The River

Panorama of the Mississippi River as seen from my friend's Dad's boat

When I told my friend about my breakup, she decided that a trip to Iowa and a stay at her parent's home on the Mississippi River would be just what the Dr. ordered. I had a whole week (and a day) off of work, so I figured I might as well spend some of it on a little getaway.

It did feel good to get away. To swim in the river. To be among good people. To sleep. To write.

And of course, to listen to the boss:

I come from down in the valley
Where, mister, when you're young
They bring you up to do like your daddy done
Me and Mary we met in high school
When she was just seventeen
We'd ride out of this valley down to where the fields were green

We'd go down to the river
And into the river we'd dive
Oh, down to the river we'd ride

Then I got Mary pregnant
And man, that was all she wrote
And for my nineteenth birthday I got a union card and a wedding coat

Me at the helm

We went down to the courthouse
And the judge put it all to rest
No wedding day smiles, no walk down the aisle
No flowers, no wedding dress

That night we went down to the river
And into the river we'd dive
Oh, down to the river we did ride
Ah-yah

I got a job working construction for the Johnstown Company
But lately there ain't been much work on account of the economy
Now all them things that seemed so important
Well, mister, they vanished right into the air
Now I just act like I don't remember
Mary acts like she don't care

But I remember us riding in my brother's car
Her body tan and wet down at the reservoir
At night on them banks I'd lie awake
And pull her close just to feel each breath she'd take
Now those memories come back to haunt me
They haunt me like a curse
Is a dream a lie if it don't come true
Or is it something worse

That sends me down to the river
Though I know the river is dry
That sends me down to the river tonight
Ah-yah-yah
Down to the river
My baby and I
Oh, down to the river we ride
Ah-yah-ay

Ooh, ooh
Ooh, ooh
Ooh
Ooh, ooh
Ooh

There were moments on the trip where I'd go back to my room and burst into tears. There were was a moment when I got home when the same thing happened.

It's all good. Not easy, but part of the grieving process...

Back Streets

My forever friend (I hope) leaves for NH

It was a day, in some ways, like many others. I made avocado toast. We sat outside on the back patio and ate it.

As this song wafted through the speakers, the New Englander explained how it had affected him when he was a youngster:

One soft infested summer
Me and Terry became friends
Trying in vain to breathe
The fire we was born in
Catching rides to the outskirts
Tying faith between our teeth
Sleeping in that old abandoned beach house
Getting wasted in the heat
And hiding on the backstreets
Hiding on the backstreets
With a love so hard and filled with defeat
Running for our lives at night on them backstreets

Slow dancing in the dark
On the beach at Stockton's Wing
Where desperate lovers park
We sat with the last of the Duke Street Kings
Huddled in our cars
Waiting for the bells that ring
In the deep heart of the night
We let loose of everything
To go running on the backstreets
Running on the backstreets
Terry you swore we'd live forever
Taking it on them backstreets together

Endless juke joints and Valentino drag
Where dancers scraped the tears
Up off the streets dressed down in rags
Running into the darkness
Some hurt bad some really dying
At night sometimes it seemed
You could hear the whole damn city crying
Blame it on the lies that killed us
Blame it on the truth that ran us down
You can blame it all on me Terry
It don't matter to me now
When the breakdown hit at midnight
There was nothing left to say
But I hated him
And I hated you when you went away

Now laying here in the dark
You're like an angel on my chest
Just another tramp of hearts
Crying tears of faithlessness
Remember all the movies, Terry
We'd go see
Trying to learn how to walk like the heroes
We thought we had to be
Well after all this time
To find we're just like all the rest
Stranded in the park
And forced to confess
To hiding on the backstreets
Hiding on the backstreets

Except it wasn't a day like many others. It was only kind of like one other day, June 26, 2013, when he moved back to NH the first time. And it wasn't even that much like that.

The feeling was really different this time. The feeling was saying goodbye to the two of us as lovers, to bowing in gratitude for what this time spent together in that way had done for us, and of moving on to a new phase.

We're not sure exactly how it'll work, but we're going to do our best to remember this day...

Where we swore forever friends
On the backstreets until the end

💕

Thunder Road

Enjoying the gorgeous Lake Michigan shoreline

My man (for a little bit longer) and I had the pleasure of going to Chicago this weekend to spend time with my cousin and his husband.

It's the good life with these guys -- snuggly puppies, good food, good company, beautiful city -- and this time, we even got to take in a great flick.

Blinded by the Light is my favorite movie I've seen in a long time. I wanted to watch it again as soon as it finished. I loved getting to see it with my cousin, too, the person in my family to whom I feel closest.

Doesn't hurt that it features the music of the brilliant, beautiful Bruce Springsteen.

Here's one of many numbers from the film, which was on repeat after the movie for several days:

The screen door slams, Mary's dress waves
Like a vision she dances across the porch as the radio plays
Roy Orbison singing for the lonely
Hey, that's me, and I want you only
Don't turn me home again
I just can't face myself alone again
Don't run back inside
Darling, you know just what I'm here for
So you're scared and you're thinking
That maybe we ain't that young anymore
Show a little faith, there's magic in the night
You ain't a beauty, but, hey, you're alright
Oh, and that's alright with me

You can hide 'neath your covers and study your pain
Make crosses from your lovers, throw roses in the rain
Waste your summer praying in vain
For a saviour to rise from these streets
Well now I'm no hero that's understood
All the redemption I can offer, girl, is beneath this dirty hood
With a chance to make it good somehow
Hey what else can we do now?
Except roll down the window and let the wind blow back your hair
Well the night's busting open
These two lanes will take us anywhere
We got one last chance to make it real
To trade in these wings on some wheels
Climb in back, heaven's waiting down on the tracks
Oh-oh come take my hand
We're riding out tonight to case the promised land
Oh-oh Thunder Road oh Thunder Road oh Thunder Road
Lying out there like a killer in the sun
Hey, I know it's late, we can make it if we run
Oh, Thunder Road, sit tight, take hold
Thunder Road

Well I got this guitar, and I learned how to make it talk
And my car's out back if you're ready to take that long walk
From your front porch to my front seat
The door's open but the ride it ain't free
And I know you're lonely for words that I ain't spoken
But tonight we'll be free, all the promises'll be broken
There were ghosts in the eyes of all the boys you sent away
They haunt this dusty beach road in the skeleton frames of burned out Chevrolets

They scream your name at night in the street
Your graduation gown lies in rags at their feet
And in the lonely cool before dawn
You hear their engines roaring on
But when you get to the porch they're gone
On the wind, so Mary, climb in
It's a town full of losers
And I'm pulling out of here to win

Love this song, love this movie, love this city, love this life...

For You

Mirror Lake: It is indeed a mirror, and a beautiful one at that!

I needed a weekend so bad by Friday afternoon this week!

After a week of being up in the middle of the night working, I decided to officially unplug this weekend and spend time with my man.

We started, last night, with what we thought was going to be a hike at Devil's Lake. It seems I was so caught up in the conversation, however, that I missed the turn for the state park and Baraboo altogether.

We ended up at Mirror Lake - and it did not disappoint. What a mirror it was!

After our hike, we had a delicious dinner at Little Village Cafe, and heard this beauty on the way home:

Princess cards she sends me with her regards
Barroom eyes shine vacancy, to see her you gotta look hard
Wounded deep in battle, I stand stuffed like some soldier undaunted
To her Cheshire smile, I'll stand on file, she's all I ever wanted
But you let your blue walls get in the way of these facts
Honey, get your carpetbaggers off my back
You wouldn't even give me time to cover my tracks
You said, "Here's your mirror and your ball and jacks"
But they're not what I came for, and I'm sure you see that too

I came for you, for you, I came for you
But you did not need my urgency
I came for you, for you, I came for you
But your life was one long emergency
And your cloud line urges me
And my electric surges free

Crawl into my ambulance, your pulse is getting weak
Reveal yourself all now to me, girl, while you've got the strength to speak
'Cause they're waiting for you at Bellevue with their oxygen masks
But I could give it all to you now, if only you could ask
And don't call for your surgeon, even he says it's too late
It's not your lungs this time, it's your heart that holds your fate
Don't give me my money, honey, I don't want it back
You and your pony face and your Union Jack
Well, take your local joker and teach him how to act
I swear I was never that way, even when I really cracked
Didn't you think I knew that you were born with the power of a locomotive
Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound?
And your Chelsea suicide with no apparent motive
You could laugh and cry in a single sound

And your strength is devastating in the face of all these odds
Remember how I kept you waiting when it was my turn to be the god?

You were not quite half so proud when I found you broken on the beach
Remember how I poured salt on your tongue and hung just out of reach
And the band, they played the homecoming theme as I caressed your cheek
That ragged, jagged melody, she still clings to me like a leech
But that medal you wore on your chest always got in the way
Like a little girl with a trophy so soft to buy her way
We were both hitchhikers but you had your ear tuned to the roar
Of some metal-tempered engine on an alien, distant shore
So you left to find a better reason than the one we were living for
And it's not that nursery mouth that I came back for
It's not the way you're stretched out on the floor
'Cause I've broken all your windows and I've rammed through all your doors
And who am I to ask you to lick my sores?
And you should know that's true

The lyrics don't super fit, but it's the Boss, y'all. And you know what else?

He came for me.

And I was right here waiting...

I'm on Fire

Went to an incredible yoga class today, with an incredible teacher and an incredible playlist which included this incredible song:

Hey, little girl, is your daddy home?
Did he go and leave you all alone?
I got a bad desire
Oh-oh-oh, I'm on fire

Tell me now, baby, is he good to you?
And can he do to you the things that I do? Oh, no
I can take you higher
Oh-oh-oh, I'm on fire

Sometimes it's like someone took a knife, baby, edgy and dull
And cut a six-inch valley through the middle of my skull
At night I wake up with the sheets soaking wet
And a freight train running through the middle of my head
Only you can cool my desire
Oh-oh-oh, I'm on fire
Oh-oh-oh, I'm on fire
Oh-oh-oh, I'm on fire

And I kinda was, since it was a hot yoga class!

Growin' Up

On the big cross country move!

This is one of the many songs we heard in our travels from New Hampshire to Wisco, and it feels appropriate to mark this momentous occasion in my life:

I stood stone-like at midnight, suspended in my masquerade
I combed my hair till it was just right and commanded the night brigade
I was open to pain and crossed by the rain and I walked on a crooked crutch
I strolled all alone through a fallout zone and come out with my soul untouched
I hid in the clouded wrath of the crowd, but when they said, "Sit down," I stood up
Ooh... growin' up

The flag of piracy flew from my mast, my sails were set wing to wing
I had a jukebox graduate for first mate, she couldn't sail but she sure could sing
I pushed B-52 and bombed them with the blues with my gear set stubborn on standing
I broke all the rules, strafed my old high school, never once gave thought to landing
I hid in the clouded wrath of the crowd, but when they said, "Come down," I threw up
Ooh... growin' up

I took month-long vacations in the stratosphere, and you know it's really hard to hold your breath
I swear I lost everything I ever loved or feared, I was the cosmic kid in full costume dress
Well, my feet they finally took root in the earth, but I got me a nice little place in the stars
And I swear I found the key to the universe in the engine of an old parked car
I hid in the mother breast of the crowd, but when they said, "Pull down," I pulled up
Ooh... growin' up
Ooh... growin' up

I'm growin' up alright. I'm in love, big love, spend the rest of your lives together love, and I'm loved right back in the exact same way. We're shackin' up for good, and I couldn't be happier about it!

Human Touch

I can't seem to get enough hot yoga these days. Partly that's because I bought a month unlimited from my friend, and partly it's because it's Winter.

I particularly love the hot yoga teacher who sings to us in savasana.

He's not the boss, but he's a teacher who inspires me to be my best and do my best:

You and me we were the pretenders
We let it all slip away
In the end what you don't surrender
Well the world just strips away

Girl ain't no kindness in the face of strangers
Ain't gonna find no miracles here
Well you can wait on your blessings darlin'
But I got a deal for you right here

I ain't lookin' for prayers or pity
I ain't comin' 'round searchin' for a crutch
I just want someone to talk to
And a little of that human touch
Just a little of that human touch

Ain't no mercy on the streets of this town
Ain't no bread from heavenly skies
Ain't nobody drawin' wine from this blood
It's just you and me tonight

Tell me in a world without pity
Do you uthink what I'm askin's too much ?
I just want something to hold on to
And a little of that human touch
Just a little of that human touch

Oh girl that feeling of safety you prize
Well it comes with a hard hard price
You can't shut off the risk and pain
Without losin' the love that remains
We're all riders on this train

So you been broken and you been hurt
Show me soomebody who ain't
Yeah I know I ain't nobody's bargain
But hell a little touchup
And a little paint...

You might need somethin' to hold on to
When all the answers they don't amount to much
Somebody that you can just talk to
And a little of that human touch

Baby in a world without pity
Do you think what I'm askin's too much ?
I just want to feel you in my arms
And share a little of that human touch...

It's not human touch, but when he praises me, it makes me shine. When I got home, I had a cool conversation with my son about teachers who inspire you to do your best. He was able to name several he felt that way about, which made me feel heartened about his high school experience.

And I did get a little human touch, in the form of a hand squeeze from my favorite yoga buddy in savasana...

Tougher Than The Rest

Big hands I know you're the one!

This morning my ipod dialed up this beautiful number from the Boss:

Well It's Saturday night
You're all dressed up in blue
I been watching you awhile
Maybe you been watching me too
So somebody ran out
Left somebody's heart in a mess
Well if you're looking for love
Honey I'm tougher than the rest

Some girls they want a handsome Dan
Or some good-lookin' Joe
On their arm some girls like a sweet-talkin' Romeo
Well 'round here baby
I learned you get what you can get
So if you're rough enough for love
Honey I'm tougher than the rest

The road is dark
And it's a thin thin line
But I want you to know I'll walk it for you any time
Maybe your other boyfriends
Couldn't pass the test
Well if you're rough and ready for love
Honey I'm tougher than the rest

Well it ain't no secret
I've been around a time or two
Well I don't know baby maybe you've been around too
Well there's another dance
All you gotta do is say yes
And if you're rough and ready for love
Honey I'm tougher than the rest
If you're rough enough for love
Baby I'm tougher than the rest

Me too, Bruce. I feel like I am one of the tougher ones.

Yesterday on my bike in the woods, I scraped my shoulder on a tree.

No big deal -- you can barely see the wound -- but I had to laugh when I told my daughter about it and she said: "That's exactly why I don't like mountain biking."

I get that there are a lot of people who wouldn't like it for the reason that I often emerge from the woods a little scraped up.

Me? It makes me feel like a badass.

In other words, it helps me be in my power. And I'm all for any activity that meets that criteria!

The Brokenhearted

Just me chillin' at CamRock post-ride

After visiting my friend and her new baby on Saturday, I went mountain biking at CamRock. I had the trails all to myself -- except for the snakes, chipmunks, grasshoppers, toads, bunnies and woodchucks -- I guess all my fellow shredders were busy cheering on the Badgers. I LOVED having the woods to myself, and I had an excellent time.

When my thoughts traveled to my old mountain biking pal, I tried to remind myself to have my own experience, you know, be here now. And I mostly managed to do that.

I try to make sure the Universe knows, though, in no uncertain terms, that I am open to an encounter with a new mountain biking hottie whenever it's ready to put that in motion. Just in case this was my weekend, I packed not one but two Hopalicious in my cooler for after-ride refreshment.

Alas, it will not surprise you to learn that the fact that I enjoyed having the trails to myself also meant that there was no hot man to drink my other beer.

Which is ok. It really is. I know that this time is about being the one I love. I keep getting those reminders. And I'm mostly doing a pretty damn good job of doing just that.

So this morning when the Boss started playing after my meditation, this time this tune:

Well darling, oh won't you come a little closer
I promise pretty darling, I didn't know what I was saying
And now I'm praying that you won't say it's over
Come here pretty baby and rest your head upon my shoulder
Just one kiss and we started
Now don't leave me to the brokenhearted, the brokenhearted, the brokenhearted
And tell me that you need me

Well now baby, the lonely nights keep growing longer
And my love for you just keeps growing stronger
Like a wheel of chance so endlessly turning
My fate lay in your hands, my heart forever burning
In a sweet fire your kiss started
Now don't leave me to the brokenhearted, the brokenhearted, the brokenhearted
And tell me that you love me
Tell me that you want me, girl

The cruel mistakes I've made, the hard price that I've paid
For the good times and for laughter
Girl, I should've known for the indifference that I've shown
I'd pay forever after

And darling, now all I'm trying to say is passion
And love, they have a way of slipping into blackness
Uncared for of slipping away
The deck is cut, the cards turned, the hand is played
And all we ever hope for burns to ashes and drifts away
Now don't let our love slip into this darkness
Don't leave me to the brokenhearted, the brokenhearted, the brokenhearted
And tell me that you love me
Tell me that you need me
Tell me that you love me
Tell me that you want me
Tell me that you need me
Tell me that you want me
Tell me that you love me
Yeah tell me that you love me
Tell me that you love me
Tell me that you want me
And come on now daring
Say it right now baby
Say it right now darling
Tell me that you love me

I felt, for the moment at least, free from the grip of the loneliness that I can hear and feel in his voice. I can and I am telling myself that I love me, and I'm getting the message that I am loved from the Universe in myriad ways.

Not, mind you, in the super delicious way that is being wrapped up in the strong arms of someone like The Boss or The New Englander or the yummy, available, considerate, open, generous, warm, smart, fun, lovely man I'm gonna date next.

But I've been working out. I practice yoga six times a week. My arms are pretty buff. They'll do for the time being, during which I seem to still have work that I need to do on my own...

Rendezvous

I woke up early again this morning, too early. I was stressing about kid-related stuff, which I seem to be doing a lot lately, and this morning my worry was also laced with guilt. Last night my daughter and I had gotten into an absolute screaming match that my son attempted to break up. It wasn't pretty. I wasn't proud of it. But I felt absolutely powerless to stop it. Today when I talked it over with a friend, she said that's one reason why it helps to have two parents. Because usually both parents aren't in that space at the same time, so the other can intervene. I can see how that would be helpful, but I'm on my own for the moment with this parenting gig.

So I sent my son's guidance counselor an email, hoping for some guidance. And then I turned on a guided meditation -- for a little more guidance. When the meditation finished, another one started right after it - usually a song comes on -- so I felt like I was supposed to do that one too. I was less familiar with the second one, but I think it was Jack Kornfield's voice, and he was guiding me through a body scan. I had big tears during the first part, starting at the crown, and then he got to the heart. He said to try to hold whatever pain I might find there as I would a small child, tenderly. And then I had a horrible experience, in which I could see in my mind's eye a cowering, crying child in a corner, but I could not go pick her up. Which made me feel like my mother, who often wasn't there for me when I needed her as a child, and that felt awful.

Lucky for me, the meditation ended with this lovely poem by Lynn Park:

Take the time to meditate, to pray

It is the sweet oil that eases the hinge into the garden

So the doorway can swing open easily

You can always go there

Consider yourself blessed

Those stones that break your bones will build an altar of your love

Give everything away except your garden

Your worry, your fear, your small-mindedness

And remember your garden can never be taken from you

Take the time to meditate, to pray

It is the sweet oil that eases the hinge into the garden

I really like that poem. Especially the part about the stones that break your bones building an altar of your love. That's beautiful.

Speaking of beautiful, after the two meditations, iTunes decided to bring out the Boss:

I had a dream
My love would last forever
I had a dream
Last night she had a dream too
She'll be there tonight
If I'm down then she'll make me feel right
Oohh, rendez-vous

Oh yes Bruce, I had that same dream, and now, instead of that dream, I'm plagued with dreams about trying to have sex with the New Englander but it's always fraught -- there's another woman there, or there's talk about another woman -- it's awful. I wish I could just speed past this stage and not have to feel all this. It makes me really raw, and that doesn't always lead to the best sleep or the best parenting.

Haven't I told you, girl,
How much I liked you
I got a feeling that you liked me too
And if you'll hold me tight
We'll be riders, girl, on the night
Oohh, rendez-vous, I want a rendez-vous

I got a feeling that we should stay together
'cause I think our love could be forever
Because I had a dream
My love would last forever
I had a dream
Tonight my dream come true
And if you'll hold me tight
We'll be riders, girl, on the night
Oohh, rendez-vous, I want a rendez-vous

Yeah, I feel you, I want a rendezvous too. It's been more than four years since I've been with anyone other than my ex-boyfriend:

You deserve so much more than this, girl
'cause I'm running on the power
And living on the promise
In your last kiss
Because I had a dream
My love would last forever
I had a dream
Tonight my dream come true
And if you'll hold me tight
We'll be riders, girl, on the night
Oohh, rendez-vous, I want a rendez-vous

Come on, Universe, isn't it time for a rendezvous for yours truly?

One Way Street

This morning I awoke with a heavy heart. I told my favorite New Englander before I left that I was going to need to cut the cord and not have contact with him, but I haven't been ready to do that just yet. There were still things I wanted to say. Saying my piece is important, and it's part of the process. But so is dealing with the fact that the person on the other end isn't really hearing it, or if he is, he isn't responding. Maybe even can't respond right now. I had the sense when I was out there that he was really protecting himself. My therapist used to show me the ways in which he was holding me at arm's length, even when I didn't see that. I didn't want to see that.

The East Coaster and I were talking on this trip about when we fell in love. I explained how huge it was for me to have someone listen to me for so many hours, really see who I am as a human being, and fall in love with me as I was falling in love with him. That hadn't happened before, in large part because I hadn't known who I was and wasn't out in the world as my true self until around the time I met him. Remembering this, he said "That was such a big time for me." And I thought yeah, it was. Because for whatever reason -- be it the glow of new love or the timing or maybe we'll never know -- it was a time when he didn't feel the need to protect himself. When he could let himself be vulnerable. When he was opening to possibility rather than closing inward. We used to talk about crawling into our space together -- it felt so good to do that -- even over the phone. And it's just not possible now, with him so far inside his own head, his own heart, his own body. The way those parts of us combined was absolutely magical.

Once you know that magic, it's very difficult not to feel robbed when it becomes out of reach. Just out of reach, though, not miles. It's like losing by the smallest possible margin. You're losing, but you can taste victory, it was yours, you thought it was yours, and then it wasn't.

I've tried to both explain to him and understand myself what I felt was happening to us but it doesn't seem to be something I can really influence. So this morning I turned on some guided meditations to see if that would help me get some clarity. I started with Buddha Transforms Difficulties, where Jack Kornfield encourages you to conjure up a tough situation and then visualize a spiritual leader like Buddha helping you see another way to be with the problem. At the beginning I was yelling the word "No!" and by the end, I was breathing more calmly. It didn't feel like a big epiphany, but it was a shift.

The next one I did was Forgiveness meditation. That one was juicier. The meditation takes you through three different aspects of forgiveness. Asking others for forgiveness, forgiving yourself, and forgiving others. The first one didn't really resonate today, but the second one, forgiving yourself, really did.

That aspect of the guided meditation goes like this:

"Feel your own sorrows and regret, and sense that finally, you can release this burden and ask and extend forgiveness.

In the many ways that I have hurt and harmed myself, betrayed or abandoned myself, knowingly or unknowingly, out of my pain and fear, out of confusion and anger and hurt. I remember these now, and I offer myself forgiveness.

I forgive myself.
I hold myself in mercy and kind forgiveness.
I offer myself forgiveness in all that I've done. I forgive myself. I forgive myself.

And I do. I know that I only betrayed and abandoned myself because I thought I needed to do that to be loved. I know better now.

And then the third direction began -- forgiving others -- and I got in touch with something sort of unexpected and big -- I'm not ready to forgive my former lover yet. I thought I was. I said I was. But I'm not ready to forgive him for walking away from our love, and in doing so, walking away from himself. I understand he did it to walk back to another part of him, but the only way to do that without abandoning me was to let me in on the decision. He didn't do that. And to this day, he seems to be willing to throw away something that feels to me like it is worth more than that.

But, as the Boss reminds us in the song that came on iTunes right after my guided meditation, love cannot be sustained as a one way street, and I'm afraid -- though it didn't start out that way -- that's what ours became:

Well, if the sun should fall from the sky tomorrow
If the rain brings a tear to your eye I would share your sorrow
If you must go then take your leave
Our love was strong, our love was sweet

But we were walking on the wild side
Running down a one way street

In the night, I see only the fire in your eyes
The morning light brings the shadows of your lies
And so the change has come today
And for our wrongs, well, we must pay

We were walking on the wild side
Running down a one way street

Oh, my darling, I must, I must confess
This can't be love, no, I am just a man possessed
And so the tide has turned today
We can turn and walk away

'Cause we were walking on the wild side
Running down a one way street, yes, we are
Girl, we're walking on the wild side
Running down a one way street

Were we? It didn't feel that way for a long time. It felt like the safest, most mutually beneficial arrangement imaginable. Until it didn't...

Land of Hope and Dreams

This morning in Madison, Bruce Springsteen warmed up the crowd for one last rally from President Obama preceding tomorrow's election. I thought about making my way downtown to see if I could at least hear the boss's voice fill the air outside the Capitol building in which I expend so much of my time and energy, but I decided not to go.

You see, I woke up this morning feeling drained, and I realized that the best thing for me to do was to take the morning to care for myself so that I could regain the energy to care for my loved ones. Probably the right decision, though a part of me would have liked to be there.

I've always loved Bruce Springsteen, but I gained a new appreciation of him recently when I read this article in the New Yorker. It seems that the Boss, like so many of the rest of us, had a difficult relationship with his father. He didn't feel seen, or acknowledged, or appreciated by him, and that left a gaping hole that he's been dealing with all of his life. I have to give him a lot of credit for not turning to the things so many of us turn to for filling such holes -- alcohol and drugs. Instead, he channels it into his music and takes a great amount of pride in his physical body, practicing self love -- the kind I practiced by going to yoga this morning.

But the article also points out that he's done more than that to deal with this hole -- seeing that it kept him from being able to fully surrender in love relationships, he got himself a good therapist, and has been in analysis of varying intensity much of his adult life. He said that he wanted to have a wife and a family, and he knew that he needed help to open himself up to all that entails.

I read about Bruce's performance in Madison this morning and learned that the Boss closed his set with this powerful number:

Grab your ticket and your suitcase, thunder's rolling down this track
Well you don't know where you're going now, but you know you won't be back
Well, darling, if you're weary, lay your head upon my chest
We'll take what we can carry, yeah, and we'll leave the rest

And with my new appreciation for what he is about, I see his lyrics operating on multiple levels. When you've been mistreated, you often make promises to yourself about what you won't put up with in the future. We humans have very powerful self-preservation skills. But sometimes, we have to be willing to look at the mechanisms that we used to protect ourselves and see if they are still needed. Loving someone and allowing yourself to be loved by someone gives us that place to rest our weary heads, and it helps us decide what we want and need to carry forward and what we can leave behind, and it can also lighten the load that we do decide to take with us.

I know this is true in my own relationship, and maybe the hardest part for me is remembering not to carry too much for my beloved. If I can manage to focus more on getting on the train myself, I have faith that we'll find this land of hope and dreams of which Bruce sings:

I will provide for you and I'll stand by your side
You'll need a good companion now for this part of the ride
Yeah, leave behind your sorrows, let this day be the last
Well, tomorrow there'll be sunshine and all this darkness past

Well, Big Wheels roll through fields where sunlight streams
Oh, meet me in a land of hope and dreams

Well, this train carries saints and sinners
This train carries losers and winners
This train carries whores and gamblers
This train carries lost souls
I said, this train, dreams will not be thwarted
This train, faith will be rewarded
This train, hear the steel wheels singing
This train, bells of freedom ringing
[Sax solo]

You don't need no ticket
Oh, you gotta do this
Just get onboard...

Streets of Philadelphia

You gotta love a city to which the Boss has paid such a beautiful tribute. That's right, for the past five days I found myself on the streets of Philadelphia:

I was bruised and battered, I couldn't tell what I felt

I was unrecognizable to myself

I saw my reflection in a window, I didn't know my own face

Oh brother are you gonna leave me wastin' away

On the Streets of Philadelphia

I walked the avenue, 'til my legs felt like stone,

I heard the voices of friends vanished and gone,

At night I could hear the blood in my veins,

Black and whispering as the rain,

On the Streets of Philadelphia

Ain't no angel gonna greet me.

It's just you and I my friend.

My clothes don't fit me no more,

I walked a thousand miles

Just to slip this skin

The night has fallen, I'm lyin' awake,

I can feel myself fading away,

So receive me brother with your faithless kiss,

Or will we leave each other alone like this

On the Streets of Philadelphia

Thankfully, unlike the people about which this song is largely written, I am not suffering from HIV, and I mostly just got to enjoy walking around a great city, staying in a great hotel, working with some highly engaged and interesting people, seeing an old friend, eating at some great restaurants and discovering a fabulous yoga studio.

Even in the midst of all the excitement, one thing I realized out there is how lonely it can feel when you become accustomed to sharing intimate details with someone on a consistent basis and then stop or only do it sporadically.

Really, really lonely.

I want to share my life with my person. I know how much richer it feels to live that way and I don't like living in between having that and not having it. I don't have any answers about how to fix it, but that's how I'm feeling...

Brilliant Disguise

After a break in the action, the internal jukebox went full volume this morning with this selection:

I hold you in my arms as the band plays

What are those words whispered baby just as you turn away

I saw you last night out on the edge of town

I wanna read your mind and know just what I've got in this new thing I've found

So tell me what I see when I look in your eyes

Is that you baby or just a brilliant disguise

I heard somebody call your name from underneath our willow

I saw something tucked in shame underneath your pillow

Well I've tried so hard baby but I just can't see

What a woman like you is doing with me

So tell me what I see when I look in your eyes

Is that you baby or just a brilliant disguise

It was those last four lines in particular that I kept hearing. Not sure exactly why, but in my opinion this song really lays out a lot of the fears that come up in a relationship -- including the fear that we're not worthy or deserving. Whether we know it or not, whether we are willing to admit it or not, we all have that fear.

And I think it's that fear that causes me to enter the mode the Boss articulates on the first line of the next verse:

Now look at me baby struggling to do everything right

And then it all falls apart when out go the lights

Im just a lonely pilgrim I walk this world in wealth

I want to know if it's you I don't trust cause I damn sure don't trust

Myself

I, on the other hand, do trust myself, especially in my best moments, when I remember who I really am, when I'm authentically me, and not just playing a role as described in this next verse:

Now you play the loving woman I'll play the faithful man

But just don't look too close into the palm of my hand

We stood at the alter the gypsy swore our future was right

But come the wee wee hours maybe baby the gypsy lied

So when you look at me you better look hard and look twice

Is that me baby or just a brilliant disguise

It's me baby. Look in my eyes...

Santa Claus is Coming to Town

Both of my kids are now officially Santa Claus skeptics, just like their Dad (and there is a connection there).

But I still insist on trying to keep the magic alive, despite their protests, and nothing could've made me happier than hearing, early Christmas morning, these words come out of my 11-year old's mouth when he thought no one was listening:

"He came!"

Damn right he did, as promised by the Boss:

You better watch out

You better not cry

Better not pout

I'm telling you why

Santa Claus is coming to town

He's making a list

And checking it twice;

Gonna find out Who's naughty and nice

Santa Claus is coming to town

He sees you when you're sleeping

He knows when you're awake

He knows if you've been bad or good

So be good for goodness sake!

O! You better watch out!

You better not cry

Better not pout

I'm telling you why

Santa Claus is coming to town

Santa Claus is coming to town

Thanks for stopping at our house, Santa, despite the resident skeptics! We're so glad you did!

Born to Run

Once a month, I get to spend alone time with one of my kids, usually an overnight. This month it's my turn with my daughter, and we'd been talking for weeks about how we'd spend the time. We finally settled on a trip to Devil's Lake, a state park about an hour from our house. We put our bikes on the back of the car, grabbed our beach gear, and off we went.

Like all the best adventures, it didn't work out at all like we planned. We never actually went to Devil's Lake. Driving into Baraboo, the town you go through right before arriving at the entrance to the park, we saw that something was going on. Streets were blocked off, booths were set up... we'd skipped our local farmer's market this morning so we could hit the road, but when we spied what we thought might be another market, we felt compelled to park and check it out. That was at 11am -- we finally drove away from that parking space at 5pm. What we thought was a market turned out to be "Old Fashioned Days." One of the highlights of Old Fashioned Days was a huge water fight (pictured above) using actual fire hoses to shoot at a keg that is suspended in the air. It was awesome! The woman next to us said they'd been doing this every year since the 60s, when she'd come to watch it as a little girl. We've decided to make it an annual trip ourselves.

But the best moment, we decided over dinner this evening, wasn't something we were able to photograph. Later in the afternoon, we'd unloaded our bikes and rode them toward the riverwalk, which one of the locals recommended as a nice place to ride. It was magical -- especially the part where we rode down off the riverwalk on a trail, right to the edge of the river, and climbed out over the river on the trunk and branches of a Weeping Willow tree. We fancied it as our river home -- and the leaves that hung down all around us as the curtains. We wondered if maybe we could live there, at least in the summertime.

Heading back to Madison, I turned on the radio to see what was playing, and it was none other than this song by the Boss -- a man I grew up loving (and whose arms -- and voice -- I still have a definite affinity). Although the song is not about anything as innocent as pretending to live in a tree over a river, it is about how amazingly free you can feel when you leave it all behind, even for a few hours...