Nobody Does It Better

Love the first trip to picnic point of the "Spring"!

As I prepared for my run today, I decided to take my phone so I could listen to music. I've been either running without it or running with a friend lately, but when I turned on Slacker I got super excited when the song that was cued up was one of my all time faves, Total Eclipse of the Heart. I belted out the lyrics as I ran down the street - I'm sure the neighbors thought I'd lost it.

I just assumed I'd already blogged about that song, but it seems I haven't. Still, I'm going to save it for another time, because the song that came on after it made me realize that I was listening to some sort of love songs countdown, which maybe wasn't really the thing for the first 55 degree run to picnic point and back of the season, which, while muddy, was at least not ice-covered or inaccessible.

But as the love songs continued to play, one after the other, I decided to rewrite them, starting with this one from Carly Simon:

Nobody does it better
Makes me feel sad for the rest
Nobody does it half as good as you
Baby, you're the best

Someone must do it better, I reasoned, because I'm not with the person that did it twice as good as anyone else I've ever known, so that just has to mean that someone who does it even better is out there:

And nobody does it better
Though sometimes I wish someone could
Nobody does it quite the way you do
Why'd you have to be so good?

I gotta admit, the question that makes up the last line of that last verse is a question I've asked myself. After all, being with the New Englander absolutely ruined casual sex for me, which means it has been 19 months since I've had a shag.

But long dry spell notwithstanding, I know why he had to be so good: To teach me how good it can be.

And now that I know, and I'm ready to stop grieving and start living, I'll recognize the magic when I feel it again:

The way that you hold me whenever you hold me
There's some kind of magic inside you
That keeps me from runnin', but just keep it comin'
How'd you learn to do the things you do?

Except this time, it'll be with someone who wants to be my partner just as much as I want to be his. Someone who isn't afraid to be vulnerable. Someone who really, truly, is the best for me, not just what I thought at the time had to be right because it felt so damn good:

And nobody does it better
Makes me feel sad for the rest
Nobody does it half as good as you
Baby, baby, darling, you're the best

Sorry Carly, but I beg to differ -- someone must do it better -- and I can't wait to meet him!

I'm Not the Only One

Yesterday I found myself belting this song out when I thought I was alone, but wasn't:

You and me, we made a vow
For better or for worse
I can't believe you let me down
But the proof's in the way it hurts

For months on end I've had my doubts
Denying every tear
I wish this would be over now
But I know that I still need you here

You say I'm crazy
'Cause you don't think I know what you've done
But when you call me baby
I know I'm not the only one

What can I say? It's just that kind of song. Very satisfying to belt out:

You've been so unavailable
Now sadly I know why
Your heart is unobtainable
Even though Lord knows you kept mine

You say I'm crazy
'Cause you don't think I know what you've done
But when you call me baby
I know I'm not the only one

I have loved you for many years
Maybe I am just not enough
You've made me realize my deepest fear
By lying and tearing us up

But luckily, I know I'm enough. I also know I need someone who is excited for all of me -- I know I'm a force to be reckoned with and I need someone who celebrates that rather than shying away:

You say I'm crazy
'Cause you don't think I know what you've done
But when you call me baby
I know I'm not the only one

Nope. Not just yet. But I'm gonna be...

The Wolf

Still reeling from the weekend, I decided to pay a visit to an extra special yoga teacher with extra special powers last night. It really helped shift the way I was experiencing everything and I was so grateful.

Then this morning, I heard this song in the car:

Wide-eyed with a heart made full of fright
Your eyes follow like tracers in the night
And the tightrope that you wander everytime
You have been weighed, you have been found wanting

Been wondering for days
How you felt me slip your mind
Leave behind your wanton ways
I want to learn to love in kind
'Cause you were all I ever longed for

And I thought how this recent traumatic event and the contact I had with the New Englander about it just really served to show me that I've never been with someone who is all I've ever longed for, but by God, I deserve nothing less:

Sheltered, you better keep the wolf back from the door
He wanders ever closer every night
And how he waits begging for blood
I promised you everything would be fine

Been wondering for days
How you felt me slip your mind
Leave behind your wanton ways
I want to learn to love in kind
'Cause you were all I ever longed for

Hold my gaze love, you know I want to let it go
We will stare down at the wonder of it all
And I-I will hold you in it and I-I will hold you in it

Been wondering for days
How you felt me slip your mind
Leave behind your wanton ways
I want to look you in the eye
'Cause you were all I ever longed for

Nope, you weren't. You were a lot of really wonderful things and then the rest of what I was looking for, well, I pretended you had that too but you really didn't.

No more pretending! Here's to being real, and staying with myself, with whatever and whoever shows up next. I know that no one man can be all things but I also know in my heart the difference between someone who is all in and someone who isn't, and having run the course with someone I knew for years was in the latter category, I won't be doing that again!

I'm So Tired of Being Alone

The B4C team dashes from one school to the next

What an incredible, emotional day. After working my ass off for weeks to prepare, today I had the honor of bringing yoga to educators in three of Madison's public schools.

It was intense, it was rushed (see photo of us running down the hall of one school with our gear to get to the next school), but it was also beautiful, so beautiful.

Part of what was beautiful was holding space for these educators to take care of themselves, and part of it was our team. I feel so loved and seen and heard by the Breathe for Change team, and so blessed to be able to bring the practice of yoga -- which absolutely changed my life -- to so many educators.

It was also a hard day in some ways. I realized at the Breathe for Change healthy hour that I felt triggered by something that happened today -- maybe just being in contact with other people who went through what I went through but haven't yet unraveled it. I don't know.

I also felt acutely the lack of coupleness I had going on, with so many others there with romantic partners. I wanted nothing more than to go home and snuggle on the couch with my man, although that would be hard, because I don't have a man.

Cue Al Green here:

I'm so tired of being alone,
I'm so tired of on my own,
Won't you help me, girl,
Just as soon as you can.
People say that I've found a way,
To make you say,
That you love me.
But baby,
You didn't go for that,
Ha, it's a natural fact,
That I want to come back,
Show me where it's at, baby.

I'm so tired of being alone,
I'm so tired of on my own,
Won't you help me, girl,
Soon as you can.
I guess you know that I, uh,
I love you so,
Even though,
You don't want me no more,
Hey, hey, hey, hey I'm cryin' tears,
Through the years,
I tell you like it is,
Honey, love me if you can.

Ya baby,
Tired of being alone here by myself, now
I tell ya, I'm tired baby,
I'm tired of being all wrapped up late at night,
In my dreams, nobody but you, baby.
Sometimes I wonder,
If you love me like you say you do,
You see baby, I, I, I, I've been thinking about you,
I've been wanting to get next to you, baby,
Sometimes I hold my arms and I say,
Oh baby, yeah, needing you has proven to me,
To be my greatest dream, yeah

Awh!

I'm so tired of being alone,
I'm so tired of on my own,
Sometimes late at night I get to wonderin' about you baby,
Baby, baby, ya ya, baby you're my heart's desire

One of these days, I'll be in my heart's desire's arms, I just know it!

Something About the Way You Look Tonight

Here you go, Elton: I looked something like this

I spent a bunch of time on my bike today, and songs often come to me as I ride. This song came to me in just that way:

There was a time
I was everything and nothing all in one
When you found me
I was feeling like a cloud across the sun

I need to tell you
How you light up every second of the day
But in the moonlight
You just shine like a beacon on the bay

And I can't explain
But it's something about the way you look tonight
Takes my breath away
It's that feeling I get about you, deep inside
And I can't describe
But it's something about the way you look tonight
Takes my breath away
The way you look tonight

With a smile
You pull the deepest secrets from my heart
In all honesty
I'm speechless and I don't know where to start

It seems like whenever I listen to music, I hear sad songs. They serve their purpose too, but it seems decidedly optimistic and loving of my inner jukebox to select this number as I rode in my backless yoga shirt across campus this graduation weekend...

Dream a Little Dream of Me

My kids and I got back from visiting my sister for my nephew's birthday this afternoon, and I was just kinda feeling like hanging at the homestead this evening. But I'd been invited to what seemed like would be a pretty cool party, so after I finished my dinner, I decided to venture out.

After all, I told myself, I've been asking the Universe to hook me up with some new peeps -- and I can't very well expect that to happen in my living room.

The evening didn't disappoint. I saw lots of people I knew and met some new ones too, including a group of people who invited me to a weekly ski event this Winter. Many of the people I talked to were very tall men, too, which is always a plus, though most of them were married.

Not all of them were, though, and as I was walking out to my car at the end of the evening, I heard the first verse of this song...

Stars shining bright above you
Night breezes seem to whisper "I love you"
Birds singing in the sycamore trees
Dream a little dream of me

...and hoped that some tall, lovely man was doing just that!