If I Ain't Got You

My daughter's snowman

Hooray for snow! My kids and I were so happy to see this white stuff when we woke up this morning. One of the things that the vedic astrologer told me is that I have to be sure to spend time at play -- that I tend not to do that and it's good for me to play.

Playing in the snow is about as childlike as it gets for me, so playing outside with my kids today was a real treat. I felt so fortunate to have a big chunk of time just hanging out with both kids this weekend -- I am increasingly aware that the time I have with them at home is fleeting.

I'm super thankful that just as I started to contemplate having an empty nest in five years, my other favorite playmate came back into my life. Writing this post, I was reminded of this one from back in 2013, the year he left. I totally remember standing on those snowy trails in Boulder and crying out: "I miss my playmate!"

I sure did. I spent almost three years contemplating the subject of this song (the one that played on my inner jukebox today was that James Bay version of Alicia Keys' original)-- not having him -- and I'm ever so grateful that I don't have to face that anymore. Everything just feels better with him back in my world. Lighter. Happier. More love-filled:

Some people live for the fortune
Some people live just for the fame
Some people live for the power, yeah
Some people live just to play the game
Some people think that the physical things
Define what's within
And I've been there before
But that life's a bore
So full of the superficial

Some people want it all
But I don't want nothing at all
If it ain't you, baby
If I ain't got you, baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain't got you, yeah

Some people search for a fountain
That promises forever young
Some people need three dozen roses
And that's the only way to prove you love them
Hand me the world on a silver platter
And what good would it be
With no one to share

And my snow angel!

With no one who truly cares for me

Some people want it all
But I don't want nothing at all
If it ain't you, baby
If I ain't got you, baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain't got you, you, you
Some people want it all
But I don't want nothing at all
If it ain't you, baby
If I ain't got you, baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain't got you, yeah

If I ain't got you with me, baby
So nothing in this whole wide world don't mean a thing
If I ain't got you with me, baby

But I do have you, baby, and I will have you here in Madison with me and my other two favorite playmates soon enough!

Unthinkable

When I awoke this morning -- I got to sleep in because my practice partner canceled -- these lyrics were floating through my head:

I'm ready
I'm ready

I wasn't really sure to which song they belonged, but this is my best guess:

Moment of honesty
Someone's gotta take the lead tonight
Who's it gonna be?
I'm gonna sit right here
And tell you all that comes to me
If you have something to say
You should say it right now

You give me a feeling that I never felt before
And I deserve it, I think I deserve it
It's becoming something that's impossible to ignore
And I can't take it
I was wondering maybe
Could I make you my baby
If we do the unthinkable would it make us look crazy
If you ask me I'm ready
If you ask me I'm ready

And let me tell you, I am loving it that my subconscious is feeling like I'm ready:

I know you said to me
"This is exactly how it should feel when its meant to be"
Time is only wasting so why wait for eventually
If we gonna do something 'bout it
We should do it right now
(We should do it right now)

That's what I'm saying, Universe -- let's get on with it:

I was wondering maybe
Could I make you my baby
If we do the unthinkable would it make us look crazy
Or would it be so beautiful either way I'm sayin'
If you ask me I'm ready
If you ask me I'm ready
If you ask me I'm ready
If you ask me I'm ready

I feel ready. I really do...

Girl On Fire

I worked all weekend on a consulting project, except for the time I spent on my long run and putting my kids to bed/waking up with them on Saturday night/Sunday morning. There's no doubt it is sucking up a lot of my time, but I'm grateful that it helps alleviate my financial woes, and there is some aspect of the work itself that is satisfying, too.

It's a lot, though -- things are busy at work right now, I'm coming to terms with this huge loss, I taught yoga today -- and there are times when I feel pretty damn on top of the world for being able to manage it all. One of those times, not surprisingly, since it is a place where I'm in my power, was on my bike this monrning, when this song started playing in my head:

She's just a girl, and she's on fire
Hotter than a fantasy, lonely like a highway
She's living in a world, and it's on fire
Feeling the catastrophe, but she knows she can fly away

Oh, she got both feet on the ground
And she's burning it down
Oh, she got her head in the clouds
And she's not backing down

This girl is on fire
This girl is on fire
She's walking on fire
This girl is on fire

Looks like a girl, but she's a flame
So bright, she can burn your eyes
Better look the other way
You can try but you'll never forget her name
She's on top of the world
Hottest of the hottest girls say

Oh, we got our feet on the ground
And we're burning it down
Oh, got our head in the clouds
And we're not coming down

This girl is on fire
This girl is on fire
She's walking on fire
This girl is on fire

Everybody stands, as she goes by
Cause they can see the flame that's in her eyes
Watch her when she's lighting up the night
Nobody knows that she's a lonely girl
And it's a lonely world
But she gon' let it burn, baby, burn, baby

This girl is on fire
This girl is on fire
She's walking on fire
This girl is on fire

Oh, oh, oh...

She's just a girl, and she's on fire

Yep, that's me. And most of the time, I can feel that it's true. Right now though, I've got to get to bed -- gotta do it all again tomorrow!

All of the Lights

Few things are more reassuring to me these days than waking up with a song in my head. It tells me the circuits are connected, the juices are flowing, the message is here, and it's my job to figure out how to put the message to use. Today's message isn't the least bit cryptic.

I woke up hearing, loud and clear:

Turn up the lights in here baby
extra bright, I want y'all to see this
turn up the lights in here, baby
you know what I need
want you to see everything

I reckon this song arose out of two (or maybe three) circumstances:

1) Walking out of a particularly grueling (but productive) therapy session yesterday, my therapist left me with this parting word: transparency. She urged my love and I to let each other in on our thinking more, to collaborate and make decisions jointly. An area in which I, admittedly, could use some work. But I really think I'm good for it this time around.

2) My decision to make this blog public again and my renewed commitment to working on my memoir.

(3) I've been working out at the gym a lot, and this one has been a staple lately.