are powerful forces in my mind and my body, it's not where I live anymore...

Oh mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
And as I climb into an empty bed, oh well, enough said
I know it's over still I cling, I don't know where else I can go, over and over
Oh mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
You see the sea wants to take me, the knife wants to slit me
Do you think you can help me
Sad veiled bride please be happy, handsome groom give her room
Loud loutish lover treat her kindly though she needs you
More than she loves you
I know it's over, still I cling
I don't know where else I can go, over, over
I know it's over and it never really began but in my heart it was so real
And she even spoke to me and said
If you're so funny, then why are you on your own tonight?
And if you're so clever why are you on your own tonight?
And if you're so very entertaining why are you on your own tonight?
And if you're so very good looking, why do you sleep alone tonight?
I know, 'cause tonight is just like any other night, that's why you're on your own tonight
With your triumphs and your charms, while they're in each other's arms
It's so easy to laugh it's so easy to hate it takes strength to be gentle
And kind, over, over, over
It's so easy to laugh it's so easy to hate it takes guts to be gentle
And kind, over and over
Love is natural and real, but not for you my love not tonight my love
Love is natural and real, but not for such as you and I my love, oh mother
I can feel the soil falling over my head
Oh mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
Oh mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head, oh yes
Oh mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
Oh mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
Oh mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
Mother, I can feel

Yes, I can. Way more than I did when I was a kid...

Before You Accuse Me

I can't super say why the internal jukebox started playing this song while I was mountain biking this morning, but it did:

Before you accuse me, take a look at yourself
Before you accuse me, take a look at yourself
You say I've been spending my money on other women
You've been taking money from someone else

I called your mama 'bout three or four nights ago
I called your mama 'bout three or four nights ago
Well your mother said "Son"
"Don't call my daughter no more"

Before you accuse me, take a look at yourself
Before you accuse me, take a look at yourself
You say I've been spending my money on other women
You've been taking money from someone else

Come back home baby, try my love one more time
Come back home baby, try my love one more time
If I don't go on and quit you
I'm gonna lose my mind

I'm pretty sure this song was playing in my head when I crashed -- and it was quite a crash. But I got right back up, hoping my bike would still work (it did), just in time to get out of the way of the dude behind me. My legs were shaky, my knee was skinned, and my back felt stiff, but otherwise, I seemed to be relatively unscathed.

Maybe that crash was the Universe's way of saying that I shouldn't still be singing that last verse, as tempting as it is when I'm doing one of the things I most enjoyed with my last lover. Because in truth, I don't want him to come back home.

I want to be with someone who is whole. And well. I've worked too hard to get there myself not to reap the benefits within the context of my romantic relationship. If I could just manage to stop protecting myself from further heartbreak, I could let that beautiful, whole, well person in. And I will. When I'm ready. I'm just making sure I've adequately prepared on my end...

Send My Love

The beauty who sings this song was profiled in one of the magazines I had the luxury of reading on today's flight to Houston:

This was all you, none of it me
You put your hands on, on my body and told me
Mmm
You told me you were ready
For the big one, for the big jump
I'd be your last love everlasting you and me
Mmm
That was what you told me

I'm giving you up
I've forgiven it all
You set me free-ee

Send my love to your new lover
Treat her better
We've gotta let go of all of our ghosts
We both know we ain't kids no more
Send my love to your new lover
Treat her better
We gotta let go of all of our ghosts
We both know we ain't kids no more

I was too strong you were trembling
You couldn't handle the hot heat rising (rising)
Mmm
Baby I'm still rising
I was running, you were walking
You couldn't keep up, you were falling down (down)
Mmm
Mmm there's only one way down

I'm giving you up
I've forgiven it all
You set me free-ee, oh

Send my love to your new lover
Treat her better
We gotta let go of all of our ghosts
We both know we ain't kids no more
Send my love to your new lover
Treat her better
We've gotta let go of all of our ghosts
We both know we ain't kids no more

If you're ready, if you're ready
If you're ready, I am ready
If you're ready, if you're ready
We both know we ain't kids no more
No, we ain't kids no more

I'm giving you up
I've forgiven it all
You set me free

I think I can honestly say that this true for me: that I'm giving up the ghosts of the past, that I've forgiven myself and the New Englander for our failures, and that I'm ready to see myself as free rather than abandoned or left or grieving.

I don't know what's in store for either one of us, but like Adele, I'm wishing us both well along with any new lovers that come our way:

Send my love to your new lover
Treat her better
We've gotta let go of all of our ghosts
We both know we ain't kids no more
Send my love to your new lover
Treat her better
We gotta let go of all of our ghosts
We both know we ain't kids no more

No we ain't...

Nobody Does It Better

Love the first trip to picnic point of the "Spring"!

As I prepared for my run today, I decided to take my phone so I could listen to music. I've been either running without it or running with a friend lately, but when I turned on Slacker I got super excited when the song that was cued up was one of my all time faves, Total Eclipse of the Heart. I belted out the lyrics as I ran down the street - I'm sure the neighbors thought I'd lost it.

I just assumed I'd already blogged about that song, but it seems I haven't. Still, I'm going to save it for another time, because the song that came on after it made me realize that I was listening to some sort of love songs countdown, which maybe wasn't really the thing for the first 55 degree run to picnic point and back of the season, which, while muddy, was at least not ice-covered or inaccessible.

But as the love songs continued to play, one after the other, I decided to rewrite them, starting with this one from Carly Simon:

Nobody does it better
Makes me feel sad for the rest
Nobody does it half as good as you
Baby, you're the best

Someone must do it better, I reasoned, because I'm not with the person that did it twice as good as anyone else I've ever known, so that just has to mean that someone who does it even better is out there:

And nobody does it better
Though sometimes I wish someone could
Nobody does it quite the way you do
Why'd you have to be so good?

I gotta admit, the question that makes up the last line of that last verse is a question I've asked myself. After all, being with the New Englander absolutely ruined casual sex for me, which means it has been 19 months since I've had a shag.

But long dry spell notwithstanding, I know why he had to be so good: To teach me how good it can be.

And now that I know, and I'm ready to stop grieving and start living, I'll recognize the magic when I feel it again:

The way that you hold me whenever you hold me
There's some kind of magic inside you
That keeps me from runnin', but just keep it comin'
How'd you learn to do the things you do?

Except this time, it'll be with someone who wants to be my partner just as much as I want to be his. Someone who isn't afraid to be vulnerable. Someone who really, truly, is the best for me, not just what I thought at the time had to be right because it felt so damn good:

And nobody does it better
Makes me feel sad for the rest
Nobody does it half as good as you
Baby, baby, darling, you're the best

Sorry Carly, but I beg to differ -- someone must do it better -- and I can't wait to meet him!

The Best of My Love

Most of the time I'm psyched when my inner jukebox starts to play from somewhere in my subconscious mind, revealing what's brewing inside me.

This morning, at 4:30 am, maybe not so much. Especially when I woke up hearing this song, succeeded in going back to sleep, and then was woken up with the same song all over again half an hour later:

Every night I'm lyin' in bed
Holdin' you close in my dreams
Thinkin' about all the things that we said
And comin' apart at the seams
We try to talk it over
But the words come out too rough
I know you were tryin'
to give me the best of your love

That I do, New Englander, that I do. And every night, when I'm lyin' in bed now, I kiss myself good night, say I love you to myself, curl up with my heat sources, and go to sleep. Most of the time, I feel pretty content to go to sleep on my own, but sometimes I can't help but miss the best sleeping (and not sleeping) partner I've ever had:

Beautiful faces and loud, empty places
Look at the way that we live
Wastin' our time on cheap talk and wine
Left us so little to give
That same old crowd
Was like a cold dark cloud
That we could never rise above
But here in my heart I give you the best of my love
Oh sweet darlin' you get the best of my love, oh
Sweet darlin', you get the best of my love

That you did, New Englander, that you did...

I'm goin' back in time
And it's a sweet dream
It was a quiet night
And I would be all right
If i could go on sleepin'
But every mornin'
I wake up and worry
What's gonna happen today
You see it your way
And I see it mine
But we both see it slippin' away

I think it's safe to use the past tense here, sports fans: Slipped away.

You know we always had each other baby
I guess that wasn't enough

Nope, it wasn't. Hard as that is to understand, at least at that juncture in our respective lives, it wasn't. I talked to a woman a few weeks ago who helped me realize that, as she put it, I co-created our breakup:

"There was a part of you who would have been content to stay with him forever, yes?"
"Yes."
"But there was another part of you with the wisdom to know you weren't getting what you wanted/needed from him, yes?"
"Yes, but he also, he left me."
"Yes," she said, "But you co-created that breakup."

Which makes a ton of sense to me now that I no longer need that whole abandonment story to be mine. I did need it though, when he left, in order to grieve my old childhood abandonment wounds, because there was a lot of abandonment in my childhood: my parents, my sister, myself. I understand now that we were all doing the best we could under the circumstances, including me. I had to abandon myself to survive, but now I've returned, and now that I'm an adult, I'm never going to abandon myself again.

I wonder if this song is here (and refusing to go away) this morning to remind me that I need to give me the best of my love right now, so I can continue to feel more whole, and come to love from that place:

Oh, but here in my heart
I give you the best of my love
Oh, sweet darlin'
You get the best of my love
Oh, sweet darlin'
You get the best of my love
Every night and day,
You get the best of my love
Oh, sweet darlin' you get the best of my love
Oh, sweet darlin' you get the best of my love..

i

Breathe for Change: Changing the world, one teacher at a time

What a day.

It began with a beautiful Breathe for Change workshop, which felt a little bittersweet because I made the decision yesterday to let go of my work with that organization for right now in order to make space for work with a salary commensurate with both my experience and my needs.

So that was a big deal.

And then what was supposed to be a practice session at my house with my favorite student turned into a conversation on the couch about being single parents, divorce, what I'm going to do with my life, our relationship, sex, exes, fantasies -- all the good stuff was in there.

It was about as satisfying as a conversation can be with someone who you kinda wish would just crawl in bed with you but in some ways you're just as willing to settle for a really satisfying hug at the door because you know damn well he's not in a place to love you right now.

You know?

And the day was capped off by a really awesome 7th grade concert tonight put on by my very own 7th grader and her classmates. The band sounded great, the orchestra sounded good, and the choir was awesome.

This song was one of the choral numbers tonight, and one of, though not the only, songs that made me cry today:

I done been through a whole lot
Trials and tribulations, but I know God
Satan wanna put me in a bow-tie
Praying that the holy water don't go dry, yeah yeah
As I look around me
So many motherfuckers wanna down me
But ain't no nigga never drown me
In front of a dirty double-mirror they found me

I didn't grow up in the ghetto, but I done been through a whole lot too. And I'm grateful for all of it, especially my good fortune to emerge, just like kendrick lamar, loving myself:

And I love myself
(The world is a ghetto with guns and picket signs)
I love myself
(But it can do what it want whenever it wants and I don't mind)
I love myself
(He said I gotta get up, life is more than suicide)
I love myself
(One day at the time, sun gone shine)

Calling All Angels

Got home this afternoon to a kitchen full of dishes and stuff everywhere. As I tried to summon the energy to tackle it, this song popped into my head:

I need a sign to let me know you're here
All of these lines are being crossed over the atmosphere
I need to know that things are gonna look up
'Cause I feel us drowning in a sea spilled from a cup

When there is no place safe and no safe place to put my head
When you feel the world shake from the words that are said

And I'm calling all angels
I'm calling all you angels

I'm going to need some sort of assistance as the days get shorter, it's finally starting to get colder, and I get busier with work commitments.

Took the day off from practice today and I often don't feel as good on those days. The run this afternoon helped, though I'm not running enough to feel really great during the run itself. It helps that I've started running on Fridays with a couple of friends for exactly this reason:

I won't give up if you don't give up
I won't give up if you don't give up
I won't give up if you don't give up
I won't give up if you don't give up

That's also how I got through those 30 days without chocolate or sweets -- by being accountable to my friend in Boulder who was doing it with me.

Our people are important, that's for sure, but so is letting go and letting forces for good in the unseen help take care of you:

I need a sign to let me know you're here
'Cause my TV set just keeps it all from being clear
I want a reason for the way things have to be
I need a hand to help build up some kind of hope inside of me

And I'm calling all angels
I'm calling all you angels
Calling all you angels...

The Weight

This morning on my ride to work, I decided to take the scenic route along the lake. We've had the most gorgeous Fall so far -- so lovely and warm. Today it is supposed to be 70!

I'm also happy to report that the inner jukebox, which has been quiet lately, provided not one but two songs for my journey, both with the same theme. I love it when that happens! One I've blogged about in the past -- Carry That Weight by the Beatles.

And the other:

Take a load off, Fanny
Take a load for free
Take a load off, Fanny
And (and) (and) you put the load right on me
(You put the load right on me)

Well, I learned something about this second one -- I always thought it was take a load off Annie!

In any case, the message that the music is trying to deliver is pretty clear to me: Take a load off. Stop carrying that weight.

I'm trying. My body is definitely changing rapidly on the Whole 30 -- my practice partners can't believe that I can now bind and put my feet together in Supta Kurmasana. (I can't cross my feet yet and I can't do it myself -- but I was so far from even being able to fold forward that much before I went on this anti-inflammation diet!

I'm hoping and thinking that I will be able to let go of other things I've been hanging onto in the process, just like my friend Fanny:

Take a load off, Fanny
Take a load for free
Take a load off, Fanny
And (and) (and) you put the load right on me
(You put the load right on me)

To Build a Home

Today I got to do the work that I love - going to Breathe for Change schools to support the teachers and leaders who are implementing our program. (Speaking of, check out this awesome article about our progress!)

At the second meeting, the teacher played this beautiful song which I'd never heard before:

There is a house built out of stone
Wooden floors, walls and window sills
Tables and chairs worn by all of the dust
This is a place where I don't feel alone
This is a place where I feel at home.

And I built a home
for you
for me

Until it disappeared
from me
from you

A friend took this gorgeous photo of the super moon last night!

And now, it's time to leave and turn to dust...

Out in the garden where we planted the seeds
There is a tree as old as me
Branches were sewn by the color of green
Ground had arose and passed its knees

By the cracks of the skin I climbed to the top
I climbed the tree to see the world
When the gusts came around to blow me down
Held on as tightly as you held on me
Held on as tightly as you held on me...

And I built a home
for you
for me

Until it disappeared
from me
from you

And now, it's time to leave and turn to dust...

I love that this song carries a similar message to the one from the Super Moon last night: let the old stuff go!

All These Things That I've Done

Oof. So I didn't bump into any walls last night, but I did have a pretty disturbing dream.

I dreamt that I went to practice and there was a teacher there (which, in real life, is super rare) unexpectedly (and I always know when it is going to happen). The teacher informed me that it was my last day practicing the primary series (which is what I practice now). I asked if I was moving on to second series, and she said no, basically leaving me series-less.

I didn't know quite what to make of this dream, but it felt significant. When I got to practice, I felt more like meditating than practicing. So I lit a candle, lit some sage, and sat down a cushion. I had trouble settling -- maybe because of the creepy news I'd listened to on my way to the studio (a woman made her baby's formula with vodka instead of water) -- so I decided to do some pranayama (breathing exercises) and that helped calm me down.

During meditation, part of what came up was the same thing that came up during my massage on Tuesday: The need to let go of the desire for significant people in my life to see and acknowledge all of me. It's never gonna happen, in a couple of significant cases, so I need to just let it go.

And that got me thinking about songs that are about letting go, and this one's among my favorites:

When there's nowhere else to run
Is there room for one more son
One more son
If you can hold on
If you can hold on, hold on
I want to stand up, I want to let go
You know, you know, no you don't, you don't
I want to shine on in the hearts of men
I want a meaning from the back of my broken hand

Another head aches, another heart breaks
I am so much older than I can take
And my affection, well it comes and goes
I need direction to perfection, no no no no

Help me out
Yeah, you know you got to help me out
Yeah, oh don't you put me on the backburner
You know you got to help me out

And when there's nowhere else to run
Is there room for one more son
These changes ain't changing me
The cold-hearted boy I used to be

Yeah, you know you got to help me out
Yeah, oh don't you put me on the backburner
You know you got to help me out
You're gonna bring yourself down
Yeah, you're gonna bring yourself down
Yeah, you're gonna bring yourself down

This whole song is great, but I freaking love the next lyrics:

I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier

Yeah, you know you got to help me out
Yeah, oh don't you put me on the backburner
You know you got to help me out
You're gonna bring yourself down
You're gonna bring yourself down
Yeah, oh don't you put me on the backburner
You're gonna bring yourself down
Yeah, you're gonna bring yourself down

Over and again, last call for sin
While everyone's lost, the battle is won
With all these things that I've done
All these things that I've done
(Time, truth, hearts)
If you can hold on
If you can hold on

Oh I can hold on alright. That's not the problem. I'll keep working on this need for external validation thing. But it does help explain why I had such a hard time letting go of the New Englander: He was the first man to really see all of me and love me. And also, coincidentally, the first to introduce me to The Killers.

Also in the letting go department today, I learned that I did not get into the study I applied for (they are full) and I didn't get a job teaching yoga at the studio where I was hoping to teach.

More opportunities to let go...

No Diggity

Give a girl who loves a bargain a month of unlimited yoga, and what does she do? Goes to as many classes as she can so that she gets the lowest possible per class rate. So that's a factor, but I also really like this place.

I went to the same teacher today, and I decided to communicate with my first love about the fact that there is an American version of him (he is British) who lives in Madison and teaches yoga (two qualities that would be awesome for me to find in a man). He responded by saying he'd been looking at houses in the town where we used to work at a summer camp. Which is pretty silly, given that he is married and lives in England, but we all (or many of us) need a fantasy to get us through the hard times.

Speaking of hard times, I had coffee with my friend after practice today, and I was explaining my aversion to my basement and how problematic that is at this point. I was saying how it was getting worse, the amount that I hated to go down there, and then I realized that the New Englander's bed is still down there.

"Oh that's gotta go!" my friend said. Methinks she is right.

This song was on the playlist at class today, which brought me back:

I like the way you work it (no diggity)
I got to bag it up
I like the way you work it (no diggity)
I got to bag it up (bag it up girl)
I like the way you work it (no diggity)
I got to bag it up (bag it up)
I like the way you work it (no diggity)
I got to bag it up

And it also reminded me of what I have to do this weekend: Clean my basement. Get rid of that bed. Bag it up and let it go...

Guess I'm Doing Fine

Enjoying a spring roll on library mall today

This is definitely a time in my life with much transition. For one, I'm trying to figure out how to earn a living doing the things I believe in and on my own terms.

I'm also navigating this new world where I know I can trust myself, where I don't have to second guess my own needs, and where I can ask for what I want and need and let go of what or who cannot provide it.

There's always some sadness with these releases, and that's where Beck comes in:

There's a blue bird at my window
I can't hear the songs he sings
All the jewels in heaven
They don't look the same to me

I just wade the tides that turned
Till I learn to leave the past behind

It's only lies that I'm living
It's only tears that I'm crying
It's only you that I'm losing
Guess I'm doing fine

All the battlements are empty
And the moon is laying low
Yellow roses in the graveyard
Got no time to watch them grow

Now I bade a friend farewell
I can do whatever pleases me

It's only lies that I'm living
It's only tears that I'm crying
It's only you that I'm losing
Guess I'm doing fine

And I did have some tears on my bike ride home as I realized again that I no longer have the intimate relationship that I once had with one of the people I've been friends with the longest. That's been true for a while, but I've been dealing with it in the old way, trying to think of what I can do to get it back to how it was.

But today I feel ready to deal with it in the new way -- to let go of the past and make room for the kind of intimacy that I want and that I know I am capable of both giving and receiving...

Hold Back the River

I heard this song in the car on the way to my favorite Yin yoga class tonight:

Tried to keep you close to me,
But life got in between
Tried to square not being there
But think that I should have been

Hold back the river, let me look in your eyes
Hold back the river, so I
Can stop for a minute and see where you hide
Hold back the river, hold back

Once upon a different life
We rode our bikes into the sky
But now we call against the tide
Those distant days are flashing by

Which really set me up for another big release in class. As soon as I laid back on the bolster, as most people do while we wait for the teacher, the tears began rolling out the corners of my eyes:

Hold back the river, let me look in your eyes
Hold back the river, so I
Can stop for a minute and be by your side
Hold back the river, hold back

Of course, there's no holding back the river. Not the river that took away the man I loved most in this world and not the river of tears his departure left behind:

Lonely water, lonely water, won't you let us wander
Let us hold each other
Lonely water, lonely water, won't you let us wander
Let us hold each other

There's no holding each other. Not anymore. There's just me. Letting Go. Again. And again. And again...

This Year's Love

I usually have my kids on Wednesday nights but I didn't this evening so I decided to once again go to a Yin yoga class. Just before I left, my phone rang. I didn't recognize the number, but I thought it might be the man I've been corresponding with on Tinder to whom I recently gave my phone number.

Lying in a pose for 3-5 minutes (which is what you do in a Yin yoga class), I thought about the prospect of talking to a man (who is a potential romantic prospect) on the phone. And the next thing I knew, tears were rolling down my face as I thought of when the New Englander and I first starting talking on the phone. We fell in love on the phone, before we spent any real time together in person. When I think back to that time, I can't think of any reason in the world why it shouldn't have worked out for us. It just doesn't make any sense to me, and I still find it sad. Little by little I am letting myself feel the sadness and letting it go, just as I did tonight. Because if there's one thing I learned from that relationship it's that I don't get to choose who I fall in love with and I don't get to choose if it works out or not, either.

This song came on during class just as I was drying my tears and telling myself that as hard as it is to put myself out there again and risk getting my heart broken the way it was the last time, I'm gonna do it:

This year's love had better last
Heaven knows it's high time
And I've been waiting on my own too long
But when you hold me like you do
It feels so right
I start to forget
How my heart gets torn
When that hurt gets thrown
Feeling like you can't go on

Turning circles when time again
It cuts like a knife oh yeah
If you love me got to know for sure
Cause it takes something more this time
Than sweet sweet lies
Before I open up my arms and fall
Losing all control
Every dream inside my soul
And when you kiss me
On that midnight street
Sweep me off my feet
Singing ain't this life so sweet

This year's love had better last
This year's love had better last

So whose to worry
If our hearts get torn
When that hurt gets thrown
Don't you know this life goes on
And won't you kiss me
On that midnight street
Sweep me off my feet
Singing ain't this life so sweet

This year's love had better last
This year's love had better last
This year's love had better last
This year's love had better last

I hope I do fall in love again this year, and I join David Gray in feeling like it had better last, even if I know better than to think we have any control over it...

Thinking Out Loud

Woke up with this song in my head this morning:

When your legs don't work like they used to before
And I can't sweep you off of your feet
Will your mouth still remember the taste of my love?
Will your eyes still smile from your cheeks?

And, darling, I will be loving you 'til we're 70
And, baby, my heart could still fall as hard at 23
And I'm thinking 'bout how people fall in love in mysterious ways
Maybe just the touch of a hand
Well, me - I fall in love with you every single day
And I just wanna tell you I am

So honey now
Take me into your loving arms
Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars
Place your head on my beating heart
I'm thinking out loud
That maybe we found love right where we are

When my hair's all but gone and my memory fades
And the crowds don't remember my name
When my hands don't play the strings the same way
I know you will still love me the same

'Cause honey your soul could never grow old, it's evergreen
And, baby, your smile's forever in my mind and memory
I'm thinking 'bout how people fall in love in mysterious ways
Maybe it's all part of a plan
Well, I'll just keep on making the same mistakes
Hoping that you'll understand

That, baby, now
Take me into your loving arms
Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars
Place your head on my beating heart
Thinking out loud
That maybe we found love right where we are

Which is strange, because I'm not feeling this song this morning. What loving arms, exactly? I'm feeling angry and sad, like the kind of angry and sad where I play Johnny Cash's version of Hurt on full blast in my car and scream along.

I don't like feeling that way, but then again, during my Ashtanga practice this morning, I could feel that my right hip was able to surrender a little deeper than it did yesterday or any day before that. Yep, it hurts to let myself feel the depth of the loss when those feelings come back around, but feeling them means that they can move through me, and that's so much better than keeping them trapped inside.

I saw this Steve Jobs' quote on a friend and fellow Ashtangi's Facebook page today, and feel it's worth repeating here:

"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma, which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other people's opinions drown out your inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition."

What incredible advice. And I'm doing my damnedest to follow it...

If It Hadn't Been For Love

I checked out Adele's Live at Royal Albert Hall from the library, and I've been listening to it pretty much nonstop. The song that is speaking to me most is one I've already blogged about: Turning Tables.

Every so often it happens that a song becomes more compelling in the moment than it was when I originally chose to blog about it (or so it seems in retrospect). I've considered repeating songs or even deleting the old post, but both just seem out of whack with the spirit of this blog.

In this instance, I've decided to share the lines that I'm feeling the strongest about from the song I've already used:

I can't keep up with your turning tables
Under your thumb, I can't breathe

So I won't let you close enough to hurt me
No, I won't ask you, you to just desert me
I can't give you what you think you gave me
It's time to say goodbye to turning tables

...and then choose a new song from the same artist that has a similar message:

Never would have hitch hiked to Birmingham
If it hadn't been for love
Never woulda caught the train to Louisiana
If it hadn't been for love

Never woulda run through the blindin' rain
Without one dollar to my name
If it hadn't been, if it hadn't been for love

Never woulda seen the trouble that I'm in
If it hadn't been for love
Woulda been gone like a wayward wind
If it hadn't been for love

Nobody knows it better than me
I wouldn't be wishing I was free
If it hadn't been, if it hadn't been for love

Except in this case, the new song from the same artist is actually a cover -- the original is by The Steeldrivers.

Now I don't regret loving the New Englander, but the experience did get me in touch with just what I'm capable of doing in the name of love.

When I was in the throes of it, I truly could not imagine ever feeling differently. And I don't feel differently about loving him, but I do feel differently about allowing myself to be hurt by his cycle of appearing and disappearing:

I can't keep up with your turning tables
Under your thumb, I can't breathe

So I won't let you close enough to hurt me
No, I won't ask you, you to just desert me
I can't give you what you think you gave me
It's time to say goodbye to turning tables

Yes it is. And actually doing that feels like the kindest thing I have done for myself in a long, long time...

Let It Go

My Note from the Universe today was so spot on, I just have to share it:

When a thing hurts your eyes, Sarah, stop looking at it.

When it hurts your ears, Sarah, stop listening to it.

And when it hurts your heart, Sarah, stop justifying it.

This is some damn good advice, some advice that I just wasn't ready to take for a long time, but that I can now hear loud and clear.

When I heard this beautiful song in the car today, I knew that he was singing about the exact same thing the Universe was telling me:

From walking home and talking loads
To seeing shows in evening clothes with you
From nervous touch to getting drunk
To staying up and waking up with you

But now we're sleeping at the edge
Holding something we don't need
All this delusion in our heads
Is gonna bring us to our knees

So come on let it go
Just let it be
Why don't you be you
And I'll be me

Everything's that's broke
Leave it to the breeze
Why don't you be you
And I'll be me

And I'll be me

From throwing clothes across the floor
To teeth and claws and slamming doors at you
If this is all we're living for
Why are we doing it, doing it, doing it anymore

I used to recognize myself
It's funny how reflections change
When we're becoming something else
I think it's time to walk away

So come on let it go
Just let it be
Why don't you be you
And I'll be me

Everything's that's broke
Leave it to the breeze
Why don't you be you
And I'll be me

And I'll be me

Trying to fit your hand inside of mine
When we know it just don't belong
There's no force on earth
Could make me feel right, no

Whoa

Trying to push this problem up the hill
When it's just too heavy to hold
Think now's the time to let it slide

So come on let it go
Just let it be
Why don't you be you
And I'll be me

And I'll be me

What a brilliant idea! I'm so glad to be able to finally take that suggestion...

If It Be Your Will

As I was driving home from my son's indoor soccer game tonight, Judith Orloff was talking (from her book on my CD player) about surrendering to pain and letting the tears come as a release valve. She talked about how much she encourages her patients to cry, how healthy and necessary it is, and what opens the floodgates in her own life when she needs a good cry.

This song from Leonard Cohen was at the top of her list:

If it be your will
That I speak no more
And my voice be still
As it was before
I will speak no more
I shall abide until
I am spoken for
If it be your will
If it be your will
That a voice be true
From this broken hill
I will sing to you
From this broken hill
All your praises they shall ring
If it be your will
To let me sing
From this broken hill
All your praises they shall ring
If it be your will
To let me sing

If it be your will
If there is a choice
Let the rivers fill
Let the hills rejoice
Let your mercy spill
On all these burning hearts in hell
If it be your will
To make us well

And draw us near
And bind us tight
All your children here
In their rags of light
In our rags of light
All dressed to kill
And end this night
If it be your will

If it be your will.

Like Judith, I'm a huge fan of both tears and the poet Leonard Cohen. I find this song really calming, settling, in a "we're not in charge" kind of way. 

I know that if I were in charge, things would be different than they are right now, but I'm really trying to trust the process and believe that this grief will open the door to something better.

I saw this quote on FB tonight on the same subject:

“When sorrow comes, let us accept it simply, as a part of life. Let the heart be open to pain; let it be stretched by it. All the evidence we have says that this is the better way. An open heart never grows bitter. Or if it does, it cannot remain so. In the desolate hour, there is an outcry; a clenching of the hands upon emptiness; a burning pain of bereavement; a weary ache of loss. But anguish, like ecstasy, is not forever. There comes a gentleness, a returning quietness, a restoring stillness. This, too, is a door to life. Here, also is the deepening of meaning – and it can lead to dedication; a going forward to the triumph of the soul, the conquering of the wilderness. And in the process will come a deepening inward knowledge that in the final reckoning, all is well.”
~A. Powell Davies

I can't say that all is well at the moment, but I guess that just means I haven't gotten to that point yet, because I have no doubt that my heart has been stretched by this loss. And considering how much it has stretched from the love I share with the New Englander, I have to believe that I am going to get to use it to both do good in the world and love and be loved fully...

Both Sides Now

 Sun setting at not-quite-snow-covered golf course

I felt much better today, probably due in no small part to the fact that I started the day with my yoga practice. I'm finding that now that I've settled into a six days per week practice routine, the most challenging thing about it is the day that I don't practice. I just don't quite feel sorted. I think it's healthy to take a day off, but it's often uncomfortable, and yesterday was no exception.

I had a super productive day today -- grocery shopping, baking, cooking, shoveling, cross country skiing, going to Alanon -- and it felt really good.

I think part of the reason for my funk yesterday was feelings stirred up from seeing my family, and Alanon is helpful with that.

But maybe the most useful thing I got from the meeting was this saying:

Part of growing is letting illusions die.

That really hit me like a ton of bricks. That's exactly what I need to do, I thought, and exactly what I have been doing -- allowing the illusion to die that I'm going to get to marry the New Englander and live happily ever after. It's an illusion, and it's time for it to die.

Here's a song about letting love's illusions die:

Rows and flows of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere
I've looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on everyone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way

I've looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It's cloud illusions I recall
I really don't know clouds at all

Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As every fairy tale comes real
I've looked at love that way

But now it's just another show
You leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know
Don't give yourself away

I've looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions I recall
I really don't know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say "I love you" right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I've looked at life that way

But now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say I've changed
Well something's lost, but something's gained
In living every day

I've looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all

I know how you feel, Joni. Sometimes I don't either. But I'm learning, and as evidenced by my shadow in the photo above, I'm standing a little taller, looming a little larger, every single day...