Hero

I had a really rough day at work, and throughout my day there seemed to be a number of people who didn't have the time or the consideration to understand my point of view. I did my best to speak my truth, and while that's something I can feel proud of myself for, there was no getting away from the discomfort.

After work, I tried to deal with it as productively as I could. I stopped myself from going too far down the road of lamenting that I wasn't heading home to a supportive partner. Nope, I told myself, that's not part of today's experience. I cried. I talked to a friend. I did the things I needed to do to take care of my children. And I thought about how to talk to them about how I was feeling.

I decided to go with explaining how I felt about what had happened. They empathized. My daughter said that she thought one thing that would be hard about having kids is even when you have a bad day, you still have to take care of them. She really gets it, and I appreciated her nailing how I was feeling. I told them if they didn't mind, after dinner, I was going to try to just kind of take the night off.

I ended up watching a movie I read about in the New Yorker a while back: Boyhood. It's incredible. It's shot over a period of like 10 years as the actors grew up. It's not easy to watch at times -- there are some abusive alcoholic scenes that are very tense. But overall, it's a pretty beautiful story about how life doesn't necessarily work out the way you want it to or think it will. And the best you can do is to be true to yourself, love your people as well as you can, and enjoy the ride.

This is one of the main songs from the movie:

Let me go
I don't wanna be your hero
I don't wanna be your big man
I just wanna fight with everyone else

Your masquerade
I don't wanna be a part of your parade
Everyone deserves a chance to
Walk with everyone else

While holding down
A job to keep my girl around
And maybe buy me some new strings
And her a night out on the weekend

And we can whisper things
Secrets from our American dreams
Baby needs some protection
But I'm a kid like everyone else

So let me go
I don't wanna be your hero
I don't wanna be your big man
I just wanna fight like everyone else

And it feels like a pretty good song to mark this tough day, a day that, as many do, is pushing me to figure out how to be true to myself so that I can both enjoy my own life as much as possible and set the best possible example for my children...

Have a Little Faith in Me

This morning after my yoga practice, I got in my car and this song was playing:

When the road gets dark
And you can no longer see
Just let my love throw a spark
And have a little faith in me

And when the tears you cry
Are all you can believe
Just give these loving arms a try
And have a little faith in me
And

Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me

When your secret heart
Cannot speak so easily
Come here darlin'
From a whisper start
To have a little faith in me

And when your back's against the wall
Just turn around and you will see
I will catch, i will catch your fall baby
Just have a little faith in me

Well, I've been loving you for such a long time girl
Expecting nothing in return
Just for you to have a little faith in me
You see time, time is our friend
'Cause for us there is no end
And all you gotta do is have a little faith in me
I said I will hold you up, i will hold you up
Your love gives me strength enough
So have a little faith in me

Instead of feeling sad that having faith in my last partner didn't turn out so well, I considered it an invitation to have a little more faith in myself. Instead of investing time and energy in the past, I decided to take steps today toward my future. I sent another email out in hopes that as I become more able to articulate my vision, I will find the people in a position to help me realize it.

And it felt pretty darn good...

Lady

When I was driving in my car today, I was scanning the stations for a good sing-a-long song (singing is also helpful in finding one's voice), and I stumbled on this one:

Look around you, look up here
Take time to make time
Make time to be there
Look around, be a part
Feel for the winter
But don't have a cold heart

(Not an easy one for those of us living in Wisco and dealing with the coldest winter in 30 plus years!)

And I love you best
You're not like the rest
You're there when I need you
You're there when I need
I'm gonna need you

A long time ago
I had a lady to love
She made me think of things
I never thought of
Now she's gone and I'm on my own
A love song has come into my mind
A love song
It was there all the time

So lady
Let me take a look at you now
You're there on the dance floor
Making me want you somehow
Oh lady
I think it's only fair
I should say to you
Don't be thinkin' that I don't want you
'Cause maybe I do

Those last couple lines are my favorite in the song, and when I belted them out today, I chose to both hear them and sing them as an affirmation that though being in the world has not felt comfortable lately, there is a place for me here somewhere, a place where I'll be not only comfortable but thriving:

Don't be thinkin' that I don't want you
Lady I do

Thanks Universe!