It's a Heartache

Ahhhhhh summertime in Milwaukee!

This morning I hit the road earlyish to drive to PJ's Yoga Shala for led practice. It was soooooooooo good! I can barely even describe how good it was to be in the room with 28 other Ashtangis and PJ teaching us about prana and the true purpose of practice.

I left there feeling great, and headed downtown for the lakeshore. I went for a nice, long run, and then I parked myself on the Colectivo patio (pictured), had some lunch and got a little too much sun. Then I went to my friends' house, where I spent the night.

You may be wondering where the heartache comes in, so I'll tell ya: In the car on the way to practice I was listening to the radio and heard that raspy voice I've long loved, glanced at the radio, and saw that it was Bonnie Tyler singing this number:

It's a heartache
Nothing but a heartache
Hits you when it's too late
Hits you when you're down

It's a fool's game
Nothing but a fool's game
Standing in the cold rain
Feeling like a clown

It's a heartache
Nothing but a heartache
Love him 'til your arms break
Then he let's you down

Those last two lines are such a good metaphor for where we ended up this Spring: I was trying to do more than my share of the work for us as a couple. I was trying to hold us together by trying to implement my vision of how we could work, and it was lacking something vital: His wants, his needs, his agency, his ability to communicate, even around hard things. And when he let me down, I got so angry. I was so hurt. And I began to recognize that something needed to change, and not just in him.

It ain't right with love to share
When you find he doesn't care for you
It ain't wise to need someone
As much as I depended on you

And so I've been working to cut the cords of attachment between us. "You're so entangled!" my yoga teacher told me. And I knew she was right.

Oh, it's a heartache
Nothing but a heartache
Hits you when it's too late
Hits you when you're down

It hurts, this heartache. It hurts a lot. But it feels a whole lot better than pretending things are good when they so clearly were not. It was my daughter who initially alerted us that fact: "You two fight all the time" she said, and we had to take a hard look in the mirror.

We had our first couple's therapy appointment a couple of weeks ago, and it was great. We both really liked her, and felt heard and seen, and were honest about where we are. We'll see what happens...

Say It Isn't So

Heard this classic on the ampersand bands top 40 countdown (didn't know that was a thing!):

(Say it)
(Say it isn't so)
(Say it)
(Say it isn't so)

Say it isn't so painful
To tell me that you're dissatisfied
Last time I asked you
I really got a lame excuse
I know that you lied
Now wicked things can happen
You see 'em goin' down in war
But when you play in a quiet way
That bites it even more
(Say it)
Tell me what you want, yeah
I'll do it, baby
I promise right now
(Say it)
Who propped you up
When you were stopped low motivation
had you on the ground
I know your first reaction
You slide away
Hide away, goodbye
But if there's a doubt
Maybe I can give out
A thousand reasons why
You have to say it isn't so
(It isn't so)
I say it isn't so (it isn't so)
Oh, no
I say it isn't so (it isn't so)
Oh, say it isn't so (it isn't so)
Oh-oh, no
(Say it)
We like to be the strangers
At the party
Two rebels in a shell (say it)
You like to move
With the best of them
You know we move so well
Don't need someone to lean on
I know where there's an open door
But if I'm faced
With being replaced
I want you even more
So baby, say it isn't so (it isn't so)
Oh-oh, say it isn't so (it isn't so)
oh-oh, no
Say it isn't so (it isn't so)
Whoooa, say it isn't so (it isn't so)
Oh-oh-oh, yeah
(Say it)
(Say it isn't so)
(Say it)
(Say it isn't so)
(Say it)
(Say it isn't so)

Why you gonna go
Do you half ta say
You wanna go
Ooh-ooh baby, say it isn't
(Say it isn't)
Say, say, say it isn't
(Say it isn't) so (so, say it isn't)
Why do you have to say it isn't
(Say it isn't) so
(Say it isn't) so (say, say it isn't)
I know it's so hard for you (say it isn't)
So hard (say it isn't)
Don't say, baby (so, say it isn't)
There must be some other way
Don't have to (say it isn't)
Some other way (So say it isn't)
Aah, you don't have to say (say it isn't)

Which was basically my mantra while my man was away: Say it isn't so.

It so wasn't.

And I am soooooooooo grateful!

Summertime Blues

There is a cure for summertime blues!

I heard this song in the car yesterday on my way home from practicing yoga on the rooftop at Capital Fitness:

I'm gonna raise a fuss, I'm gonna raise a holler

About a workin' all summer just to try to earn a dollar

Every time I call my baby, and try to get a date

My boss says, "No dice son, you gotta work late"

Sometimes I wonder what I'm a gonna do

But there ain't no cure for the summertime blues

Well my mom and pop told me, "Son you gotta make some money,

If you want to use the car to go ridin' next Sunday"

Well I didn't go to work, told the boss I was sick

"Well you can't use the car 'cause you didn't work a late"

Sometimes I wonder what I'm a gonna do

But there ain't no cure for the summertime blues

I'm gonna take two weeks, gonna have a fine vacation

I'm gonna take my problem to the United Nations

Well I called my congressman and he said quote:

"I'd like to help you son but you're too young to vote"

Sometimes I wonder what I'm a gonna do

But there ain't no cure for the summertime blues

And I gotta say, I beg to differ. The photos don't fully capture it, but the views were amazing -- Lake Monona in one direction, Lake Mendota in the another, and the Capitol in another. The weather was absolutely perfect for practicing outside, too.

Far from having the summertime blues, I am loving this summer. I've always wanted to be able to be home with my kids in the summer, and this summer, I have mostly been able to be, and I'm grateful!

Weather Systems

The sky was super cool tonight! This is just one of the many phases of this gorgeous summer storm.

It also included lightning, thunder, pouring rain and rainbows during my son's soccer game, which they somehow failed to cancel. I kinda didn't mind, though, because the sky was so incredible.

The internet brought me this little gem of a song to match the evening sky:

Quiet
quiet down she said
speaking to the back of his head
on the edge of her bed
I can see your blood flow
your cells grow

hold still a while
don't spill the wine
I can see it all from here
I can see
I can see
weather systems of the world

and every time you turn the soil
another cloud begins to boil

some things you say
are not for sale
I would hold that we're
all free agents
of a substance or scale

hold still a while
don't spill the wine
I can see it all from here
I can see
I can see
weather systems of the world

In God's Country

I had a great week of practice this week, but because I was also responsible for getting my kids to camp four of the five days, it was a week of very early mornings. I kept finding that I would get really tired at 7pm, but by the time 10pm rolled around and my kids were finally in bed, I'd get a second wind and would be unable to fall asleep quickly. By Thursday night, when my kids were at their Dad's, I told myself I'd just go to sleep whenever I got tired, which happened to be 6:30pm. I was awake for an hour in the middle of the night, but all told by the time my alarm went off I'd gotten 11 hours of sleep!

As a result, I felt like a million bucks today. My practice felt easy and my Arboretum loop was the second fastest I've done -- not because I needed to be somewhere like the fasted one -- but because I felt like running fast.

When I heard this song on my run, a number of parts spoke to me, starting with the first line of this verse:

Sleep comes like a drug
In God's Country
Sad eyes, crooked crosses
In God's Country, yeah, yeah

Set me alight
We'll punch a hole right through the night
Everyday the dreamers die
See what's on the other side

And then there's the first two lines of this verse, which have always been my favorite:

She is liberty
And she comes to rescue me
Hope, faith, her vanity
The greatest gift is gold

This has been such a gorgeous summer in Madison -- the most beautiful I can remember. And running through the Arb -- well, it does feel like God's country:

Sleep comes like a drug
In God's Country
Sad eyes, crooked crosses
In God's Country, yeah

But I'm gonna have to part ways with Bono on the last verse, because I don't feel burned by the fire of love -- I just feel warmed by it:

Naked flame
She stands with a naked flame
I stand with the sons of Cain
Burned by the fire of love
Burned by the fire of love

Budapest

A few days ago I got a message from my first love and forever friend from across the pond. He said he heard this song and immediately thought of me and knew that I would love it. He wasn't wrong:

My house in Budapest
My, my hidden treasure chest,
Golden grand piano
My beautiful Castillo

You
Woh, you
Woh, I'd leave it all

My acres of a land
Th' I hav' achieved
It may be hard for you to,
Stop and believe

But for you
Woh, you
Woh, I'd Leave it all

Woh, for you
Woh, you
Woh, I'd leave it all

Give me one good reason
Why I should never make a change
Baby if you hold me
Then all of this will go away

My many artifacts
The list goes on
If you just say the words
I I'll up and run

To you
Woh, you
Woh, I'd leave it all

Woh, to you
Woh, you
Woh, I'd leave it all

Give me one good reason
Why I should never make a change
Baby if you hold me
Then all of this will go away

My friends and family
They, don't understand
They fear they'd lose so much
If, you take my hand

But, for you
Woh, you
Woh, I'd lose it all

Woh, for you
Woh, you
Woh, I'd lose it all.

Give me one good reason
Why I should never make a change
Baby if you hold me
Then all of this will go away

My house in Budapest
My, my hidden treasure chest,
Golden grand piano
My beautiful castillo

You
Woh, you
Woh, I'd leave it all

Woh, for you
Woh, you
Woh, I'd leave it all

We're past this point in our own relationship where we would think about leaving it all for one another, but it sure is nice to still have such a strong connection and to have that connection be largely communicated through music.

Speaking of communicating through music, my daughter and I biked over to Opera in the Park briefly this evening. The sun was just starting to set, and we climbed up the hill to sit on a cement wall overlooking all the people and listening to the music. It was a beautiful way to end a summer evening...