If I Ain't Got You

My daughter's snowman

Hooray for snow! My kids and I were so happy to see this white stuff when we woke up this morning. One of the things that the vedic astrologer told me is that I have to be sure to spend time at play -- that I tend not to do that and it's good for me to play.

Playing in the snow is about as childlike as it gets for me, so playing outside with my kids today was a real treat. I felt so fortunate to have a big chunk of time just hanging out with both kids this weekend -- I am increasingly aware that the time I have with them at home is fleeting.

I'm super thankful that just as I started to contemplate having an empty nest in five years, my other favorite playmate came back into my life. Writing this post, I was reminded of this one from back in 2013, the year he left. I totally remember standing on those snowy trails in Boulder and crying out: "I miss my playmate!"

I sure did. I spent almost three years contemplating the subject of this song (the one that played on my inner jukebox today was that James Bay version of Alicia Keys' original)-- not having him -- and I'm ever so grateful that I don't have to face that anymore. Everything just feels better with him back in my world. Lighter. Happier. More love-filled:

Some people live for the fortune
Some people live just for the fame
Some people live for the power, yeah
Some people live just to play the game
Some people think that the physical things
Define what's within
And I've been there before
But that life's a bore
So full of the superficial

Some people want it all
But I don't want nothing at all
If it ain't you, baby
If I ain't got you, baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain't got you, yeah

Some people search for a fountain
That promises forever young
Some people need three dozen roses
And that's the only way to prove you love them
Hand me the world on a silver platter
And what good would it be
With no one to share

And my snow angel!

With no one who truly cares for me

Some people want it all
But I don't want nothing at all
If it ain't you, baby
If I ain't got you, baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain't got you, you, you
Some people want it all
But I don't want nothing at all
If it ain't you, baby
If I ain't got you, baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain't got you, yeah

If I ain't got you with me, baby
So nothing in this whole wide world don't mean a thing
If I ain't got you with me, baby

But I do have you, baby, and I will have you here in Madison with me and my other two favorite playmates soon enough!

If You Ever Want to Be In Love

Here I am with the happy couple

I heard this song as I was driving out of Chicago this morning:

Saw you today after so much time
Felt just like it used to be
Talking for hours 'bout a different life
Surrounded us in memories
We were close never close enough
Where are we now
'Cause if it's torn we can stitch it up
Don't rule it out
Oh no no

And it felt like it captured some of what I felt seeing and being with my cousin again -- particularly because he is now married to his best friend -- which I found really inspiring.

I'll come around
If you ever want to be in love
I'm not waiting, but I'm willing if you call me up
If you ever want to be in love
I'll come around

Yesiree, I do want to be in love, the way that they are in love. Not by trying to hang on to the good parts of a relationship that is now over and, while it held so much love, joy, and passion, lacked the whole package.

I drove away feeling inspired about love and possibility and the importance of not settling for less than what you really want by going back to something familiar, as it seems this song (and others like it) encourage:

Wanted to ask if we could have been
But my tongue wouldn't break the seal
You always had something effortless
At school you were the biggest deal
Little quirks close and open up
Time is slipping by
I'm always thinking 'bout the two of us
Replay on my mind
Always playing on my mind

I'll come around
If you ever want to be in love
I'm not waiting, but I'm willing if you call me up
If you ever want to be in love
I'll come around

We were, young we were side by side
Don't know when we started losing touch
If you want we could walk around
Maybe that would be enough
Used to talk drinking to the night
I would wake up on the front room floor
All along you'd be in my bed
Make me crazy make me want you more

I'll come around
If you ever want to be in love
I'm not waiting, but I'm willing if you call me up
I'll come around
If you ever want to be in love
I'm not waiting, but I'm willing if you call me up
If you ever want to be in love
I'll come around

Hold Back the River

I heard this song in the car on the way to my favorite Yin yoga class tonight:

Tried to keep you close to me,
But life got in between
Tried to square not being there
But think that I should have been

Hold back the river, let me look in your eyes
Hold back the river, so I
Can stop for a minute and see where you hide
Hold back the river, hold back

Once upon a different life
We rode our bikes into the sky
But now we call against the tide
Those distant days are flashing by

Which really set me up for another big release in class. As soon as I laid back on the bolster, as most people do while we wait for the teacher, the tears began rolling out the corners of my eyes:

Hold back the river, let me look in your eyes
Hold back the river, so I
Can stop for a minute and be by your side
Hold back the river, hold back

Of course, there's no holding back the river. Not the river that took away the man I loved most in this world and not the river of tears his departure left behind:

Lonely water, lonely water, won't you let us wander
Let us hold each other
Lonely water, lonely water, won't you let us wander
Let us hold each other

There's no holding each other. Not anymore. There's just me. Letting Go. Again. And again. And again...

Let It Go

My Note from the Universe today was so spot on, I just have to share it:

When a thing hurts your eyes, Sarah, stop looking at it.

When it hurts your ears, Sarah, stop listening to it.

And when it hurts your heart, Sarah, stop justifying it.

This is some damn good advice, some advice that I just wasn't ready to take for a long time, but that I can now hear loud and clear.

When I heard this beautiful song in the car today, I knew that he was singing about the exact same thing the Universe was telling me:

From walking home and talking loads
To seeing shows in evening clothes with you
From nervous touch to getting drunk
To staying up and waking up with you

But now we're sleeping at the edge
Holding something we don't need
All this delusion in our heads
Is gonna bring us to our knees

So come on let it go
Just let it be
Why don't you be you
And I'll be me

Everything's that's broke
Leave it to the breeze
Why don't you be you
And I'll be me

And I'll be me

From throwing clothes across the floor
To teeth and claws and slamming doors at you
If this is all we're living for
Why are we doing it, doing it, doing it anymore

I used to recognize myself
It's funny how reflections change
When we're becoming something else
I think it's time to walk away

So come on let it go
Just let it be
Why don't you be you
And I'll be me

Everything's that's broke
Leave it to the breeze
Why don't you be you
And I'll be me

And I'll be me

Trying to fit your hand inside of mine
When we know it just don't belong
There's no force on earth
Could make me feel right, no

Whoa

Trying to push this problem up the hill
When it's just too heavy to hold
Think now's the time to let it slide

So come on let it go
Just let it be
Why don't you be you
And I'll be me

And I'll be me

What a brilliant idea! I'm so glad to be able to finally take that suggestion...