Thunder Road

Enjoying the gorgeous Lake Michigan shoreline

My man (for a little bit longer) and I had the pleasure of going to Chicago this weekend to spend time with my cousin and his husband.

It's the good life with these guys -- snuggly puppies, good food, good company, beautiful city -- and this time, we even got to take in a great flick.

Blinded by the Light is my favorite movie I've seen in a long time. I wanted to watch it again as soon as it finished. I loved getting to see it with my cousin, too, the person in my family to whom I feel closest.

Doesn't hurt that it features the music of the brilliant, beautiful Bruce Springsteen.

Here's one of many numbers from the film, which was on repeat after the movie for several days:

The screen door slams, Mary's dress waves
Like a vision she dances across the porch as the radio plays
Roy Orbison singing for the lonely
Hey, that's me, and I want you only
Don't turn me home again
I just can't face myself alone again
Don't run back inside
Darling, you know just what I'm here for
So you're scared and you're thinking
That maybe we ain't that young anymore
Show a little faith, there's magic in the night
You ain't a beauty, but, hey, you're alright
Oh, and that's alright with me

You can hide 'neath your covers and study your pain
Make crosses from your lovers, throw roses in the rain
Waste your summer praying in vain
For a saviour to rise from these streets
Well now I'm no hero that's understood
All the redemption I can offer, girl, is beneath this dirty hood
With a chance to make it good somehow
Hey what else can we do now?
Except roll down the window and let the wind blow back your hair
Well the night's busting open
These two lanes will take us anywhere
We got one last chance to make it real
To trade in these wings on some wheels
Climb in back, heaven's waiting down on the tracks
Oh-oh come take my hand
We're riding out tonight to case the promised land
Oh-oh Thunder Road oh Thunder Road oh Thunder Road
Lying out there like a killer in the sun
Hey, I know it's late, we can make it if we run
Oh, Thunder Road, sit tight, take hold
Thunder Road

Well I got this guitar, and I learned how to make it talk
And my car's out back if you're ready to take that long walk
From your front porch to my front seat
The door's open but the ride it ain't free
And I know you're lonely for words that I ain't spoken
But tonight we'll be free, all the promises'll be broken
There were ghosts in the eyes of all the boys you sent away
They haunt this dusty beach road in the skeleton frames of burned out Chevrolets

They scream your name at night in the street
Your graduation gown lies in rags at their feet
And in the lonely cool before dawn
You hear their engines roaring on
But when you get to the porch they're gone
On the wind, so Mary, climb in
It's a town full of losers
And I'm pulling out of here to win

Love this song, love this movie, love this city, love this life...

I Don't Wanna Live Without Your Love

I think this place is called Hartman Creek? Swimming felt good

This past weekend, my man and I traveled to Medford, Wisconsin for my 30th high school reunion. That was a whole thing, which I wrote about separately from the blog -- you can check it out here.

We left home on Saturday morning and came back on Sunday night. In between, we went mountain biking a couple of times, one of which was super awesome, at Standing Rock State Park. Although we got there mid-morning, it was a nearly three hour ride and by the time we were done we were hot as hell.

So we drove around for a while and ended up at Hartman Creek State Park. It felt awesome to get in the water! And we topped it off with a Snickers ice cream cone -- what could be better?

I guess it was the fact that we shared some good times doing things we like to do together that made me hear this song in my head, in the middle of the night, not once but twice:

Thought it wouldn't matter
If we didn't stay together,
And if it was over,
Maybe it was for the better.
I was thinking I'd be alright,
'til I thought it all through.
Now I know that I ain't really living
If I have to live without you.

I don't wanna live without your love,
I don't wanna face the night alone.
I could never make it through my life
If I had to make it on my own.
I don't wanna love nobody else,
I don't wanna find somebody new.
I don't wanna live without your love,
I just wanna live my life with you.

Guess I had to go away,
So much I had to go through.
Guess I had to lose you
To realize how much I love you.
Can we make the fire burn again,
Burn a little stronger?
'Cause I've been alone, and baby,
I can't be alone now any longer.

I don't wanna live without your love,
I don't wanna face the night alone.
I could never make it through my life
If I had to make it on my own.
I don't wanna love nobody else,
I don't wanna find somebody new.
I don't wanna live without your love,
I just wanna live my life with you.

Oh, if I had to make it on my own,
My life would never be the same,
My love would never be the same.
I don't wanna live without your love.

I'm not gonna lie. There are times when I feel way.

Well kids, I do have to make it on my own, and I shall.
My life will not be the same, it will be better. More peaceful.
My love won't be the same, because it'll be matched by someone with whom I can live in harmony.
And I won't live without the New Englander's love. Not really. It will change forms, but I learned a long time ago you can't cut the golden thread of love.

Not ever...

I Don't Wanna Live Without Your Love

I was walking around downtown on this beautiful Fall afternoon when these lines starting playing in my head:

I don't wanna love nobody else,
I don't wanna find somebody new...

And then immediately I said out loud: "Yes I do."

I do wanna find somebody new.

Chicago, I love you, I grew up with you, but I gotta part ways with you here on this classic song o' yours:

Guess I had to go away,
So much I had to go through.
Guess I had to lose you
To realize how much I love you.
Can we make the fire burn again,
Burn a little stronger?
'Cause I've been alone, and baby,
I can't be alone now any longer.

I don't wanna live without your love,
I don't wanna face the night alone.
I could never make it through my life
If I had to make it on my own.
I don't wanna love nobody else,
I don't wanna find somebody new.
I don't wanna live without your love,
I just wanna live my life with you.

Oh, if I had to make it on my own,
My life would never be the same,
My love would never be the same.
I don't wanna live without your love.

I don't wanna live without your love,
I don't wanna face the night alone.
I could never make it through my life
If I had to make it on my own.
I don't wanna love nobody else,
I don't wanna find somebody new-

Oh yes I do!

Will You Still Love Me?

I've had the refrain to this song stuck in my head for days:

'Cause I can't go on
No, I can't go on
I can't go on
If I'm on my own

It's an old fave, but I'm not gonna lie, at the moment it feels kinda depressing. I often get this nagging feeling when I travel, like why am I living my life without a partner, again?

My mother used to say "Ours is not the question why." Maybe not. But then I hear songs like this, and I feel like I understand less now than I did when this song came out back in 1986:

Take me as I am
Put your hand in mine now and forever
Darling here I stand, stand before you now
Deep inside I always knew
It was you, you and me
Two hearts drawn together bound by destiny
It was you and you for me
Every road leads to your door
Every step I take forever more

Just say you'll love me for the rest of your life
I gotta lot of love and I don't want to let go
Will you still love me for the rest of my life?
'Cause I can't go on
No, I can't go on
I can't go on
If I'm on my own

And the truth is, let's face it, I can go on if I'm on my own. I'm kinda sick of it, but I can do it.

I just can't help wondering if there's a happier ending out there for me than a love lost:

Do you believe a love could run so strong?
Do you believe a love could pass you by?
There was no special one for me
I was the lonely one, you see
But then my heart lost all control
Now you're all that I know

Maybe. For right now. But I want to know more. I am open to knowing more...

Show Me Love

One of the first men to ever show me love

This weekend I had the distinct pleasure of spending time in the Windy City with my cousin, one of my favorite people in this world but someone I haven't spent real quality time with in, I don't know, 15 years, maybe? Wow.

He and his husband invited me to hang with them at their amazing condo, and the weekend was filled with so many amazing things including:

1) Catching up with one of the most significant people in my childhood -- someone with whom I shared emotional intimacy before I even knew what that meant;

2) Spending time with some really cute pooches (including the one pictured here);

Lucy the French Bulldog definitely showed me some love!

3) A beautiful bike ride along the lakeshore;

4) The most incredible dinners out I've enjoyed in, hmmm, about 10 years, not to mention the incredible cocktails;

5) Getting to know my cousin's husband who is an amazing human being and super fun to hang out with;

6) And last but not least, some music! My cousin and I were way into Madonna as kids, but he introduced me to this woman and this song during the visit and it seemed to capture it best:

Yeah, yeah, yeah

Always been told that I've got too much to write
Too independent to have you by my side
Then my heart said, all of you will see
Just won't live for someone until he lives for me
Never thought I would find love so sweet
Never thought I would meet someone like you
Well now I've found you and I tell you no lie
This love I've got for you
Could take me 'round the world
Now show me love

Show me love, show me life
Baby show me what it's all about
You're the one that I ever needed
Show me love and what it's all about, alright

Don't waste this love I wanna give to you
Tell me what you got, show me what you can do
Show me love, show me everything
I know you've got potential
So baby let me in and show me love

Show me love, show me life (alright)
Baby show me what it's all about
You're the only one that I ever needed (show me love)
Show me love and what it's all about, alright

They showed me love alright. From wining and dining me to charging my cell phone, these two reminded me that there are things I want from my next partner that I didn't have in the last one. I am grateful for both the shift in perspective and the full heart with which I'll leave Chicago tomorrow...

Hard Habit to Break

I drove across town this morning to go to the sports chiro for a pre-race tune-up, and it was move-into-the-dorms day on campus. I can remember the feeling I had when my parents left me alone in my dorm room like it was yesterday -- though it was nearly 25 years ago now.

While flooded with memories of that uncomfortable alone-and-starting-a-new-phase feeling, I realized that things are kinda like that for me now, too, just as this classic from my youth came on the radio:

I guess I thought you'd be here forever
Another illusion I chose to create
You don't know what ya got until it's gone
And I found out a little too late

I remember, back in the day, singing this song as if I knew what it felt like to have someone and then lose them, even though I didn't. Not really.

Fast forward to now, having had and lost the real deal, I have this to say in response to the first verse:

1) I did think he'd be here forever. Felt it too.

2) Looking back on it all now, it seems it was another illusion I chose to create. What a delicious illusion it was, too, until it became impossible to maintain.

3) I knew what I had long before it was gone -- hell, I knew what I had before it had even really gotten started.

4) What I found out or when proved completely immaterial in the end.

But I'm not gonna take issue with the chorus, because I'm right there with them on that front:

Now being without you
Takes a lot of getting used to
Should learn to live with it
But I don't want to
Being without you
Is all a big mistake
Instead of getting easier
It's the hardest thing to take
I'm addicted to ya babe
You're a hard habit to break

If You Leave Me Now

Ok, so judging by my internal jukebox, sometimes I'm super strong and sometimes I'm just a sap from the 70s, because this is what I seem to be playing today:

If you leave me now you'll take away the biggest part of me

Ooh ooh ooh no baby please don't go

And if you leave me now you'll take away the very heart of me

Ooh ooh ooh no baby please don't go

Ooh ooh ooh girl I just want you to stay

A love like ours is love that's hard to find

How could we let it slip away?

We've come too far to leave it all behind

How could we end it all this way?

When tomorrow comes then we'll both regret the things we said today

If you leave me now you'll take away the biggest part of me

Ooh ooh ooh no baby please don't go

Ooh girl, just got to have you by my side

Ooh no baby, please don't go

Oh Mama, I just got to have your lovin', yeah

Change a couple of the lyrics -- from girl to guy and Mama to Daddy -- and that's what I'm talkin' about, you super cool dudes with feathered hair from my childhood!

Ok, one more change. I feel like part of what I'm doing right now is trying to be ok with what is. Accept, rather than resist what is happening or not happening.

And although the possibility of losing my boyfriend to his potential migration back East is heartbreaking and terrifying, I can rest assured that it wouldn't involve losing the very heart of me or the biggest part of me. If I didn't know that, deep down, I wouldn't be able to love him with such a fierce abandon in the first place...

Hard to Say I'm Sorry

I was just remarking yesterday that I've now blogged enough songs that I sometimes can't remember which I've used and which I haven't, and today when I was checking to see if I'd already used this song I was surprised to see that I haven't used any Chicago songs at all yet. Man, I used to love this band.

It's true, that was a long time ago, but hearing this song this morning was like turning on a faucet -- as I started to sing, I started to cry. Why, exactly? A couple reasons, I reckon...

1) I sure can relate to this verse:

Everybody needs a little time away
I've heard her say
From each other

Even lovers need a holiday
Far away from each other

And I've needed a fair amount of time away as I've tried to navigate my current love relationship. Or should I say I've taken a fair amount of time away? Although it often feels like the simplest way to handle difficulty in wading through this post-divorce love affair, I'm starting to feel like it's mostly counterproductive, and maybe even a little damaging to both the one I love and the love I'm trying to cultivate. Which leads me to my feelings of regret about that, eloquently expressed in this verse:

Hold me now
It's hard for me to say I'm sorry
I just want you to stay
And after all that you've been through
I will make it up to you
I promise you, baby

And after all thats been said and done
You're just the part of me I can't let go

Couldn't stand to be kept away
Not for a day
From your body
Wouldn't want to be swept away
Far away from the one that I love

Hold me now
It's hard for me to say I'm sorry
I just want you to know
Hold me now
I really want to tell you I'm sorry
I could never let you go

2) I think the second reason is related to being confronted once again with something that I know is a good thing overall but can also be pretty messy, especially where the kids are concerned, and that is the fact that my babydaddy and I just weren't the parts of each other we couldn't let go. We thought we were, and we tried to be, but ultimately, we just weren't.

Nope:

And after all that's been said and done
You're just a part of me I can't let go

Let go I did. And I know we're all going to get to a place where on balance, that's a good thing. We might even be there now...