South of Heaven

Straight off the set of a Wes Anderson movie!

Tonight we got to witness our friend get married in a way that was very personal and beautiful.

The processional was to this Slayer song, yep, that's right, a Slayer song, albeit being performed by Vitamin String Quartet:

An unforeseen future nestled somewhere in time.
Unsuspecting victims no warnings, no signs.
Judgment day the second coming arrives.
Before you see the light you must die.
Forgotten children, conform a new faith,
Avidity and lust controlled by hate.
[The] Never ending search for your shattered sanity,
Souls of Damnation in their own reality.
Chaos rampant,
An age of distrust.
Confrontations.
Impulsive habitat.
Bastard sons beget your cunting daughters,
Promiscuous mothers with your incestuous fathers.
Engreat souls condemned for all eternity,
Sustained by immoral observance a domineering deity.
Chaos rampant,
An age of distrust.
Confrontations.
Impulsive sabbath.
On and on, south of heaven
On and on, south of heaven
On and on, south of heaven
On and on, south of heaven
The root of all evil is the heart of a black soul.
A force that has lived all eternity.
A never ending search for a truth never told.
The loss of all hope and your dignity.
Chaos rampant,
An age of distrust.
Confrontations.
Impulsive habitat.
On and on, south of heaven
On and on, south of heaven
On and on, south of heaven
On and on, south of heaven

Not the most uplifting lyrics, mind you.

And the bride dropped a couple of F-bombs during the ceremony. My kids both looked at me in those moments. Authenticity, I reminded them when we talked about it afterward. Authenticity is more important than convention...

Wonderful Tonight

Bride and groom weren't the only wonderfuls tonight!

I had the honor this weekend of accompanying my boyfriend to the wedding of some of his favorite people. What a pleasure to be on the arm of a man so clearly beloved by so many in attendance.

The wedding was gorgeous, and Eric Clapton was kind enough to provide the music for their first dance:

It's late in the evening; she's wondering what clothes to wear
She puts on her make-up and brushes her long blonde hair
And then she asks me, "Do I look all right?"
And I say, "Yes, you look wonderful tonight"

We go to a party and everyone turns to see
This beautiful lady that's walking around with me
And then she asks me, "Do you feel all right?"
And I say, "Yes, I feel wonderful tonight"

I feel wonderful because I see
The love light in your eyes
And the wonder of it all
Is that you just don't realize how much I love you
It's time to go home now and I've got an aching head
So I give her the car keys and she helps me to bed

And then I tell her, as I turn out the light
I say, "My darling, you were wonderful tonight
Oh my darling, you were wonderful tonight"

Yes, my darling, you were. Wonderfully you!

I Loved Her First

Another Babysitter Gets Married!

My kids and I had the pleasure of attending our third wedding of a former babysitter of theirs. They are such a fun couple, and the wedding was fun too, but I couldn't help but feel some sadness about the contrast between our babysitter's experience with her Dad at her wedding and my own experience with mine.

My Dad refused to give a speech at my wedding; hers gave a beautiful speech, calling her radiant and welcoming her new husband to the family.

I had no dance with the father of the bride at my wedding; our babysitter and her Dad danced to this touching number:

Look at the two of you dancing that way
Lost in the moment and each others face
So much in love your alone in this place
Like there's nobody else in the world
I was enough for her not long ago
I was her number one
She told me so
And she still means the world to me
Just so you know
So be careful when you hold my girl
Time changes everything
Life must go on
And I'm not gonna stand in your way

But I loved her first and I held her first
And a place in my heart will always be hers
From the first breath she breathed
When she first smiled at me
I knew the love of a father runs deep
And I prayed that she'd find you someday
But it still hard to give her away
I loved her first

How could that beautiful women with you
Be the same freckle face kid that I knew
The one that I read all those fairy tales to
And tucked into bed all those nights
And I knew the first time I saw you with her
It was only a matter of time

But I loved her first and I held her first
And a place in my heart will always be hers
From the first breath she breathed
When she first smiled at me
I knew the love of a father runs deep
And I prayed that she'd find you someday
But its still hard to give her away
I loved her first

From the first breath she breathed
When she first smiled at me
I knew the love of a father runs deep
Someday you might know what I'm going through
When a miracle smiles up at you
I loved her first

I know my Dad loves me. I also know he's unlikely ever to express it in word or in song. And I'm at peace with that, most of the time. But once in a while, some sadness is going to come up, and I'm ok with that too...

Human

I love this happy couple!

Yesterday I went to the wedding of some dear friends of mine. It was an outdoor ceremony, in which the groom's 4-year old son was an integral part, and it was super sweet.

Normally I cry at weddings, but at this one I didn't. I don't know if it was the presence of a little kid, or the fact that I was with coworkers rather than loved ones, but no tears.

Although I was super glad to witness the union of two people I care about, it wasn't exactly easy. Being there alone, rather than in a couple. And being there knowing that my dreams of marrying the man from New England were all but dead wasn't easy either.

From the moment I woke up yesterday, I was dealing with anger about those dreams dying. I had a dream in which I was so angry I was looking for something to break that wouldn't make too big of a mess. Strange, I know. You'd think in a dream I could smash whatever I wanted, but I was pretty careful. Afterward, (but still in the dream), I was trying to calm down, and I started walking down a path when I ran into my 11-year old daughter, who took one look at me and cursed, as if she knew exactly what I was upset about and thought it sucked too. I went to scold her for it, but then stopped myself. Seemed pretty appropriate to be feeling that way about it.

The reception turned out to be fun, but at one point I found myself passing judgement on a guy who lived with a woman for 5 years and then recently started dating someone whom he already wants to marry. He took it in good humor, but today when I was riding my bike I realized that I had projected my anger and sadness about my own relationship ending rather than resulting in marriage onto him, so I decided to send him an email and apologize for my behavior.

My bike ride didn't turn out as planned, either. I'd hoped to revisit some single track along the river that I rode a couple of summers ago with my now departed (from my life anyway) mountain biking pal, but I couldn't find it, so I ended up riding along a different section of the river on a wider gravel trail. It was still in the woods, and I got to see a great blue heron take off, so it wasn't a total loss. But it did get me in touch with the tears that hadn't flowed at the wedding. "I don't know where I'm going without my mountain biking pal," I sobbed. "On my mountain bike or in my life." Which sounds a little melodramatic, but it also happens to be true. And although it feels uncertain and scary, it also feels pregnant with possibility, and I haven't been carrying that baby for quite some time now.

I decided to jump in the car after my ride and head back to Madison in time to make it to Alanon, and I'm sure glad I did. I suggested the topic of letting go, and I got all kinds of good advice from the folks around the table. One guy said "pound the gratitude" which I thought was pretty darn cute, and an old man said to me on his way out: "We all want our way, Sarah, we just don't always get it."

Nope, we don't. But it's only human for us to want our way. Just ask Christina Perri:

(But) I'm only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I'm only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
'Cause I'm only human

I can hold my breath
I can bite my tongue
I can stay awake for days
If that's what you want
Be your number one

I can fake a smile
I can force a laugh
I can dance and play the part
If that's what you ask
Give you all I am

Another piece of advice I got at the meeting was to act as if. Act as if I'm over him. Act as if I'm letting go. And it makes sense. Because if I'm acting as if I'm over him, I'm not still sending him emails, which I did as recently as three days ago. "Forgiveness isn't necessarily forgetting, it's letting go of the hurt," another man said. Yes. I need to work on forgiveness. I need to work on letting go of the hurt.

And:

I can do it
I can do it
I can do it

I know I can. I just need to give myself time and space to work through it, and remember that:

(But) I'm only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I'm only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
'Cause I'm only human

I can do it
I can do it
I'll get through it

Yes I will...

I Wanna Get Better

I don't think I'd be doing nearly as well in this life without the support of friends. Especially at a time like this -- although with my last relationship, the time like this comes and goes and comes back again. Hopefully I've learned now what I needed to learn here, because in the words of a song a friend sent me this week:

I wanna get better

That I do. I'm tired of being stuck in a frustrated place:

While my friends were getting high and chasing girls down parkway lines
I was losing my mind 'cause the love, the love, the love, the love, the love
That I gave wasted on a nice face
In a blaze of fear I put a helmet on a helmet
Counting seconds through the night and got carried away
So now I'm standing on the overpass screaming at the cars,

"Hey, I wanna get better!"

Ok, so I'm screaming inside my car, but the effect is roughly similar.

Today I'm going to a wedding. I'm going solo, and I'm kinda hoping some lovely man will be going solo too. A man with whom I can move forward, into my future:

I didn’t know I was lonely 'til I saw your face
I wanna get better, better, better, better,
I wanna get better
I didn't know I was broken 'til I wanted to change
I wanna get better, better, better, better,
I wanna get better

Yes I do! And there's no time like the present for living the life I want to be living...

(I'd Go The) Whole Wide World

The bride and groom exchange vows

We took the ferry from Manitowoc, WI to Ludington, MI, en route to our family vacation last week. On the way home -- and it literally was on our way home -- we stopped off at the wedding of our dear friend and former nanny.

The wedding was held at the groom's family farm -- which was beautiful and complete with cows, kittens, roosters and hens.

The wedding was beautiful too, and I especially liked the song they chose for their first dance. The original was by an artist I've never heard of -- Wreckless Eric -- but The Proclaimers also do a great rendition:

My family with our honorary family member

When I was a young boy
My mama said to me
There's only one girl in the world for you
And she probably lives in Tahiti

I'd go the whole wide world
I'd go the whole wide world
Just to find her

Or maybe she's in the Bahamas
Where the Carribean sea is blue
Weeping in a tropical moonlit night
Because nobody's told her 'bout you

I'd go the whole wide world
I'd go the whole wide world
Just to find her
I'd go the whole wide world
I'd go the whole wide world
Find out where they hide her

Why am I hanging around in the rain out here
Trying to pick up a girl
Why are my eyes filling up with these lonely tears
When there're girls all over the world

Is she lying on a tropical beach somewhere
Underneath the tropical sun
Pining away in a heatwave there
Hoping that I won't be long

I should be lying on that sun-soaked beach with her
Caressing her warm brown skin
And then in a year or maybe not quite
We'll be sharing the same next of kin

I'd go the whole wide world
I'd go the whole wide world
Just to find her
I'd go the whole wide world
I'd go the whole wide world
Find out where they hide her

Super sweet, romantic song, and I'm really, really happy for them. He found her, and they've got the whole wide world ahead of them. They're off to Indonesia for a honeymoon and then I have a feeling, before too long, our super awesome babysitter will start having babies of her own.

But I'd be remiss if I marked this day without also mentioning that when we arrived at the wedding, I was exhausted from the family vacation, and the kids responded to that by full-on fighting: swearing at each other and chasing each other with sticks. It was ugly, and it made me wish for someone else on my team. A partner. You know, someone who'd go the whole wide world just to find me...