Bargain

Best I've ever had, ever could have, ever will have. #bestever

This weekend we made the long trek up to our favorite Midwestern spot: Copper Harbor, in the U.P.

It wasn't a perfect weekend for it, by any means: I've been processing traumatic memories (most likely thanks to my mother's birthday on Friday) which means not much sleep and lots of tears, I have a cold, we couldn't get Friday or Monday off work, the forecast was chilly one day and rainy the next...

But it was our last opportunity to get up there this Fall, so we took it. And though it wasn't easy in a lot of ways, it was, as it always is, glorious: the mountain biking, Lake Superior, Brickside Brewery, ahhhh...

And don't forget lots of car time with my man, whether it be driving or sleeping (as we did the second night when it wasn't just cold but pouring rain). That's always a treat.

Especially with a sound track like this:

I'd gladly lose me to find you
I'd gladly give up all I had
To find you I'd suffer anything and be glad

I'd pay any price just to get you
I'd work all my life and I will
To win you I'd stand naked, stoned and stabbed

I'd call that a bargain
The best I ever had
The best I ever had

I'd gladly lose me to find you
I'd gladly give up all I got
To catch you I'm gonna run and never stop

I'd pay any price just to win you
Surrender my good life for bad
To find you I'm gonna drown an unsung man

I'd call that a bargain
The best I ever had
The best I ever had

I sit looking 'round
I look at my face in the mirror
I know I'm worth nothing without you
In life one and one don't make two
One and one make one
And I'm looking for that free ride to me
I'm looking for you

I'd gladly lose me to find you
I'd gladly give up all I got
To catch you I'm gonna run and never stop

I'd pay any price just to win you
Surrender my good life for bad
To find you I'm gonna drown an unsung man

I'd call that a bargain
The best I ever had
The best I ever had

Yes he is!

Pinball Wizard

So this is midlife. So many things coming together. So many hard things getting easier. Eating the vegetables I planted for dinner tonight. My stiff body becoming supple.

I think I like 45.

It's not perfect, mind you:

My pasta primavera didn't taste that great: but I GREW the vegetables. There'll be time for refinement. How many years did I wish I had a vegetable garden but never plant seeds?

My body still has its quirks, but overall, it feels strong, and beautiful, and my friend actually used the word supple to describe it when she was adjusting me during my yoga practice today. Supple. I've waited a very long time and worked really hard to let go of all the stiffness that calcified my body, including my heart, for all of those years.

Supple. I was so excited by that six letter word being used to describe my body, I chose the only song I could find with the word supple in it to mark this day:

Ever since I was a young boy,
I've played the silver ball.
From Soho down to Brighton
I must have played them all.
But I ain't seen nothing like him
In any amusement hall...

That deaf, dumb and blind kid
Sure plays a mean pinball!

He stands like a statue,
Becomes part of the machine.
Feeling all the bumpers
Always playing clean.
He plays by intuition,
The digit counters fall.

That deaf, dumb and blind kid
Sure plays a mean pinball!

He's a pinball wizard
There has to be a twist.
A pinball wizard's got such a supple wrist.

See that? And it just happens to be a classic:

'How do you think he does it?
I don't know!
What makes him so good?'

Ain't got no distractions
Can't hear no buzzers and bells,
Don't see no lights a-flashin'
Plays by sense of smell.
Always gets a replay,
Never seen him fall.

That deaf, dumb and blind kid
Sure plays a mean pinball.

I thought I was The Bally table king
But I just handed my pinball crown to him.

Even on my favorite table
He can beat my best.
His disciples lead him in
And he just does the rest.
He's got crazy flipper fingers
Never seen him fall...

That deaf, dumb and blind kid
Sure plays a mean pinball.

I saw my acupuncturist today, and we worked on the heart channel. On integrating the mind and the heart. On stepping away from cognition and into feeling. I gotta admit, it feels scary. The last time I went there I ended up getting very badly hurt.

Then again, as it turns out, that pain ended up propelling more growth than I could've dreamed possible. I reckon it's worth it to venture back into that heart, and not just by fantasizing about unattainable men, but by inviting a real, live, available, middle-aged, supple-bodied man into my life.

Not to rescue me, but to be by my side.

Not so I can rescue him, but so we can ride the waves together.

Things are falling into place for me in my work life, proving I can do a lot with my brain. I feel like I know what it is capable of, but I've only scratched the surface of what's in store for my heart. I want to go deeper. It's scary, but I'm brave.

Ready when you are, Universe!