So Long, Marianne

During an episode of This is Us tonight, they played this beautiful song and talked about how Leonard Cohen had written it for his ex-girlfriend, with whom he remains friends:

Come over to the window, my little darling,
I'd like to try to read your palm.
I used to think I was some kind of Gypsy boy
before I let you take me home.
Now so long, Marianne, it's time that we began
to laugh and cry and cry and laugh about it all again.

The New Englander and I don't quite laugh and cry about it all again, but we did laugh together again, and show up for what's happening in each other's lives. It's still hard for both of us to understand how we unraveled, and it sounds like this is a bit of a mystery for Leonard and Marianne too:

Well you know that I love to live with you,
but you make me forget so very much.
I forget to pray for the angels
and then the angels forget to pray for us.

Now so long, Marianne, it's time that we began ...

We met when we were almost young
deep in the green lilac park.
You held on to me like I was a crucifix,
as we went kneeling through the dark.

Almost young, I like that phrase - -I'm not sure if the New Englander and I would qualify, at 39 and 44 when we met. I sho can relate to holding on to him like a crucifix, though - there was definitely, I think for both of us, a feeling of being saved by the love we shared.

Oh so long, Marianne, it's time that we began ...

Your letters they all say that you're beside me now.
Then why do I feel alone?
I'm standing on a ledge and your fine spider web
is fastening my ankle to a stone.

It's hard getting on after a breakup, and sometimes it does feel lonely, and as though the hold my former lover has is weighing me down.

Now so long, Marianne, it's time that we began ...

For now I need your hidden love.
I'm cold as a new razor blade.
You left when I told you I was curious,
I never said that I was brave.

I am brave, or I wouldn't have been able to end things in the first place, but sometimes, sometimes I don't feel all that brave. Sometimes I just plain miss him.

Oh so long, Marianne, it's time that we began ...

Oh, you are really such a pretty one.
I see you've gone and changed your name again.
And just when I climbed this whole mountainside,
to wash my eyelids in the rain!

I'm with you there, Leonard, my eyelids get lots of washing, rain and shine!

Oh so long, New Englander, it's time that we began...

Joshua Tree

This handsome mug had my heart for most of a decade

I bought myself a speaker. I've been listening to music on it, rather than watching TV on my computer. This is just one of the ways the New Englander influenced my life in a positive way.

It's strange to be here in this house without him or any of his stuff today. All that room in the garage, in the bed.

I'll get used to it. I know I will. I'll even relish it.

And yet, there will always be times when I see a photo, whether on my phone or in my mind, of a time and a place and a love we shared, and it will tug at my heartstrings and knowing me, send some tears down my face.

One of the songs that came on today expresses this sentiment beautifully:

I'm selfish
I always made your problems 'bout me
I can't help it
I wish I had a little empathy for ya
But that night that you told me
That I don't work hard enough
Told me I cracked too much
Ripped me to pieces
And then called it love
Oh and I never handled it like I wanted to
What was I supposed to do?
Knowing that both of us had enough

But when you think of me
I hope you think of Joshua Tree
That summer, where the road went on forever
No end in sight for us
When you think of me
I hope you think of the letters that I sent ya
From across town, just 'cause I missed ya
When the worst was yet to come
And you know I do, when I think of you
Yeah you know I do, when I think of you

You're careless
Always saying things you didn't mean
Took me for granted
Expecting me to find the in-between
But that night that I told you that I wouldn't marry you
Swear I could feel from the floor to the ceiling
Your walls came up
So then I pulled you closer, and you pushed me further
And nothing would matter
We kept getting sadder
And called it love

But when you think of me
I hope you think of Joshua Tree
That summer, where the road went on forever
No end in sight for us
When you think of me
I hope you think of the letters that I sent ya
From across town, just 'cause I missed ya
When the worst was yet to come
'Cause you know I do, when I think of you
Yeah you know I do, when I think of you

I think of New Year's in San Fransisco
Drunk on my roof looking at you
Wrapped up in your coat
So tell me, my dear
What do you think of?
Don't you remember why we fell in love?

Oh, when you think of me
I hope you think of Joshua Tree
That summer, where the road went on forever
No end in sight for us
When you think of me
I hope you think of the letters that I sent ya
From across town, just 'cause I missed ya
When the worst was yet to come
'Cause you know I do, when I think of you, oh baby
Yeah, you know I do, when I think of you
I think of you, I think of you, baby
Are you thinking 'bout me, baby?
I'm thinking 'bout ya

💔

Back Streets

My forever friend (I hope) leaves for NH

It was a day, in some ways, like many others. I made avocado toast. We sat outside on the back patio and ate it.

As this song wafted through the speakers, the New Englander explained how it had affected him when he was a youngster:

One soft infested summer
Me and Terry became friends
Trying in vain to breathe
The fire we was born in
Catching rides to the outskirts
Tying faith between our teeth
Sleeping in that old abandoned beach house
Getting wasted in the heat
And hiding on the backstreets
Hiding on the backstreets
With a love so hard and filled with defeat
Running for our lives at night on them backstreets

Slow dancing in the dark
On the beach at Stockton's Wing
Where desperate lovers park
We sat with the last of the Duke Street Kings
Huddled in our cars
Waiting for the bells that ring
In the deep heart of the night
We let loose of everything
To go running on the backstreets
Running on the backstreets
Terry you swore we'd live forever
Taking it on them backstreets together

Endless juke joints and Valentino drag
Where dancers scraped the tears
Up off the streets dressed down in rags
Running into the darkness
Some hurt bad some really dying
At night sometimes it seemed
You could hear the whole damn city crying
Blame it on the lies that killed us
Blame it on the truth that ran us down
You can blame it all on me Terry
It don't matter to me now
When the breakdown hit at midnight
There was nothing left to say
But I hated him
And I hated you when you went away

Now laying here in the dark
You're like an angel on my chest
Just another tramp of hearts
Crying tears of faithlessness
Remember all the movies, Terry
We'd go see
Trying to learn how to walk like the heroes
We thought we had to be
Well after all this time
To find we're just like all the rest
Stranded in the park
And forced to confess
To hiding on the backstreets
Hiding on the backstreets

Except it wasn't a day like many others. It was only kind of like one other day, June 26, 2013, when he moved back to NH the first time. And it wasn't even that much like that.

The feeling was really different this time. The feeling was saying goodbye to the two of us as lovers, to bowing in gratitude for what this time spent together in that way had done for us, and of moving on to a new phase.

We're not sure exactly how it'll work, but we're going to do our best to remember this day...

Where we swore forever friends
On the backstreets until the end

💕

Bad

Gonna miss this guy!

This gorgeous song was running through my head last night and this morning after a pillow-talk convo with the New Englander:

If you twist and turn away
If you tear yourself in two again
If I could, yes I would
If I could, I would let it go
Surrender, dislocate

If I could throw this lifeless lifeline to the wind
Leave this heart of clay, see you walk, walk away
Into the night, and through the rain
Into the half light and through the flame

If I could, through myself, set your spirit free
I'd lead your heart away, see you break, break away
Into the light and to the day

Hoo, hoo!
Hoo, hoo!
Hoo, hoo!
Hoo, hoo!
Hoo, hoo!
Hoo, hoo!

To let it go and so to fade away
To let it go and so fade away
I'm wide awake
I'm wide awake, wide awake
I'm not sleeping
Oh no, no, no

If you should ask, then maybe
They'd tell you what I would say
True colours fly in blue and black
Blue silken sky and burning flag
Colours crash, collide in blood-shot eyes

Hoo, hoo!
Hoo, hoo!
Hoo, hoo!

If I could, you know I would
If I could, I would let it go

Because, you see, if he could, I know he would. Make the changes that would make our lives together fulfilling and harmonious. I know he would.

But it doesn't work like that. That's the hard lesson I'm (we're?) learning.

And so we're going about our daily life, which feels almost normal, except for the fact that we are breaking up and he's packing up to move back to New Hampshire.

Which tells me we could've gone on like this forever, or at least a lot longer, allowing the good times to buoy us through the bad. But I feel certain that would be shortchanging both of us, and offering us less than the ease, peace, happiness and fulfillment that is available to each of us:

This desperation, dislocation
Separation, condemnation
Revelation, in temptation
Isolation, desolation
Let it go and so fade away
To let it go, oh yeah, and so fade away
To let it go, oh no, and so to fade away

Yeah U2, we two are gonna let the romance fade away. Here's hoping we can keep the friendship going.

In the meantime, your last few lines are true for me right now too:

I'm wide awake, I'm wide awake
Wide awake, I'm not sleeping
Oh no, no, no

Not for long, most nights these days. My system knows change is afoot...

Waiting For a Girl Like You

This morning I was riding my bike and my inner jukebox started up this number:

So long
I've been looking too hard
I've been waiting too long
Sometimes I don't know what I will find
I only know it's a matter of time
When you love someone
When you love someone

It feels so right, so warm and true
I need to know if you feel it too

Maybe I'm wrong
Won't you tell me if I'm coming on too strong
This heart of mine has been hurt before
This time I wanna be sure

I've been waiting for a girl like you
To come into my life
I've been waiting for a girl like you
A love that will survive
I've been waiting for someone new
To make me feel alive
Yeah, waiting for a girl like you
To come into my life

You're so good
When we make love
It's understood
It's more than a touch or a word we say
Only in dreams could it be this way
When you love someone
Yeah, really love someone

Specifically, the first two lines of this verse was on repeat, and I belted it out as I rode:

Now I know it's right
From the moment I wake up 'til deep in the night

I also sobbbbbbbbbbbed.

Here's the thing though, I did know it was right. The fact that it is coming to an end does not mean that it wasn't right. It means it's not right anymore. That's hard, but somehow it is easier than feeling like what I thought I knew was true wasn't true, which is what I struggled with the last time we broke up.

This is another verse that gets played over and over in my head:

It feels so right, so warm and true
I need to know if you feel it too

I know he did/does.

And it's going to be really hard to give it up.

But I trust we are doing the right thing. I know that it is better to let go than hold on when something deep inside tells me that he's not the right forever partner for me:

This heart of mine has been hurt before
This time I wanna be sure...

Just Between You and Me

These crazy kids met 9 years ago today

I'm not sure when it happened, exactly. I don't remember hearing this song recently:

Time and time again I see
A love that seemed strong was not meant to be
Broken hearts don't always mend
Left too unsure to try love again

But, just between you and me
Baby, I know our love will be
Just between you and me
Always I know our love will be
Just between you and me

Lovers often seem to say
Hearts can be blind to love gone astray
Always it's the same old song
Someone's been hurt by a love that's gone wrong

Just between you and me
Baby, I know our love will be
Just between you and me
Always I know our love will be
Just between you
Just between you and me

Words are sometimes hard to find
The silence can be so unkind
You always help me find my way
The love that we share grows stronger each day

Just between you and me
Baby, I know our love will be
Just between you and me
Always I know our love will be
Seulement entre toi et moi
Means that our love will always be
Just between you and me
Baby, I know our love will be
Just between you
Just between you and me

But I keep hearing it in my head.

And I'm finding it reassuring. Because even though we are splitting up, the love we shared will always be just between him and me...

Shattered Dreams

Darn, can't see the crazy eyebrows in this hot pic

The theme continues of this in-between place the New Englander and I are in and how freaking hard it is...

Tonight's installment:

During sex, this song came up on the inner ipod, right after I'd cried about how I wouldn't see his eyebrows turn all white and crazy as I'd expected I would:

So much for your promises
They died the day you let me go
Caught up in a web of lies
But it was just too late to know

I thought it was you
Who would stand by my side
And now you've given me, given me
Nothing but shattered dreams, shattered dreams
Feel like I could run away, run away
From this empty heart

You said you'd die for me,
Woke up to reality
And found the future not so bright

I dreamt the impossible
That maybe things could work out right
I thought it was you
Who would do me no wrong

But now you've given me, given me
Nothing but shattered dreams, shattered dreams
Feel like I could run away, run away
From this empty heart

To be fair, we've given each other shattered dreams.

And my heart, it's so far from empty -- it's full of gratitude for this love...

Best Part Of Me

My fam laughing nervously at my antics with the Buffalo

I'm not sure why, but google keeps suggesting I listen to certain songs. Did I somehow give the impression that I take requests for this blog? I dunno.

Here's today's selection:

My lungs are black, my heart is pure
My hands are scarred from nights before
And my hair is thinnin', falling out
Of all the wrong places
I am a little insecure

My eyes are crossed, but they're still blue
I bite my nails and tell the truth
I go from thin to overweight
Oh day to day it fluctuates
My skin is inked, but faded too

But she loves me, she loves me
Why the hell she love me
When she could have anyone else?
Oh you love me, you love me
Why the hell do you love me?
'Cause I don't even love myself

Baby, the best part of me is you
And lately everything's making sense too
Oh baby, I'm so in love with you

I overthink and still forgive
I lose my phone and place my bets
And I never catch the train on time
Always thirty minutes behind
Your worries ain't seen nothin' yet

But you love me, you love me
Why the hell you love me so
When you could have anyone else?
Yeah yeah, he loves me, he loves me
And I bet he never lets me go
And shows me ,how to love myself

'Cause, baby, the best part of me is you, woah
Lately everything's making sense too
Baby, I'm so in love with you
(With you)

Baby, the best part of me is you, woah
Lately everything's making sense too
Oh baby, I'm so in love with you

Baby, I'm so in love with you, yeah, yeah
Oh baby, I'm so in love with you

I'd never heard it before. It's pretty lovely, and part of it feels apropos of the situation in which my man and I find ourselves. Because one of the enemies of our harmony, though not the only one, was his sense that he wasn't deserving.

Anyway, on the subject of the best part of me, one of the reasons my kids and I are going to miss him so much is he is, in many ways, saner, more relaxed, funnier, and cooler than I am.

The photo above is a case in point -- when we were at Custer State Park, I wanted to get as close to the Buffalo as I could. I would've liked to give one a big ol' hug and kiss. I didn't, of course, because safety and wild animals and valuing my life. But I did get closer than my family, and closer than they were comfortable with...

I Don't Wanna Live Without Your Love

I think this place is called Hartman Creek? Swimming felt good

This past weekend, my man and I traveled to Medford, Wisconsin for my 30th high school reunion. That was a whole thing, which I wrote about separately from the blog -- you can check it out here.

We left home on Saturday morning and came back on Sunday night. In between, we went mountain biking a couple of times, one of which was super awesome, at Standing Rock State Park. Although we got there mid-morning, it was a nearly three hour ride and by the time we were done we were hot as hell.

So we drove around for a while and ended up at Hartman Creek State Park. It felt awesome to get in the water! And we topped it off with a Snickers ice cream cone -- what could be better?

I guess it was the fact that we shared some good times doing things we like to do together that made me hear this song in my head, in the middle of the night, not once but twice:

Thought it wouldn't matter
If we didn't stay together,
And if it was over,
Maybe it was for the better.
I was thinking I'd be alright,
'til I thought it all through.
Now I know that I ain't really living
If I have to live without you.

I don't wanna live without your love,
I don't wanna face the night alone.
I could never make it through my life
If I had to make it on my own.
I don't wanna love nobody else,
I don't wanna find somebody new.
I don't wanna live without your love,
I just wanna live my life with you.

Guess I had to go away,
So much I had to go through.
Guess I had to lose you
To realize how much I love you.
Can we make the fire burn again,
Burn a little stronger?
'Cause I've been alone, and baby,
I can't be alone now any longer.

I don't wanna live without your love,
I don't wanna face the night alone.
I could never make it through my life
If I had to make it on my own.
I don't wanna love nobody else,
I don't wanna find somebody new.
I don't wanna live without your love,
I just wanna live my life with you.

Oh, if I had to make it on my own,
My life would never be the same,
My love would never be the same.
I don't wanna live without your love.

I'm not gonna lie. There are times when I feel way.

Well kids, I do have to make it on my own, and I shall.
My life will not be the same, it will be better. More peaceful.
My love won't be the same, because it'll be matched by someone with whom I can live in harmony.
And I won't live without the New Englander's love. Not really. It will change forms, but I learned a long time ago you can't cut the golden thread of love.

Not ever...

Keep Me In Your Heart

The New Englander texted me this morning about this song making him feel emotional:

Shadows are falling and I'm running out of breath
Keep me in your heart for awhile

If I leave you it doesn't mean I love you any less
Keep me in your heart for awhile

When you get up in the morning and you see that crazy sun
Keep me in your heart for awhile

There's a train leaving nightly called when all is said and done
Keep me in your heart for awhile

Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-li-li-lo
Keep me in your heart for awhile

Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-li-li-lo
Keep me in your heart for awhile

Sometimes when you're doing simple things
around the house
Maybe you'll think of me and smile

You know I'm tied to you like the buttons on
your blouse
Keep me in your heart for awhile

Hold me in your thoughts, take me to your dreams
Touch me as I fall into view
When the winter comes keep the fires lit
And I will be right next to you

Engine driver's headed north to Pleasant Stream
Keep me in your heart for awhile

These wheels keep turning but they're running out
of steam
Keep me in your heart for awhile

Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-li-li-lo
Keep me in your heart for awhile

Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-li-li-lo
Keep me in your heart for awhile

Keep me in your heart for awhile

I get that. It's a sad one, especially facing up to this breakup.

And I will keep him in my heart, but not like I did during the last breakup. The last time, I felt convinced that he would find his way back to me, and that we would ride off into the sunset together.

One out of two ain't bad?

I know I make light of this situation at times and I know it makes some people around me uncomfortable, but I have to do what I can to get through this period where we're broken up but we still live together. It's really fucking hard. There are lots of reasons why I, we, thought it was a good idea, but that doesn't make it any easier.

So this time, I will keep him in my heart in that I will always love the human being that he is.

To do so, I will move him out of the spot in my heart that's reserved for the love of my life (whom I'm now pretty convinced I haven't yet met) and into the favorite people on the planet section.

It hurts, but I can do it. I know I can. The process has already begun...

Unknown Legend

Riding my bike after practice today, I heard this song in my head, from one of my very favorite voices:

She used to work in a diner
Never saw a woman look finer
I used to order just to watch
her float across the floor
She grew up in a small town
Never put her roots down
Daddy always kept movin',
so she did too

In particular, these next two lines are the ones that were on repeat:

Somewhere on a desert highway
She rides a Harley-Davidson
Her long blonde hair
flyin' in the wind
She's been runnin' half her life
The chrome and steel she rides
Collidin' with
the very air she breathes
The air she breathes

I'm focusing right now, as much as I can on simple things like breathing, during this in-between time that ain't easy at all:

You know it ain't easy
You got to hold on
She was an unknown legend
in her time
Now she's dressin' two kids
Lookin' for a magic kiss
She gets the far-away look
in her eyes

Lucky for me, my kids don't require dressin' anymore. They are beautiful, fully formed people with a strong sense of who they are, who they want to be, and just as important, who they don't want to be.

Meanwhile, nearly five decades into this life, I'm continuing to develop my own sense of that. I think the pull for me, coming from the family I did, to put my man first, is not to be underestimated. As one of my yoga teachers said: "I don't think you knew there was another option."

Indeed I didn't, but I do now. Now I choose to value my own peace of mind and heart over any man's, including one I love dearly.

And I choose to do what makes me happy -- riding my bike, going to yoga, and listening to Neil in my head:

Somewhere on a desert highway
She rides a Harley-Davidson
Her long blonde hair
flyin' in the wind
She's been runnin' half her life
The chrome and steel she rides
Collidin' with the very
air she breathes
The air she breathes

Love is a Rose

I think we might've picked the rose. Sorry Neil!

Ok so going through old emails, sometimes romantic, sometimes sexy, sometimes funny, sometimes poignant emails, from an ex-boyfriend is a tricky business, however productive it may be in terms of book writing.

Especially when I come across snippets like this one from the New Englander from October of 2010:

"The quality of our dialogue gives me a lot of faith in us in every respect. I have so much respect for your ability to see yourself clearly and to tackle your challenges and to be willing to remain open even when there's potential for getting hurt."

Whatevs buddy. The quality of our dialogue, and it is some damn fine quality dialogue, got us nowhere in the end.

Maybe we forgot to pay attention to Neil's advice -- this song was one of many that we emailed to each other during that first year spent together but apart:

Love is a rose
but you better not pick it
It only grows when it's on the vine.
A handful of thorns and
you'll know you've missed it
You lose your love
when you say the word "mine".

I wanna see what's never been seen,
I wanna live that age old dream.
Come on, lads, we can go together
Let's take the best right now,
Take the best right now.

I wanna go to an old hoe-down
Long ago in a western town.
Pick me up cause my feet are draggin'
Give me a lift and I'll hay your wagon.

Love is a rose
but you better not pick it
It only grows when it's on the vine.
A handful of thorns and
you'll know you've missed it
You lose your love
when you say the word "mine".
Mine, mine.

Yeah, we mighta said mine one too many times. Guess we just didn't really understand that:

Love is a rose, love is a rose.
Love is a rose, love is a rose.

It must be some kind of cruel irony that it wasn't that long after we were geographically together that we started to grow apart emotionally, making me nostalgic for the version of together and apart that we had going in the first place...

Almost Lover

Heard this beautiful song today:

Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images

You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick

I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images

And when you left you kissed my lips
You told me you'd never ever forget these images, no

I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

And I have to admit I felt a little of "enough with the songs about the pain of breakups" -- but there's a reason there are so many songs about it. So much material there. Takes such a long time to sort it all out. I'm just now at the point where I can revisit the writing that I did after the New Englander left more than two years ago now. It's really, really raw, as I was for a long time:

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So now you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine

I feel grateful to be at the point now where I can do most things that were too painful to do without him when he left, at least the things that are possible to do alone.

That other stuff -- he was, after all, my all the way lover (and almost husband) -- that just isn't something I've been able to recreate on my own and I've yet to find someone suitable to take his place...

Toy Soldiers

I love it when the internal jukebox pulls out a blast from the past, as it did this morning when I was just waking up:

Step by step

Heart to heart

Left, right, left

We all fall down

Like toy soldiers

It wasn't my intention to mislead you

It never should have been this way

What can I say

It's true, I did extend the invitation

I never knew how long you'd stay

When you hear temptation call

It's your heart that takes, takes the fall

Won't you come out and play with me

It was the chorus that I heard in my head:

Step by step

Heart to heart

Left, right, left

We all fall down

Like toy soldiers

Bit by bit

Torn apart

We never win

But the battle wages on

For toy soldiers

It's getting hard to wake up in the morning

My head is spinning constantly

How can it be?

How could I be so blind to this addiction?

If I don't stop, the next one's gonna be me

I hate to be dark, I really do, and I promise I'm trying not to be, but it's this verse that feels most fitting to me today:

Only emptiness remains

It replaces all, all the pain

Won't you come out and play with me

My world just plain loses its luster without my favorite playmate. I'm left feeling that yes, I can live without him. I'm capable of it. Which is good to know, I guess. The thing is, I don't want to, but unfortunately, what I want isn't carrying the day at the moment:

We never win

Only emptiness remains

It replaces all, all the pain

Won't you come out and play with me

Step by step

Heart to heart

Left, right, left

We all fall down

Like toy soldiers

Bit by bit

Torn apart

We never win

But the battle wages on

For toy soldiers

Do I Wanna Know?

I heard this song for the first time yesterday in the car:

Have you got color in your cheeks?
Do you ever get that fear that you can't shift
The type that sticks around like something in your teeth?
Are there some aces up your sleeve?
Have you no idea that you're in deep?
I dreamt about you nearly every night this week
How many secrets can you keep?
'Cause there's this tune I found that makes me think of you somehow and I play it on repeat
Until I fall asleep
Spilling drinks on my settee

And it was just one of those songs I loved the first time I heard it -- the British sound, the oh-so-relatable lyrics:

(Do I wanna know)
If this feeling flows both ways?
(Sad to see you go)
Was sort of hoping that you'd stay
(Baby we both know)
That the nights were mainly made for saying things that you can't say tomorrow day

Crawling back to you

Ever thought of calling when you've had a few?
'Cause I always do
Maybe I'm too busy being yours to fall for somebody new
Now I've thought it through

I wonder about that concept in the second to last line of the last verse. I really do. I'm finding it tricky to find the sweet spot between not resisting my love for the New Englander and not being mired in it:

Crawling back to you

I really love the next two lines -- and part of me wonders that about both of us:

So have you got the guts?
Been wondering if your heart's still open and if so I wanna know what time it shuts
Simmer down and pucker up
I'm sorry to interrupt. It's just I'm constantly on the cusp of trying to kiss you
I don't know if you feel the same as I do
But we could be together if you wanted to

Actually, I don't wonder if I have the guts. 'Cause I know I do. I do wonder if he does. I sure thought he did. But I'm with the Arctic Monkeys: We could be together if he wanted to. But I need to remember that he doesn't want to, not badly enough, anyway. And while it is hard for me to understand and/or believe that, when I look at the evidence, it's pretty dang clear...

You've Got The Love

I've been relying a lot on guided meditations to get me through these tough past few weeks. Sometimes (but unfortunately not always) it really seems to have the effect of softening me. Lately I've been particularly fond of Jack Kornfield's mind like sky meditation, which has a lovely part at the end that really comforts me:

And now before you open your eyes, let this vast space of awareness be filled with the spirit of compassion for all those who get caught, for all those who forget the vast and free space of mind that is their own true nature. Forgetting, they get caught and entangled and create the sorrows of the world. Let this great, open mind of awareness be filled with compassion for all beings that forget their true nature. And bless them, that they too may remember who they really are.

This comforts me to repeat because it feels to me that this is what happened to my New Englander. Through his love for me and mine for him, he got in touch with his own true nature, which is so beautiful and vast and hopeful and open and glorious, and spending the time I did with him in it was right up there with having my babies in terms of the greatest miracles of my life. But he couldn't stay there. He got caught. He forgot. He became entangled, and in doing so he created a lot of sorrow for us both. But he didn't do it out of malice, or because he made a decision that he didn't really love me, or really for any conscious reason. He did it because it's what he knows. He didn't know what else to do. He couldn't lean into our love, and I had my own fears, which at times exacerbated the situation.

Now I realize guided meditations aren't exactly like the Lord that the foxy Florence is singing about here, but I use them, I reckon, in a similar way:

Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air
I know I can count on you
Sometimes I feel like saying, "Lord, I just don't care."
But you've got the love I need To see me through

Time after time I think, "Oh, Lord, what's the use?"
Time after time I think it's just no good
'Cause sooner or later in life, the things you love you lose
But you got the love I need to see me through

Meditating allows for space around the pain of losing my love, and it reminds me that:

You got the love
You got the love
You got the love
You got the love
You got the love
You got the love

Yes I do. I've got the love I need to see me through. It may not be the love I want in the physical form, at least not for today, but I've got the love I need...

Human

I love this happy couple!

Yesterday I went to the wedding of some dear friends of mine. It was an outdoor ceremony, in which the groom's 4-year old son was an integral part, and it was super sweet.

Normally I cry at weddings, but at this one I didn't. I don't know if it was the presence of a little kid, or the fact that I was with coworkers rather than loved ones, but no tears.

Although I was super glad to witness the union of two people I care about, it wasn't exactly easy. Being there alone, rather than in a couple. And being there knowing that my dreams of marrying the man from New England were all but dead wasn't easy either.

From the moment I woke up yesterday, I was dealing with anger about those dreams dying. I had a dream in which I was so angry I was looking for something to break that wouldn't make too big of a mess. Strange, I know. You'd think in a dream I could smash whatever I wanted, but I was pretty careful. Afterward, (but still in the dream), I was trying to calm down, and I started walking down a path when I ran into my 11-year old daughter, who took one look at me and cursed, as if she knew exactly what I was upset about and thought it sucked too. I went to scold her for it, but then stopped myself. Seemed pretty appropriate to be feeling that way about it.

The reception turned out to be fun, but at one point I found myself passing judgement on a guy who lived with a woman for 5 years and then recently started dating someone whom he already wants to marry. He took it in good humor, but today when I was riding my bike I realized that I had projected my anger and sadness about my own relationship ending rather than resulting in marriage onto him, so I decided to send him an email and apologize for my behavior.

My bike ride didn't turn out as planned, either. I'd hoped to revisit some single track along the river that I rode a couple of summers ago with my now departed (from my life anyway) mountain biking pal, but I couldn't find it, so I ended up riding along a different section of the river on a wider gravel trail. It was still in the woods, and I got to see a great blue heron take off, so it wasn't a total loss. But it did get me in touch with the tears that hadn't flowed at the wedding. "I don't know where I'm going without my mountain biking pal," I sobbed. "On my mountain bike or in my life." Which sounds a little melodramatic, but it also happens to be true. And although it feels uncertain and scary, it also feels pregnant with possibility, and I haven't been carrying that baby for quite some time now.

I decided to jump in the car after my ride and head back to Madison in time to make it to Alanon, and I'm sure glad I did. I suggested the topic of letting go, and I got all kinds of good advice from the folks around the table. One guy said "pound the gratitude" which I thought was pretty darn cute, and an old man said to me on his way out: "We all want our way, Sarah, we just don't always get it."

Nope, we don't. But it's only human for us to want our way. Just ask Christina Perri:

(But) I'm only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I'm only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
'Cause I'm only human

I can hold my breath
I can bite my tongue
I can stay awake for days
If that's what you want
Be your number one

I can fake a smile
I can force a laugh
I can dance and play the part
If that's what you ask
Give you all I am

Another piece of advice I got at the meeting was to act as if. Act as if I'm over him. Act as if I'm letting go. And it makes sense. Because if I'm acting as if I'm over him, I'm not still sending him emails, which I did as recently as three days ago. "Forgiveness isn't necessarily forgetting, it's letting go of the hurt," another man said. Yes. I need to work on forgiveness. I need to work on letting go of the hurt.

And:

I can do it
I can do it
I can do it

I know I can. I just need to give myself time and space to work through it, and remember that:

(But) I'm only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I'm only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
'Cause I'm only human

I can do it
I can do it
I'll get through it

Yes I will...

You Give Good Love

Either my internal jukebox is a masochist or, if I dig deep enough, I can find something uplifting about the song that came into my head and demanded to be sung tonight:

I found out what I've been missing
Always on the run
I've been looking for someone

Now you're here like you've been before
And you know just what I need
It took some time for me to see
That you give good love to me baby
So good, take this heart mine into your hands
You give good love to me
Never too much
Baby you give good love

It's hard for a literal girl like me not to hear the lines "now you're here like you've been before and you know just what I need" and think about my ex coming back and being everything I thought he was, everything I dreamed he could be. But maybe the message is more about oneness. Maybe the man who is about to give me good love has learned his lessons about love. Maybe, just maybe, he knows just what I need because it's what he needs too, massively simplifying what was a very difficult process of discernment and bewilderment with the man from the East who didn't really know what he needed.

Never stopping, I was always searching
For that perfect love
The kind that girls like me dream of

I didn't feel like I was searching for it when I found it, but that's because I didn't know what I was looking for. But now I do, or at least, I have a much better idea than I did before my last relationship:

Now you're here like you've been before
And you know just what I need
It took some time for me to see
That you give good love to me baby
So good, take this heart of mine into your hands
You give good love to me
Never too much
Baby you give good love

Yes, please, take this heart of mine into your hands, Universe. Only this time, bring me a man to love who can not only love me right back but who will revel in the force of that love rather than run from it...

Don't Carry It All

I crawled in bed tonight at 9:30pm, excited to get to bed early after rising at 4:30am to go to practice. Alas, I didn't fall asleep as quickly as I hoped. When I'd been lying in bed for about 20 minutes trying to fall asleep, my ipod alarm clock spontaneously came on, as if to say: "Wait. Don't go to bed yet. You haven't written your blog. Here's a song to mark your day:"

Don't carry it all
Don't carry it all
Don't carry it all
Don't carry it --

Wake up like giants, so tall
With open eyes like Judas and Paul
And John

After all you done
Don't carry it all

Don't carry it all
Don't carry it all
Don't carry it all

I like it. Not the fact that the ipod's bright light shone and it started to play this song when I wanted to be asleep, mind you, but I like the message. I do tend to carry a lot. Probably more than is healthy. I was talking to a friend the other night about my breakup and she said something very telling. She said: "You tried to have this relationship for both of you and now you're trying to have the breakup for both of you."

Harsh? Nah. Honest. And I needed to hear it.

As I work toward putting down this relationship -- its successes and its failures -- sometimes it can be hard to be gentle with myself. Why did I tolerate something that so many others saw the fatal flaw -- my ex's lack of presence much of the time -- long before I was willing to acknowledge it? I can answer that. Because I was merely repeating a pattern I learned in childhood (since both my mother and my father are like that), and so: 1) I thought maybe it was enough, 2) I thought maybe it would change, and 3) I thought I could be the one to help change it. Alas: 1) It wasn't, 2) It didn't, 3) I couldn't.

Don't carry it all

Don't carry it all
Don't carry it all
Don't carry it all

Thanks for the reminder, Low. But as someone who carried secrets for the first 35 years of her life, carrying it all is what comes naturally to me. Putting it down I have to work at.

But I do work at it. Every day. There is a moment at the tail end of my yoga practice -- when I do the closing chant -- where I always feel the possibility of the perfect peace of sheer being. Without all the attachments. Without all the cravings. Without all the anger, worry or frustration. It comes when I repeat the words: Om Shanti Shanti Shantihi, which means peace peace perfect peace. I glimpse that perfect peace every day. And it's enough to get me out of bed the next morning to practice, even when I don't get to bed as early as I'd like sometimes...

Lost Cause

My kids were at their Dad's for a week after we got home from Maine. They got back to my house yesterday, just in time to get ready for the first day of school. About an hour after they returned, I found my daughter in her room, sitting at her desk, writing a letter to our friend in New England. It just about broke my heart. I tried to talk to her about it -- asked if she missed him -- but she said no. She said she was just writing because she told him she would. My daughter doesn't wear her heart on her sleeve quite like her Mama, so maybe that's why she didn't admit to missing him. Or it could be because she was worried it would upset me. I don't know. I do know that when we were eating dinner at Pasqual's tonight, he came up in conversation, and she said, almost under her breath: "I don't get it. If you love each other you should be together."

I didn't say anything in response (other than "I know, honey") because I didn't trust myself, in this moment, to say anything useful to her. I will return to the topic with her when I feel like I can impart something of value, because I want my kids to learn that it is possible to love someone so hugely you can't stand the thought of living your life without them and then have to do just that. I didn't know that was possible before I met him, and had I known that, maybe, just maybe, I wouldn't have spent quite so many years in a relationship that was alternately wildly satisfying and wildly unsatisfying.

Then again, I reckon there's a reason for that too -- a reason why that felt perfectly natural. At therapy this morning, my therapist drew a parallel between the kind of love my parents offered me -- inconsistent, often neglecting my best interests, saying one thing and doing another -- and the love offered by my last boyfriend.

Part of the problem was that I always saw the best parts of him, even when not seeing the damaged parts meant accepting behavior that wasn't acceptable to me. I always saw who he was on the inside -- which was pure goodness and love -- often failing to really take in what his actions that were not in line with those qualities meant for me or for our relationship. I always hated it when people said I could do better, because I knew he was just as good as everyone else, but it turns out, he didn't know that. And without the ability to feel worthy of continuously giving and receiving love, we were ultimately doomed, because I have that ability -- I've worked so hard to get it -- and I want to be with someone who can be right there with me.

And while I will never stop believing he is capable of dealing with his past trauma, of conquering his nearly lifelong habit of numbing by using various substances, and of claiming love and belonging as his birthright, he hasn't gotten serious about doing any of that. So at the moment it feels more like this Beck song speaks the truth as it stands today. Not that he can't change, because he can, I believe he can. But he hasn't. And if facing up to walking away from a love like ours doesn't do the trick, it's hard to believe anything else will, either:

Your sorry eyes cut through the bone
They make it hard to leave you alone
Leave you here wearing your wounds
Waving your guns at somebody new

Baby you're lost
Baby you're lost
Baby you're a lost cause

There's too many people you used to know
They see you coming they see you go
They know your secrets and you know theirs
This town is crazy; nobody cares

Baby you're lost
Baby you're lost
Baby you're a lost cause

I'm tired of fighting
I'm tired of fighting
Fighting for a lost cause

There's a place where you are going
You ain't never been before
No one left to watch your back now
No one standing at your door
That's what you thought love was for

Baby you're lost
Baby you're lost
Baby you're a lost cause

I'm tired of fighting
I'm tired of fighting
Fighting for a lost cause

I am, in fact, tired of fighting for a lost cause. I didn't believe -- didn't want to believe -- that we were a lost cause. But when I look at the evidence in front of me, I don't know what else you'd call it...