Rocketman

Oh Elton. I had no idea your life was so painful. I'm so sorry.

It's crazy to me how many artists have families who are horribly unsupportive. It was hard to watch: the nasty parents, the drug and alcohol abuse, and I could tell it was hard for my man to watch too.

It was also beautiful. Kinda like life in general.

Here's just one of the beautiful songs from this beautiful movie about this beautiful man:

She packed my bags last night, pre-flight
Zero hour: 9:00 a.m
And I'm gonna be high as a kite by then
I miss the Earth so much, I miss my life
It's lonely out in space
On such a timeless flight

And I think it's gonna be a long, long time
'Til touchdown brings me 'round again to find
I'm not the man they think I am at home
Oh no, no, no
I'm a rocket man
Rocket man
Burning out his fuse up here alone

Mars ain't the kind of place to raise your kids
In fact, it's cold as hell
And there's no one there to raise them if you did
And all this science I don't understand
It's just my job five days a week
A rocket man
A rocket man

And I think it's gonna be a long, long time
'Til touchdown brings me 'round again to find
I'm not the man they think I am at home
Oh no, no, no
I'm a rocket man
Rocket man
Burning out his fuse up here alone

And I think it's gonna be a long, long time
'Til touchdown brings me 'round again to find
I'm not the man they think I am at home
Oh no, no, no
I'm a rocket man
Rocket man
Burning out his fuse up here alone

And I think it's gonna be a long, long time
And I think it's gonna be a long, long time
And I think it's gonna be a long, long time
And I think it's gonna be a long, long time
And I think it's gonna be a long, long time

It was a long, long time, according to the movie, until Elton was truly loved, but he got there, and the rest of us can too...

Something About the Way You Look Tonight

Here you go, Elton: I looked something like this

I spent a bunch of time on my bike today, and songs often come to me as I ride. This song came to me in just that way:

There was a time
I was everything and nothing all in one
When you found me
I was feeling like a cloud across the sun

I need to tell you
How you light up every second of the day
But in the moonlight
You just shine like a beacon on the bay

And I can't explain
But it's something about the way you look tonight
Takes my breath away
It's that feeling I get about you, deep inside
And I can't describe
But it's something about the way you look tonight
Takes my breath away
The way you look tonight

With a smile
You pull the deepest secrets from my heart
In all honesty
I'm speechless and I don't know where to start

It seems like whenever I listen to music, I hear sad songs. They serve their purpose too, but it seems decidedly optimistic and loving of my inner jukebox to select this number as I rode in my backless yoga shirt across campus this graduation weekend...

I Don't Wanna Go On With You Like That

This morning I decided to repeat last week's Friday run around the Arboretum -- only this time I'd already done a 7 miler earlier in the week. It went well though, today. I'm really liking this distance. I might just stick with 10Ks. I don't know. We'll see if I'm moved to do another half marathon or even a full. Not sure at the moment. Just enjoying running when I feel like it, and I tend to enjoy runs of at least an hour more than shorter ones.

Anyway, of all the tunes that Slacker played for me during my run, it was this one that stayed with me afterward -- specifically, the chorus:

'Cause I don't wanna go on with you like that
Don't wanna be a feather in your cap
I just wanna tell you honey I ain't mad
But I don't wanna go on with you like that
Woah, woah, woah, oh yeah

This is really how I'm feeling at the moment about my last relationship. Sometimes I think I probably come across as bitter -- which I guess is the anger working its way out. But when I strip away everything, I'm not angry. I just don't have any interest in continuing in a relationship that falls short of what I want for myself, no matter how much of that relationship was worth hanging onto for as long as I did:

I just wanna tell you honey I ain't mad
But I don't wanna go on with you like that

All of the Lights

Few things are more reassuring to me these days than waking up with a song in my head. It tells me the circuits are connected, the juices are flowing, the message is here, and it's my job to figure out how to put the message to use. Today's message isn't the least bit cryptic.

I woke up hearing, loud and clear:

Turn up the lights in here baby
extra bright, I want y'all to see this
turn up the lights in here, baby
you know what I need
want you to see everything

I reckon this song arose out of two (or maybe three) circumstances:

1) Walking out of a particularly grueling (but productive) therapy session yesterday, my therapist left me with this parting word: transparency. She urged my love and I to let each other in on our thinking more, to collaborate and make decisions jointly. An area in which I, admittedly, could use some work. But I really think I'm good for it this time around.

2) My decision to make this blog public again and my renewed commitment to working on my memoir.

(3) I've been working out at the gym a lot, and this one has been a staple lately.

Daniel

This hasn't been an easy day for me, but this song has been keeping me company all day, on repeat on the inner jukebox:

Daniel my brother you are older than me

Do you still feel the pain of the scars that won't heal

Your eyes have died but you see more than I

Daniel you're a star in the face of the sky

It isn't specifically about fathers, but somehow it seems to be about the emotion that I feel about my father in a lot of ways. Though he's not physically dead, it seems the pain of the scars that won't heal has reduced him to a shadow of the being that I can feel he is on some level.

It has been SO hard for me over the years, dealing with the weight of that pain. As a young girl I knew it was there and tried to carry it for him; as a young woman I denied that it was there and tried to pretend he was the person I wanted him to be (and when he wasn't, looked for fathers in a husband and a boss); and now, at the midpoint of my expected life span, I feel more and more ready to allow him to be where he is and just be present to that pain without either taking it on or expecting it to transform.

Struggling with all this, a friend texted me suggesting a movie and I decided that was just the thing. I ended up seeing Tree of Life, a visually breathtaking, engrossing, difficult to follow movie that was very much about the failings of our fathers.

And although my inner jukebox had landed on this selection even before I had decided on this film, when I read the lyrics I felt like it was an uncanny match for this film, which is also about a brother dying:

Oh and I can see Daniel waving goodbye

God it looks like Daniel, must be the clouds in my eyes

Oh God it looks like Daniel, must be the clouds in my eye

And because it's a Terence Malick film, it actually visually explores whether people who die are clouds in our eyes or stars in the face of the sky... pretty cool stuff!