Wonderful Tonight

Bride and groom weren't the only wonderfuls tonight!

I had the honor this weekend of accompanying my boyfriend to the wedding of some of his favorite people. What a pleasure to be on the arm of a man so clearly beloved by so many in attendance.

The wedding was gorgeous, and Eric Clapton was kind enough to provide the music for their first dance:

It's late in the evening; she's wondering what clothes to wear
She puts on her make-up and brushes her long blonde hair
And then she asks me, "Do I look all right?"
And I say, "Yes, you look wonderful tonight"

We go to a party and everyone turns to see
This beautiful lady that's walking around with me
And then she asks me, "Do you feel all right?"
And I say, "Yes, I feel wonderful tonight"

I feel wonderful because I see
The love light in your eyes
And the wonder of it all
Is that you just don't realize how much I love you
It's time to go home now and I've got an aching head
So I give her the car keys and she helps me to bed

And then I tell her, as I turn out the light
I say, "My darling, you were wonderful tonight
Oh my darling, you were wonderful tonight"

Yes, my darling, you were. Wonderfully you!

Before You Accuse Me

I can't super say why the internal jukebox started playing this song while I was mountain biking this morning, but it did:

Before you accuse me, take a look at yourself
Before you accuse me, take a look at yourself
You say I've been spending my money on other women
You've been taking money from someone else

I called your mama 'bout three or four nights ago
I called your mama 'bout three or four nights ago
Well your mother said "Son"
"Don't call my daughter no more"

Before you accuse me, take a look at yourself
Before you accuse me, take a look at yourself
You say I've been spending my money on other women
You've been taking money from someone else

Come back home baby, try my love one more time
Come back home baby, try my love one more time
If I don't go on and quit you
I'm gonna lose my mind

I'm pretty sure this song was playing in my head when I crashed -- and it was quite a crash. But I got right back up, hoping my bike would still work (it did), just in time to get out of the way of the dude behind me. My legs were shaky, my knee was skinned, and my back felt stiff, but otherwise, I seemed to be relatively unscathed.

Maybe that crash was the Universe's way of saying that I shouldn't still be singing that last verse, as tempting as it is when I'm doing one of the things I most enjoyed with my last lover. Because in truth, I don't want him to come back home.

I want to be with someone who is whole. And well. I've worked too hard to get there myself not to reap the benefits within the context of my romantic relationship. If I could just manage to stop protecting myself from further heartbreak, I could let that beautiful, whole, well person in. And I will. When I'm ready. I'm just making sure I've adequately prepared on my end...

Tears in Heaven

Heard this song on cheesy-at-the-pool-favorites at our resort near the end of the week, and felt profound gratitude for this week spent with my kids in such a beautiful spot.

Sure, there are things I was lacking this past week -- a partner to share the experience with, as well as the parenting -- and there were some things my kids were lacking this week -- their father; a partner of mine to whom they have bonded -- but I think I can speak for all of us when I say that having the time in Mexico together far exceeded the hard feelings about what was missing.

I guess you could say I feel that way overall about my life. Getting divorced has been hard on all of us, there's no question about that. And watching how hard I've tried to put back together a family of four for myself and my kids, I'm in awe of the power of that desire.

But reading this story of loss, and listening to this song about loss:

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would you feel the same
If I saw you in heaven?
I must be strong and carry on
'Cause I know I don't belong here in heaven

Would you hold my hand
If I saw you in heaven?
Would you help me stand
If I saw you in heaven?
I'll find my way through night and day
'Cause I know I just can't stay here in heaven

Time can bring you down, time can bend your knees
Time can break your heart, have you begging please, begging please

Beyond the door there's peace I'm sure
And I know there'll be no more tears in heaven...

I mainly feel profoundly grateful that these losses we've suffered are not deaths of loved ones. And I feel emboldened once again in my quest to pick myself up, dust myself off, and enjoy the love that is all around me. Not as it was, not as I dream it could be, but just exactly as it is.