Change

Today I learned that my new life -- in which the man I hoped would move in with me nearly four years ago is moving in with me and my kids -- is gonna start even sooner than I thought.

Over the past couple of weeks, I've been starting to prepare by making space: I cleaned out half of a big closet and two drawers for him. And I couldn't have done that if I hadn't also done the emotional work of letting go of this time in which it's all about me and my kids. I wouldn't trade it. I feel pretty sure that my kids feel like this home is a sanctuary for them, and so do I, which is huge. I didn't feel that in my childhood, I didn't feel that in my marriage.

I wouldn't invite just anyone into our sanctuary, and my kids and I, we wouldn't let just anyone into our hearts. He's in there, already, for all three of us -- so we have that going for us. He's conscious, considerate and conscientious -- so we have that going for us too.

There can be absolutely no question that this represents a major change for us :

Just when you were getting used to this place
You were getting used to these bones
You were getting used to the changes
Well the change won't leave you alone

And I see it as a learning opportunity, for all of us. That change won't leave you alone in your life. In the next couple of years, we're going to go through the New Englander moving in and then my oldest moving out, so I'm going to treat the former like a learning experience for all of us about major transitions in life:

You finally caught up with the pace
The tough just might have got going
You thought you could trust all the faces
Well they're only on one side of the coin

All these changes
Different stages
Turning page after page after page
It gets stranger day by day

(That last line feels like it's about the current President...)

Set your eyes straight up ahead
Don't look down when you cross
And pay no mind to time it's a punch line
The joke is on all of us

All these changes
Different stages
Turning page after page after page

Yep, we'll just keep turning page after page, hearts open, eyes open, mouths open for honest communication. Welcoming a new member into our family, into our home - even if he's not entirely new to us -- feels big.

In a good way...

Better Together

Sunrise on my bike ride this morning

Last night I went to a power flow yoga class with a couple of friends. Power flow isn't my favorite style of yoga but I had already done Ashtanga and I do enjoy the person who teaches the Tuesday night class. He reminds me a bit of my favorite cousin whom I adore and my friend and I always end up giggling in his class.

During savasana, he played this song, which came back to me on my bikeride to practice this morning:

There is no combination of words I could put on the back of a postcard
No song that I could sing, but I can try for your heart
Our dreams, and they are made out of real things
Like a, shoebox of photographs
With sepia-toned loving
Love is the answer,
At least for most of the questions in my heart
Like why are we here? And where do we go?
And how come it's so hard?
It's not always easy and
Sometimes life can be deceiving
I'll tell you one thing, it's always better when we're together

And I thought about the change I've undergone in the last six months or so. I now know, in a way that I didn't before, that I am an amazing partner in so many ways. And I know I deserve an amazing partner. And I know I didn't have one with my last boyfriend. And I know I will have one when the time is right.

And when I do, this will be true, I am quite sure:

Mmm, it's always better when we're together
Yeah, we'll look at the stars when we're together
Well, it's always better when we're together
Yeah, it's always better when we're together

And all of these moments
Just might find their way into my dreams tonight
But I know that they'll be gone
When the morning light sings
And brings new things
For tomorrow night you see
That they'll be gone too
Too many things I have to do
But if all of these dreams might find their way
Into my day to day scene
I'd be under the impression
I was somewhere in between
With only two
Just me and you
Not so many things we got to do
Or places we got to be
We'll sit beneath the mango tree now

Yeah, it's always better when we're together
Mmm, we're somewhere in between together
Well, it's always better when we're together
Yeah, it's always better when we're together

Mmm, mmm, mmm

Upside Down

When I heard this song in the car today, I had no idea that the video would feature Curious George!?

These are the lyrics to which I was responding:

This world keeps spinning and there's no time to waste
Well it all keeps spinning, spinning

Round and round and upside down
Who's to say what's impossible and can't be found?
I don't want this feeling to go away

Please don't go away
Please don't go away
Please don't go away

Is this how it's supposed to be?
Is this how it's supposed to be?

I felt angry today about the lack of contact and seeming lack of regard for me shown by my departed friend. Since I didn't particularly like taking it out on my kids, I tried to work with it, and I felt a little shift along the lines of these lyrics.

Specifically, I began to wonder today if maybe my insistence about the power of our love (blah blah blah you've heard it all here before) and my thoughts about him coming back are really just a form of protection to help make me less vulnerable. After all, as long as I maintain that, I don't have to feel like I'm really alone, like there's really this giant question mark where I thought, hoped, and not long ago felt there was someone right here next to me.

So today, I tried to turn it into more of a question, asking the Universe for more information:

Is this how it's supposed to be?
Is this how it's supposed to be?