Thank U

Thank U for chronicling my journey to self-acceptance

This feels like as appropriate a song as any to mark the day that I decided to peace out this blog:

How 'bout getting off of these antibiotics
How 'bout stopping eating when I'm full up
How 'bout them transparent dangling carrots
How 'bout that ever elusive could have

How 'bout retiring this blog after 10 years? I think it's time.

For me it's never really been about having readers, more just a space in which to express myself, and to delight in my love of music and the messages I get through the lyrics that run through my head.

Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you, thank you silence

Yes, thank you silence. You were frightening and elusive and now you're just plain delicious.

How 'bout me not blaming you for everything
How 'bout me enjoying the moment for once
How 'bout how good it feels to finally forgive you
How 'bout grieving it all one at a time

Yep, I reckon I've grappled with all of those how 'bouts in these pages over the years: blame, presence, forgiveness, grief...

The moment I let go of it
Was the moment I got more than I could handle
The moment I jumped off of it
Was the moment I touched down

And I've wrestled with letting go here in this blog a time or two as well.

How 'bout no longer being masochistic
How 'bout remembering your divinity
How 'bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out
How 'bout not equating death with stopping

I've never really been masochistic and I don't equate death with stopping. I've been at a level of mastery on bawling my eyes out unabashedly for years now -- remembering my divinity has been a longer journey.

In fact, it's a journey I'm still traversing, and I can honestly say that in ten years of marking my days with music, I've remembered it a lot more clearly...

Thank you... 😍

That I Would Be Good

And in this new jacket, I feel good too

I had so much unlearning to do when I embarked on my healing journey, and on the way I've met some powerful teachers who have given me powerful lessons.

Among the most powerful was this message, that I was to repeat to myself when I got other less desirable messages:

I am the essence of pure goodness
My goodness does not depend on my actions or the actions of others

It took a while, but I came to believe this for myself, and to teach this to my kids and my man.

Turns out, Alanis has been working with a similar message:

That I would be good even if I did nothing
That I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
That I would be good if I got and stayed sick
That I would be good even if I gained ten pounds
That I would be fine even if I went bankrupt
That I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
That I would be great if I was no longer queen
That I would be grand if I was not all knowing
That I would be loved even when I numb myself
That I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
That I would be loved even when I was fuming
That I would be good even if I was clingy
That I would be good even if I lost sanity
That I would be good
Whether with or without you

Hand in My Pocket

This is year five for this blog, and thus I often have the experience where a song that so totally fits the moment or the day comes into my head, only to find that I've already used it. In this case, happily, I had not.

Let me tell you a little story about how Alanis ended up in my head today. This weekend was supposed to be a yoga weekend for me where a teacher whom I love was going to come in from New Jersey to teach a workshop all weekend. That didn't happen, which left me with a different weekend than the one I was expecting to have.

So I wasn't sure exactly what to do with my Saturday. I still had mountains of yard work to do, so I knew getting out there for at least an hour was gonna be important, especially with snow in the forecast for next week. I also had lots of housework, and the desire to spend some time reading, writing and resting.

Right before I headed out the door to do yard work, I talked to my son, who reminded me that he had an indoor soccer game at 6:30pm. While out raking, I hatched a plan to hit Quarry Ridge to ride in the last hour of daylight, then head to the gym and hit the hot tub before walking across the street to Breakaway, where my son plays indoor soccer. I hadn't initially planned on riding today, but the inspiration struck, and I decided to go with it.

Sunset at Quarry Ridge last night

When I pulled into the parking lot, I saw my Canadian friend's car. I felt a little embarrassed about the note and unsure how I was going to handle it if I ran into him, which I knew was likely because that place is so dang small. I asked the Universe, as I do when I remember, to let my lessons be peaceful, easy and comfortable.

And of course, it was on my first lap that, when I got to the top, he was pausing to take in the sunset, which, as you can see, was pretty dang magnificent last night. But I didn't capture this photo at that point. Oh no. Because as soon as I saw that he was up there, I took off as fast I could on the path heading back down.

That's when Alanis popped into my head with her oh-so-apt-for-that-moment lyric:

I'm brave but I'm chickenshit

Yep. I told myself that it was the right thing to do -- what if he's married, or has a girlfriend, or just isn't interested, or is someone whom, if I took a good look at him or got to know him, I wouldn't actually be interested in hanging out with either? Better to leave it alone -- let him call me if he feels like it.

Even though that was a little uncomfortable, I do think the Universe heard my request, because at another point, I was climbing up a challenging section, and there was some other dude, the kind that don't scare me because there was no potential attraction, watching me and when I made it he said: "Nicely done!" which I thought was adorable and it allowed me to switch back to feeling brave after feeling decidedly chickenshit.

And then I took my still cold in some spots but sweaty in others bod to the gym and climbed into the hot tub, only to find myself sharing it with my son's former soccer coach. We had a nice chat, covering topics that ranged from soccer and kids to divorce and heartbreak, and when I got done showering, he was sitting in the lobby, waiting to ask if I was interested in getting some dinner.

So after my son's soccer game, we did just that. It felt strange to be out on what felt like at least sort of a date, but also kind of nice, in the way exploring new territory that isn't really gorgeous or really dangerous or really anything can feel kind of nice. And I guess it was a date, because he paid and then said he'd had a good time and asked if he could call me to go out again. Sure, I said. Why not? I didn't really feel anything in particular about him or for him, but it was a pretty pleasant evening.

Then this morning, a new guy joined my group for our regular Sunday yoga practice, and a few of us ended up getting coffee with him afterward. And I can't really explain it, but what I felt interacting with him was exactly what I didn't feel last night: charged up, excited, smiling, enjoying the easy banter. He's married, with a wife living faraway in another state, so it's not like I see him as a prospect. I hope that's not the reason I felt the freedom to feel those things -- the curse of the unavailable man. I would hope that's been lifted by now but it's a strong one.

As if all that wasn't enough excitement for one weekend, I also had a nice chat with the New Englander today. He's such a good man. I really love him. But I also now really get what he's been trying to tell me: He needs space to find himself. He knows he loves me but he doesn't know he wants a life with me. He needs the end game undefined, which wasn't working so well with my desire to lock it down and get on with the rest of our lives. This is it though, you know? This day is the rest of my life. And for me, living it when the end game isn't locked down means exploring what else is out there, even if a part of me feels like a traitor or a hypocrite or a bad girl (that's my inner child talking) for wanting to do that.

Lucky for us, Alanis knows all about feeling the range from one end of the spectrum to the other, often in the same moment, and she's here to sing about it for us:

I'm broke but I'm happy
I'm poor but I'm kind
I'm short but I'm healthy, yeah
I'm high but I'm grounded
I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed
I'm lost but I'm hopeful baby
What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be fine fine fine
'cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a high five
I feel drunk but I'm sober
I'm young and I'm underpaid
I'm tired but I'm working, yeah
I care but I'm restless
I'm here but I'm really gone
I'm wrong and I'm sorry baby

What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be quite alright
'cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is flicking a cigarette
And what it all comes down to
Is that I haven't got it all figured out just yet
'cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving the peace sign
I'm free but I'm focused
I'm green but I'm wise
I'm hard but I'm friendly baby
I'm sad but I'm laughing
I'm brave but I'm chickenshit
I'm sick but I'm pretty baby

And what it all boils down to
Is that no one's really got it figured out just yet
'cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is playing the piano
And what it all comes down to my friends
Is that everything's just fine fine fine
'cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is hailing a taxi cab

Having two hands appears to be a theme here, over these last two posts. Yep, I've got two hands. One's in the New Englander's pants er pocket, and the other one's open for exploring what else is out there...

Head Over Feet

Yesterday I had coffee with a lovely woman I've only recently started to get to know. We were talking, as women are wont to do, about the people we love, and I was really struck by the story of how she met and married her husband. She said that she never really thought she'd get married because she never had a relationship that made her understand why people would want to promise to spend the rest of their lives with someone. Then she met her now husband, and proposed to him six weeks into knowing him because she finally had that feeling, and they've now been married for 16 years!

I too missed out on having that feeling until I met my New Englander, whom I proposed to when we were a good two years into our relationship. There's no fairy tale ending to our story just yet, but it did give me cause to reflect on what that kind of love is about -- what it's made of -- and what it makes one capable of doing and being.

And in response, the inner ipod shuffled onto this number. Not one of my favorite songs, but I must say Alanis is super cute in the video, and the lyrics pretty spot on:

I had no choice but to hear you
You stated your case time and again
I thought about it

You treat me like I'm a princess
I'm not used to liking that
You ask how my day was

You've already won me over in spite of me
And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault

Your love is thick and it swallowed me whole
You're so much braver than I gave you credit for
That's not lip service

You've already won me over in spite of me
And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault

You are the bearer of unconditional things
You held your breath and the door for me
Thanks for your patience

You're the best listener that I've ever met
You're my best friend
Best friend with benefits
What took me so long

I've never felt this healthy before
I've never wanted something rational
I am aware now
I am aware now

Me too, Alanis. And with this awareness, there's no going back. Thank goodness -- I would never want to...

You Oughta Know

There's a little part of me -- not the prettiest part, not the most evolved part, but part of me nonetheless -- that put out a request for this tune tonight. And as far from what Alanis is singing about as my situation is in a lot of important ways, it's still really satisfying hearing/watching her sing it:

I want you to know, that I'm happy for you

I wish nothing but the best for you both

An older version of me

Is she perverted like me

Would she go down on you in a theatre

Does she speak eloquently

And would she have your baby

I'm sure she'd make a really excellent mother

'cause the love that you gave that we made wasn't able

To make it enough for you to be open wide, no

And every time you speak her name

Does she know how you told me you'd hold me

Until you died, till you died

But you're still alive

And I'm here to remind you

Of the mess you left when you went away

It's not fair to deny me

Of the cross I bear that you gave to me

You, you, you oughta know

After yoga tonight, I was talking to a friend about these feelings. "I totally get it,"she said, as I explained that knowing that my ex was with someone else just brought up all these feelings about what he wasn't for me (and to be fair, what we weren't to each other). I reckon that this is just another part of the grieving process -- a part that I didn't have access to until we landed in this new stage.

It isn't comfortable, but I know that if I can just muster up the strength to feel it (and have the space -- I've been with my kids all weekend) -- I'll be able to release it.