Free Man in Paris

Every once in a while, in the course of watching TV on Netflix, Hulu, or Amazon, I stumble upon a truly brilliant series. The latest example? Girls. That Lena Dunham! Hilarious, unabashed, edgy, and unafraid to confront hard issues.

Tonight's episode featured Lena digging into sexual assault, and she did SUCH a brilliant job with it. My boyfriend and I argued about it, because he wondered whether the man was really wrong to do what he did, and I felt it emphatically true that he was. There was an age difference and a power dynamic -- not a level playing field by any sense of the phrase.

Thank you, Lena, for making people squirm while watching this timeless, ubiquitous, and ultimately destructive practice unfold. This is necessary if, as a society, we're going to stop shaming and blaming victims while making excuses for perpetrators.

Speaking of heroes, the soundtrack to the episode tonight featured a gorgeous song from one of mine:

The way I see it he said
You just can't win it
Everybody's in it for their own gain
You can't please 'em all
There's always somebody calling you down
I do my best and I do good business
There's a lot of people asking for my time
They're trying to get ahead
They're trying to be a good friend of mine

I was a free man in Paris
I felt unfettered and alive
There was nobody calling me up for favours
And no one's future to decide
You know I'd go back there tomorrow
But for the work I've taken on
Stoking the star maker machinery
Behind the popular song

I deal in dreamers
And telephone screamers
Lately I wonder what I do it for
If l had my way
I'd just walk through those doors
And wander down the Champs Elysees
Going café to cabaret
Thinking how I'll feel when I find
That very good friend of mine

Both Sides Now

Again with the inner jukebox firing up while I'm riding around downtown, but this time it was a Joni Mitchell number:

Rows and flows of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere
I've looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on everyone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way

I've looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It's cloud illusions I recall
I really don't know clouds at all

Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As every fairy tale comes real
I've looked at love that way

But now it's just another show
You leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know
Don't give yourself away

I've looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions I recall
I really don't know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say "I love you" right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I've looked at life that way

But now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say I've changed
Well something's lost, but something's gained
In living every day

I've looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all

I feel that way sometimes too Joni. Everything in life is a mixed bag. At one point I thought I was going to get to the point when it wasn't going to be hard anymore, but now I'm not sure that's ever going to happen.

But I'll keep looking. At life. From Both Sides. Now. And Forever...

Help Me

Super hard to see but I'm wearing ear seeds!

Love me some Joni Mitchell. Apparently, so does President Obama, because today's song is another one from his nighttime summer playlist:

Help me
I think I'm falling
In love again
When I get that crazy feeling
I know I'm in trouble again
I'm in trouble
'Cause you're a rambler and a gambler
And a sweet taIking ladies man
And you love your lovin'
But not like you love your freedom

I picked this song today not because I'm falling in love too fast, but because once again, I made the choice today in the wake of my continued need to heal from trauma to reach out for help, this time from my acupuncturist:

Help me...

I think I'm falling
In love too fast
It's got me hoping for the future
And worrying about the past
'Cause I've seen some hot hot blazes
Come down to smoke and ash
We love our lovin'
But not like we love our freedom

Didn't it feel good
We were sitting there talking
Or lying there not talking
Didn't it feel good
You dance with the lady
With the hole in her stocking
Didn't it feel good
Didn't it feel good

And although what she was helping me heal was related to my first understandings about love more than it was related to a past, current or future love, I did have a male "visitor" while on the table. It was the image of a former colleague, someone of the tall, dark and handsome persuasion that has always been how I pictured my partner. I've never actually had a partner like that, but then again, I've never actually had a partner either.

I felt much better after my acupuncture treatment, had a good day at work, relished the beautiful bike ride home, made myself dinner:

Help me
I think I'm falling
In love with you
Are you going to let me go there by myself
That's such a lonely thing to do
Both of us flirting around
Flirting and flirting
Hurting too
We love our lovin'
But not like we love our freedom

Yes, Joni, I love my freedom. No doubt about it.

But falling in love is pretty awesome too when the time is right...

Urge For Going

I'm on round two of the Whole 30 right now, this time with my son, and one of the many awesome things about being on this diet is the quality of sleep I get. Night before last I slept nearly 8 hours without waking up once, which is pretty much unheard of for me, and last night I slept even longer with just one brief wake up. So good.

This morning my friend and I were supposed to go to hot yoga together, but she decided to bail because unlike me, she wasn't tucked into bed with a book at 9pm. (So good. Love that I'm feeling settled enough right now to read -- I often find that I can't -- this is probably also partly a result of being on the Whole 30.) But I decided to go anyway, and saw a couple of people I knew there. Mostly though, as you do at hot yoga, I saw myself. In the mirror. And I heard the teacher's message about incremental change. About not forcing anything. About being where you can breathe.

I decided this would be the year that I stopped worrying about when my hip is going to open up so I can get lotus on the other side. This year I will just show up and practice, knowing all the time that the incremental change is happening. Or as the founder of Ashtanga says, "Practice and all is coming." Yeah it is.

At the end of class, this particular teacher always sings to us in savasana, and today, this is the song he sang:

I awoke today and found
the frost perched on the town
It hovered in a frozen sky
then it gobbled summer down
When the sun turns traitor cold
and all the trees are shivering in a naked row

I get the urge for going
But I never seem to go
I get the urge for going
When the meadow grass is turning brown
Summertime is falling down and winter is closing in

Last night at my son's soccer game I was talking to a woman about her desire to travel and be adventurous, to live by the ocean, and her husband's desire to be a homebody and work in the same lab he's worked in for 20 plus years. She said she didn't know what would happen when the kids leave home.

I told her I too had gotten the urge for going, many times, but haven't gone yet because my babies are here. I also told her about the man I had, who also got the urge for going, and so he went:

I had me a man in summertime
He had summer-colored skin
And not another girl in town
My darling's heart could win
But when the leaves fell on the ground
Bully winds came around
Pushed them face down in the snow

He got the urge for going
And I had to let him go
He got the urge for going
When the meadow grass was turning brown
Summertime was falling down and winter was closing in

Yes I did, have to let him go, that is. After talking with this woman, I was reflecting on how the things I thought I wanted/needed when I was with the New Englander, marriage, another child, are not things I really want or need anymore. She said: "You scared him away!" Maybe I did, but if I did, it was for a reason. Some part of me must have known that the only way to communicate the kind of commitment I wanted/needed from him was to insist on those things. They seemed SO important to me then -- to be able to have a child with this man I loved so dearly, to be able to marry him -- but now neither one seems important, with him or with any other man. I simply want love, companionship, presence, adventure, laughter, passion, comfort and ease. For now, I'm doing my best to offer all of those things to myself, my friends, and those that are appropriate to offer to my children, offer to them.

Somewhere along the way, I have faith that I'll get the urge for going, and I'll be able to go wherever it is my heart desires:

But she's got the urge for going
So I guess she'll have to go
She gets the urge for going
When the meadow grass is turning brown
All her empire's falling down
And winter's closing in.
And I get the urge for going
When the meadow grass is turning brown
And summertime is falling down...

People's Parties

In honor of our San Francisco-based Breathe for Change team member's visit to Madison this week, we are doing a yoga tour of Madison. First stop: Dr. Ruddy's Bikram class this morning at Inner Fire.

He's so amazing, and although our teammate had never done Bikram before and was a bit put off by the heat, she totally got what is so great about Dr. Ruddy.

One of his best features is that he always sings to us in savasana, and today he sang us a little Joni Mitchell:

All the people at this party
They've got a lot of style
They've got stamps of many countries
They've got passport smiles
Some are friendly
Some are cutting
Some are watching it from the wings
Some are standing in the center
Giving to get something

Photo beauty gets attention
Then her eye paint's running down
She's got a rose in her teeth
And a lampshade crown
One minute she's so happy
Then she's crying on someone's knee
Saying laughing and crying
You know it's the same release

I told you when I met you
I was crazy
Cry for us all, beauty
Cry for Eddie in the corner
Thinking he's nobody
And Jack behind his joker
And stonecold Grace behind her fan
And me in my frightened silence
Thinking I don't understand

I feel like I'm sleeping
Can you wake me
You seem to have a broader sensibility
I'm just living on nerves and feelings
With a weak and a lazy mind
And coming to peoples parties
Fumbling deaf dumb & blind

I wish I had more sense of humour
Keeping the sadness at bay
Throwing the lightness on these things

Laughing it all away...

One of the things he said in class was the next time your kid does something to incense you, as my daughter did yesterday when she locked me out of my own car in the parking lot of the libraray (and refused to open the door), just say to yourself: "That's interesting."

Yeah, so that's not how I reacted. I beat on the windows. I screamed. And when she finally let me in, I threw shit into the back seat. Definitely reactive. So reactive. Maybe next time, I'll just call it interesting?

Here's hoping...

Both Sides Now

 Sun setting at not-quite-snow-covered golf course

I felt much better today, probably due in no small part to the fact that I started the day with my yoga practice. I'm finding that now that I've settled into a six days per week practice routine, the most challenging thing about it is the day that I don't practice. I just don't quite feel sorted. I think it's healthy to take a day off, but it's often uncomfortable, and yesterday was no exception.

I had a super productive day today -- grocery shopping, baking, cooking, shoveling, cross country skiing, going to Alanon -- and it felt really good.

I think part of the reason for my funk yesterday was feelings stirred up from seeing my family, and Alanon is helpful with that.

But maybe the most useful thing I got from the meeting was this saying:

Part of growing is letting illusions die.

That really hit me like a ton of bricks. That's exactly what I need to do, I thought, and exactly what I have been doing -- allowing the illusion to die that I'm going to get to marry the New Englander and live happily ever after. It's an illusion, and it's time for it to die.

Here's a song about letting love's illusions die:

Rows and flows of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere
I've looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on everyone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way

I've looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It's cloud illusions I recall
I really don't know clouds at all

Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As every fairy tale comes real
I've looked at love that way

But now it's just another show
You leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know
Don't give yourself away

I've looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions I recall
I really don't know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say "I love you" right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I've looked at life that way

But now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say I've changed
Well something's lost, but something's gained
In living every day

I've looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all

I know how you feel, Joni. Sometimes I don't either. But I'm learning, and as evidenced by my shadow in the photo above, I'm standing a little taller, looming a little larger, every single day...

A Case of You

Last night at my son's solo and ensemble concert, I was, as usual, moved to tears on numerous occasions, including watching him play his trombone. But what really got me going was one of his friends covering this sweet little ditty by Joni Mitchell. I'd never heard it before, but it's got a great sound and some really great lyrics:

I remember that time that you told me, you said

Love is touching souls

Surely you touched mine

Cause part of you pours out of me

In these lines from time to time

Oh you're in my blood like holy wine

You taste so bitter and so sweet

Oh I could drink a case of you darling

Still I'd be on my feet

I would still be on my feet

No one sings and plays the guitar quite like Joni, but watching my son's friend play the guitar as she sang, I resolved once again that this would be the year I'd finally start taking the guitar lessons I've wanted to take for so long.

One of these days I just may have a cover of this song on you tube, but in the meantime, although none of these feature the guitar, these chicks all do a decent cover: Diana Krall, KD Lang and Tori Amos. I dig all those chicks, but I think my favorite version (second only to Joni's) is by an honorary chick: Prince.

River

Last night I didn't leave the office until about 6pm, but I left in pretty good spirits. I'd had a good, productive day, made a couple of good connections, gotten a little exercise in...

So it felt a little incongruous when my internal jukebox started to spin this song as I walked to the parking garage (one more week of having a free parking spot which, when combined with below zero temps, makes the auto-commute pretty irresistible). This is usually a song I dial up on the ipod when I feel really sad or uncomfortable and want to hear that feeling sung to me in Joni's gentle tones. But I didn't feel particularly sad. And it wasn't Christmas. And it was these lyrics I heard:

Oh I wish I had a river

I could skate away on

Not the ones that make me giggle and get to think about Joni Mitchell as being something other than the maternal energy she is for me:

And he loved me so naughty

Made me weak in the knees

I just couldn't figure it out. As the night wore on, I had a less-than-completely satisfying conversation with the one person who always makes me feel better and when I hung up I did feel a little sad, but I still didn't really know why. Then I drove out to teach my yoga class and nobody came. It didn't feel awesome, but I had known some of my regulars wouldn't be there so I wasn't completely crushed. And then later I talked to my son and mentioned that I was home early because no one came to class. "Oh Mom, I'm sorry," he said. "I thought people liked your class?" And then I just started to cry, maybe partly because of the rejection but mainly because of the sweetness of my child's recognition that that didn't feel good.

And then, as he told me about his day, the mystery of the song choice became crystal clear: he'd been ice skating for pe class that day. He's not a very capable skater, and there's another kid in his class who tends to like to pull immature little pranks on him whenever possible. This other kid can move on skates, and took advantage by skating past my son and pulling his ski mask off and skating away with it. That had to have been a shitty feeling, I told him, and I agreed that it wasn't very mature. What I really wanted to do was take him in my arms and play him this song, but that will have to wait a couple more days:

I wish I had a river so long

I would teach my feet to fly

Oh I wish I had a river

I could skate away on...