Calling All Angels

Got home this afternoon to a kitchen full of dishes and stuff everywhere. As I tried to summon the energy to tackle it, this song popped into my head:

I need a sign to let me know you're here
All of these lines are being crossed over the atmosphere
I need to know that things are gonna look up
'Cause I feel us drowning in a sea spilled from a cup

When there is no place safe and no safe place to put my head
When you feel the world shake from the words that are said

And I'm calling all angels
I'm calling all you angels

I'm going to need some sort of assistance as the days get shorter, it's finally starting to get colder, and I get busier with work commitments.

Took the day off from practice today and I often don't feel as good on those days. The run this afternoon helped, though I'm not running enough to feel really great during the run itself. It helps that I've started running on Fridays with a couple of friends for exactly this reason:

I won't give up if you don't give up
I won't give up if you don't give up
I won't give up if you don't give up
I won't give up if you don't give up

That's also how I got through those 30 days without chocolate or sweets -- by being accountable to my friend in Boulder who was doing it with me.

Our people are important, that's for sure, but so is letting go and letting forces for good in the unseen help take care of you:

I need a sign to let me know you're here
'Cause my TV set just keeps it all from being clear
I want a reason for the way things have to be
I need a hand to help build up some kind of hope inside of me

And I'm calling all angels
I'm calling all you angels
Calling all you angels...

Drive By

This morning I was woken, not by an external alarm, but by my internal clock radio, which was playing this song to rouse me from my slumber:

On the other side of a street I knew
Stood a girl that looked like you
I guess thats deja vu
But I thought this can't be true
Cause you moved to west L.A or New York or Santa Fe
Or wherever to get away from me
Oh but that one night
Was more than just right
I didn't leave you cause I was all through
Oh I was overwhelmed, and frankly scared as hell
Because I really fell for you
Oh I swear to you
I'll be there for you
This is not a drive by
Just a shy guy looking for a two ply
Hefty bag to hold my love
When you move me everything is groovy
They don't like it sue me
Mm the way you do me
Oh I swear to you
I'll be there for you
This is not a drive by
On the upside of a downward spiral
My love for you went viral
And I loved you every mile you drove away
But now here you are again
So let's skip the "how you been"And
get down to the "more than friends" at last
Oh but that one night
Is still the highlight
I didn't need you until I came to
and I was overwhelmed, and frankly scared as hell
Because I really fell for you
Oh I swear to you
I'll be there for you
This is not a drive by
Just a shy guy looking for a two ply
Hefty bag to hold my love
When you move me everything is groovy
They don't like it sue me
Mm the way you do me
Oh I swear to you
I'll be there for you
This is not a drive by
Please believe that when I leave
There's nothing up my sleeve but love for you
And a little time to get my head together too...

I'm not sure exactly what it's about, except to say that I've landed in a place where I'm not about drive-bys anymore. Even in between relationships, as I am now, I'm just not interested in something less than what I want and need. So maybe this is about affirming that next time, it won't be a drive by...

Hey Soul Sister

One of my soul sisters, and one of the Soul Sisters, left me a voicemail this morning while I was meditating --- at the very moment I was working through something she had helped me with. It's amazing how connected we all are when we take a moment to realize it!

I have to admit that I find this song highly irritating, but it is apropos, and it does make reference to a favorite 80's band!

Hey soul sister, ain't that Mr. Mister on the radio, stereo, the way you move ain't fair, you know!

Hey soul sister, I don't want to miss a single thing you do...tonight

Hey, hey, hey

If It's Love

Make that two days in a row that my internal alarm clock is set to music. This morning I was awoken by another song by Train, but then landed on this one, which touches on some themes I have been exploring lately -- in my own head, with friends, with my man, and yesterday, with a stranger at a bar. (And besides, I didn't want to be the one responsible for getting the other song stuck in anyone else's head.)

Last night after a long day at work and a satisfying workout, I decided to stop at one of my favorite new restaurants for dinner rather than go home and forage in my fridge. I ate (and drank) at the bar, and ended up in a really fascinating conversation with a man sitting to my right. It started out as a conversation about movies, then Blue Valentine, a movie I really want to see that is supposed to have lots of realistic sex scenes (it's rated NC-17) and display lots of raw emotion (my favorite kind), and that led to a discussion of sex and relationships and men and women and love and marriage and sexuality and romance and attraction and monogamy...

This dude had a particularly interesting take on these topics. Married to a woman with whom he has three kids, he said he could just as easily have fallen in love with a man. He said he's sexually attracted to both (this I get) and could've gone either way. I asked whether that meant he had an open marriage, to which he replied "No. I just think that would threaten the security I feel with my wife." I reckon he's right. He seemed pretty darn content with his choice, and I guess that's what is is to some extent, a choice. I mean yeah, you've got to feel something pretty powerful to want to link your life to someone -- but what keeps it feeling like a choice you're glad you're making?

There's nothing particularly brilliant in these lyrics (who is Henry Lee?), but some of them are quite sweet, and they capture both the feeling and the decision:

But I'm afraid when I hear stories about a husband and wife

There's no happy endings, no Henry Lee

But you are the greatest thing about me

If it's love

And we decide that it's forever

No one else could do it better

Love, love

Got to have something to keep us together

Love, love

That's enough for me

Yes, love. Hugely important that it's there and that it flows equally in both directions. And then there's good old fashioned compatibility. This time around, I need a partner with an adventurous spirit:

We can travel to Spain where the rain falls

Mainly on the plain side and sing

'Cause it is we can laugh, we can sing

Have ten kids and give them everything

Hold our cell phones up in the air

And just be glad that we made it here alive

On a spinning ball in the middle of space

I love you from your toes to your face

I'm going to have to part ways with Train on this last verse, though -- I think, particularly when it's the second (or any number other than one) time around -- that it's vital to know where you've both been:

You can move in, I won't ask where you've been

'Cause everybody has a past

When we're older we'll do it all over again

And I reckon that's exactly what can keep me from having to do it all over again -- more than twice, I mean.