Pinball Wizard

So this is midlife. So many things coming together. So many hard things getting easier. Eating the vegetables I planted for dinner tonight. My stiff body becoming supple.

I think I like 45.

It's not perfect, mind you:

My pasta primavera didn't taste that great: but I GREW the vegetables. There'll be time for refinement. How many years did I wish I had a vegetable garden but never plant seeds?

My body still has its quirks, but overall, it feels strong, and beautiful, and my friend actually used the word supple to describe it when she was adjusting me during my yoga practice today. Supple. I've waited a very long time and worked really hard to let go of all the stiffness that calcified my body, including my heart, for all of those years.

Supple. I was so excited by that six letter word being used to describe my body, I chose the only song I could find with the word supple in it to mark this day:

Ever since I was a young boy,
I've played the silver ball.
From Soho down to Brighton
I must have played them all.
But I ain't seen nothing like him
In any amusement hall...

That deaf, dumb and blind kid
Sure plays a mean pinball!

He stands like a statue,
Becomes part of the machine.
Feeling all the bumpers
Always playing clean.
He plays by intuition,
The digit counters fall.

That deaf, dumb and blind kid
Sure plays a mean pinball!

He's a pinball wizard
There has to be a twist.
A pinball wizard's got such a supple wrist.

See that? And it just happens to be a classic:

'How do you think he does it?
I don't know!
What makes him so good?'

Ain't got no distractions
Can't hear no buzzers and bells,
Don't see no lights a-flashin'
Plays by sense of smell.
Always gets a replay,
Never seen him fall.

That deaf, dumb and blind kid
Sure plays a mean pinball.

I thought I was The Bally table king
But I just handed my pinball crown to him.

Even on my favorite table
He can beat my best.
His disciples lead him in
And he just does the rest.
He's got crazy flipper fingers
Never seen him fall...

That deaf, dumb and blind kid
Sure plays a mean pinball.

I saw my acupuncturist today, and we worked on the heart channel. On integrating the mind and the heart. On stepping away from cognition and into feeling. I gotta admit, it feels scary. The last time I went there I ended up getting very badly hurt.

Then again, as it turns out, that pain ended up propelling more growth than I could've dreamed possible. I reckon it's worth it to venture back into that heart, and not just by fantasizing about unattainable men, but by inviting a real, live, available, middle-aged, supple-bodied man into my life.

Not to rescue me, but to be by my side.

Not so I can rescue him, but so we can ride the waves together.

Things are falling into place for me in my work life, proving I can do a lot with my brain. I feel like I know what it is capable of, but I've only scratched the surface of what's in store for my heart. I want to go deeper. It's scary, but I'm brave.

Ready when you are, Universe!

Coming Home

What a day.

It began with a beautiful early morning practice, then some taking care of my children, and then off I went to the Dane County Jail to teach yoga to the women in minimum there.

Talk about a grounding experience. Wow.

And when I left, I felt lucky. Because I was the only one, of the six of us in that jail recreation room, who actually had the opportunity to feel the ground, the actual earth, beneath my feet today.

One of the places my feet took me was a core class, where this was appropriately one of the songs played:

I need that
Ground beneath my feet to feel that
Ground beneath my feet
I need that
Ground beneath my feet to feel that
Ground beneath my feet
I need that

We all need that. And while I get that we have laws for a reason, and I get that we sometimes need to protect people from hurting themselves and/or others. But the way that we do it is so far from anything that might help empower these people to make better choices the next time around.

Today I learned that the women are not allowed to stand up in the pod (dorm area). They have to be sitting or laying down. One said she does her squats in the shower because it's the only place she's allowed to stand. Really? Talk about not being able to feel the ground beneath your feet, even if it is the floor of the jail. What an unfortunate, fear-based policy.

Anyway, besides the humbling and heart-opening experience of being present to those women today, I also found out my part time job at the University is morphing to full time this month (yay!), and had the incredible experience of biking up my driveway and being greeted by my 16 year old son, standing in the window, making dinner.

I am so, so blessed.

And so glad to be coming home in all these many ways:

I need that home, I'm coming home, I'm coming home
Cause it's life that I've been living in my home
Home, I'm coming home, I'm coming home
Cause I'm tired of being out here on my own
I'm coming home, oh yeah yeah yeah
I'm coming home, oh yeah
All of this time I've been living it up
All that's is left is rubble and dust
Oh oh, I'm coming home

I know if I can find my own way back
There's a life I always knew but never had
I'm tired of fighting things that I can't change
Letting me go so I can finally find my place

I need that
Ground beneath my feet to feel that
Ground beneath my feet
I need that
Ground beneath my feet to feel that
Ground beneath my feet
I need that
Ground beneath my feet to feel that
Ground beneath my feet
I need that
Ground beneath my feet to feel that
Ground beneath my feet
I need that

We all do. Every single one of us. Not just those us fortunate enough to either have the resources to make good choices, the resources to not get caught, or the resources to avoid doing time if we are caught.

Imma see what I can do about changing some of these inhumane policies...

Black Coffee

I think it's super interesting how our taste changes over time. I stopped eating meat in March, and after 40+ years of being completely grossed out by mushrooms, I liked them the first time I had them as a vegetarian. So strange!

And then this week I have another major taste change to report; like my friend Ella Fitzgerald, I now like my coffee black:

I'm feeling mighty lonesome
Haven't slept a wink
I walk the floor and watch the door
And in between I drink

Black coffee
Love's a hand me down brew
I'll never know a Sunday
In this weekday room

I'm talking to the shadows
One o'clock to four
And Lord, how slow the moments go
When all I do is pour

Black coffee
Since the blues caught my eye
I'm hanging out on Monday
My Sunday dreams to dry

This song is a classic, and Ella is about as classy as it gets, but if you ask me she's got a bunch of stuff wrong in this next verse:

Now a man is born to go a lovin'
A woman's born to weep and fret
To stay at home and tend her oven
And drown her past regrets
In coffee and cigarettes

That's not why women were born. Most definitely not.

I get how low she feels in this song, because I've most certainly been there, but I'm not, thankfully, there anymore:

I'm moody all the morning
Mourning all the night
And in between it's nicotine
And not much heart to fight

Black coffee
Feelin' low as the ground
It's driving me crazy just waiting for my baby
To maybe come around

My nerves have gone to pieces
My hair is turning gray
All I do is drink black coffee
Since my man's gone away

Nope. My man's been gone long enough now, and I've experienced enough healing, that I'm back to fully living my life, and that sure feels good!