Freedom! '90

My beautiful, giant, teenagers (and our black bunny)

A couple of days ago, I worked with a member of my pit crew -- my zero balancer/rolpher.

I told him about getting back together with my boyfriend, which he was at first dubious about but came around to feeling hopeful.

He said something really beautiful during the session, which is that the reason we are all here is to become more free.

The best kind of love offers more freedom, not less, and that's exactly what I feel with the New Englander. Being able to really sink into the feeling that my heart and my body were right -- he is my person - and feeling him love me back in the same way -- it frees up this huge part of me to do what I need to do to seek more freedom elsewhere, as I am doing in the context of my family of origin.

I also think that once the two of us are living together (and when the four of us are living together), we can use this as a mantra for how we want to approach our partnership and family. Loving in ways that are freeing, not inhibiting, that's what I want for all of us.

I was super sad today to hear that George Michael died. He was a big part of my youth, and he had something important to say about Freedom:

In this family, we're free to celebrate Hanukkah and Christmas

I won't let you down
I will not give you up
Gotta have some faith in the sound
It's the one good thing that I've got
I won't let you down
So please don't give me up
‘Cause I would really, really love to stick around, oh yeah

I think there's something you should know
I think it's time I told you so
There's something deep inside of me
There's someone else I've got to be
Take back your picture in a frame
Take back your singing in the rain
I just hope you understand
Sometimes the clothes do not make the man

All we have to do now
Is take these lies and make them true somehow
All we have to see
Is that I don't belong to you
And you don't belong to me yea yea
Freedom
Freedom
Freedom
You've gotta give for what you take
Freedom
Freedom
Freedom
You've gotta give for what you take

Well it looks like the road to heaven
But it feels like the road to hell
When I knew which side my bread was buttered
I took the knife as well
Posing for another picture
Everybody's got to sell
But when you shake your ass
They notice fast
And some mistakes were built to last

That's what you get
That's what you get
That's what you get
I say that's what you get
That's what you get for changing your mind
That's what you get for changing your mind
That's what you get
That's what you get
And after all this time
I just hope you understand
Sometimes the clothes
Do not make the man

All we have to do now is take these lies
And make them true somehow
All we have to see is that i don't belong to you
And you don't belong to me yea yea
Freedom
Freedom
Freedom
You've got to give for what you take
Freedom
Freedom
Freedom
You've got to give for what you take
Yea you've got to give for what you, give for what you give

I won't forget your wise words, George: My kids don't belong to me -- I just have the honor of loving them and helping them become the best versions of themselves. And the same is true for the New Englander. He doesn't belong to me either, but together, we reveal more love for ourselves and each other, making us a little more free all the time...

I Knew You Were Waiting

Besides being beautiful, this pool has the best music!

We flew out today, but not until 4pm, so we got to enjoy a swim -- one in the pool and one in the ocean -- before we left.

The pool my kids chose for the last swim was the bistro pool -- off the beaten path, and therefore not as busy. Plus, the radio is always blaring one cheesy favorite after another, and this morning was no exception:

Like a warrior that fights
And wins the battle
I know the taste of victory

Though I went through some nights
Consumed by the shadows
I was crippled emotionally

Somehow I made it through the heartache
Yes I did, I escaped
I found my way out of the darkness
I kept my faith, kept my faith

When the river was deep
I didn't falter
When the mountain was high
I still believed
When the valley was low
It didn't stop me, no, no
I knew you were waiting
Knew you were waiting for me

With an endless desire
I, I kept on searching
Sure in time our eyes would meet

Like the bridge is on fire
The hurt is over
One touch and you set me free

No, I don't regret a single moment
No I don't, looking back
When I think of all those disappointments
I just laugh, I just laugh

I may not be 100% entirely there, but I'm pretty darn close to feeling this way about my childhood, which makes spending time with my parents a billion times easier. This vacation felt easy about 98% of the time, which is pretty incredible.

It's been a long road getting here:

When the river was deep
I didn't falter
When the mountain was high
I still believed
When the valley was low
It didn't stop me

But while I know I owe a part of the relative ease with which I'm living these days to the healing made possible by really, truly loving and being loved, unlike Aretha and George, I'm not giving any love outside of myself all the credit:

I knew you were waiting
Knew you were waiting for me

So we were drawn together through destiny
I know this love we share was meant to be

I do know it was meant to be, this love I share with my New Englander. I know that it has made me like myself more, love myself more, be a better mother, a more avid reader, less defensive, more adventurous... the list goes on and on. But not faltering? Still believing? Not letting anything stop me on this long and winding healing journey?

All me, baby:

I didn't falter
I still believed
It didn't stop me

I Want Your Sex

I was driving my son to school bright and early this morning, when we were serenaded by these explicit lyrics:

I want your sex

I want your love

I want your.. sex

No euphemisms, no beating around the bush (double entendre intended) here -- George just lays it out there for all to hear. Luckily, we were both too tired to be too embarrassed by the moment. I made a mental note about a blog possibility, and then I heard this song AGAIN later in the same day!

It's natural

It's chemical (let's do it)

It's logical

Habitual (can we do it?)

It's sensual

But most of all...

Sex is something we should do

Sex is something for me and you

Sex is natural - sex is good

Not everybody does it

But everybody should

Sex is natural - sex is fun

Sex is best when it's... One on one

One on one

And then I knew it had to be my blog song for today. Plus, I was just saying to my boyfriend, when enjoying our closeness, "everyone deserves to be touched like this."

C-c-c-c-come on!

Faith

My friend called me up yesterday morning, and I shared with her some confusion I've been trying to work my way through. The confusion stems from two things I'm working on cultivating that are seemingly in conflict with each other. I think George is struggling with these in this song, too, or at least, it started playing (in my head) right after my conversation with my friend.

On one hand, I am trying to live in the moment and fully enjoy the present without letting the past pull me back or the future pull me forward. That goal leads me to the enjoyment of the temptation George sings about here:

Well I guess it would be nice

If I could touch your body

I know not everybody

Has got a body like you

At the same time, I am working to cultivate faith in love. I really think that more than any other element, this is what I didn't have going in my first marriage. And I'm beginning to think that it's a prerequisite for a happily ever after type union.

But how, when it comes to my exploration of new love, can I manage to both remain in the moment and have faith in love at the same time? Doesn't the faith in love part necessitate a contemplation of the future? Nope, said my wise friend. "Faith in love requires believing that two people come together for a reason, to love each other. Maybe that leads to happily ever after and maybe it doesn't, but if it doesn't, it doesn't have to erode your faith in love."

I hear what she is saying, but it scares me a little bit. Ok, a lot. There's a huge part of me that is with George on this:

But I've got to think twice

Before I give my heart away

And wants to shut down when it encounters the uncertainty created by being in the moment rather than talking/thinking in a way that involves more certainty. (Not that there is such a thing as certainty, anyway!)

But then I go back to the other thing I'm working on, and affirm:

Yes I've gotta have faith...